Breakfast at Robin's

MOVED!!

2011-01-05T18:18:00.002-08:00

because I'm streamlining! follow me on my new wordpress!

in which I resolve.

2011-01-03T08:53:00.000-08:00

I frequently find myself making the same New Years Resolutions - lose weight, drink more water, etc....

But this year, I've done a lot of thinking about things that I really want to do with my life that require a change. A big part of that is giving myself a MONEY MAKEOVER. (Yep. I said it.) I'm not excruciatingly good at managing my money. I never have been. A card to me is like a magic piece of plastic that gets me stuff I want. (The most unhealthy thought I've ever had.) So here are a couple of steps that I'm taking for my money problems.

1. I'm going to start using Microsoft Money. Yeah, I'm actually going to keep track of my spending. I'm pretty sure it'll actually keep me in check with how much money I've spent, instead of a bunch of vagueish mental math that I'm never quite correct on.
2. I'm going to open a savings account. I'm going to make frequent deposits. I'm not going to touch it. I'm going to call it "The Don't End Up Living At Your Parents' For the Next Ten Years" fund.

Other resolutions that I have made:
1. To read the newspaper at least three times a week. Or at least, the front page section. I think that being at least a little informed as to what's going on in the world can be very important. My American Government class taught me that I knew so very little about what has been going on in American politics since I entered college, and I'm hoping that reading the paper will be my first step in becoming an informed citizen. (Yep. I said it. NOW how stodgy do I sound?)
2. To read a book at the very least, once a month. A BOOK, not a magazine, not a play. Now, this is a hard one for me, because I have a hard time justifying reading anything other than plays as a "waste of time" in comparison to reading something that benefits my career... however - I love reading. and I think it's healthy to spend a certain amount of time doing something that's just for me.
3. Go back to meditating. Enough said. I used to rave about how wonderful I felt and how focused and powerful I felt when I was meditating daily, so I'm really rather disappointed in myself for stopping.
4. Get over my completely irrational fears. The first one I'm going to tackle is the Muppet Christmas Carol. Ferris wheels whenever I can find one.

Happy New Year. Hope your resolutions go well!

in which I review.

2010-12-31T14:26:00.000-08:00

Oh! 2010! How you've escaped me!//Wow. What a year. 2010 has been by far, a year of self-discovery. Here is a little peek back into the past, since I really was atrocious at keeping up with my blog.

What I did//I started working out regularly. I was in a musical for the first time since high school. I danced. A lot. Crazy for You came and went. I directed my first ever full show complete with auditions and designers. I was a dirty mistress. I kissed the one man who has meant the most to me in my whole life. I lost him, too. I became a college senior. I had a million and one asthma attacks. I went swimming in the Chattahoochee River. I went to my first wedding as an adult person. I finished my Meisner training. I had a scandalous single girl summer. my apartment became "The Leaky Cauldron". I went on tour, and I had an amazing time. I started rehearsing a really exciting new project. I read a lot of Shakespeare. I bowled. I turned twenty two, which seems a lot older than twenty one. I bought my own airline ticket and flew to see a man alone, which seems rather adultlike, if you ask me. I met my new best friend, Sir Percival Corndog. I had a smaller, yet happier Christmas than usual. I spent a longer time home than I have in awhile, and I was happy.

Where I went//North Carolina, a lot. Houston, Texas, for my grandfather's funeral. All over the South West Georgia/East Alabama area. In a tour van. With three handsome, funny guys. Be jealous. We entertained children. Columbus, Ohio. Raleigh, to see the Nutcracker. Atlanta, frequently. Augusta, but only at the beginning of the year.

New Years Resolution: Travel more!

Music I Really Dug//Matt & Kim, Emiliana Torrini, The Love Themes from Love Actually, Sunday in the Park with George, "California Girls", that "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes..." song, I don't know what it's called, Ceelo Green's "Fuck You" changed my life. I had an intimate affair with the "Aim and Ignite" album by Fun. Guster and the Beatles and Rilo Kiley. It never changes.

Movies that Rocked my World//Inception. Black Swan. I loved the new Narnia movie, but that's my Narnia obsessed self. HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS. The Lovely Bones was trip-city. Sex and the City 2 was ridiculous, but wonderful. I finally watched Carrie and Psycho at Halloween, and I loved them both.

Books and Plays that Made Me Happy//Love is a Mixtape. The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The million times I have re-read every Harry Potter book (always.). Ironically enough, Asleep on the Wind. Directing it and feeling like I lived in a tree filled with stars (some of us are just that lucky.). The Caucasian Chalk Circle. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I just finished The Magicians by Lev Grossman, so that could be on this list too.

Things I'm Looking Forward To in 2011//Watching Percival Grow. Finishing school, finally. My senior project, "In Dreams/Nightmares" premiering, and feeling that complete feeling of creating something... I hope. The next installment of the Harry Potter movie! Moving away from the armpit of the world, Columbus, GA. The excitement of moving... in general. The job hunt, which I'm sure will be long and terrible. The many adventures to come. =)

Life is good, it just depends on how you look at it.

send me on my way.

2010-12-16T07:35:00.000-08:00

It's a really strange thought - in about six months, I am going to be a college graduate. I am going to have a degree. It's been an amazing three and a half years thus far, and I'm sure my final semester is going to be awesome too... but it's hard for me to not be a little excited about not being in school anymore.

There was a point where I really wanted to go to grad school right after my undergrad - but I honestly don't think I do anymore. This is going to sound awful, as academic as I am, and as much as I get sick pleasure out of writing papers and doing school work, but I am incredibly burnt out on school. I am constantly feeling exhausted of being POOR (because I literally have no time to work between papers, shows, etc), and feeling like I'm jumping through hoops. While I am sure that graduate studies are in my future (like I said before, the lure of making an A is too appealing to me..), I'm also sure that I need to go take some time, move to a city center, audition, and try to get some acting work (while probably working a survival job...).

I'm home for the holidays right now, and watching my new puppy, Percy (officially, Percival Corndog Lyles, but sometimes called Perseus) and my older family dog, Crystal interact is SO funny. Percy seems to think he is bigger than her, and Crystal has taken on the role of disciplinarian. For example, he was barking last night when we put him to bed. Crystal took it upon herself to intimidate him - WIN. Love it.

So much holiday knitting to do today...

giving thanks.

2010-11-25T10:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. I had to have my friend and kitty, Hepcat, put to sleep. He was very sick very quickly, and there was no guarantee that he would ever get well - if I had kept him alive he would pretty much spend the rest of his life hospitalized and on machines, and I'm sure that would not be the life he would want, and definitely would not be the way that he would want to spend the holidays. However, I feel like I made the right decision. Rough as it was, at least he is no longer in any pain. =(

It puts a damper on my holiday, I will admit. I'm happy to be home with my family (including Psycho Kitty and my darling corgi, Crystal) though, because it makes me feel a little better and a lot less alone.

I love Thanksgiving. This past year, especially, I have been thinking a lot about gratitude and using it to become a better person. I love that this holiday (though rooted in the pillage of the natives..) celebrates the idea of gratitude, and for that reason, I make a list of things I am grateful for.

Today, I am grateful for....

My family, my dog, our new home. My roommates, and our home. That I can go to school and study what I truly love. My friends who have stuck by me thus far. Apple pie. Turkey. Breakfast with my parents. Being able to legitimately celebrate Christmas. Baking. The free mascara I got from my ULTA rewards card. Did I mention my family? Or my dog? CRYSTAL! The white daisies my mom bought to cheer me up. Oh, my family!!

=) give thanks. and love.

I am the luckiest.

2010-11-08T19:09:00.000-08:00

Life is good. In all, in general, and always, life is good.

Money is hard, school is hard, life is good.

I spent last night trying to rig bags of blood to explode inside a man's dress shirt and attempting to make fake daggers, tonight I'm reading The Caucasian Chalk Circle, tomorrow I'm doing a show for children in the morning and then camping out and analyzing a play for my last directing scene here at Columbus State (whoa.), this past weekend, I got to induct new members into Alpha Psi Omega! In a few weeks, I'll get to go home and see my family. And soon, I'll be working on a show that is a creation basically out of my own mind... how amazing is that?

Some days, I love what I do so much I could just cry with gratitude that I'm able to do it.

Yeah, life is pretty fucking awesome.

Other things? Janine and I seriously cleaned the apartment earlier, so now I feel like real people live in it again. I miss Brian being in my life for real... I'm getting to be a much better knitter than I used to be. I'm actually ninety years old, I swear to goodness. My birthday is in less than a month! (I'm actually only turning 22... wait. What? I'm turning fucking twenty two?! How'd I get so fucking old?!) I plan on celebrating it with a midnight picnic and sparkly lights and delicious food =) Or with a party. Either way, there has to be lots of glitter and big curly hair. =) I just wanna celebrate while I can... before I really do get old.

Recently, I just feel like a lot of things have been falling into place pretty easily. Things are stressful, yes, but I feel like each day isn't as much as a challenge as they have been in the past. I think it's honestly because I finally have really found where I belong in the world, and not just "theatre" but "directing student", and hopefully one day, "director". God, that would be so cool.

Yeah, life is pretty effing good. =)

on feeling full.

2010-08-21T14:14:00.000-07:00

It's such a strange feeling - being so busy after being so bored for so long. This past week has been SO FULL of rehearsal, stressful new classes (all of which seem to require a million pages of reading a week!), and friends that I've missed so much.
hfjwfwj42gggggg <- this is Melissa's contribution to my blog. She's a cool girl, that Melissa.
I'm very excited because Melissa, India, and I are going to Belloo's tonight for Little Black Dress night! Two free drinks, and fun times with two of my favorite female friends =) How happy! PLUS< I get to look all cute and stuff!
Today is such a nice day in comparison to the rest of this week, because I have felt so tired all week! Today I got to sleep in, fart around at the mall, and now we're watching The Neverending Story 2 and I may even take a NAP!
I'm happy also because I had gained a lot of weight over summer, this past week I've been going to the gym a lot and I have actually lost 3 pounds! HOORAY!
I hope all is well with you =)

Impending.

2010-08-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

School starts on Monday. It's the very last time that this will ever happen to me (pending that I attend grad school, but I highly doubt it.). I'm kind of amazed. It's such a surreal feeling, knowing that in less than a year I will be a "real" adult. Strange, isn't it?

I'm really excited about the school year starting though. I'm excited to start working on Aesop's Fables too! Two of my lovely roommates are working on Spelling Bee right now and I'm so jealous because I want to be starting rehearsals too! Haha, it's funny how you crave for time off but once you have it, you're desperate for it to end.

At either rate, I really think doing tour will be a very good experience for me. It will make me more adaptable, I think. And force me to go to bed earlier. Haha, no for real. I'm stoked.

What I am not stoked about is my American Government class... le sigh.

A lot of my friends will be back in town tomorrow =) For this, I feel a lot of joy.

eclectically speaking.

2010-08-04T17:24:00.000-07:00

There is a cat that lives at my parents' condo. It's technically my younger sister's cat, but she hasn't been home in two years, so I'll count it as my parental units' cat. It's name is Bright Eyes, but I've always called it "Worm" (Did you read The Witches of Worm as a child? I did! And let me tell you, I was scarred for life.) or even more commonly, "Psycho Kitty". What is wrong with this cat? I have no idea. It literally hates me. Even though I am quite loving when it comes to cats! I have a cat, if you don't know (which, if you're my friend, you should know, but if you didn't...) named Hepcat. This cat, however, decides to stare at me from down the hallway until I decide to stare back, and then? It runs away. No real explanation at all.

I am baffled by this behavior.

I have a Blackberry Curve, but I still am more than a little dependent on a day planner to write down all my appointments. I recently purchased a pink one and I'm moderately obsessed with it.

I wish people appreciated the value of the joy that glitter can bring, instead of feeling responsible all the time.

My family drinks a lot of boxed wine. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty obsessed with it myself. How delightful to be able to have just one more glass after dinner without worrying about the bottle, etc.

It hurts my feelings when people decide that my friendship is not worthwhile. It's happened twice, perhaps three times (though I'm sure that this person is going through a phase right now. he and I have phases.) just this summer. I'm a devoted friend. Maybe I'm not always immediately there, or available for hanging out, but I love my friends fiercely. There was a time that I would have called one of these people I feel that I've lost my best friend, but I'm starting to see that she hasn't considered me to be her best friend in a very long time. It's such a hard thing, letting go of friends. It's not like when you lose a lover - it's so easy to be mad about that, or to understand why they wanted out. But friends? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just too loyal about these things. Maybe I'm just deluded. I realize that this part of my rant makes about zero sense but I'm kind of just unleashing here. Is there some big cosmic chart that keeps track of points between people that I am unaware of? Is it bad that I put my studies, and therefore my craft before everything else? Is it possible that I'm unable to connect? I'm so frustrated sometimes because it feels like I talk and talk and talk but I never really truly say anything, and the number of people who really understand me are becoming so very few.

On the flipside of that, I have made some wonderful NEW friends (and reinforced some old ones) in the past several weeks. Spending time with them has really brought me such joy. I only wish that I would have hours every day to spend with them once school begins. The joy of summer can never last forever, but I will always remember these people, who helped make one of my shittiest summers end so wonderfully.

I really love coffee. It's delightful, delicious, and delovely. I don't know if I could actually wake up if not for it. And on the plus side, I saw on television the other day that caffeine doesn't actually de-hydrate you. I've been really worried about dehydration lately, because I think it's one of my biggest health risks, considering that I'd much rather any other beverage than water a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong, I love water,but I also love, juice, coke, wine, beer, mix drinks, etc.... Just not milk. But anyway, the point is that I'm becoming one of those adult type people who brews a pot of coffee in the mornings and really really really relishes in drinking it.

There aren't words to express how excited I am about starting back school, on that note. While I know that life will become really very stressful ALL OVER AGAIN... it's my last school year. Pretty much ever. And I'm excited to start working on theatre related things again, and really feeling like I'm a part of something bigger than myself. Not just the department - but the entire art of theatre.

It's so strange to think how much it's changed me. I guess that's a weird thought, but if something's ever changed you as much as theatre has changed me... then you'd understand. It moves me, it expresses me, it pushes me to do things, it challenges me, it makes me think... it's really everything. I know that sounds stupid and idealistic, but a part of me will always be in love with it. In absolute love.

I'm really enjoying The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I want my own copy. In fact, I may buy one tomorrow, just so I can takes notes in it.

I really want some dark chocolate to go with this red wine.

and eclectically speaking, I'm doing quite well.

in retrospect, life is good.

2010-07-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

For the past few days, things have been going really well. I've been having packed days full of fun times with really good people. I've been reading good books, playing outside, going on double dates, and just generally having a great time. It really is starting to feel like summer.

I think this is because of the people I've been surrounding myself with. I'm not dogging on my friends who do this, because I clearly love them a lot, but I had been spending a lot of time drinking and smoking earlier in the summer and just being generally irresponsible just in order to forget my problems (ie. missing caleb, missing brian, falling apart in general). But lately I've been just having a lot of really good, clean fun. And who knew? I feel a lot better.

Generally, I'm smiling. I hope you are too, friends!
School is back soon.

The Artistic Drive Conundrum.

2010-07-05T08:32:00.000-07:00

If I have been confused about everything in my life, theatre has never come into question. I feel like it is the most beautiful, life changing art form and I have never been happier (albeit, stressed out) than when I have dedicated my entire life to it. I'm driven. I want to create, I want to be successful in my college department, I want to learn as much as humanly can.

So why does it feel like no one but other theatre people can understand that? I figure if you have some sort of passion in your life, you can get it. But it just seems to me like everyone thinks that I'm just nuts half the time, completely wasting my life away on a major that will probably not make me any money. Maybe I SHOULD have majored in business or pre-med. Maybe I should have just gone the way of most of my high school friends and tried to pick something where I can make money. I guess then I'd be more relatable and available to "hang out".

But I'm happy now. I feel like I made the right choice to do something that is making me feel a sense of real fulfillment for once in my sorry consumerist American life. And I'm GLAD I go to a competitive school where I have to slave away to accomplish things. It makes me feel like I'm prepared to work even HARDER when I get out to the real world.

I would rather spend my life waiting tables and just making ends meet and doing something that I truly feel passionate about than spend 9 to 5 in a cubicle, running coffee errands or filling out paperwork for the rest of my life.

I just wish my other friends could understand that.

in case you were interested.

2010-07-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

Healthy Amounts of Absurdity.
for more of my daily, pointless thoughts.

restless.

2010-07-01T12:56:00.001-07:00

Nick: I think I've got restless heart syndrome. That's why I'm a lover.
Me: I've got restless everything syndrome. That's why I'm not.

Now, while I won't talk about Nick's assessment of himself (haha), I think this conversation accurately sums up a lot about me. It was just a thought I had during that conversation, and I think it's very true. I tend to get restless. It's a constant feeling I have, not something that really goes away unless I find something very "true". And even then, I can convince myself that there is something better out there. Well, maybe better isn't the right word... maybe "different" and "new" are better words. I tend to want to run the second anything gets really serious, and I always make these weird arbitrary decisions and screw things up. I always convince myself that I want something then I all of a sudden just don't. It's the way of the world, I guess. I'm a restless soul.

I think it'll be my new adjective to describe myself - restless.

only the good die young.

2010-06-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

lately, my taste in music has become so eclectic. I find myself oddly relating to the song "only the good die young" by billy joel.

I have always loved the song, but it's the first time I actually found some way to relate to it, haha. Weird.

Things have been okay. Strange, but okay. I wouldn't classify this summer as one of the best of my life, but then maybe it's hard to live up to studying abroad with a guy who I would later develop feelings for. I'm just working a lot, hanging out with my friends, and pretty much actually enjoying being single. Don't get me wrong, I miss Caleb more than life sometimes. It will just sneak up on me like when I'm trying to fall asleep and my whole chest will feel like it's about to collapse in because I'll feel myself reverting... but I'm not sure if that's where I am meant to be right now. Who knows? I have always believed that things work out the way they are supposed to. Sometimes, I have to remind myself of that, but it's really the only way I think I won't spend my whole life completely hating myself for making what I like to refer to as "random arbitrary decisions". In my mind, mistakes are rare.

But you know... life just keeps going. Who knows?

on my current thoughts.

2010-06-19T16:31:00.001-07:00

There is this funny thing about being single. It's like this: You have to meet people. You have to flirt, you have to try to look nice. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to make myself seem more appealing than I actually am. I'm tired of all the shaving the legs and the primping in the mirror and the witty back and forth of flirtation. I'm just... I feel tired.

I don't know. I guess that doesn't make much sense. I'm just sort of.. tired. It's like when you are thinking about buying a brand new pair of tap shoes. But then there's the thought - oh, but my old ones are already broken in. But these new ones will make better sounds and not fall apart on you! But the old ones are are just what I'm used to... blah blah blah.

I short, I think I'm going to go into hiding for the next few weeks, because I don't feel like making the effort to impress anyone.

But the summer is going well! I'm watching LOST for the first time, and I'm so addicted to it. I like my new living arrangements SO MUCH and I love most of my friends. I'm starting to realize the people who are really my friends and not just friends when it's convenient for them. I'm starting to really get excited for my life after college. I'm going to be extra prepared for GTC this year, and I can't wait to move out of Columbus and go elsewhere! Ah!

In short, life is good. I'm just too lazy to persue a relationship. Besides, let's be real. I really just want something old back. I guess we'll see. Life has a funny way of working itself out the way it's supposed to.

on keeping busy.

2010-06-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

I find it ironic that during the semester, all I can think is, "Oh GOD I wish it were summer. All I want is to sleep and to play at the pool and to fart around and do nothing!" but now that summer is here and these options are available to me, nay! they are a part of my daily life - I feel like such. a. bum.

Luckily, I start working at Activ8 next week! I'm excited because it's a dance class that I'm teaching. Hooray! I love that.

Also, I'm planning on bleaching my counters and possibly floor of my kitchen today... And my parents brought me paint and canvas from home! HOW PERFECT for a project for the next two days =) I'm tres excited!

I miss a certain someone a lot. But I know in my heart that things aren't totally horrible. It's just rough right now. Ah, for it to be later this month!

on normalcy.

2010-06-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

I once said, "normalcy eludes me."

I'm pretty sure that's true. It's funny because I feel like I have all the potential to be a happy, normal person. But alas, I feel like such an objective observer to my life sometimes that I just make these bizarre choices that don't really make much sense.

It's like, "oh, well this should be interesting."

That's the fascinating thing about the emotional disconnect I've been feeling lately.

In other words... MY LIFE. IS. BIZARRE.
Explanation to come, I'm sure.

cleanliness.

2010-05-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

There is something very therapeutic about cleaning things. I used to find it incredibly frustrating, unproductive, and annoying. But as I've grown older, I have found some wonderful comfort in the idea of taking something that was dirty, old, and unorganized and making it clean, smooth, smell nice, and easy to use.

I'm kind of on a cleaning binge. I wish I was at home so I could reorganize my apartment.

I think the reason I like it so much is because it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something, fixing something. In life, there are so many things that we cannot fix: we cannot fix our relationships, our families, our monetary situations, anything really.

But we can totally take a dirty room, makeup box, purse, car, etc.. and make it smell like air freshener.
There's something bizarrely perfect in that thought to me.
(RANDOM THOUGHTS. 1)

aesthetically speaking.

2010-05-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Summertime! Being away from Columbus has given me a lot of time to reflect on my life. It's given me time to (attempt) to relax, and to just sort of reboot myself. I feel so refreshed and so much happier. Spending time with my family, going to the beautiful and quaint parts of Eastern North Carolina, eating good food... it's all very lovely.

so this is a blog about a few of my current aesthetics... things I like!

I really want a ROMPER. They just look so comfy... and I love the victorian funky vibe of this outfit!

aesthetically speaking. by breakfastatrobins featuring Steve Madden shoes

My Summertime Playlist! It includes artists such as:

Guster
Ke$ha
Rilo Kiley
Lady GaGa
Cobra Starship
Hall & Oates
The cast of GLEE
Lilly Allen
etc...

I love...

Natural locally brewed beers. Family times. The Fresh Market. Sushi. Sushi. Sushi. Watching Weeds on Netflix. The beach. Riding with the top down in the Mustang. My netbook - small, compact, and so powerful and cute! wearing sundresses. big sunglasses. my new fedora. text messaging. reading plays and loving them (THE CLEAN HOUSE). looking forward to new haircuts. pellegrino. collecting seashells. devouring books. sleeping late. my dog, Crystal. having skype so I can talk to Melissa. knowing that life is going to work out the way it is supposed to.

As a half-year resolution, I resolve to be funny, fun-loving, and happy again.
Life is good.

twilight zone girl.

2010-05-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

With the summer, comes a few things: the loss of Caleb (sigh. He's in Atlanta but it just seems silly to have something going on when we're separated), the ability to sleep in, the idea of laying poolside, the prospect of a summer job, the visiting of the parentals, and apparently... insanity.

As Janine has dubbed it, the Single Girl Summer has begun. So many bizarre things have happened in just the past week. So much to the point of me feeling like I have stepped into an episode of the Twilight Zone. No lie.

On the plus side though, I have new roommates! I love it! =) I can't wait for Melissa to get back... and I can't wait to see just WHAT this summer holds for me! It's gotta be interesting if it started out this way...

We shall see! Bring on the sandals and the sunblock! Summer is HERE!

letting go.

2010-05-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

Caleb is moving from Columbus to Atlanta. We aren't specifically a couple, but I care a great deal about him and I believe we would be classified as more than friends. I'm sad. I just left him for the last "we both live in Columbus and it would make logical sense for us to even attempt at this" hang out session. We had sushi, went to the bookstore, and went on an adventure to Lakebottom Park. It was a lovely evening, but in the end we sort of decided to let it stay open ended. Clearly we can still visit each other (more me visiting him since he doesn't have a car...) Nothing really CHANGED persay. I just am realizing that God plays funny jokes on people. He makes things happen at inconvenient times.

However, I am just grateful for the time I had. I am missing him and all my other graduated friends already. Why must I befriend people a year older than me?!

Summer begins. I'm headed to Texas for my grandfather's funeral on Thursday, and then to North Carolina. Then back to Columbus to work. Then who knows?

on being inbetween.

2010-05-10T07:24:00.000-07:00

Life is weird. I really think God says, "Hey. I've made you miserable for two years, let me just throw you a couple of curve balls to check your balance now that you're generally happy!" But if it's a test, I feel like I may be passing. Maybe not making straight A's, but I'm generally trying to make the right decisions lately, even saying the phrase "I'm trying this thing where I am a good person." HAH.

At either rate, my romantic life is a giant clusterfuck. The one person I really care for is leaving town, for one. The other information I actually think is too scandalous to post in a public forum. At either rate, I find it infinitely frustrating.

My grandfather passed away yesterday. It's weird, because the last period of mourning I went through was for a friend who all of the people in Columbus adored, so I was most definitely not alone in my grief. But right now I feel so terribly and utterly alone in this situation. I'm not leaving Columbus until Thursday, but I really wish I was at this point just so I could have the time to myself to really deal with things. It's not as though I was that close to him, don't get me wrong, but family is family. And I will miss him.

On a much happier note, it's officially the summertime. Which means summer job, making money, spending time by the poolside, visiting home, etc. I am happy about all that.

I'm just in a weird state of inbetween.

random thoughts for this day.

2010-04-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

"Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything." (Charles Kuralt)

Happy Earth Day =)

Sometimes, I miss being a child. Things were less stressful then. I wasn't so concerned about my appearance. I wasn't so stressed out all the time. I just liked to play outside. Maybe someday I'll get that feeling back. But I'm starting to think the world that we as people create out of ambition and competition totally kills that spirit. And it makes me sad.

Lately, I've been very concerned with my health. A large part of it is weight loss, etc. but in general, I have an extreme desire to preserve my body as long as possible. I think it's a conclusion that you have to come to yourself and you can't be told to be healthy by as many of your health crazed friends... you have to decide to do it for yourself. I've been running most of the mornings this week, on top of dancing, eating as healthy as I can, and I feel eight thousand times better. I sleep better at night, I wake up earlier in the mornings, etc. My hope is that over the summer I can develop good habits that will last me through my lifetime.

Hm. Life continues. There's not much I can say. Things are bizarre but normal at the same time. I've learned to accept that life is never quite what you want it to be.

antsy girl.

2010-04-18T18:58:00.001-07:00

"She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we would try to pin her to a cork board like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew."
- Jerry Spinelli's Stargirl

Normalcy eludes me.

Life is good, as it seems. Things aren't perfect, that's for sure. But I'm starting to realize that I will never feel completely content. There will always be something that is gnawing at me, constantly begging for my attention. However, the general big picture points to a happy life for me right now. I'm not entirely stable romantically, but the happiness factor is there. So that's really all I can ask for, right? Maybe it won't last that long, but right now is good. =)

I miss Europe, speaking of. I know that's lame. But I miss the adventure of traveling I think is a better way to sum it up. I miss living out of a bag, I miss not feeling held down by the weight of my many responsibilities. I miss the romance of it all (in both senses of the term), I miss the intrigue. I miss the idea that "this will be my last moment here so I gotta remember it!" I miss the adventure, yeah. If money were flowing steadily I would go back. Or somewhere else. I need something new. I'm tired of staring at the One Arsenal Place courtyard, of eating at the Market on Broadway, of the same conversation over and over with twelve different people.

On the other hand, it's nice to accomplish things. Have a long lasting impression on people. Even if professors still spell my name with a "y" instead of an "i", they know who I am and know I work hard. Sometimes though, the wanderlust takes control.

I'm just antsy, I guess is what I'm getting to. Nothing is wrong, in fact, most things are going right right now. I'm doing well in school, my social life is fine, etc. But the antsiness has settled in. Mostly because I am both dreading and looking forward to the next few months.

The summer is coming. While I may not fulfill my wanderlust, I will get the time to relax, do rejuvenating self-building things, and maybe get a little sleep and have a little mindless fun, visit my parents, etc.

I'm just going to miss certain people.

But in the end, life is good. Strange, but good.

I just said, "dude, your perspective on life sucks."

2010-04-15T10:43:00.001-07:00

Hm. Life seems to be more tiring than I thought it would be post-Crazy For You. However, I haven't got much to complain about.

I finally got a chance to clean my room, and discovered that I've literally been swimming in dirty laundry for about a month now. It's much more cozy and work-easy now. Thankfully! Haha, plus, my wonderous roommate, Mandi, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom so now the apartment seems much fresher.

I'm working on choreography for extravaganza right now. (Well, taking a break to blog) But I feel so much more artistic freedom with this. Maybe it's because I got to choose my dancers. Maybe it's because I am just feeling less pressured because it's just a project for me. Either way, it's really nice.

I like this boy too. I mean, he makes me smile. And I kind of love that I don't see him every day. It's so much easier to spend time with him when we both legitimately have the time instead of trying to fit it in every spare second that we have. It's refreshing to be pseudo-dating someone who has the same perspective on that. He's weird, but hey. So am I.

Hm. Maybe it's just me, but the up-coming summer has brought me a real sense of peace. Yay!
I just can't wait to start getting paid.
=)

Love and tap shoes and cinnamon coffee and losing six pounds.

the way you changed my life..

2010-04-11T18:23:00.000-07:00

Crazy for You is over. Officially. Wow. What a run! Although stressful, it was a really great time! We sold out every show and played to standing ovations as well as happy audiences. Sure, it was a rough rehearsal period, but the show pulled through and I ended up having a great time (and losing somewhere between five and seven pounds...)

It was so nice to see my family this weekend. I forget how much I miss them until I'm faced with the idea of being around them again. It's like "WAIT! Come back! I want you to be here more!!" But life has to continue.

I came to the sad realization this morning though (while thinking of how I might actually miss the show..) that school will be ending soon, and a certain someone will be moving pretty far away from me. While I feel like he is making the right choice for himself I can't help but know that I will miss him. I know I'll be fine, I always am, but really? I want more than anything to stop leading my normal life.

I want something extraordinary.

Take that whatever way you please.
Love and feather headdresses and sequins and tap shoes.

(not) another brick in the wall.

2010-03-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

The concept of "cool" has always eluded me...

In elementary school, I can remember that I literally WANTED to be nerdy. I think it had something to do with the way I idolized my older sister (hey, I'm willing to admit that I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread for a good portion of my youth!) and the way she was so smart, but I really had a desire to wear glasses and braces and to dress a little dorky. It also could be attributed to my rebellious streak (I have one, believe it or not). However, being "cool" was definitely not something that I even began to care about in those days. "Cool" to me was going into the swamp or studying spiders or reading a book in one day. But then, I was a really weird kid. I liked to go out and pretend to be in a fort in the woods, I liked to put on talk shows in my living room, I was pretty sure there was nothing cooler than THAT.

I think the only time it occurred to me that I really genuinely cared about being popular or cool was when I hit those awkward pre-teen middle school years. But what can I say? Braces, frizzy hair (I had yet to discover heat styling...), clothes from Goody's, and acne just weren't the "cool thing" at the time, so I was pretty much SOL. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't miserable all those years because I had such great friends, lalala, but I will say that those years of ugly duckling syndrome definitely made an impression on me. Being the "ugly" or "weird" girl always sort of haunts me, even today. It really was just an awkward time for me - going through puberty a little earlier than my peers set my hormones in a rage, and my orthodontist didn't seem to care that I already had glasses and acne to make me a genuine loser, so braces it was! (Though I must admit to being thankful for my delightfully straight smile now!)

And even though my friends from that time still are a big part of my life, and they are probably the best way that I made it through that awkward transitional phase, I know that I was miserable. I find it strangely ironic, considering that I never had planned on being the popular girl in the first place. However, being constantly made fun of to my face by people I barely knew was just.. horrific, really. I'm not sure how I dealt with it in all honesty.

And then there was high school. Yet another transition phase for me, but this time, it was if I were emerging from the cocoon. Luckily for me, I got to start high school in a brand new place - at the school where my mother taught science. Now, I think a lot of kids would have chosen not to attend a school where their parents worked, but I was so desperate for a fresh start I was just going to have to accept the circumstances. Besides, Harlem (which is where I eventually went to school) had one of the best theatre programs in town, and I had always wanted to try my hand at theatre. My super nerdy (yet wonderful!) older sister had really found a home there in the theatre program so I felt like it was worth a shot. So I go to high school there.

Harlem is a small town. There is only one stop light, and a festival dedicated completely to Oliver Hardy once a year. It is a silly, tiny place, but in all honesty, I could not imagine ever being happier in high school. Sure, I had a host of self-esteem issues, but doesn't every fifteen year old? Especially after three years of being made fun of, my appearance became almost an obsession. The funny thing was though, that I was always a bit off of what was cool. I refuse(d) to accept a manikin as a definitive way to dress (and I still do). Instead, I would choose the most bizarre (yes, more bizarre than even now) outlets for my fashion expression. I had a phase where I would only listen to swing music and profusely told people that I had been born sixty years too late, and I had a phase where I wore a pony bead necklace every single day without fail. In fact, one day my drama teacher (who had become a second father to me) said to me, "Could you just not decide what to wear when you woke up this morning?" He was clearly joking, but it still rings true.

As a side note, the one thing that I discovered in high school was the theatre. I found a family there, I found art there, I found joy and self-confidence. Pretty much every actor at some point has this realization that their sole happiness comes from their craft and being onstage, and it really was the way that I discovered how not only to be confident, but also that being myself was once again cool, if only to like ten or so people. Nerdiness and all.

I graduated, never really knowing what it meant to be "cool" from a small town high school where my mom was a teacher, loving theatre (my salvation from the normalcy of every day life), and with bigger dreams than I'd ever had when I was younger.

And then, college. Now "cool" in college is so much different than cool in high school. I'm a theatre major, so everything is pretty warped for us. We live in a giant glass fish bowl, and there really is no way to swim out of it, so these are the people who are here to judge your "cool factor" (so to speak). Things are different. I feel judged more frequently by merit than by my looks (which consequently leads me to feel much less uncomfortable with my own body), and I know that in the long run being "popular" doesn't matter as much as how hard I work and how much drive I have to get what I want.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that conceptually, I'm done with it. I'm completely over what "cool" is. I don't have to like what you like, or wear what you wear, or even care about what you care about. It's not worth my time. I guess everyone goes through this phase, but it finally hit me last night that the whole group mentality thing is not what is important. You just have to remain positive and upbeat, you just have to work hard, you just have to do what you perceive to be the right thing to do - otherwise? You're selling yourself short. There is no mold that we all fit into! You cannot force people to like you by doing what they expect of you because there is no way possible that you are being completely true to yourself.

And isn't that more important?
---

Thoughts from Robin. Stress abounds, I feel very blessed to be living the life that I am.

Walking zombie.

2010-03-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

So, I will make a single statement about the current state of my life:

Crazy For You (square that because we're about to go into tech next week) + One Acts + School Work + Money + The Most Confusing Boy Alive = Very on edge Robin.

Ah, I can't wait til we open though!
Until then, I will be a little tense.

But I still love you all!

Hi Robin, this is your life. Welcome back!

2010-03-15T17:00:00.000-07:00

So here I sit in the theatre lounge on my little baby netbook, Bonaparte. While I am so happy to have him back, I have to admit that I resent the fact that I am not snoozing at this moment. Why oh why oh why is spring break so teasingly short?!

I pretty much have gone right back into the swing of things - which generally means that I'm in over my head ninety seven percent of the time. Luckily, I have my trusty faith and perseverance on my side. Otherwise I'm not sure I'd make it through. Crazy For You enters tech not this coming weekend, but the next, and quite frankly, we have tons of work to do before then. While I firmly believe in this wonderful cast, I know that it's going to be along haul to get to the point where we want to be by then.

Also, I start rehearsing for my one act tomorrow. I won't lie and say I'm not dying of nervousness. A part of me is totally cool about it, but another part is just freaking out on the inside. But I know that the director has to be the best actor in the room and convince everyone that they know exactly what they're doing... so I'll try to do just that. It will be fun, I just have to get over the initial shock of everything.

Also, I'm starting work on my dance extravaganza pieces a little early this year so that I have time to perfect them instead of throwing them together at the last minute. While that's a very good thing, it also stresses me quite a bit!

Here is a good thing though: I had an excellent day in acting class today. While sometimes I get bogged down with the "real life" situations of the mainstage season or my social life I forget about working on my craft, but I really put the work in on my Spoon River piece and it really paid off. Thank goodness! I had been struggling for awhile with particularization, but now I really feel things starting to click.

Ah, welcome back. Maybe I wasn't QUITE ready, but here is my life. Coming at me head on.
C'est la vie!
love.

life is not about finding yourself.

2010-03-13T08:49:00.000-08:00

So. I go back to rehearsing tomorrow, and back to school Monday.

Spring Break has been... well it's been wonderful. It's been relaxing, lovely, all of that. It's helped me clear my mind and reorganize my life. However, I feel like more pressing matters are hovering over my head, ala Crazy for You, Asleep on the Wind, etc... So in a way I am happy to get back to school. I'm super nervous about starting rehearsals for my one act, and I'm super glad Brenda is back and Crazy for You is not leaderless anymore!

On that note, I'm very excited about my life right now. Maybe everything won't work out, but I'm hoping for it to.
Oh, life.

the art of going with the flow.

2010-03-08T10:28:00.000-08:00

Honestly, as of lately (especially when it comes to romance) I have been trying to master the art of "going with the flow". I tend to be a super controlling person because in all other aspects of my life, honestly, I have to be. If I'm not controlling, I'll totally forget to do something.

However, there is a point where going with the flow can get you in trouble - both socially and emotionally. I really think I'm feeling more social repercussions right now (and honestly I'm fine with that. I have gotten to the point where I really don't care if people approve of me anymore.) but I'm fearing the emotional ones of my actions now. Right now - I'm fine. I'm just worried about tipping over that edge into emotional meltdown...

Luckily, it's spring break. And all the aforementioned boys have left town! As much as I adore both of them, I'm so happy to have this time to just sit back on my couch, clean my apartment, get my homework/show work done, and SLEEP, and hang out with my friends. So I suppose that going with the flow is alright for now.

I have a lot of thinking to do. Whether or not I decide to take action, I guess we'll see.
Because honestly, I will be fine no matter what. Right?

let the sunshine in!

2010-02-20T10:32:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here in my room getting ready to head out to my first callbacks as a big kid director, and I've opened the blinds and the sun is shining in through my window. I put on a floral scarf today, re-cut my bangs yesterday, and I'm just feeling generally very content with my life. Why?

Because I decided to be. Lately I've been doing a lot of praying, meditating, spending time with God and I feel like it has really helped me to accept and love the life I'm living right now. I'm so grateful for the friends that I have, I'm so grateful for the love and light that I have in my heart. I'm so very grateful for my family who have supported me even though I made the choice to enter a field that has so much unemployment. I am very grateful to be living HERE in Columbus on THIS DAY where I can go watch my talented friends act for me, where I can eat thin mints (though I am feeling a little guilty about that... my hips don't need them!) and make up my own recipes for tasty ways to drink my coffee in the morning. I'm grateful for the people who are here to help keep me organized.

I have felt this way since I've been in college but I really want to put this in words: I'm really happy that I live in a place that accepts me for who I am. Maybe it is the weird warp-time bubble of not being a kid and not being an adult, but being surrounded by other people who just want to truly be themselves has helped me grow into a person who wants to be just herself and not one who just wants to be what's popular or what other people conceive to be pretty. I truly feel like I CAN put on whatever I want (let's face it, I wear some strange things sometimes...) or say what I want or act like an idiot or dance on a street corner and actually feel free for once. How incredible is that?

Basically, I am just so lucky to have the life I do. And from now on, I promise to do these things: take a moment to be grateful for the life I have, don't settle for anything just because it seems like what society wants from me, enjoy the moment while I can (it only comes once), play games with my friends, connect more with my sister (because I love her.), stop worrying about how fat I think I am, laugh more, read more books. <3

the race is long - and in the end, it's only with yourself.

seventeen really awesome things.

2010-02-15T19:47:00.001-08:00

for a little positivity, I wanted to list a random number (17) of awesome things about my life.

1. when you're actually in shape enough to stretch properly.
2. drinking OJ out of a wine glass.
3. ordering pizza and cinnamon sticks during a two hour break between class and rehearsal.
4. yoga in the morning.
5. sleeping in the same bed with someone else, and waking up late with them.
6. my cat. (enough said.)
7. my mom sending me chocolate for valentine's day.
8. doing my own nails.
9. being done with my directing analysis.
10. the snow.
11. inspiration for my crappy poetry.
12. making good grades in my classes.
13. choreographing for both crazy for you AND the theatre dance 2 class!
14. directing a one act... getting to sit in the director's seat at auditions!!
15. watching grey's with brian.
16. the moment when you finish running and plop down on the couch.
17. living where I live now, with the people who I love, doing what I really love... because hey - if I didn't love theatre, would I be going into a field with 90% unemployment?

love you kids.

things I love.

2010-02-11T10:16:00.000-08:00

(because sometimes life is just ordinary, and there isn't much to blog about.)

1. Cosmos. Not to sound like an alcoholic, but they are a wonderful girly mix drink! And just so I don't look like an alchie, I'll include Sex on the Beach on this list within the same number as Cosmos... they are too tasty to have liquor in them. But seeing how I'm learning to make them myself, I now know just HOW MUCH goes into one... hah!
2. Meditation. Enough said.
3. The combination of legwarmers and thigh high socks and boots. Warm!
4. The fact that it is supposed to snow tonight/tomorrow/tomorrow night... in GEORGIA?! Haha, it probably won't, but the entire idea is enchanting!
5. The fact that Hard Candy Cosmetics released a (much cheaper) line for Walmart. While I'm not generally a Walmart enthusiast, I have to admit that buying foundation primer for eight dollars is so much better than saving up to buy it's Smashbox equivalent for twenty four dollars. They all work about the same anyway.
6. Wings. I'm in a phase where pretty much all I want to eat is chicken wings.
7. The other thing I crave pretty much constantly is Mexican food. Who knew?
8. Thai Dragon Fruit Febreze! Smells so good.
9. The PS. I Love You - Spring Fling scent from Bath & Body Works. I might have splurged a tiny bit the other day and got some stuff. No worries though!
10. The game, Fish World, on Facebook. Stop judging me.

<3

;)

2010-02-10T13:56:00.000-08:00

cleaning the apartment in your underwear while watching the disney channel?
best way to clean ever.

why I win.

2010-02-02T21:58:00.000-08:00

too perfect not to blog about.

Facebook IM from my friend, Melissa.

"oh btw. i'm playing the original oregon trail game and i tried to ford the river and garrett, ansley and corey all drowned

but you stayed alive"

=) It's the little things in life.

MY LIFE IS BIZARRE (6)

2010-02-02T19:38:00.000-08:00

episode six: a dialogue.

(while driving in Kristin's car)
ROBIN: I am so full. I can't eat the rest of this cookie. I think I might throw it out the window.
KRISTIN: If you EVER throw a cookie out of my fucking window -
ROBIN: Did you just put the child lock on me?!

fierce with reality.

2010-02-01T22:39:00.000-08:00

1. I've started meditating. I'm pretty sure it's good for my soul. At least it helps me to feel very peaceful when I generally don't feel that way at all.
2. I've started writing poetry again, not all of which is sad. It's so much easier to express myself now. I don't want to say "maybe it's the meditation" but maybe it is. Maybe it's the lack of "clutter" of romance in my life. I can't say that I don't have feelings for any one person, because that would just be a lie and a half but I can say that I'm truly content with the way things are right now.
3. I've given up coke. I'm pretty proud of it. (though I do admit that every now and then I get a craving and I buy one. but it's only about three in a week instead of six in a day. drastic change.)
4. I am losing weight. I look in the mirror, and I feel better about myself. This is progress.
5. I'm trying to be cleaner, and it's really helping. I've also started actually purchasing REAL SIMPLE magazine, which is something I've been wanting to do for months. I plan on testing out one of the recipes this week.
6. Crazy for You is going well thus far, I'm tired, my body hurts, I am grateful for this week off of rehearsal. Just to recoup.
7. Taking Garrett (and James) to get their hair cut tomorrow. Interesting how I'm not dreading it or looking forward to it. Just sort of... coasting, I guess.
8. Spoon River made me cry in Meisner today. I have a feeling this will be a continued situation. I love when that happens. (Sort of.) (Except that while it is truthful, it's horribly embarrassing.)
9. I feel like people have been questioning me lately because I haven't sought them out for "hang out time". It's not that I don't want to hang out, I just pretty much dedicate most of my time to A) Working out, B) Rehearsal, C) Class, D) My analysis, or E) Sleeping. I try to fit some other things in, but it's difficult! I swear I'm not angry or upset with anyone. I just need to focus on other things right now than my social life.
10. Life is pretty good, really. This semester is going to shape up to be a busy one, but I foresee wonderful things to come.

“You need to claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all that you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality.”

Florida Scott Maxwell

a changing outlook.

2010-01-20T19:52:00.000-08:00

I go through phases of moping and positivity.

However, I really feel like the phase I'm in right now is one of the greatest positive "phases" I've ever felt. It feels so much more permanent too... I don't know if that makes sense. I know that I tend to be flighty with how I feel and my emotions are everywhere, but I really think I found something that puts me in a really good mood and that I really look forward to -

I freaking love working out.
Bizarre, right? For someone who spent most of their life avoiding the treadmill at all costs, I really am a little bit obsessed with running at least two miles a day now. I also really love the Skinny Bitch: Boot Camp and Skinny Bitch: Body DVDs that I got the other day on sale. PERFECT. I love working out with the Follies Girl Workout Club (which I think should be a name of a book... filled with comedic moments and touching stories about each member! I write it, yes?) and I love just feeling in general, better about myself. Maybe I haven't lost any weight (yet) but I really just feel a lot more energy and a more positive flow. I'm really going to try to start getting into meditation as well, because I need a calm, clear mind for the semester ahead of me.

A part of me really wants to join the Y... because I want to take Zumba class, haha. I know that's a little lame but it intrigues me so! I also picked up a set of weights today to use instead of soup cans while I work out.

Another change I'm making (and for the first time experiencing some form of success at..) is trying to cut back on Coca Cola. I KNOW, right?! But here is what I'm doing: I'm saying that if I have one a day, I'll be okay. Then I'm carrying water EVERYWHERE, drinking coffee with non-fat creamer in the mornings, and treating myself instead of to a coke to a Pellegrino! In fact, I have had a total of one coke in the past three days! WAY TO GO ME! =) Progress, right?

I think it's the endorphens, but I really feel a lot happier. I think that one of the best things I've ever done for myself is what I had deemed "My Summer of Self-Improvement". That was the summer when I taught myself to put on a nice outfit each day, and to take the time for the little things that I wanted to do just for myself, and I logged it into my journal each day. So here it is: My Semester of Self Improvement. We'll see how long this goes! I hope until May =)

Self Improvement Activity of the Day: Two mile run, ab section of the Skinny Bitch: Body DVD, Meditation, Delicious low-cal smoothie with Ansley and Melissa =) And onto an at-home mani-pedi!

Time to keep it positive!

back to the grind...

2010-01-15T10:24:00.001-08:00

Is it sad that it's only been one full week of classes and I'm already a little bit stressed out?
Probably.

I think sometimes people confuse what I mean when I say I'm stressed though - I very rarely mean it in a bad way. Personally, having things (especially theatrically related things) to do from sun up to midnight brings me a lot of reward. I sometimes complain and I definitely worry a lot, but I really do love what I do here at school.

During the past week, I had several "wrong place wrong time" moments. I'm not sure what's going on with that, but it's starting to ease up. I'm sorry if I've been a wet sock but I feel a light at the end of my (rather short) dark tunnel right now, so I'm hoping my general mental clarity will return ASAP.

So here are some of the things I've got going on right now:

1. One Acts. Hit the ground running! I'm ready to have my final decision made and start my analysis. After reading the outline, I know that I'm going to end up writing a small novel, and I really would like to get started on it, lest I actually start to become really stressed out. I'm excited about the piece that I'm more than likely going to get to do, and I am just in general pumped about the situation.
2. Working out. Crazy For You will be starting soon, which means I really need to be in shape! It's something I've been ignoring for far too long. Luckily, I have some work out buddies who are also in the show who are willing to run with me. Phew! Also, Karen and I are going to look into joining a local gym so we can take classes together. Also a plus of this: bikini season is soon, so I need to have less pudge...
3. I bought a coffee pot! Haha, this seems like a stupid thing to update about, but I really really really love coffee, so the general excitement factor of owning one makes me really happy.

I really wish my appetite would come back though. Not because I want to eat, but because I don't want people to worry about me not eating...

presentation of the evidence.

2010-01-08T09:17:00.000-08:00

I am really weird. Here are some of the things that I think really support this theory:

1. I am really grossed out by wet paper. Like, not like I think it's moderately gross and just don't like it. It rules the way I behave at restaurants because it literally can drive me to the point of throwing up. This is weird. Just admit it.
2. As a child, I used to cry every time anyone would bring attention to the idea of kudzu. If you don't know, kudzu is the plant that was introduced to the South that grows on and suffocates trees until they die. Clearly I was a hippie child.
3. There are many textures that bother me. Not just in foods, but even seeing them or touching them freaks me out: whipped cream, silly putty, anything of that nature.
4. I'm literally terrified of the Muppet's Christmas Carol. Please do not judge me for this, it has to do with my family torturing me as a child.
5. I used to be scared of sponges. As a child, I once screamed and cried on one side of the garage because I saw one. They still kind of freak me out, texture wise. But this is one of my many bizarre fears that I'm over.
6. I twitch. Enough said.

Haha. I am sure that there is a lot more to this list, but these are the things that have come up recently. I really think I need to stop letting my fear of random ass objects rule my life...
or just accept it as eccentricity.

Love always.
and remember: "In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be DIFFERENT."

a slice of life.

2010-01-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking in lists a lot lately, so here is another one. Things that I am really into in life right now.

1. Air drying my hair. I really think it's a good idea, considering that I can't get it cut until mid-April! As happy as I am to be in a show, I can survive this one inconvenience of having crappy looking hair. But until then, I'm gonna try to heat style it a lot less, so the ends don't fry off!
2. Audio books. I don't know about you guys, but I did a LOT of driving over the break. From Columbus to Athens, Athens to Augusta, Augusta to Greenville, etc! Luckily, I purchased the audio books of the entire Chronicles of Narnia for my mother for Christmas and she put them on my zune! It's a really great way to pass time while driving alone for long periods of time.
3. The natural look. I really stopped wearing a lot of colorful makeup over the break. Mostly because I didn't bring much of it in an attempt to "pack light". It's funny, because growing up I always hated my face. I had acne, a big nose, etc. But over the past few years, I've come to really like my unique features. (It also helps that my skin has cleared a lot.) So mostly lately I've just been rocking a really natural "I wake up glowing" (as Paige would say) make up look - foundation mixed with moisturizer, a little bit of blush and bronzer, MAYBE some liner and then mascara and lip balm. For evenings out, of course I turn it up a little, but for now I really like the way this is working out.
4. The Tudors. Addicting.
5. Morning routines. I will just say this: There is no better way to wake up than to have a nice morning stretch, some protein (I LOVE HARD BOILED EGGS! 88 Calories each, and you're not hungry for hours! What's better than that? Carb-filled breakfasts leave you hungry around 11!), a little relaxation and a nice shower. As much as I (like all college students) love to sleep, I think it's worthwhile to wake up two hours in advance (as opposed to fifteen minutes!) so that I have time to really wake up my body. I started doing this for the second half of this past semester and it really worked wonders on how much energy I had in my morning classes - not falling asleep and feeling like I was already in the middle section of my day has really helped me pay better attention!
6. Cooking! Haha, this is a given, because I've always loved cooking. But my dad got me the Betty Crocker Cookbook for Christmas, and one of my resolutions was to cook at least three times a week this semester (in order to save money, make healthier choices, etc.) and so far, so good. But school hasn't started yet, haha. I made pad thai for myself and some chili this week! Both were delicious, and I'm pretty proud that I'm learning to make things other than jambalaya and bell peppers over noodles.
7. Being generally excited about this semester. I feel like this is the semester for everything to really come together. I'm very content being single (for now), I have some of the greatest friends, and I'm working on stuff I really want to be working on (no fluffy classes that I hate!). I'm ready to really dive into the work that I have and spend time with the people here who I love.

So that's about it. Convocation on Friday! Class on Monday! Ah, such is life.
Love always.
and remember: "Happiness is the secret to all beauty. There is no beauty that is attractive without happiness."

a list of random thoughts.

2010-01-04T07:39:00.002-08:00

My grandfather and I are now facebook friends.
I really wish I had time for a real job.
Cutting plays makes me want to hurt myself. Taking any part away from the playwright seems like a sin.
I'm not ready to be stressed out again, but I'm welcoming the distraction.
Crazy for You is going to be lots of fun. But very tiring.
I find it hard to breathe when he is in the room. Baby steps, I just keep telling myself that. Baby steps.
I adore India Winslow and stress-free hang outs with her.
I really want a coffee pot. I never knew you could set them so they would make your coffee right before you got up! INCREDIBLE.
I'm sickeningly addicted to watching The Tudors.
I wish my sewing skills were better.
Last night, a beer fell out of my fridge onto my toe. Being the logical person that I am, I took this as a sign from God that I should drink what I saved from falling on the floor.
There is a really big zit on my cheek. It is in the spot I always wished I had a beauty mark. Irony? I think so.
Audio books = addicting.
Even though I heard it was no good, I still want to see the movie of The Lovely Bones, just because I loved the book so much.
I am realizing just how shy I still really am.
One of my two best friends, Laura, is moving to Columbus TODAY. Not only that but she is moving in with one of my favorite people - Paige! How perfect could that be?
Being friends with Brian again makes me happy. It's nice.
I'm really sad about a lot of the people graduating this semester.
I'm very content with my life right now. Being antisocial, single, and lazy has probably been the best thing for me.

I'm off to meet Laura's parents at her new apartment, since I have the key.
Love!

so this is the new year?

2010-01-01T09:34:00.000-08:00

Let me start with this: I wish you all a glorious 2010. I like to think that the world gets better the older I get, so I am thinking my year of being twenty one will be better than my year of being twenty. Just like being twenty was better than being nineteen.

I guess it's typical to make some resolutions. So these are mine. I'm not going to say I'm going to lose weight... because that's probably not true. And the fact is, while I may not be a size 2 or weigh 110 pounds (size eight, one hundred and thirty seven thanks!), I am not unhealthy, and I don't have huge self esteem issues about it, so why waste the time feeling like shit about myself? Door closed.

But on the other hand, I'm resolved to start doing things to help out my respiratory health. In all honesty, I could be better about running/etc so that's my unrealistic (because I'll abandon it mid january when Crazy for You starts!) New Years resolution.

Next: I am not going to hook up with anyone. Sound stupid? Sound lame? It's something I've been wanting to eradicate from my life for a long time. So I'm just going to stop. It's less of a resolution and more of a lifestyle change, but that's it.

This has been my outlook for about a month and a half now but here it is: FOCUS ON SCHOOL. Never in my life have I put so much focus on dating than in the past year. Between all the stupidity, my grades have slipped in the past two semesters and I've made many more B's than I probably should have. I really need to put my thinking cap back on and realize that hopefully I will be MOVING far away (Hopefully to Chicago) in less than two years, so why should I start a serious relationship now? I don't know. I'm not saying that if the right guy comes along I'll ignore his presence, I'm only stating that I am no longer going to rely on men for my source of happiness - mostly because I find that I'm overall much more miserable when I'm not single than when I am.

More simple things: Cook three times a week, learn more about sewing, eat out for lunch WAY less, and destroy EJ Cameron.

That's all for now, folks.

Don't get me wrong, 2009 was great. And I love everyone who made it so interesting for me - but I am just ready for a fresh, more professional, more put together start to my life. Less whining, less complaining, less crying.

Let's get on that, okay? Haha.
Back to Columbus later today!

the caterpillar.

2009-12-29T19:09:00.000-08:00

So while waiting to check out at Barnes and Noble today, I aimlessly glanced towards a tower that was covered in "inspirational" magnets. Being a total sap and as always, one for quotations, I read over them while waiting, most of which I had seen before.

However, my eyes landed on one I hadn't. It was an anonymous quotation that went something like this: "and just when the caterpillar thought the world was over - it became a butterfly."

And while I usually dismiss these quotations for general fluff that describes giant life ideals, I found myself really relating to this little magnet.

I have always thought it was the end of the world.

I remember when I was fifteen and I found out Jason was gay - the world was over. But no - it wasn't. I just kept going and life kept going on. And when I would never make senior company jazz - the world was OVER, for sure this time. But it wasn't. And I still love dancing as much as I ever did. And when I was eighteen, and I felt the sting of a real heartbreak and a real hurt for the first time, I cried on the floor in my childhood home and the world had to have ended in that moment several different times - but it didn't. And when I was twenty and I didn't want to get out of bed, because I didn't want to live in the world without him - the world must have ended. And when I realized that I had lost one of my best friends - that must have been the end.

But it wasn't. Ironically, I am single. I am what other people would call "alone" in this world - but I am strangely more happy than I have ever been. Maybe it's the magic of being home. Maybe I'm just finally finding my own footing, maybe I won't be "damaged goods" anymore. Who knows?

But really - who cares? I'm happy.

So I am the caterpillar. And maybe I don't have a boyfriend. And maybe I've put on a few pounds in the last two weeks. And maybe I am always broke. And maybe I'm stressed - but I'm so very happy with my friends, my craft, my work, and everything that I love in life.

that oh shit - I think I'm the butterfly.
---

love.

taking it easy.

2009-12-28T19:53:00.000-08:00

Things I have done in the past few weeks that have amazed me:
I have watched MANY movies, including going to the theatre to see three of them! (Sherlock Holmes, Did you Hear about the Morgans?, and Nine!)
I have sewn myself an apron, just for kicks.
I have slept, a lot.
I have bought beers at bars, and just enjoyed them.
I learned to cook pad thai.
I saw someone from home who I have severely missed, but I realize now that that chapter of my life is closed. (feel free to imagine sappy sad music playing here.)

Things I haven't done that I need to:
Cut one acts.
Work out.
Read Spoon River Anthology.

Basically everything I need to do. Haha. But it's really been an excellent break, thus far. I have such mixed feelings about going back to school. On the one hand, I can't wait to get my hands back to working on a show, but at the same time I really like the feeling I get from relaxing. Oh well, life goes on!

Also I realized how lame it sounds when people ask me what I like to do outside of theatre and I have to answer with "I like to cook and bake, I love to read, and I've just started sewing recently." Haha. Oh well!

Life is good.

merry and bright. (or, a look at christmas 2009)

2009-12-25T10:21:00.000-08:00

First off, let me start by saying just this: Happy Christmas! Which has bizarrely become my default way of wishing joy to others on the holiday!

I have always loved Christmas. It's a time that always reminds me of dark skies with sparkling stars, the warm glow of church at midnight, beautiful brass quartets, delicious food, warm firesides, snow (not that we ever have any...), twinkle lights, and glitter! In all honesty, it's pretty much all my favorite things combined, plus time off from school and being so stressed out....

On that note, I have to say this: This Christmas has been lovely. Just perfectly lovely.

=)

And I hope yours has been too.

Ps. I really wish that Narnia was a real place. I'm not even kidding.

I can't be bothered now!

2009-12-17T20:22:00.000-08:00

Life is grand right now.

It's break, for one thing. The idea of the semester being over is finally settling in. It's so nice to just RELAX and not have to worry about any sort of class-like thing (aside from Directing 2, and finding time to read Spoon River Anthology...) on a pressing basis is SO NICE. I don't have to wake up at any given point in time, or worry about making it to class, etc. I'm also really looking forward to next semester. I think the classes I'm taking seem particularly stimulating - which is always nice. Also, I'm pretty pumped about Crazy For You. I've been saying that forever,but truthfully, it'll be nice to have a role that really showcases me for what I feel are my strong points. That sounds conceited, but it's a comedic dancing role - come on! So that's pretty exciting. Plus I'm pretty pumped to be working on something that I feel so strongly about - musical theatre is definitely one of my favorite things... ever.

So there's that. But also I'm visiting my best friend, Anna, in Athens, GA. We've been pretty much PERFECTLY lazy and I'm remembering how to be not-so-social and just relax and enjoy a marathon of a box DVD set. Perfect. Or a good documentary. Back to my nerdy roots!

And then - Laura is transferring to Columbus State next semester! HOORAH! I'm really happy because I want her close to me, being that she's my other best friend. That's just another good thing in my life.

Also, going home is potentially very exciting. I love seeing my family, and I love spending time with them. In all reality, I really don't hate Greenville either. I used to really resent the entire idea of my family living anywhere other than Augusta, but I'm very grateful to still have them all together where I can visit fairly easily, though the drive IS a bitch.

In general, I've come to a very good point of view on single-ness. It's not crippling or disabling, it's just... being single. I've not met anyone who has made me go ga-ga in a long time. But in reality, I'm a catch. That sounds conceited, but I am a nice, normal, pretty girl who cooks well and is generally interested in the world. I mean, I do have my flaws but everyone deserves a chance to be happy. But that's just the point of a relationship - to be HAPPY. Not to settle - so that's my current (not new, not saying I'm going to stick to it...) philosophy - make myself happy. Don't settle. Just do what makes me joyful. I might miss snuggling, but I'm sure I can find a gay guy friend to fulfill those duties. =) Faghag? Maybe. Miserable? No.

Also, I've been handmaking almost all of my Christmas gifts this year. I love it. It's so nice to know that actual thought has really gone into what I've made - and I love them! In fact, I was so obsessed with the apron I made for Anna that I almost kept it! And she hand-knitted me the most beautiful creamy white scarf! Perfect!

Ahhh, to be happy is to love the world.
And so life goes.

I've started watching The Tudors. I feel like it's a joygasm of costuming.

monday, monday...

2009-12-14T21:31:00.001-08:00

Good day today:

Slept in really late.
Got up, did my laundry and caught up on BBC's Merlin.
It rained, so I put my pj's back on.
Worked on handmade Christmas gifts while watching all of the following movies: A Christmas Carol: The Musical, Spiderman, and Spiderman 2.

First Monday Off: Win.

if only in my dreams <3

2009-12-13T14:19:00.000-08:00

oh, it's the holiday season!

I feel like I haven't updated in awhile - so here's a few thoughts:

1. It's the Christmas season - MY FAVORITE. In all reality, I always view Christmas as this magical sparkling time of the year where people are nicer, the songs are prettier, and you can eat as many baked goods as you like as long as they have red and green sprinkles on them... perfect.
2. I am missing him so very much right now. A part of me wants to beat myself up for ruining our friendship, but the other part of me regrets nothing. I have no idea how to feel around him - because in all rights, it's better this way. But at the same time, I hate the idea of him with anyone else, and I hate that I miss him so much. It drives me to make snide comments to him, which I hate even more about myself. In general, I just want to fast forward to that part where I don't have any more feelings for him.
3. I'm twenty one now! Hooray! Life has been bizarre since then - going in and out of bars, etc. Strange!
4. I feel that one of the people who I thought was one of my really good friends has betrayed me by spreading really cruel lies about me. I'm not sure how to confront them though, because I have no proof that it was them, just my intuition. My plan - turn the other cheek. I'm pretty sure that's what the powers that be would want me to do, so it's what I'm planning on.
5. I can't wait to be home with my family for the holiday. It's weird, but I really need to feel that safety for awhile. While I adore my friends here, I'm starting to feel the seismic pressure of our social circle crumbling. So I'm just ready to free myself.
6. The Lovely Bones is an amazing book. Read it.
7. The Potluck was really fun, but I really miss my traditional Christmas Party. But on the other hand, stuffing! MMM.

In general, life is good. Sometimes little things nag at me, but I love the work I'm doing here and I love that I'm really starting to believe in myself lately. My main focus from now on is going to be this: THEATRE and ART. And I'm going to (forgive the reference) hold out for a hero. I'm tired of trying to make things work with people who aren't right for me. I'm tired of ruining friendships, so until someone comes along who changes my mind - it's me and my art.
Well, that's my healthy mentality for now.
Love!
Happy Christmas!

a fox trot above my head - a sock hop beneath my bed!

2009-12-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

Today was a really good day (thus far). I'm pretty sure it's worth documenting, however un-extraordinary it may seem.

This morning, I woke up early and Cory was still here from where he spent the night on my pull-out bed last night. =) It's always nice to wake up to friends. I made myself some fried eggs (which were tasty) and my first human contact was Brittain appearing in the space between our bar and grumbling some incoherent early morning syllable that made me chuckle (something along the lines of "ernh!"). I love it when I wake up early, fairly well rested and get a good breakfast!

Then I went to Crazy For You dance rehearsals. They were really fun, and I got a nice little built in work out! Plus, the boys were there so we got to do lifts the entire last hour =) fun!

The next part of my day consisted of picking up India who bought me a coffee at the market, going to the grocery store to get baking ingredients, then to Burger King for lunch - then we came home and ate and baked most of the day! We made: fudge, oreo truffles, red velvet truffles, and we WERE going to make brownies and cookies but we got distracted... And Melissa (SA!) came over!

When Brittain thought we could get a free cat. Which we couldn't, but it resulted in a trip to PetSmart! Where even though there was no free cat, we got to see some cute animals. Even though Cody the dog made us sad. I wanted to love on him so bad!

Then India made Sims of us all in The Sims 3 =) Joy of joys.

I just feel like good days should be documented.

Tonight is my twenty first birthday. Hoorah! I look forward to ordering a drink tonight at TGI Fridays surrounded by my friends =)

Life is good.
(and bizarre, though I have no strange remarks to share after the toothbrush comment.)

I AM BIZARRE (2): Toothbrush

2009-12-05T12:29:00.000-08:00

I Am Bizarre, Episode Two: Toothbrush

"Cory is just like a toothbrush. No really, I think you could just brush your teeth with his hair."

Why do I say these things?!

MY LIFE IS BIZARRE (5)

2009-11-29T19:26:00.000-08:00

episode five.

When driving up to my parents' condo in North Carolina this week, I noticed a flag hanging outside of one of the windows. My brain said "Dear God, no."
My family, instead of being like all NORMAL American families, has decided to forgo the traditional American or Seasonal flag and opt for something much more... ethnic.
We fly the Irish flag.

Not only that, but there are framed pictures of Ireland, empty Jameson bottles, and so much Irish insignia around our new house and it just scared me a little bit.

My life is bizarre.

the scapegoat (or just another example of how weird I am)

2009-11-25T22:04:00.000-08:00

Every time I tell someone that I'm going to visit my parents in North Carolina, they usually have something to tell me about the state - such as "Oh North Carolina is so beautiful!" or "Oh, I have an uncle in North Carolina."

I realized something as the 757 descended onto the row of plastic-looking perfect North Carolinian houses - I resent the state of North Carolina. I take out all my general frustration with the idea of my family moving from my childhood home on the entire state of North Carolina - I don't like North Carolina houses (they all look the same!), I don't like North Carolina drivers (they are worse than the ones in Columbus!), etc, etc, blah blah blah.

Okay, so here's my goal: STOP BLAMING THE ENTIRE STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA FOR ALL OF MY TROUBLES.
(even if it is inferior to the state of Georgia.)

I'm in North Carolina for Thanksgiving. Happy to be out of Columbus, secretly wishing it was Augusta, actually not totally hating my parents' new condo.
Bizarrely okay with the situation.

I will say this for North Carolina, they do have a really good Mexican restaurant for my parents to frequent.

I AM BIZARRE. (episode one.)

2009-11-22T20:58:00.000-08:00

(not that this is the first bizarre thing that I've ever done, but I felt that along with my series, "My Life is Bizarre", I should include the fact that I am bizarre, and some awesome moments of me being... well, bizarre.)

"If there were epic battles, like in Middle Earth, I think there would be one between me and cling wrap."

(only half of a joke.)

2009-11-21T17:52:00.000-08:00

I'm going on strike from dating.

No, it really is just too stressful for me right now, warps my (and everyone else's, for that matter) priorities, and makes me moderately miserable.

So until something nice comes along and happens easily, it's bye-bye trying to hard and hello hard-hitting the books. Because if he really comes along, it will all work out without the stress and miserability.

Luckily, I have my real passion in my life to keep me going. I am loving my theatre classes, despite how miserable my social life is right now. So life is good.

And Christmas is soon, so things are looking up.

ps. I'm not actually striking from dating. but it would be nice if I could turn off my emotions for once.

pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.

2009-11-14T13:57:00.000-08:00

so it's been a hard week this week.
so I still have myself, my friends, my family, my passion, and God.
I have the support of not just my friends but even the faculty of CSU.
I have a wonderful, caring family.
Just because James and I didn't work out as a couple doesn't mean I have to lose him as my friend.
I'm actually pretty much a badass.

Life will be okay. I just need to be sad a little while longer.
I miss you, so come home soon.

MY LIFE IS BIZARRE (4)

2009-11-06T14:31:00.001-08:00

My Life is Bizarre (Episode 4)

Yesterday in acting class, my partner Chase sat on a chair on top of a desk while I played with a large pink bouncy ball (a la the ones at walmart in those giant bins!) and we read a scene.

My life is so bizarre.

random thoughts in no particular order.

2009-11-03T15:47:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling really worn down right now.
I hate the way that people try to fit other people into a cookie cutter mold of what they think they should be. I'm afraid I've been guilty of that for the past few days. (our relationship/whatever is not cookie cutter perfect. it never will be. I'm okay with that - and everyone else can suck it.)
I love directing but it stresses me out.
I wish the world wasn't run by money.
My sense of fashion changes on a weekly basis.
My hair is getting long.
I've been drinking the crazy juice lately. I need to stop that.
I got cast as Tess in Crazy For You! SO EXCITING.
I love fried chicken.
It would be great if I could lose weight.
I am stressed about getting a one act chosen.
I love you kids.
That is all.

MY LIFE IS BIZARRE (3)

2009-10-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

My Life is Bizarre: Episode 3

So James arrives in the computer lab today where I am working on my directing analysis. After a few minutes, he decides to hijack my computer and update my facebook status to say: "is a loser". I think nothing of it until later when I receive a text from my mom that says, "are you okay?" to which I reply "yeah. why wouldn't I be?" and she says "your facebook status says you're a loser." So I call her and tell her why it says that, and she proceeds to tell me that because they both have facebooks now and saw it, she and my father were worried about me.

My life is so bizarre.

the spectrum's a to z.

2009-10-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

my life is good. I feel like I'm walking around in this little bubble that no one really gets (not even me). things are going well. I feel happier than I have in a long time.

and I guess from the outside, my world looks pretty much the same.
but trust me, it's a lot better.

MY LIFE IS BIZARRE (2)

2009-10-23T16:09:00.001-07:00

MY LIFE IS BIZARRE: Episode 2

So I am sitting around listening to Taking Back Sunday when there is a knock at the door. Once again, it is two young guys selling magazines for charity. Of course, I discourage them (having learned my lesson from the last time) and tell them that I'd rather not. I insinuate that I have a boyfriend, and I let them go. As soon as I close the door, the paper thin walls of my apartment building allow me to hear one resounding statement from the salesboy's mouth: "DUDE! She was so hot!"

Janine and I proceed to die with laughter.

the end.

MY LIFE IS BIZZARE (1)/A Quick Update

2009-10-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

(episode one)

Last night, my roommate's boyfriend, Josh, came into my room wrapped in her quilt. He proceeded to eerily stand in my doorway like a zombie. A few moments later, my roommate tried to drag him away by the quilt, which revealed that he was in his underwear.

My life is bizarre.

----

My life is pretty good right. I love the new MIKA album (get it.)
I had a good day in acting yesterday.
I love Directing class.
Yeah, I like my life.

=) (even if it is bizarre. more episodes to come.)

questions.

2009-10-15T22:19:00.001-07:00

it's really weird how awkward dancing and horrible singing from strangers (and, of course, wonderful singing from my wonderful friends) can make a perfectly sad night end perfectly happily.

karaoke at the sports page. how I have missed you lately.

here is your dose of sad Robin poetry for the day. Don't judge me. I was in a bad mood earlier.
---
"questions" (or, a letter to god.)

I have about fifteen hundred questions to ask you.
like
are you really there?
were you watching me cry then too?
and how hard is too hard?
and how much is too much?
and when the night will finally end?
and why the sky is blue -
but I just keep hearing my own voice echoing.
(and are you really there?)

I spend my hours recounting tales from when I was so very young.
unique and special
different and creative
my parents were so proud.
(were you watching me cry then too?)

I feel stupid when I cry.
(and how hard is too hard?)

and nights when I lay in his arms
shaking from something I can't put my finger on -
fear, anger, disgust, (love?)
I forget about you.
(how much is too much?)

but nights when I'm all alone
and no other mice crawl on my walls
I hear your whispering
just so quiet that I can barely hear -
(when will the night finally end?)

so I keep walking down the streets
the hot air sticking to my skin through my clothes
and the freedom of summer fading slowly
the faces of buildings, signs, people
all begin to fade into one gigantic mass of gray
and I wonder to myself quietly
(why the sky is blue?)

answers?

----

GTC invades. I'm tired.
Sometimes I let that get to me.
I love you.

if only in my dreams.

2009-10-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

I want it to be Christmas more than anything.

I think it's because Christmas is my favorite time of year. Haha, actually I know that's why. I just love the whole season. I love the food. I love eating turkey and dressing and apple pies and I love going to Cracker Barrel and seeing the sparkly Christmas trees at the mall. I love twinkle lights and I love parties with pretty jazz music playing in the background. I love Secret Santa and I love Christmas specials on television (my favorite is of course the Charlie Brown Christmas =)) I love old Bing Crosby movies and baking eight million different confectionary treats. I love Christmas carrolling. I love Christmas date night with Chase. I love midnight mass. I love the way it feels when you wake up with your family and you just KNOW that it's Christmas. I love Christmas. In general.

I just need for it to be Christmas, and soon.
But I guess I'll get through the Halloween party season before I start preemtively celebrating before I get stressed for finals.

=)

the new underground.

2009-10-05T21:22:00.000-07:00

(title totally is just the name of the song stuck in my head... really has nothing to do with this blog.)

So life is excellent. The other day, a friend asked me how I was doing, and due to the fact that I've been reading way too much Wendy Wasserstein lately, I responded with "scholastically fulfilled, emotionally numb." To which they responded with, "what's wrong?" and I eventually had to explain that feeling numb and emotionless was pretty much all I could do at the moment, due to the fact that I am SO INTO MY DIRECTING CLASS RIGHT NOW. Okay, I know its the first scene and it hasn't even gone up yet, but I'm a little obsessed with it. A) I made a perfect score on my first ever directing analysis. B) I actually in a strange way LIKED doing the directing analysis... which turned out to be 27 pages long. Geez!! C) I really enjoy rehearsing the scene, and I think I'm doing a decent job of communicating with my actors. D) I'm genuinely EXCITED to put it up in front of the class. Nervous/excited, but excited nonetheless.

At first I thought I was being totally weird for finding such fulfillment from something like SCHOOL... but then I realized - isn't that supposed to be what I'm doing here? Am I not supposed to be taking the classes I actually want to take and learning things I want to learn?

Not that I don't love all my other theatre classes, but I'm just weirdly obsessed with directing at this moment.

Other things that are good in my life:

My friends are wonderful. I realized that even the ones that things have been rocky with during this year have led me to a place where I can be pretty happy.

I'm pretty comfortably single right now. I'm not all desperate and weepy and that's nice.

Halloween is coming up and I'm pretty excited. =)

Okay, I got burnt out on writing this blog, but life is good. I'm genuinely happy, and I'm grateful for that.

ode to my directing analysis.

2009-09-30T06:09:00.000-07:00

oh directing analysis oh directing analysis
I miss when I used to smile(ysis.)
oh directing analysis.

please give me back my life. (or at least an A)
Love, Robin.

strange new habits.

2009-09-29T15:48:00.000-07:00

here's a weird habit I've picked up lately:

I'm a generally happy person, anyone will tell you that. I mean, hell, I actually was dumped for being "too happy". But in general, I like to think that it's a good quality of mine. I tend to look on the bright side of things, I work hard, and I make things work.

I think it's being alone that's hard though. Because this is the most bizarre thing. Twice, literally twice, in the past week, I have started crying in the middle of a store when I was doing my compulsory shopping. What is going on with me?

I guess I know what's wrong. I'm just scared to admit it.

Really, everything is fine. I think my life sounds totally depressing if you just read my blog... but in reality my life is awesome. I'm stressed, but I'm doing pretty great. I just bury my emotions and sometimes have to get them out via blog.

did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

something to smile about!

2009-09-26T22:50:00.000-07:00

I have had two really good days the past two days.
I think it's rare that they happen in a row so it's totally worth documenting.

=)
Nothing special, really. Just two days of being happy with the life I have. Two days of working hard and seeing results. Two days of free ice cream, coloring books, cheap expensive food, strange rehearsing, and cutting loose. Thank you, ye gods out there. I really needed it.

"happiness is the secret to all beauty - there is no beauty that is attractive without happiness." - christian dior.

what a beautiful mess this is.

2009-09-20T14:18:00.001-07:00

I just realized I hadn't blogged in awhile. I'm not sure how I feel lately, I guess that's why. Things are emotionally weirdly difficult for me. I feel like I'm losing and gaining people, and I feel like I'm changing so much. The delicate balance that had been holding my life together on the hinge of a secret completely collapsed a few weeks ago. And now I'm sort of left standing in what's leftover from that. And I'm not really sure what that really is. It's hard to look yourself in the mirror and face all the problems that you would much rather ignore, but sometimes it's completely necessary. I don't think I'm being melodramatic by saying all of this either, I think it's just true. I can always cite when my life is sort of falling apart by the state which I keep my living area, and my apartment has been (for lack of better phrasing) an absolute disaster zone for the past few weeks. I've been sleeping before midnight, sort of just throwing on clothes without much thought, and I've been going through the motions just so I don't have to take the time to face down all of the stupid thoughts that haunt me while I'm trying to get to sleep (thank you advil PM.)

Usually I can put myself together by boiling my problems down to one thing too. "Oh it's because of this... blah blah blah" but really? I think that right now what's bothering me is far more complicated than it's ever been before.

I'm heartbroken. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm terrified of the future. I'm so very regretful.

And yet, everything is fine. I think it's incredible the way life has the ability to destroy you on a weekly basis completely and yet put you back together stitch by stitch. Sure, things blow completely. Sure, you've lost one of your favorite friendships. Sure, you fucked it up. But you know what? Life is FINE. And it goes on. And things change. And you'll be okay.

God. If I had known what life would be like right now last March? I seriously would not have believed myself. That's the incredible way of the world. You'd never guess what you'd really do. You'd never guess where you'd really go and who you'd really love. You'd never know. At all.

So maybe I'm heartbroken. But I'm independent too. And maybe I'm scared. But I really don't have much of a choice. Maybe I'm nervous! So what? I'm great. And maybe I'm terrified of the future - it will come anyway. And I will be fine. But being regretful? I have no idea.

Things are really fine. As per usual.

look into your heart and you'll find love.

2009-09-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

Here are the most positive things I can come up with to say about the past week or so:

The help you really need will come from the most unexpected places.
You can't always get what you want.
But in turn, what you want isn't always the right thing for you.
And in that vein, the love you want isn't always the love you deserve.
You really can't be sad while listening to any of these songs: "The Longest Time" by Billy Joel, "Send me on My Way" by Rusted Root, and "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz.

So I can't really say what's wrong online. It's a little too personal. Most of my life that I thought I wanted has gone down in flames, but I think I might actually be okay. So that's a step, I suppose.

so much better.

2009-09-06T23:16:00.001-07:00

I don't deserve to be treated like shit.

I know this is a chant that everyone recites to themselves when they're allowing themselves to be treated like shit. I KNOW THAT.

But really, genuinely. I deserve better. I came to this conclusion earlier when I went over to see my sister. She literally sat on her bed and told me that she OFTEN thinks about how much she hates how much shit happens to me with men (or something of that nature) and cried about it.

I couldn't handle it. It's like, hearing it from someone else made me feel like it wasn't a self-absorbed complaint. It wasn't just me blowing problems out of perspective and imagining that I am somehow not at fault. I really don't deserve half the shit I get.

I am a nice, pretty, genuinely sweet and caring person. Most of the people who don't like me don't like me for petty and professional reasons (and i don't mean to sound pretentious, but seriously? jealousy is no reason to give up a friendship. ever. you were probably never really friends with that person to begin with and it's probably good you're not a part of their lives anymore.)

And I think I just need someone to tell me to stop letting people shit on me before I realized that they were even doing it. Seriously?

I don't fucking deserve this. And anyone who treats me like that is just a big fucking pimple on the face of my awesome life. (thank you Laura.)

And I'm seriously ready to take some risks because in the end? I deserve better. I will have better.

And not in a cheesy- cliche- chick lit way.
In a real way.

slow dancing in a burning room.

2009-08-30T08:31:00.001-07:00

Fighting back anger last night because I essentially stayed up late to be completely ditched for whatever reason, I realized some things about myself.

1. I'm really impressionable. Must not give into demands of people, no matter how cute or charismatic they are.
2. I'm probably in over my head with my schoolwork this semester. Must stay on top of things.
3. I can run on about two hours of sleep. That doesn't mean I should.
4. I miss hanging out with Caleb. A lot. Probably more than I reasonably should. He was my best friend in Germany and I just miss talking to him.

I'm really worried about my friend Scott. In reality, I've been having a really emotional weekend but I honestly have no idea what I would do if something happened to him. I wish I could be visiting him today with everyone else, but I can't be. =(

wake up, it's morning.

2009-08-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

well, a little past 12 in the morning. but metaphorically.

Things are better than they have been in a long time.

Here are things I'm happy about:

Footloose! is pretty fun, so that's gravy. I'm meeting new people, making new connections, etc.
losing weight
finally being happy being single.
Rediscovering my passion for theatre. I'd been so caught up in my weird personal life that I almost forgot what I really loved.
NO SHAME writing meetings really bring me a lot of creative juices that I never thought I would get flowing!
dancing all the time =) endorphins make you happy!

Yeah, I don't have much to say. Life is back to the grind, but I'm pretty happy. I feel like I just came out from underneath this pile of sand and I'm suddenly awake and now art, and writing, and music, and theatre, and dance all seem new and beautiful again.

It's really very great.

the joy and the fear.

2009-08-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

I hate the stress of checking my email.

I'm not kidding - it literally makes my heart skip a little bit and I get a little sweaty just waiting for my stupid colstate.edu email to load. I think it's some subconscious belief that I'll receive some email that will inform me that everything I'm doing is all in vain. That I won't graduate on time, that I'm failing a class, that I owe them money, that they're kicking me out of school, YOU NAME IT. I have imagined it while waiting for my email to load. I'm not sure where that belief stems from, but I literally feel like that every time I check my email. Every. Time. (even in the summer when I know I won't be receiving anything!)

And thus starts a new academic year at CSU for me. It's funny, because in the past two years that I've been here in Columbus studying theatre, I've felt virtually the same. I look the same (Short red hair. Somewhere between 130 and 150 pounds. Huge boobs. Blue eyes. Big nose. Fun fashion.), I'm doing the same things, I'm pining after the same things, I'm just... the same. But you know what's weird? I feel really different this year.

I've been trying to take the past week or so to do some self-evaluation. This summer has been one of a lot of new experiences for me (not all of which have to do with being abroad.) I feel like I am just a richer person for going to Germany, for being friends with the people I'm friends with, for FINALLY finding forgiveness, for learning to be myself alone.

Getting to the point: I have totally different goals now. Other times I've always been hoping to meet someone who will sweep me off my feet, and hey - I've been swept! And then dropped. And honestly? I don't need it now! I don't need heartache - this is my time to shine! This is my time to dedicate to my art, this is my time to learn as much as I can. (Mind you, this is a conclusion I came to earlier today. I may get needy when that time of the month rolls around again!) I'm ready to just keep working on things.

And I am really excited about directing class specifically. I think it'll be something fresh and new for me to look at in theatre, and while I KNOW it's going to be a ton of work, I think I am ready for it!

Even though checking my email will still stress me out.

the story of my life. (or, moving on.)

2009-08-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to see him yesterday. I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy for him, to explain how badly I wanted to be friends with him, I didn't want that. I just wanted to continue living my life without seeing him ever.

But I had to see him. And I did. And I gave him my fake schpiel about how happy I was "blah blah blah" and he managed to insult me within three minutes of seeing him (unintentionally of course, he's a sweet guy underneath it all.) and managed to assume that anything I wanted to talk to him about was about his new relationship (which it really wasn't. I really wanted to talk about the future of OUR friendship and if there even was one.)

And I came to this conclusion - it's not going to change. He's not going to wake up one day and care about me as much as I cared about him.

And then I came to the next conclusion - I don't care about him as much as I used to. (this is the big one.) It's not that I don't want him to be happy, I just don't think that as a part of my life I need to be yearning for his approval anymore.

So yeah. I care about him, and he is my friend. But we're never going to be best friends. It will always be a little bit tainted with how he broke my heart and made me feel as though I wasn't good enough. And that's fine. I don't resent him, I don't want anything bad for him. I just know that I can move on with my life.

Finally.

I was down and I did not understand
Was afraid couldn't wash it off my hands
So I rose and I flew right from that place
Got my wish that I'll never be the same
Then I was alone
- Guster's "I'm Through"

----

Thus starts a new year. A new time, I suppose. I'm different. I'm happy again. Maybe I'm starting out the year as the only single girl in my apartment, maybe I'm feeling a little blue because I can never seem to keep a man interested very long. But you know what? That's FINE. I'm fine.

Because honestly? I would rather be alone than be the basketcase I was last semester. Truthfully, I was a total wreck. And I never want to spend another morning waking up in tears because I don't want to get out of bed or get dressed. I WANT to be happy. I want to choose what I do and who I hang out with.

And who knows? Someone might come along. Someone might stand up to the plate. But if they don't? I'll be fine. There are lots of really cool, happy, single people in the world.

And plus, hot sex with random strangers is still an option.... JUST KIDDING.

These are the thoughts on my mind, but only considering romance. Obviously there is other stuff going on as well.

Love you kids.

and the living is easy. (or, a retrospective look at my summer.)

2009-08-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

So I think I can count this as one of the best summers of my life. Really - while not everything may have been perfect, I have really had an awesome time. Just a quick review of all the wonderful things I've done/learned:

Fly Over Land! I can barely even feel like that was this summer. It just seems like ages ago now... it was a good experience. Very different, to say the least! But I loved everyone I was working with, so all is well in that department. Understudying is never as rewarding as actually having the part, but I did get to dance so that was excellent! =)
I moved into my new apartment! I have bills and things now... that's different. It's a weird "growing up" thing that I never thought would actually happen, but it has. It's strange.
I went to Saint Augustine with Anna! While that may not be the most "productive" or "life-changing" part of my summer, it was really very fun. I am really not very good at just relaxing and hanging out or vacationing at all, so it was good for me I think. Plus, I got to spend time with one of the people I rarely get to spend a lot of time with and we had a blast =)
Of course, need I mention that I got to go to four different countries this summer? Three of which I had never been to! Germany, the Netherlands, Belgium, and France! Exciting!
I got lost on the German railway system. Way to go me! Once alone and once with Caleb. I think it was scarier by myself though =P
I learned a lot this summer actually, in class. I was really not aware of how much Germany contributed to modern theatre and now I'm really very fascinated with a lot of it. Specifically, I would like to read more Brecht than I have and actually be able to analyze it in terms of what Epic Theatre is rather than just say "Oh I don't like this..." You know?
I also learned a lot about Beethoven... and I would just like to say that I love his music. Seriously, love.
I saw some crazy German Cirque-Du-Soleil type show with a pool and chandelier and strippers... what?!
I am pretty much completely over the idea of Brian altogether. It may have taken forever, but I finally am DONE being mad about it. It's nice to be able to forgive people and move on. Finally. Took me long enough, I suppose.
I got nine credit hours done this summer - GO ME.
I lost nine pounds. Hooray! I'm generally a lot healthier than I was, and hopefully since I am going to be dancing literally every single day for the next few weeks, I'll keep the weight off! (not to mention I've been eating TONS healthier, despite the ice cream of Konigswinter!)
Oh, I should probably mention this too - Footloose! I auditioned at the Springer and I got into a show that will be going up this fall. It's pretty awesome to me because I really was kind of getting into that grumpy not-in-a-show-so-the-world-is-a-horrible-place mode that I sometimes go into when it's been about a month or two since I've been onstage... Hah! True story.

In general, the summer has been great. I've learned a lot (not just academically - also things like "stay in groups at train stations!" and "learn to let it go" are very important) and I've worked a lot. Maybe it wasn't the summer I originally had planned, but it really was amazing. I have a lot to look forward to this coming year as well - so I guess my little life adventure goes on.

peace out girl scout.

don't you try to rain on my perfect day... (or one really obnoxiously positive blog.)

2009-08-04T22:02:00.000-07:00

I am in love with the scent of Suave Color Care Shampoo. No lie. It smells so good to me. I ended up buying it because I've dyed my hair, once again, to a darker shade of red. Of course it will probably fade back to its favorite shade - strawberry blonde - pretty quickly, but I have high hopes that with a little help from Suave, it'll stay a little longer.

So a lot of exciting things are on the verge right now... but at the same time, I'm so not looking forward to the start of semester.

I just don't want to be stressed out, is all =)

But guess what? I got cast in Footloose! at the Springer! How exciting! I'm happy because it means that I'll have rehearsals to go to in the evenings, and I'll have somewhere to be! And I'll be onstage! And I'll be doing my favorite things - singing and dancing! Hooray!

And also, assistant teaching tap class, taking directing, going back to acting class, and all of that.

Let's be real - I'm just ready to get back into theatre again. Hooray!

And I think that if something good in the "love life" department happens, then I'll be happy - but if it doesn't work out (which it very well may not. though it may!), I'll also be happy just to be me.
I love my life. Sometimes things are hard - money can be difficult. But in general, I am excited for my life. =)
Love you.

and don't you feel like coming home? (or, the last half of my Germany documentation)

2009-07-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

FORWARD: I totally got bad about keeping up with this. So forgive the dates and everything being all screwy. Or the lack of description lol.

15 July 2009

"Dang. I am so behind on this."

That is the phrase I just uttered to myself.

There are several days which I need to update about, including the cruise down the Rhine and our trip to Paris!

The first thing I really need to update about is the Rhine Cruise. It was, of course, picturesque and fabulous. The Rhine itself is a very beautiful river - but you SHOULD know that. We went a museum about the bridge that allowed the allies to enter Germany during WWII and then we went to the town of Linz. Linz is really pretty, but most notably (in my book) is home to the best street musician I have ever seen sitting under a bridge playing the violin!

All in all, a rather picturesque vision of Germany on that day.

The next thing I would love to update you about is our trip to PARIS. (Love!) Now, on my life to do list "spend more time in Paris" was there, which I mentally crossed off and added "spended even MORE time in Paris!" because I love it that much. It would be really lovely to actually be able to spend more time relaxing there though instead of having to see all the big monuments.

On the first day (Thursday), we got up pretty early and headed down to the tourist station. Here we got our rail passes (Paris has the best metro system ever), maps, figured out what we wanted to do, etc. Then we hopped on the metro (did I mention how freaking awesome the metro is?) and went to the Sacre Couer Basilica. Which was beautiful, of course. On the way up we noticed a lot of vendors selling little Eiffel Tower keychains, and little light up statues of the Eiffel Tower, etc. At this point, these men meant nothing to us, but they would soon become a huge part of our Parisian lives! However, on the way back down, we were BOMBARDED by a group of men from what I can only guess was Africa who mauled us, tied strings around Caroline and my fingers, proceeded to make a bracelet and then charged us a ridiculous amount. I ended up talking him out of the ten euro he wanted from me to just give him five and ran, but somehow they convinced poor Caroline I gave him eight so she gave him eight! Sigh. I'm out five euro... but it's a moderately good story, I suppose!

After that we hopped back on the metro (bomb!) and then we stopped by for literally maybe five minutes to take a picture of the Moulin Rouge. Haha. No lie, five minutes.

THEN We located the Paris Opera House. Now, this was an incredible experience! It was GORGEOUS for one thing, only four euro entrance fee to poke around, and there is so much history there! Incredible. Pictures to come, of course.

After that, we found the Musee D'Orsay and spent the afternoon getting lost in the works of art. I really enjoyed the Degas that was there, and I do always love museums. =)

The next day - we got up and had to check out of our first hotel. Then we went to Notre Dame (carrying all our things) Also beautiful. Outside of the cathedral there are gyspy beggar women everywhere that will ask you if you speak English (they prey on American tourists!) and then hold up a card that basically will tell you they're starving, etc. Now, this would be sad if only one of them did it, but since they seem to be a coalition. Seriously - at one point we saw them congregating in the streets. COALITION.

But really - the depravity of homelessness in Paris was just heartbreaking.

Well after the Notre Dame, we found a little cafe where we went for crepes. This is the part of the story where Caroline had a smackdown with a French waiter. I mean, WWF style. Just kidding. But there was a little tiff over the tip! Haha. It was actually a little scary but we got out of it.

Then we spent the day just hanging out. We strolled down the Champs Elysee. Then we went to the Eiffel Tower that night. Now - ironically we were all speaking in British dialect (since we thought it would get us better service haha) and we met some Americans who thought we WERE British. We talked to them for awhile too! Hah!

The view from atop the Eiffel Tower is incredible. I'm not going to lie, I was a little scared going on the way up, but it turned out alright in the end. In fact, it was incred! The lights of the city are gorgeous at night.

The next day was the day we spent at the Louvre. MY GOD THAT MUSEUM IS HUGE. We all split up in the morning when we got there and met up one more time and then met up when we were done. I was kind of moody all day, so it was lucky we were split up. However, I did get cheered up by this one thought - I realized how much HISTORY I was standing in. Not just the history of art but the history of HUMANITY. It was really an incredible realization. Sometimes I think I just get so excited to know that I'm a part of this huge long story that just keeps on going. Incredible.

"and then the surrealists said, 'no I'm melting!'" - Kate.

22 July 2009

I am literally the worst at logging things ever. Let's see - what have I done since I got back from Paris? A whole lot is what!

Well, we had an entire week of class for one thing. We went to go see a Variety show/Cabaret in Cologne too. It was interesting, but I felt like it was just a small community theatre thing. But at the same time - that's interesting to me because that's where I myself am at in life right now - community theatre. So that was pretty cool.

But the big thing that we did was that this past weekend we all went to Berlin. Well, I would say that we took the train to Berlin but in reality, THEY took a train to Berlin and I took a different train (or two trains...) to Berlin.

What had actually happened was that I got on the wrong train and went to Dusseldorf instead. Yes, you read that right. I got on the wrong train and went to Dusseldorf instead. WHAT? Luckily, I met up with them in the train station and we made it to the show on time.

Qi was really excellent! It was basically like Cirque du Soleil with... ice and a pool and chandaleir and... Germans. Haha. It was really good though!

I loved Berlin! We took an awesome free tour, and it was just so interesting with all the history about Berlin. They architecture there is also to die for. Though, I think I feel that way because it was just so effective. Things like the Jewish Museum or the Holocaust Memorial are just so damn effective.

We also went on a pub crawl in Berlin. too much fun!

27 July 2009

Happy Birthday Brian and Jamie!

"Hi I'm Mrs. Caroline Alt-Delete!" (pause) "But my husband's name would be Control and I don't know if I'd like that..."
- Caroline

ADDED AFTER I GOT HOME:

Well, after the weekend in Berlin we had yet another week of class, but on Thursday we (the theatre five and Kate) headed up to Ghent for the street theatre festival there. It was actually pretty awesome. There was a puppet show thing that was pretty cool, but what I really loved was this circus act we saw called "ComeBack". It was pretty awesome, no lie!

That night though was an adventure. We went to go find our hostel, but when we got the address we could not locate anything that looked like a hostel. We went back to the Marriot where Kate was staying and then we were in formed by the concierge that our hostel was in fact... on a boat. WHAT?! Haha, so we ended up staying on a boat hostel in Ghent. Pretty cool, but also pretty confusing.

And then the next day when we woke up, Caleb and I headed off to Brussels. I can't lie and say that this wasn't totally my favorite weekend of the trip. Essentially, we just wandered around the city, ate some tasty Thai food, discussed our new life plan for hours (I even came to accept it as reality for a little while hah.), ate in many parks, and read to eachother. It really was a lovely, relaxing weekend. (Oh, we also stayed at the Best Western - best part!)

And then we had finals (which went well) and I came home.

And here I am. I have so many mixed feelings about being home. Like, I'm happy. I'm happy to be able to use my phone again, to be able to talk to my friends, use the internet (without much difficulty), and to be in the south where everyone speaks to me in English, but there are a few things I miss: doner kebab! 70 cent ice cream, trains, spending my time with Caleb (that's just true. I miss him.), my new friends (especially Danielle!), the excitement of just BEING in Europe, being able to legally order alcoholic beverages.

Ah, but school starts back soon. So we shall see where my next adventure takes me. I'm pretty content with my life right now, truth be told, and I'm just hoping it lasts into the semester. I'm excited about assistant teaching tap class, auditioning for the spring (I just have a really good feeling! if nothing comes of it, then c'est la vie, but I just really feel good), directing class (I know it'll be hard work, but I'm still pumped!), getting back to acting class, and just getting back to working on theatre things in general. I'm excited to see my friends, to go to parties, and to have my entire shoe collection in my grasp again!

=) So that's that. Love you kids.

how I learned to just smile and nod. (or, a week's worth of Germany log)

2009-07-05T23:51:00.000-07:00

29 June 2009

Today was our first day of classes here in Germany. Let me say this first - our classroom? It's beautiful. It's the sun room in the "secret garden" (as I call it) here at the Adam-Stegerwald Haus. It's so bright and fresh and when you open the windows, it's nice and cool.

Did I mention that we don't actually have air conditioning? But that's alright, because it's not nearly as fucking hot as it is in Georgia.

My first class went well - I had to do a persentation but it was all good, you know! Phew! One down, four to go! Lunch was so tasty, as usual. I am literally obsessed with the food here at the Adam-Stegerwald Haus. It is so delicious at all meals! Especially breakfast! They always have Nutella and rolls and kiwi! So delicious! They actually apparently thought we didn't like the food here because we didn't eat very much and weren't as loud in comparison to other American student groups... they were concerned that we weren't being as goche and obnoxious and fat as Americans usually are? Strange! At either rate, I am moderately obsessed with the food here.

Then I had my second class. It also went really well! I'm excited about learning all this stuff, but I am worried about the amount of work. We are going on a lot of fun field trips though.

After lunch we had a meeting about the rail pass situation. Basically because we are too old we can't get the student passes, but the situation is going to work out. After that, I went to the grocery store, Kaiser's! What was really exciting about that was that I used my basic German phrases and I totally blended in with all the regular customers! I was super proud of myself, but I think when I went outside and was like "GUESS WHAT?!" I totally gave myself away.

I think that the Germans have a lot of ideas that Americans could benefit from. Like for instance - you have to go to the grocery store. You can walk there, for one thing. Everything is closer together, so they don't have to drive everywhere. When you get there, everything is so fresh. Things are only packaged so that they last for two or three days and then you come back. Not only that, but when you go to check out, you use a reusable bag. They don't automatically bag it for you either. They just assume you HAve your own reusable bag - and if you want to use a plastic bag you have to BUY one. And then you come back a few days later. I just think it's a valid way of doing things that would probably work so much better than driving to Walmart and shopping for the next month...

After dinner (which was also served to us by the delicious Adam-Stegerwald Haus!), we decided to hike up the Dracken Fels (Dragon Mountain!). Now, I didn't really comprehend what a real chore this was going to be. My hips are STILL feeling the hike up the mountain. But in the end - it was definitely worth it. We ended up all the way at the top and the view was incredible. Literally, I felt like I almost could not breathe. It was gorgeous, the mist over the Rheine settled in and it was just gorgeous. The hike down was easier, and we found where the public pool is - yay!

After that, we went for ice cream and I had something called "Speghetti Nutella", which is basically ice cream put through a speghetti maker that makes it look like speghetti and coated in Nutella for sauce! SO GOOD.

And now I plan on going to sleep early because we're headed in to Cologne tomorrow for a field trip to see a cathedral and a museum.

KORI-ISMS FOR THE DAY:
"My poor little coca-cola heart!"
"Well maybe they ran out of walls!"
"You look like a health nut... I look like a drug addict!"

30 June 2009

Today, I will just say - was incredible. Now I hate to admit that when Kate originally said we'd be touring a Cathedral and visiting a museum today I thought it might be moderately lame. But let's be real - it was totally awesome.

We started our morning off by taking the train into Koln (Which I will refer to as Cologne for English purposes... since it apparently has two versions of the name, haha.) and Shane and I had a little sing and dance along with my Zune on the train!

Here is another thing I think the Germans do a lot better than Americans - public transportation! JUST SAYING. The train is boss. It's better for the environment, and in general cheaper than having to buy gas all the time. But yeah, the train system is so well developed and so accessible! I really think that we should take a few looks at this stuff in our systems in America, you know?

I'm really into European society right now. I mean, the only thing I really don't like is my total inability to speak German! Haha, I try with my small phrases and I can blend in fairly well, but I think I would seriously move here if I was fluent, haha. Dr. Smith said I blend in with Europeans the way I dress too! I originally tried to tone down my clothing choices to come here, but as it turns out, I blend in on my own! Haha, amazing.

Well back to today's wonderous adventures! We went to the Cathedral this morning in Cologne. IT WAS LIKE A FREAKING MONOLITH. Seriously. It was huge! It was really impressive because it was built over like the past seven hundred years due to lack of funds, etc. Ironically, it was actually finally completed by Protestants - they thought the Gothic design was definitively German (even though it was actually French) so they wanted to finish it for a monument to the German nation, basically. Interesting right? I thought so. The windows were incredible and it contains what are supposedly the relics from the Magi who worshipped at the birth of Jesus. INSANE. I mean, it was so beautiful I could barely handle it.

After that, we went to McDonald's for lunch. Surprisingly, I felt a lot of anxiety while at McDonald's. I was worried about ordering in German (and I should have been! That poor man understood about 1/3 of what I said to him! I tried a little German and I think it helped, and he did actually get my order right, but I think it even stressed HIM out. Haha.) But yeah, we had German McDonald's, where you can apparently get beer (HAH!), but I just had a coke =)

After lunch, we went to the Wallraf das Museum (or for a later reference, the Wallraf). INCREDIBLE. The first exhibit featured medieval art, and I made my way all the way up through some more modern impressionism. I really wish I could have seen more of the musuem. HIGHLIGHTS: Seeing some of Durer's work (who I just did a presentation on yesterday!), seeing a freaking REMBRANDT!, seeing Monet, Degas, and Van Gogh. Seriously, it was abso-freaking-lutely incredible. You could literally see where these people whose names are household terms brushed their paints against the canvas. I don't know, it was overwhelmingly incredible as an experience. I just could not really even begin to comprehend how much of a mind-fuck it was! I was so happy. =)

Then we came back on the train and went out for dinner at an Italian restaraunt! It was super tasty and we stopped for a 70 cent ice cream cone on the way back to the hotel. Perfection!

ps. I think I might literally be addicted to Nutella. HELP!

01 July 2009

KATE-ISMS FOR THE DAY:
"I actually have ankles... instead of just trunks!"

03 July 2009

So I am back in my room at the Adam-Stegerwald Haus here in Konigswinter, Germany. But while that sounds like much of my Germany log - it hasn't been true for the past fourty eight hours or so. We took our first little weekend excursion to duh dun dun... AMSTERDAM!

Which I must say, was pretty cool. Stressful at times, confusing at times, but cool. Here are some highlights:

The morning we left we found out that in order for our Eurail passes to be valid, we had to stand in a line in Cologne to get them stamped. NOW, you may feel like this is common sense, but we were actually told otherwise at one point. We actually risked riding the train to Cologne without any sort of ticket or rail pass whatsoever. But we did actually make it. However, our layover was only about 22 minutes long. It took about 5 minutes to find the counter to get it validated, and all the lines were ludicrously long, and needless to mention, the workers were going at a ridiculously European pace (no offense, Europe - you guys just tend to leisurely do things!). Hah. Well, we ended up RUNNING and catching our train to Amsterdam by literally like 30 seconds before it started going.

Because we reserved our seats in advance, we got a really badass COMPARTMENT (wow!). Just thought that was worth noting.

We ended up going to the Van Gogh museum once we actually got to Amsterdam (yes, we were super losers and went to a million (a million being three) museums. no we did not smoke pot. haha!). The museum was incredible and I bought a couple of post card prints to commemorate =)

After that we went to dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe, which was decidedly American. In fact, I feel like Amsterdam is somewhat American. Like some strange hybrid of America and Europe. They'd probably be totally offended, the citizens of Amsterdam I mean, if they read this, but it's true. A lot of people there speak English and I feel like they capitalize on the fact that Americans eat everything up about their city.

But that being said, I really loved it. The city itself is gorgeous with all the canals running through it, its filled with history, and the shopping district? Can I just piss myself please? Haha, just kidding. I wouldn't piss myself, but I would like freak out about those amazing Marc Jacobs shoes I passed up!

MOVING ON. We played on a playground for a little while and fun was had for all ages!

Caleb, Kori, and Caroline went back to the hotel and Shane and I went in search for Coke. We ended up seeing a really cool break dance performance that we totally weren't expecting too.

Me, Kori, Shane, and Caroline all slept on a double bed. FUN. Haha, needless to say I'm grateful to have my own bed again. Even if it's just for a few nights until we head to Paris.

This morning, we woke up at the ass crack of dawn to go to the Anne Frank House. We originally wanted to buy tickets online so we could go in at a scheduled time, because the line can get SO LONG for the museum, but we came up with a plan to get there an hour before the museum opened (at eight, but we actually got there at seven forty five and were second in line!) so we could get in without the line-age into the day.

Okay, I knew it was going to be an emotional visit to the Anne Frank House. Like, that's obvious. But walking through the Secret Annex was actually so surreal. The pictures that Anne put on the wall are still there, and it's just so crazy to put yourself physically in a place that always seems so imaginary. There was a quote on the wall in the museum that I can't remember exactly what was said or who said it, but it was something to the extent of this: The reason that we all identify specifically with the sufferings of only Anne Frank is because she is only one person. If we truly tried to intake all the sufferings of the millions of men and women who suffered in the Holocaust, then we would not be able to survive it. I really think that it was an interesting, and totally true sentiment. At either rate, it was an incredible and very worthwhile experience. Making something totally unfathomable like the Holocaust totally and completely tangible is so utterly earth shaking.

Well. On another note, we did actually walk to the red light district. And yes, we saw a whore in the window. It was... interesting? Well, it actually just smelled like piss and I felt bad for the girl. We went during the day, so there were mostly tourists, so she was pretty much just getting oggled by a bunch of people who were just baffled by the concept of prostitution. Poor whore.

After that we went to the Rijksmuseum, which is just basically a big Dutch Art museum. We saw some of the works of Rembrandt and of Vermeer though! INCRED. Seriously. Haha.

After that, we had some of the most delicious Italian food that I have ever had in my life, then we had a traditional waffle! So very tasty! I am always so happy when I have good food!

Then we just hung out for awhile and went to hop on our next train!

We made it safely, phew! BUT. Once our train got to Dusseldorf, it was supposed to stop at Cologne next. There was first a fifteen minute delay in a town outside Dusseldorf and then they stopped the whole train in Dusseldorf and we had to find a DIFFERENT train. (Needless to say, this was very difficult because all announcements were made in German and then a very short translation to English that doesn't really even resemble English...) We did actually make it though. Thank God! It was really stressful. I didn't know what we would actually do if we were stuck in Dusseldorf. C'est la vie! We just did not have luck with our trains the whole trip!

But we did actually make it back, thank goodness. And I'm about to turn in. I'm meeting my mom's old best friend and her daughter tomorrow. Let's hope it's not hella awkward!

AMSTERDAMISMS:
"European hobos have got it SO GOOD!" - Caroline
"It ain't redic... to love the Netherlands!" - Caroline

"I'm so excited about passing the whore house again!"
"Why? So you can get a whore and lay in bed and have a good conversation?"
- Shane, then me.

Kori putting Shane's pens in the "right order".

Caroline waving the Netherlands flag and yelling.

4 July 2009

Happy Independence Day? I guess not. Since I'm in Germany, I won't be celebrating the birth of my nation, but I guess that's alright, considering the cirumstances. At least I am not celebrating for good reason.

Though I do wish I could have fried chicken. I think its the one thing I really crave more than anything - fried chicken. I am, in fact, very homesick for the entire concept of southern food. While German food is exquisite, nothing (and I really mean nothing) compares to southern food to me. Sigh, I guess I'll have to wait a few more weeks. C'est la vie!

So today was an interesting day for my Germany log. I went with Shane today to meet my mom's best childhood friend, Annette, and her family. It was actually really fun. At first I was terrified that it was going to be really awkward, especially because when she picked us up, she said she knew very little Enlish! AH! But she knew more English than she gave herself credit for, I think. And actually, they told us that they liked being able to practice on us. haha. I think by the end of day they were quite tired of working so hard to communicate though. Haha.

Well here is what we did: We drove to her house and ate some waffles for a snack with her daughter and husband (Hannah and Marcus). Then, when her older daughter, Judith, came home we all went with two of Judith's friends to Hellenthaal reserve.

The Hellenthaal reserve is apparently the oldest reserve in the world. Tres interesante. There were reindeer, eight million different birds of prey, sheep and goats, bunnies, horses, donkeys, and strangely enough, even ants were on display (are they foreign here? I need to find out.)! There was a bird show that was very interesting and I even took a picture with an eagle on my arm - fun times! After that, we all went to Schleiden, where my mom grew up.

After taking some pictures of the town, we took the Autobahn back to Cologne. OMG. SO FAST. SO JEALOUS. Just saying.

We ended up going to dinner at Beer Garden and it was so tasty. =) And then I came back to Konigswinter for the night.

Shane and I are going back into Cologne via train for the "Love Parade"/Gay Pride/"Saint Christopher's Street Day"... It should prove to be interesting. They say it's an excuse for people to get sloshed and act crazy. HM!

Fun moments of miscommunication:
"I too!"
"Now, they are in prison." (referencing the birds in captivity)

Love.

5 July 2009

Today was certainly an interesting day here in Germany. Back in May, during Fly Over Land, Shane asked me if I would attend the Pride parade in Cologne with him. I, of course, agreed. It was today.

Now, this parade (which has several different names: Pride Parade, Cologne Pride, The Love Parade (my favorite!), and Christopher Street Day) was everything you'd expect it to be.

Which pretty much means it was redic!

There were of course, a bazillion homosexuals everywhere. Lots of drag queens, lots of people in leather. There was actually even an incredibly NAKED girl who just sort of... was naked. I didn't really know how to react, to be honest. The parade was incredibly long, and for one of the first times since I've been here, I was not happy to report that I was not hot. It was super hot today, actually. I got some fun free stuff like a condom/lube packet! HAHA. Love it.

There was a lot of really unacceptable fashion out there today! Leather should not be worn as a clothing item other than a jacket, your belt, shoes, bag, or wallet. The following are unacceptable as leather clothing items: pants, hot pants, bras, shirts, collars, LEASHES (though I do not think these really count as clothing items - they sort of just appeared as such today).

After that we had some Pizza Hut where we had a PITCHER OF COKE. This sounds ridiculous to be so excited about, but here in Europe, there is no such thing as a free refill. Plus, I had been standing around for almost three hours in the heat. Delicious coke!

We also walked up and down the street and Shane bought some stuff like this cute magnet with a puppy on it for him and Joe that said "family", a present for the travel agent, and some cute new sunglasses. I'm trying to not spend any money, and I think my free condom counted as a souvenir enough. HAH!

Afterwards, I ate some icecream with Lee, Samuel, Byron, and Danielle and then I had some Turkish food for dinner with Ben. I also hung out with Leah and Emily for a really long time and just chit chatted! It was in general, a really good day.

Actually, a really good weekend. I just feel like I DID so much. It was insane. I'm pretty psyched for next weekend in Paris though. Hooray!

Love.

I need a bike and a dog. (or, Germany Log Parts 1 and 2)

2009-06-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

Here are two entries from my "Germany Log" from the first few days of being here:

---

26 June 2009

I am sitting here in Caleb and Shane's room at the Adam-Stegerwald Haus in Konigswinter, Germany. I'm pretty tired because we've had a full couple of days. On Wednesday, Mom and I drove up to Atlanta to go to the airport. There was no parking so she had to drop me off at the front of the airport instead of walking in with me and making sure I found the European Council people and got all checked in. So I had to do that all by myself! Oh my! Which, I guess accordingly I should be able to do all of that by the age of twenty, but it was still so stressful that I was almost shaking! At least I got the life experience. Yeah, that's right. Life experience! I guess I've been getting a lot of those lately...

So we sat around in the airport for quite some time and I got my fill in of text messaging for the next month or so. But we finally boarded the flight to Frankfurt around 5:45 and by 6:15 or so we were off! As Shane stated, "I got not only one but two meals and a whole selection of movies!" on the flight. So it wasn't too shabby. However, I (of course) could not sleep, so jet lag was really gonna be a heck of a good time!

Which it was. "Time Drunk" does not even begin to describe it. All day yesterday I was more than just "a little out of it". But that's okay! It was still really great to be in Germany and I'm really just very excited. We took a bus straight from the airport in Frankfurt to Konigswinter, where we are staying at the Adam-Stegerwald Haus. It's a hotel with twin size beds and a shower curtain that is my new best friend. There delicious food offered to us for certain meals during the day (they even had potato dumplings!) and there is a gorgeous garden that we can go sit in. It's really very quaint, as is the town of Konigswinter. =)

Basically there is a strip of stores you can go into, including a store for groceries as well as several convenience marts. Of course, there are also beer gardens, but I haven't actually been to on yet. I just get so tired walking down the street that I really just want some caffeine so I always get a coke! I will get some beer soon, I swear!

I was so jetlagged that I went to bed at 8:30 last night. Hilarious! But today I'm doing much better.

We got up early and had breakfast here at the Adam-Stegerwald Hous. It was so good! There were eggs and rolls with nutella! And coffee! c'est parfait! (maybe not quite the right language...) But at 10:00 AM we had a meeting and "survival guide" to Bonn. Basically they told us about the rail passes, etc and had us fill out a little bit of paperwork. After that we had a delicious lunch (once again, at the Adam-Stegerwalder Hous!) and then we took the train into Bonn.

I LOVE Bonn. Let me just say that! We took a walking tour that was exhausting, but it really seems like my kind of city. It's filled with tons of interesting history, good stores for shopping, a university, and plus - it sits right on the Rheine! So beautiful! We had dinner at a really tasty pizzaria and then we proceeded to talk around the city. Caleb accidentily left his camera (which was apparently very expensive) in the restaraunt though - so he and I ran back and hilariously enough, the man (who I'm pretty sure spoke very little German and mostly Italian!) just took us to the back and pulled it out of a cupboard. Caleb was, needless to say, very happy! We took the train back into Konigswinter and now here I am! We're taking a trip to Aachen tomorrow - here's hoping!

I really need to pick up some German. Hah! I can tell them I speak English. Oh and of course "please" and "thank you" and like "hello" and "I'm sorry." But (apparently I didn't bother to finish this entry into my log. I'm highly disappointed with myself.)

28 June 2009

Here I sit on my bed in the Adam-Stegerwald Haus, after yet another long day of adventuring into the countryside of Germany. I'm getting used to the language barrier, and I honestly think that if NOT for said language barrier, I would more than just want to live here. The public transportation is wonderful, the cities are beautiful and old and full of history but also they are modern and have all the modern conveniences of life.

Here are the four words I use to describe what I've been doing in Germany: eating, drinking, walking, sleeping. I guess that's what I do in the states, but I really do think that I've done an overabundance of that here! There is very little sitting around and playing on the computer, and there is very little unhealthy eating!

Although I sit here right now with a bag of gummi bears and a box of schocko-waffels behind me, they are the first real sweets I've had since I've been here. We eat very healthily here in Germany, and we walk almost everywhere. It's insane.

Yesterday, we took a bus into the city of Aachen. It's apparently the "city of water", where there is a million different very strange fountains. They are all utterly fascinating in their stories and they are very interesting, but none of them are just normal fountains! Hah! One of them supposedly had "healing powers" because of the sulfer content. I didn't taste it because hey - we have sulfer water in south Georgia! But Shane told me he thought I would like it because I love hard boiled eggs! Haha!

We had yet another guided tour. It was interesting, as always, and the tour guide was cute when he would say things like "I am going to give you two informations about this castle - the first information..." So adorable! After the tour we went out to lunch and I had some schnitzel and my first alcoholic beverage ever legally purchased. It was a really really strong sex on the beach. Hah! I was feeling it by the end of the meal but luckily I sobered up as we walked around a little more.

We rode back into Konigswinter and met up with a girl that Barbara knows, Manu. She is from Konigswinter and she thought it would be nice for us to see where we could go as young people. I went to two pubs with her and tried to the local beer as well as some local wine. I got a little tipsy yet again, but some pizza and conversation calmed me down quite a bit.

This morning we got up earlier than ever! We had to be on the bus at 8 so breakfast was at 7. After my morning of nutella and whole grain rolls, we hopped on a bus off to the Burg Eltz, or Eltz Castle. We toured that, and as always, I love castle tours. It was also cute when our tour guide said "wisit" in place of "visit"! And there is always a lovely view at castles!

After that we hopped BACK on the bus and ate some food on our way into Trier. Luckily, we didn't have another guided tour here (I am pretty sure we were all toured out by this point!). We actually found out that there was the remains of an old Roman amphitheatre in Trier, so we took the long walk to look for it: Kate, Shane, Kori, Caroline, Caleb, Julian (otherwise known as Dufus), and me. It was actually pretty hot on the walk, but in the end it was totally worth it. We got to the amphitheatre after about forty five minutes of walking. It was incredible. Seriously - I could have died right then. We paid the two euro to get into the theatre and as we entered it was already obvious how incredible the accoustics were. The ruins of where the audience used to sit were on the sides of the hills around us and there was just an incredible feeling of being CONNECTED to this place for me. Like I could imagine all of the things that used to take place there - gladiators and comedies and it was just incredible. We even went underground to where they used to hold the animals and such. It was just so cool. I would even go out on a limb to say it was cathartic. Incredible.

After that we went and sat down at a little cafe on the street. There was a festival going on in Trier today so it was quite lively. I had a coke and a glass of wine and we just sort of relaxed, which was really nice, actually. And then we walked back to the bus, rode home to Konigswinter, I fell asleep and now I'm here. Logging it all in on my computer. =)

Here's another thought: I think that in order to be truly happy in Germany, I would need a dog and a bike. There has been no other time when I missed my dog and my bike more.

COMING SOON: Classes begin, trips to Bonn, Cologne (including Gay Pride Parade!), and eventually a trip to Paris (where I'll actually speak the language!)

SHANEISMS FOR THE DAY:
"Not only did I get one, but two full meals on the airplane! And a whole list of movies!"
"I don't know if I can tell the difference between who is gay and who is just European..."

"do not want go in cave!" (or, how I learned to vacation.)

2009-06-17T18:42:00.000-07:00

So let's be pretty clear about this - I am really bad at relaxing. In general, there will always be a nagging thought in the back of my mind in ANY circumstance that just makes it (for lack of a better word) stressful for me.

These past few days have been incredibly surreal in this respect - I think I actually relaxed. I know, right? So let me sort of recap how wonderful it was!

On Saturday night, I spent the night at my childhood best friend, Anna's, and we got up early Sunday to leave for Florida! When we got there, we checked into our hotel and we started our wonderous Saint Augustine adventure, which included:

some yummy wine that we drank out of plastic princess goblets! (and some not-so-yummy merlot, but yeah!)
shopping in the historic district (with lots of trips to Kilwin's delicious ice cream - the one thing that Rob said I HAD to do while I was in Saint Augustine)
visiting the BEACH (my favorite!) I got a little bit of tan but we all know that my ginger skin is pale and peachy.
visiting the Saint Augustine Light House and climbing all the way to the top to discover that there is actually a guy that gets paid just to stand at the top of the light house. haha!
taking the scariest ghost tour of my life! possibly because I had some wine before I went on it, but also because they gave out EMF readers (creepy!), and they took you to many different locations (they even told a story that I had heard from someone who had lived there before!).
visiting the historic fort in town, of course. it was blazing hot, but that's what happens when you put two history nerds on vacation together! I even ventured into the terrifying dungeon, and fled the scene immediately when I realized - DO NOT WANT GO IN CAVE! Haha!
MORE shopping on the historic street, followed by a nap after we got sprayed with rain and a truck drove through a puddle right next to us, ala a bad day movie montage ("why don't we down some wine and take a nap? we'll see how this goes...")
We went to one of the best meals of my life at the Santa Maria restaurant where I had the Mahi Mahi, and Anna had a cocktail called "Bermuda Blue" (which was really more green than blue).
We went outlet shopping and I didn't actually buy anything but FOOD. I'm super proud of myself for this fact because lately I've realized what a shopaholic I really am.

Well, I'm starting the fashion blog hopefully tonight, and I'm leaving for Germany really soon, so all is well in Robinland for the most part. I continue my decision NOT to decide (in reference to the men situation) and I continue my life of being fabulous.

peace. love you kids.

the most wonderful fairytale. (a tale of sarcasm, fashion, and enlightenment.)

2009-06-12T19:32:00.000-07:00

This blog is in many different sections.
---
on the road again...
...or not.

My life, let's just face it - cannot be simple or easy. Especially when it comes to cars. Automotive vehicles and I have always had a rocky relationship. From day one when I almost tipped a golf cart into my neighbor's yards multiple times, to when I got into my first car wreck three days after I got my license, to breaking down in the middle of the intersection of 11th Street and Veterans Parkway in Columbus (and subsequently three more times in the next two weeks) - I am a car killer.

It's purely unintentional, but I can no longer ignore my rocky relationship with motor vehicles.

Today is just another example. I'm driving home from Columbus and I've made it to Atlanta. I'm nearing the most stressful part of my adventure - merging onto a highway with about six lanes even with a working car is difficult for me! But seeing how when I got to the middle lane my car completely stopped running, I think it was a little extra difficult today. HAH.

Luckily for me, a kind preacher-like gentleman and what looked like a crazy ex-hippy arrived to my rescue and pushed my poor Professor off to the shoulder. I called my dad, and since the car was starting but just would not idle, I managed to get it to a gas station by just never taking my foot off the gas - which ended up being the way I got my car all the way back to Augusta. Driving with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brakes all the way home. But before this solution came along, I had to be harassed a little bit more by the fates....

...or by some crazy old homeless woman. Said homeless woman sized up me from a foot away AND my car as though she were looking at her new home! I know my car is a peice of crap, but it's not a new shelter from the drunk and underpriveledged! (Not that I have anything against the homeless, I just would rather they not try to take my car!)

So I am finally home, and I'm ready to get to the beach on Sunday! And despite the difficulties in our relationship, I think I'll actually keep driving.

--
...a Prada purse has never broke my heart before.
(and let's be real - my obsession for Betseyville is getting a little sick. two new bags and a pair of sunglasses? shopping-gasm.)

Up and coming! I have had a little idea bunny that has planted itself in my brain lately - ever since I met a woman at Joann Crafts who complimented my ensemble and told me this statement: "I always lived on the straight and narrow of fashion. Now I wish that I had been more like you and had taken a chance and actually expressed myself with my clothes." And I have been thinking it would be fun to start a blog about fashion and all the ideas I have and things I find. Although, I haven't had any ideas for a title for it. It should go something like this: "CATCHY TITLE: Fashion OFF The Straight and Narrow" (thank you random woman at Joann!). I am even thinking of having other people authorized to post on it so it wouldn't just be me - and my friends could blog too! I don't know. Maybe I'm being super nerdy but I really like it as an idea. Let me know if you can think of a title because I really want something good! (Or if you want to help me with it and post stuff!)

--
there's no need to complicate - 'cause our time is short.

Also, I've decided to not make any sort of decision. That is, about my "love life". (I'm not sure if you can really call it that, because really I'm not WITH anyone, I just talk to people and I flirt a lot, but I feel like I should only like one person at a time for some reason.) As I'm not committed to liking any one person, I'm going to decide NOT to decide. I will just GO WITH THE FLOW. That's my new mantra on that situation: go with the flow. If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. If it's not, then it's not. At least I don't feel totally undesirable lately.

--
"life itself is the most wonderful fairytale." - hans christian anderson.

I'm really excited about Germany. For real, I think it will be such an adventure. But I'm also excited about heading to the beach with Anna this week. I have never been on a trip with her before, and I absolutely adore the beach. It will be like a real vacation! But let's be real - I am so grateful for my life. Even if my car is a peice of shit, even if I'm not in love, even if I can't make a real decision, even if I'm a total fashion-obsessed shopaholic, even if I'm a huge mess.

As I was driving back home today, foot pushing down on the gas continuously, it started to rain, and just as quickly it let up - and through my Betsey Johnson sunglasses, I saw the most beautiful rainbow in front of me. And I knew that my day wasn't complete and utter shit anymore. That there was at least something beautiful for me to look at.

I'm so grateful for the adventure that is my life. Love you kids. Enjoy the world - it's worth it.

a blog dedicated to Brittain White.

2009-06-10T21:35:00.000-07:00

a conversation on facebook IM:

Robin
how you pretty?

Brittain
i;m good. just got back from the opening night part
u
party
how you

Robin
you drink? lol

Brittain
i drank but am not drunk
just can't type

---
and this is why I love Brittain White. [=

Things are alright right now I suppose. I think I'm just in general confused about what I want out of my "love life". I just never feel like I actually have a love life and then when I realize I do I'm like "?"

I saw My Life in Ruins today with Cassie. It was super chick flicky but exactly what I needed. Cheesy and wonderful and filled with Greek ruins! Also, I have been making feather headbands lately that are all really obnoxiously cute. I think I may just make a bunch and give a few away but mostly just keep them for myself to make a statement [=

The next few weeks have a lot in store getting ready for Germany, and if I'm lucky I'll get it all done! [= I love you guys - there's not much to update about but I just had to dedicate my blog to Brittain!

open up your plans - and damn! you're free.

2009-06-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

Relax? What is this?

So basically between now and June 24th:

I have to write an ass-ton of papers. Seriously, a LOT of scholastic things will be going down on this computer...
I plan on laying out.
I need to buy a suitable purse for Germany.
I need to pack.

But on another note:
I'm going to make feather headbands today! Which is exciting, because I haven't felt crafty in awhile, and I really think they will be super cute.
I'm going to Saint Augustine on the 14th-17th with Anna!
I get to relax a bit.

I'm so crushing. But in all honesty - and I hate to write things online - things will work out for the best. <3

tell me - where do I go?

2009-06-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

Things are really quite good lately. I have money for once in my life, I have my cat, I have my apartment (I'm not sure if I mentioned how much I love said apartment, but living off campus is wonderful, relaxing, and all those "home" things that you always wanted!), flirtation is fun, I'm happy scholastically and theatrically - in general, I can't really complain much about life. Except that I wish dishes would do themselves!

I've been thinking a lot about my future recently. I've been working so diligently for the past two years just to make a name for myself here at CSU, but I really want to start branching out to other theatres in the area (this is a large part of why I auditioned at the Springer, and I'm still keeping my fingers crossed about that!).

Also, on that vein of thought, I really am thinking it would be cheating myself out of something not to look into studying dance more - choreography is really something I want to get into. However, I'm not really built to be a professional dancer, so finding a school to study at will be difficult, I think. This is just a random thought I've been nursing lately. I have two more years before I graduate. [=

love you kids.
ps. get your hands on a copy of the new recording of HAIR. Immediately.

painting.

2009-05-31T14:22:00.000-07:00

dabs of paint on canvas
yellows blues and greens
pushing against the course grains with the heel of my hand
and blending them together

you never let go of your brush
single straight lines of black run with the gridlike textures
while my paint falls so delicately with the water
none of my colors blurring into one

you suffocate me with your perfection.
let it go. let it go. let it go.
there's nothing out of place with you -
but for me.

but I'm not on your canvas anymore
colors discarded to the side for your perfect sketches
maybe it's perfect
but it isn't art.

(31 May 2009)

I'm having a really relaxing day. In fact, I am just wearing cheerleading shorts and lazing around my house. I really shouldn't bother writing poetry, but phrases sort of blend together in my head and I think it's the best way to describe the way I feel right now.

I remembered.

2009-05-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

There never was a mood of mine,
Gay or heart-broken, luminous or dull,
But you could ease me of its fever
And give it back to me more beautiful.

In many another soul I broke the bread,
And drank the wine and played the happy guest,
But I was lonely, I remembered you;
The heart belongs to him who knew it best.

- "I Remembered" by Sara Teasdale

This is all I will say: I am filled with gratitude that this summer will be spent so very far away from all of this.

It's just really bad when you remember how easily you fit together - and your heart breaks just a little bit more, as though you had never put it back together in the first place.

I cannot wait for my life to begin. I cannot wait to not be reminded of you every single day. I cannot wait to forget.

I spend every day reconfiguring my senses.

2009-05-28T15:17:00.001-07:00

I didn't know the rules do not apply.
and then he smiles and nothing else makes sense.

god, here we go again. I'm pretty sure my behavior is bad for my emotional health. other than this factor, my life is going fairly well. Oh, and my car is in the shop right now. Other than those two factors, I really feel like I want to just be lazy and read and be happy and content with myself.

I think this year has changed a lot in me. I am not always on the edge of having some social breakdown (though I won't lie to myself and say they never happen), I've lost friends who I never thought I would, but I strengthened friendships, harbored new ones, dated people I would never expect myself to, developed a crush on a guy friend (ahem, now) that I really would have never expected from me. I think that it's been interesting. I feel more mature, more goal oriented, more... I don't know, I like myself more, I guess.

Yeah, that's it. I'm glad about that. Fly Over Land goes up next weekend, and then Germany time! A lot of exciting things are happening in my life right now. But I think that's the way it's supposed to be when you're young.

it never ceases to amaze her that he can even make her heart skip a small beat, let alone start to pound in her chest. but it also never ceases to get old.

confession number one: shopaholism.

2009-05-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

Imagine this: It won't stop raining, your hair is frizzed out to nowheresville. there's nothing to be done about the fact that your eyeliner smudged this morning because of the humidity, and your car hasn't worked in a week. everytime you feel like things have turned right again, something else goes wrong!

what do you do?

drink heavily? nah, that's too much bodily damage for a temporary problem. plus, then you might get stained as an alcoholic. go to sleep? where's the fun in that? cry? oh no, I am not messing up my makeup even MORE!

Shop.

There is nothing like the warm feeling of the florescent lights as you enter a store. The calming effect of the music is hard to ignore too. You browse through the aisles mindlessly and as you peruse the items, you mentally check in a reason that you could purchase any one of them. And finally, you find it.

The perfect selection. It's a mental high. You know exactly how you'll incorporate this new and exciting item into your lifestyle. You have plans for its lifetime with you - it's going to be perfect!

And then comes check out. It's especially poignant if you're using a card to make your purchases, it almost seems like nothing has even happened, you've just found something new for your life! Nothing can compare to the way you feel when you walk out of that store, clutching your purchases as if they were your only chance at happiness.

(and sometimes they are.)

I bought a new CHI straightening iron today. it was a little ridiculous.

summertime.

2009-05-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

and the living is easy.

It's been raining for the past few weeks. It's strange, but I never remember much rain growing up. (Well, that's explainable because we've been in drought for as long as I can remember, but you know) I always remember summer being days on end of running and playing and building tee-pees out of pinestraw and fallen trees in the woods. I remember just the blazing summer sun causing my skin to glisten and sweat to form at the edge of my strawberry hair.

I remember countless numbers of plastic bag popsicles and strawberries with sugar for dessert with my family.

I remember the way that I felt so very carefree - and it seemed like summer could last forever. Days of swimming and never worrying about what my hair actually looked like.

Damn, that was a good time.

This summer is so very different. I'm worried about making the rent and paying bills, and I'm going abroad and I'm doing a show (which, in comparison to my childhood summers, doesn't surprise me, considering that I used to make fake talent shows in my back yard!) Life is so different.

(this blog was originally going to be about eating and overweight children because of this episode of Tyra I watched, but I think this is more poignant and more relevant to my life as of now.)

---

He's handsome in a way that no one else really is. She is all coy smiles and misplaced laughs and biting her lip. The mixture is almost too dangerous to the taste for them. (Scene 4, before the first kiss.)

life.

2009-05-24T21:38:00.000-07:00

I have a cat. I know it's so retarded cat-lady of me, but the ability to snuggle with Hepcat brings me a lot of joy [= Even if I can't decide on a definite position for the litter box... He is so huggly snuggly that I know I can always love on him!

Lately I am in a shoe funk! I have been wearing cowboy boots and moccasins every day and I need to stop it! So I keep trying to wear heels instead [= or flats. or something OTHER than moccasins and cowboy boots.

I was in a weird mood this morning - and I'm honestly much better than I made myself out to be in my last blog. I am pretty much moved on and I like someone else, I promise. Crazy, but I go through these weird "I'm not quite over it" phases and I just can't shake them off. The day was really good today though and I am really very happy.

I've been trying to think of something poetic to write about in my blog lately, instead of just blahdeblahing about my life, but I think that's what a blog is for, either writing something interesting about your perspective or just talking about your life. So I think it's a "talk about my life" stage right now.

"Life isn’t divided into genres. It’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky."
Alan Moore

remembering.

2009-05-24T07:59:00.001-07:00

I miss the way you used to make me smile without any thought - instead of the way you make me half-way cry now.

that's all.

I'm really quite happy, I promise. I just miss that.

smiling.

2009-05-23T12:20:00.000-07:00

I'm happy. [=

maymester is weird. I went on ONE date with a guy and everyone is like freaking out... one date! it's cool, guys. haha. don't freak out! that's allowed to happen, you know! haha. oh well!

I love my apartment! furniture arrives tomorrow, along with my cat, Hepcat!
and my car will get fixed!
hooray!

on the downside, brittain left today =[ sad times.

there is a really long list of people who I wish were with me in columbus right now, but they're not. Fly Over Land is going pretty well, I suppose. I'm happy about that.

There's not much to update about, life is slow. But I am really, genuinely doing well.

the truth.

2009-05-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

I have three words for you that sum up how I feel about my "men" situation:

IT'S. THE. BANGS.

rebirth.

2009-05-19T17:56:00.000-07:00

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Things are really good right now. Obviously, not everything is perfect, but I do thank God for these brief days of joy.

I've moved into my new apartment with Janine and Brittain. We pay bills like real people now. There's a pool available to me at any time I want it (though it's been eerily cold the past two days...) and I finally have my own room! Basically, I adore it. I can't wait until my parents come into town this weekend because a few things will happen then:

I will get furniture! YAY.
I will get to see my family!
My dad will fix my car!

Haha, hooray! Did I mention that my car broke down? YEAH IT DID. Oh well, I think there is too much good going on to let a few crappy things bring me down. I'm taking a really easy class and I'm in Fly Over Land too. And let me just say - I'm really loving working on the show. I know I've only been to two rehearsals but I really like the focus on things like viewpoints, etc. PLUS the script itself and the designs are seriously kickass! YAY

Also, I am so so so very over you. And this time I'm not writing it just to make myself feel better.

I feel like I'm walking around with a warm little secret. My heart feels warm and I feel more open than I have in months. And I kind of like that.

growth.

2009-05-13T19:04:00.000-07:00

There is a tree in my back yard - it's much smaller than the other trees, but it's branches are growing. It's roots are firm and it's leaves shade its small section of the ground just as well as the bigger trees. I've always known about this tree - hell, I planted it. But yesterday afternoon, when I was out "playing pine cone" with my dog, Crystal, it caught my eye once more. As I dutifully flung the slobber covered pine cone for my dog to loyally run and find, my eye drifted from my book to the tree - planted adjacent to the small vegetable garden my sisters and I had tended in our youth (now overgrown with weeds and firewood).

Now you're probably wondering why I'm blogging about some tree. I'll get to that soon.

I remember that tree - carrying it out of my elementary school haphazardly on Arbor Day towards my mom with the rest of the car riders (these were the days before I became a latch-key kid like the rest of my neighbors, or even understood the concept of riding the bus). At either rate, I remember toddling home with said tree and planting it where it now stands. I don't remember much of the actual planting process - when it happened in relation to my mother picking me up from school that day, whether or not I planted it or my mother did, or really anything about it - I could fabricate some sappy story about how we planted it together or BLAH BLAH BLAH, but in truth, I (like most people who are actually coming into adulthood) don't remember much other than playing with caterpillars and coloring from kindergarten. (And even those memories are more like a blurry montage set to some kind of happy classical music)

But what I remember most about that tree is this. I carried it out of the school. My grubby little three foot something hands carried that tree out of the doors of my elementary school. Now, that tree is twice as tall as me.

I have changed so much in my lifetime. From being that cute little shy girl in elementary school, to my awkward anger at the world during middle school, through my rockabilly phase, my eighties phase, high school, college - everything. I don't think words can ever accurate describe the ever changing chameleon nature of the human condition, and I (like everyone else in the world) am a perfect example of this.

But I have spent my entire life here, in this house. While I have dealt with my parents' move as best I can, and I really am okay with it, it's just strange to think that I will probably never come back here for a long stay again. I guess my life is moving on, and I've known that for two years now. But I guess I always thought I'd be able to come back here. Sit my ass in this living room, sleep til noon on my futon, and look at that stupid tree without a second thought.

But that's not really an option for me anymore. Life is taking me on a new adventure, and I am completely different than I was.

I lay on my stomach on the swing that my father built for my mother reading the book that India lent me, dutifully throwing that pine cone back and forth for my goofy little dog and I smiled.

I am not the only one who's changed here.

<3 Back to Columbus tomorrow.

let it go.

2009-05-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

Reading this passage of Eat. Pray. Love. by Elizabeth Gilbert could not have happened at a better or more relevant time for me:

"But I love him."
"So love him."
"But I miss him."
"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed of. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."
"But I wish me and David could -"
He cuts me off. "See, now that's your problem you're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be." (Page 150)

Of course, replace all the names with relevant names from my life, but you get the picture.

Seriously, why can't someone sit me down and say these things to me? Thank you, India, for letting me borrow this book.

Also, my Dove chocolate (I admit, I have an addiction. I literally eat chocolate every single day.) told me: "Create peace for yourself"

Why is it that the universe did not align itself with good advice for me a few months ago?
It's so nice to be home - and I think once this week of detox is over, I'll be ready to start anew in Columbusland. Please - let the calmness and inner peace carry over the miles to Columbus so that the Summer of Love can begin. <3

the sky is yours.

2009-05-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

So I was driving down the road today on my way back to Augusta for a week of relaxation with my family, the windows rolled down, tuned into Star 94 (which I learned from a billboard was the Top 40 station in Atlanta), with "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz coming in and out (I think there's something wrong with my antennae), windows rolled down, shoes off, sun roof cranked open (yes, cranked. there is an actual crank.), and I realized something.

I was genuinely happy. Alone, in my stupid just-glad-it-runs car, with music that I love (even if it kept fading out) and the warm sun beaming down on me - I was happy.

I always find it strange when I feel like I'm in a state of my life when I can't seem to find a way out and something like this happens. I feel like everywhere I turn there is someone waiting to tell me something else that I won't be able to handle and that will break me down again - and there is always a moment of pure bliss of simplicity that reminds me that this is ME. This is Robin, who takes pleasure in throwing a peace sign out of her sun roof in the hot summer air (since my air conditioning is unpredictable). This is Robin, who loves the lake and sleeping late and painting and singing with the radio - This is me. And for a few minutes I was just purely happy with my life and I was at peace with God. I have been so angry lately, and I don't usually get angry (let's be real). With the loss of Rea, the pressure of school, the betrayal I was feeling from so many sides - my quiet anger with the world was becoming a scream very quickly. And lately I've been trying to find my peace again - and there it was. It was just such a perfect, peaceful, totally just "me on my own being myself" moment. It was wonderful. God, I really needed that.

I was talking to India last night about all the crazy things I do sometimes (like riding the elevator for twenty minutes or playing in the fountains by myself just because it's what I WANT to do) and she said something along the lines that it was fine because it meant that I was comfortable enough with being alone to just spend time with myself. And I had never thought of it that way. I always viewed my strange antisocial tendencies that I've started to develop this year as kind of bizarre, and maybe just my weird way of expressing my discontent for my life. Like I used to want to spend every waking moment of my life around other people during my freshman year and even at the beginning of this year, but lately it's just been a lot of "me time". I think that her saying that has really given me a different perspective on the way I behave, as for the past few weeks I've been feeling like it hasn't been such a good thing to spend so much time alone - but now I can look at it as that I'm comfortable enough with myself to hang out with just me. [=

It's really nice to be home, in a weird way. Like usually there's this "I don't know what to do with my time" aching of almost-boredom, but I'll only be here for a week so I think it's going to be an interesting experience. I got to hang out and talk to Laura some earlier, and I always forget how much I miss her. <3

Here are my rules and goals for life right now:

If I can't fix a problem with someone and I can't bring myself to forgive them, I'm just going to avoid them until forgiveness comes. I know myself, and I know it will one day arrive, but at this point - I'm so hurt by some people that I don't even want apologies from them. I just want the pain to fade away and I know that I will forgive them eventually.
I'm not going to torture myself if I want to spend some "me time" and I'm just going to think of it as "hanging out with myself".
I'm going to be more open to the idea of dating people, because I think I've once again closed myself off because of all the hurt that's happened this semester. I think it's time that I realize that I have something in me that's worthwhile. And I need to remind myself of that.

I love you guys, and I'm so glad the Satan Semester is over. Though I will miss everyone in Columbus who won't be with me over the summer, I'm grateful for the reprieve. I'm excited about Fly Over Land.

Also good: I lost eight pounds. Woo!

Life is good. I need to remember that when times get hard. Life is good.

open up your mind and see like me -
open up your plans, and damn! you're free.
look into your heart and you'll find the sky is yours!
♥

Today.

2009-05-07T09:18:00.000-07:00

Today is going to be a wonderful day.

I'm super excited about my activity.

I'm really excited about dance extravaganza.

Basically, I choose to make today a better day.

Because I only have so many left, and why waste them on being sad?

Love you kids, for real.