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in which I resolve.

I frequently find myself making the same New Years Resolutions - lose weight, drink more water, etc....

But this year, I've done a lot of thinking about things that I really want to do with my life that require a change. A big part of that is giving myself a MONEY MAKEOVER. (Yep. I said it.) I'm not excruciatingly good at managing my money. I never have been. A card to me is like a magic piece of plastic that gets me stuff I want. (The most unhealthy thought I've ever had.) So here are a couple of steps that I'm taking for my money problems.

1. I'm going to start using Microsoft Money. Yeah, I'm actually going to keep track of my spending. I'm pretty sure it'll actually keep me in check with how much money I've spent, instead of a bunch of vagueish mental math that I'm never quite correct on.
2. I'm going to open a savings account. I'm going to make frequent deposits. I'm not going to touch it. I'm going to call it "The Don't End Up Living At Your Parents' For the Next Ten Years" fund.

Other resolutions that I have made:
1. To read the newspaper at least three times a week. Or at least, the front page section. I think that being at least a little informed as to what's going on in the world can be very important. My American Government class taught me that I knew so very little about what has been going on in American politics since I entered college, and I'm hoping that reading the paper will be my first step in becoming an informed citizen. (Yep. I said it. NOW how stodgy do I sound?)
2. To read a book at the very least, once a month. A BOOK, not a magazine, not a play. Now, this is a hard one for me, because I have a hard time justifying reading anything other than plays as a "waste of time" in comparison to reading something that benefits my career... however - I love reading. and I think it's healthy to spend a certain amount of time doing something that's just for me.
3. Go back to meditating. Enough said. I used to rave about how wonderful I felt and how focused and powerful I felt when I was meditating daily, so I'm really rather disappointed in myself for stopping.
4. Get over my completely irrational fears. The first one I'm going to tackle is the Muppet Christmas Carol. Ferris wheels whenever I can find one.

Happy New Year. Hope your resolutions go well!

in which I review.

Oh! 2010! How you've escaped me!//Wow. What a year. 2010 has been by far, a year of self-discovery. Here is a little peek back into the past, since I really was atrocious at keeping up with my blog.

What I did//I started working out regularly. I was in a musical for the first time since high school. I danced. A lot. Crazy for You came and went. I directed my first ever full show complete with auditions and designers. I was a dirty mistress. I kissed the one man who has meant the most to me in my whole life. I lost him, too. I became a college senior. I had a million and one asthma attacks. I went swimming in the Chattahoochee River. I went to my first wedding as an adult person. I finished my Meisner training. I had a scandalous single girl summer. my apartment became "The Leaky Cauldron". I went on tour, and I had an amazing time. I started rehearsing a really exciting new project. I read a lot of Shakespeare. I bowled. I turned twenty two, which seems a lot older than twenty one. I bought my own airline ticket and flew to see a man alone, which seems rather adultlike, if you ask me. I met my new best friend, Sir Percival Corndog. I had a smaller, yet happier Christmas than usual. I spent a longer time home than I have in awhile, and I was happy.

Where I went//North Carolina, a lot. Houston, Texas, for my grandfather's funeral. All over the South West Georgia/East Alabama area. In a tour van. With three handsome, funny guys. Be jealous. We entertained children. Columbus, Ohio. Raleigh, to see the Nutcracker. Atlanta, frequently. Augusta, but only at the beginning of the year.

New Years Resolution: Travel more!

Music I Really Dug//Matt & Kim, Emiliana Torrini, The Love Themes from Love Actually, Sunday in the Park with George, "California Girls", that "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes..." song, I don't know what it's called, Ceelo Green's "Fuck You" changed my life. I had an intimate affair with the "Aim and Ignite" album by Fun. Guster and the Beatles and Rilo Kiley. It never changes.

Movies that Rocked my World//Inception. Black Swan. I loved the new Narnia movie, but that's my Narnia obsessed self. HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS. The Lovely Bones was trip-city. Sex and the City 2 was ridiculous, but wonderful. I finally watched Carrie and Psycho at Halloween, and I loved them both.

Books and Plays that Made Me Happy//Love is a Mixtape. The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The million times I have re-read every Harry Potter book (always.). Ironically enough, Asleep on the Wind. Directing it and feeling like I lived in a tree filled with stars (some of us are just that lucky.). The Caucasian Chalk Circle. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I just finished The Magicians by Lev Grossman, so that could be on this list too.

Things I'm Looking Forward To in 2011//Watching Percival Grow. Finishing school, finally. My senior project, "In Dreams/Nightmares" premiering, and feeling that complete feeling of creating something... I hope. The next installment of the Harry Potter movie! Moving away from the armpit of the world, Columbus, GA. The excitement of moving... in general. The job hunt, which I'm sure will be long and terrible. The many adventures to come. =)

Life is good, it just depends on how you look at it.

send me on my way.

It's a really strange thought - in about six months, I am going to be a college graduate. I am going to have a degree. It's been an amazing three and a half years thus far, and I'm sure my final semester is going to be awesome too... but it's hard for me to not be a little excited about not being in school anymore.

There was a point where I really wanted to go to grad school right after my undergrad - but I honestly don't think I do anymore. This is going to sound awful, as academic as I am, and as much as I get sick pleasure out of writing papers and doing school work, but I am incredibly burnt out on school. I am constantly feeling exhausted of being POOR (because I literally have no time to work between papers, shows, etc), and feeling like I'm jumping through hoops. While I am sure that graduate studies are in my future (like I said before, the lure of making an A is too appealing to me..), I'm also sure that I need to go take some time, move to a city center, audition, and try to get some acting work (while probably working a survival job...).

I'm home for the holidays right now, and watching my new puppy, Percy (officially, Percival Corndog Lyles, but sometimes called Perseus) and my older family dog, Crystal interact is SO funny. Percy seems to think he is bigger than her, and Crystal has taken on the role of disciplinarian. For example, he was barking last night when we put him to bed. Crystal took it upon herself to intimidate him - WIN. Love it.

So much holiday knitting to do today...

giving thanks.

Yesterday, I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. I had to have my friend and kitty, Hepcat, put to sleep. He was very sick very quickly, and there was no guarantee that he would ever get well - if I had kept him alive he would pretty much spend the rest of his life hospitalized and on machines, and I'm sure that would not be the life he would want, and definitely would not be the way that he would want to spend the holidays. However, I feel like I made the right decision. Rough as it was, at least he is no longer in any pain. =(

It puts a damper on my holiday, I will admit. I'm happy to be home with my family (including Psycho Kitty and my darling corgi, Crystal) though, because it makes me feel a little better and a lot less alone.

I love Thanksgiving. This past year, especially, I have been thinking a lot about gratitude and using it to become a better person. I love that this holiday (though rooted in the pillage of the natives..) celebrates the idea of gratitude, and for that reason, I make a list of things I am grateful for.

Today, I am grateful for....

My family, my dog, our new home. My roommates, and our home. That I can go to school and study what I truly love. My friends who have stuck by me thus far. Apple pie. Turkey. Breakfast with my parents. Being able to legitimately celebrate Christmas. Baking. The free mascara I got from my ULTA rewards card. Did I mention my family? Or my dog? CRYSTAL! The white daisies my mom bought to cheer me up. Oh, my family!!

=) give thanks. and love.

I am the luckiest.

Life is good. In all, in general, and always, life is good.

Money is hard, school is hard, life is good.

I spent last night trying to rig bags of blood to explode inside a man's dress shirt and attempting to make fake daggers, tonight I'm reading The Caucasian Chalk Circle, tomorrow I'm doing a show for children in the morning and then camping out and analyzing a play for my last directing scene here at Columbus State (whoa.), this past weekend, I got to induct new members into Alpha Psi Omega! In a few weeks, I'll get to go home and see my family. And soon, I'll be working on a show that is a creation basically out of my own mind... how amazing is that?

Some days, I love what I do so much I could just cry with gratitude that I'm able to do it.

Yeah, life is pretty fucking awesome.

Other things? Janine and I seriously cleaned the apartment earlier, so now I feel like real people live in it again. I miss Brian being in my life for real... I'm getting to be a much better knitter than I used to be. I'm actually ninety years old, I swear to goodness. My birthday is in less than a month! (I'm actually only turning 22... wait. What? I'm turning fucking twenty two?! How'd I get so fucking old?!) I plan on celebrating it with a midnight picnic and sparkly lights and delicious food =) Or with a party. Either way, there has to be lots of glitter and big curly hair. =) I just wanna celebrate while I can... before I really do get old.

Recently, I just feel like a lot of things have been falling into place pretty easily. Things are stressful, yes, but I feel like each day isn't as much as a challenge as they have been in the past. I think it's honestly because I finally have really found where I belong in the world, and not just "theatre" but "directing student", and hopefully one day, "director". God, that would be so cool.

Yeah, life is pretty effing good. =)

on feeling full.

It's such a strange feeling - being so busy after being so bored for so long. This past week has been SO FULL of rehearsal, stressful new classes (all of which seem to require a million pages of reading a week!), and friends that I've missed so much.
hfjwfwj42gggggg <- this is Melissa's contribution to my blog. She's a cool girl, that Melissa.
I'm very excited because Melissa, India, and I are going to Belloo's tonight for Little Black Dress night! Two free drinks, and fun times with two of my favorite female friends =) How happy! PLUS< I get to look all cute and stuff!
Today is such a nice day in comparison to the rest of this week, because I have felt so tired all week! Today I got to sleep in, fart around at the mall, and now we're watching The Neverending Story 2 and I may even take a NAP!
I'm happy also because I had gained a lot of weight over summer, this past week I've been going to the gym a lot and I have actually lost 3 pounds! HOORAY!
I hope all is well with you =)

Impending.

School starts on Monday. It's the very last time that this will ever happen to me (pending that I attend grad school, but I highly doubt it.). I'm kind of amazed. It's such a surreal feeling, knowing that in less than a year I will be a "real" adult. Strange, isn't it?

I'm really excited about the school year starting though. I'm excited to start working on Aesop's Fables too! Two of my lovely roommates are working on Spelling Bee right now and I'm so jealous because I want to be starting rehearsals too! Haha, it's funny how you crave for time off but once you have it, you're desperate for it to end.

At either rate, I really think doing tour will be a very good experience for me. It will make me more adaptable, I think. And force me to go to bed earlier. Haha, no for real. I'm stoked.

What I am not stoked about is my American Government class... le sigh.

A lot of my friends will be back in town tomorrow =) For this, I feel a lot of joy.

eclectically speaking.

There is a cat that lives at my parents' condo. It's technically my younger sister's cat, but she hasn't been home in two years, so I'll count it as my parental units' cat. It's name is Bright Eyes, but I've always called it "Worm" (Did you read The Witches of Worm as a child? I did! And let me tell you, I was scarred for life.) or even more commonly, "Psycho Kitty". What is wrong with this cat? I have no idea. It literally hates me. Even though I am quite loving when it comes to cats! I have a cat, if you don't know (which, if you're my friend, you should know, but if you didn't...) named Hepcat. This cat, however, decides to stare at me from down the hallway until I decide to stare back, and then? It runs away. No real explanation at all.

I am baffled by this behavior.

I have a Blackberry Curve, but I still am more than a little dependent on a day planner to write down all my appointments. I recently purchased a pink one and I'm moderately obsessed with it.

I wish people appreciated the value of the joy that glitter can bring, instead of feeling responsible all the time.

My family drinks a lot of boxed wine. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty obsessed with it myself. How delightful to be able to have just one more glass after dinner without worrying about the bottle, etc.

It hurts my feelings when people decide that my friendship is not worthwhile. It's happened twice, perhaps three times (though I'm sure that this person is going through a phase right now. he and I have phases.) just this summer. I'm a devoted friend. Maybe I'm not always immediately there, or available for hanging out, but I love my friends fiercely. There was a time that I would have called one of these people I feel that I've lost my best friend, but I'm starting to see that she hasn't considered me to be her best friend in a very long time. It's such a hard thing, letting go of friends. It's not like when you lose a lover - it's so easy to be mad about that, or to understand why they wanted out. But friends? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just too loyal about these things. Maybe I'm just deluded. I realize that this part of my rant makes about zero sense but I'm kind of just unleashing here. Is there some big cosmic chart that keeps track of points between people that I am unaware of? Is it bad that I put my studies, and therefore my craft before everything else? Is it possible that I'm unable to connect? I'm so frustrated sometimes because it feels like I talk and talk and talk but I never really truly say anything, and the number of people who really understand me are becoming so very few.

On the flipside of that, I have made some wonderful NEW friends (and reinforced some old ones) in the past several weeks. Spending time with them has really brought me such joy. I only wish that I would have hours every day to spend with them once school begins. The joy of summer can never last forever, but I will always remember these people, who helped make one of my shittiest summers end so wonderfully.

I really love coffee. It's delightful, delicious, and delovely. I don't know if I could actually wake up if not for it. And on the plus side, I saw on television the other day that caffeine doesn't actually de-hydrate you. I've been really worried about dehydration lately, because I think it's one of my biggest health risks, considering that I'd much rather any other beverage than water a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong, I love water,but I also love, juice, coke, wine, beer, mix drinks, etc.... Just not milk. But anyway, the point is that I'm becoming one of those adult type people who brews a pot of coffee in the mornings and really really really relishes in drinking it.

There aren't words to express how excited I am about starting back school, on that note. While I know that life will become really very stressful ALL OVER AGAIN... it's my last school year. Pretty much ever. And I'm excited to start working on theatre related things again, and really feeling like I'm a part of something bigger than myself. Not just the department - but the entire art of theatre.

It's so strange to think how much it's changed me. I guess that's a weird thought, but if something's ever changed you as much as theatre has changed me... then you'd understand. It moves me, it expresses me, it pushes me to do things, it challenges me, it makes me think... it's really everything. I know that sounds stupid and idealistic, but a part of me will always be in love with it. In absolute love.

I'm really enjoying The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I want my own copy. In fact, I may buy one tomorrow, just so I can takes notes in it.

I really want some dark chocolate to go with this red wine.

and eclectically speaking, I'm doing quite well.

in retrospect, life is good.

For the past few days, things have been going really well. I've been having packed days full of fun times with really good people. I've been reading good books, playing outside, going on double dates, and just generally having a great time. It really is starting to feel like summer.

I think this is because of the people I've been surrounding myself with. I'm not dogging on my friends who do this, because I clearly love them a lot, but I had been spending a lot of time drinking and smoking earlier in the summer and just being generally irresponsible just in order to forget my problems (ie. missing caleb, missing brian, falling apart in general). But lately I've been just having a lot of really good, clean fun. And who knew? I feel a lot better.

Generally, I'm smiling. I hope you are too, friends!
School is back soon.

The Artistic Drive Conundrum.

If I have been confused about everything in my life, theatre has never come into question. I feel like it is the most beautiful, life changing art form and I have never been happier (albeit, stressed out) than when I have dedicated my entire life to it. I'm driven. I want to create, I want to be successful in my college department, I want to learn as much as humanly can.

So why does it feel like no one but other theatre people can understand that? I figure if you have some sort of passion in your life, you can get it. But it just seems to me like everyone thinks that I'm just nuts half the time, completely wasting my life away on a major that will probably not make me any money. Maybe I SHOULD have majored in business or pre-med. Maybe I should have just gone the way of most of my high school friends and tried to pick something where I can make money. I guess then I'd be more relatable and available to "hang out".

But I'm happy now. I feel like I made the right choice to do something that is making me feel a sense of real fulfillment for once in my sorry consumerist American life. And I'm GLAD I go to a competitive school where I have to slave away to accomplish things. It makes me feel like I'm prepared to work even HARDER when I get out to the real world.

I would rather spend my life waiting tables and just making ends meet and doing something that I truly feel passionate about than spend 9 to 5 in a cubicle, running coffee errands or filling out paperwork for the rest of my life.

I just wish my other friends could understand that.

in case you were interested.

Healthy Amounts of Absurdity.
for more of my daily, pointless thoughts.

restless.

Nick: I think I've got restless heart syndrome. That's why I'm a lover.
Me: I've got restless everything syndrome. That's why I'm not.

Now, while I won't talk about Nick's assessment of himself (haha), I think this conversation accurately sums up a lot about me. It was just a thought I had during that conversation, and I think it's very true. I tend to get restless. It's a constant feeling I have, not something that really goes away unless I find something very "true". And even then, I can convince myself that there is something better out there. Well, maybe better isn't the right word... maybe "different" and "new" are better words. I tend to want to run the second anything gets really serious, and I always make these weird arbitrary decisions and screw things up. I always convince myself that I want something then I all of a sudden just don't. It's the way of the world, I guess. I'm a restless soul.

I think it'll be my new adjective to describe myself - restless.

only the good die young.

lately, my taste in music has become so eclectic. I find myself oddly relating to the song "only the good die young" by billy joel.

I have always loved the song, but it's the first time I actually found some way to relate to it, haha. Weird.

Things have been okay. Strange, but okay. I wouldn't classify this summer as one of the best of my life, but then maybe it's hard to live up to studying abroad with a guy who I would later develop feelings for. I'm just working a lot, hanging out with my friends, and pretty much actually enjoying being single. Don't get me wrong, I miss Caleb more than life sometimes. It will just sneak up on me like when I'm trying to fall asleep and my whole chest will feel like it's about to collapse in because I'll feel myself reverting... but I'm not sure if that's where I am meant to be right now. Who knows? I have always believed that things work out the way they are supposed to. Sometimes, I have to remind myself of that, but it's really the only way I think I won't spend my whole life completely hating myself for making what I like to refer to as "random arbitrary decisions". In my mind, mistakes are rare.

But you know... life just keeps going. Who knows?

on my current thoughts.

There is this funny thing about being single. It's like this: You have to meet people. You have to flirt, you have to try to look nice. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to make myself seem more appealing than I actually am. I'm tired of all the shaving the legs and the primping in the mirror and the witty back and forth of flirtation. I'm just... I feel tired.

I don't know. I guess that doesn't make much sense. I'm just sort of.. tired. It's like when you are thinking about buying a brand new pair of tap shoes. But then there's the thought - oh, but my old ones are already broken in. But these new ones will make better sounds and not fall apart on you! But the old ones are are just what I'm used to... blah blah blah.

I short, I think I'm going to go into hiding for the next few weeks, because I don't feel like making the effort to impress anyone.

But the summer is going well! I'm watching LOST for the first time, and I'm so addicted to it. I like my new living arrangements SO MUCH and I love most of my friends. I'm starting to realize the people who are really my friends and not just friends when it's convenient for them. I'm starting to really get excited for my life after college. I'm going to be extra prepared for GTC this year, and I can't wait to move out of Columbus and go elsewhere! Ah!

In short, life is good. I'm just too lazy to persue a relationship. Besides, let's be real. I really just want something old back. I guess we'll see. Life has a funny way of working itself out the way it's supposed to.

on keeping busy.

I find it ironic that during the semester, all I can think is, "Oh GOD I wish it were summer. All I want is to sleep and to play at the pool and to fart around and do nothing!" but now that summer is here and these options are available to me, nay! they are a part of my daily life - I feel like such. a. bum.

Luckily, I start working at Activ8 next week! I'm excited because it's a dance class that I'm teaching. Hooray! I love that.

Also, I'm planning on bleaching my counters and possibly floor of my kitchen today... And my parents brought me paint and canvas from home! HOW PERFECT for a project for the next two days =) I'm tres excited!

I miss a certain someone a lot. But I know in my heart that things aren't totally horrible. It's just rough right now. Ah, for it to be later this month!

on normalcy.

I once said, "normalcy eludes me."

I'm pretty sure that's true. It's funny because I feel like I have all the potential to be a happy, normal person. But alas, I feel like such an objective observer to my life sometimes that I just make these bizarre choices that don't really make much sense.

It's like, "oh, well this should be interesting."

That's the fascinating thing about the emotional disconnect I've been feeling lately.

In other words... MY LIFE. IS. BIZARRE.
Explanation to come, I'm sure.

cleanliness.

There is something very therapeutic about cleaning things. I used to find it incredibly frustrating, unproductive, and annoying. But as I've grown older, I have found some wonderful comfort in the idea of taking something that was dirty, old, and unorganized and making it clean, smooth, smell nice, and easy to use.

I'm kind of on a cleaning binge. I wish I was at home so I could reorganize my apartment.

I think the reason I like it so much is because it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something, fixing something. In life, there are so many things that we cannot fix: we cannot fix our relationships, our families, our monetary situations, anything really.

But we can totally take a dirty room, makeup box, purse, car, etc.. and make it smell like air freshener.
There's something bizarrely perfect in that thought to me.
(RANDOM THOUGHTS. 1)

aesthetically speaking.

Happy Summertime! Being away from Columbus has given me a lot of time to reflect on my life. It's given me time to (attempt) to relax, and to just sort of reboot myself. I feel so refreshed and so much happier. Spending time with my family, going to the beautiful and quaint parts of Eastern North Carolina, eating good food... it's all very lovely.

so this is a blog about a few of my current aesthetics... things I like!

I really want a ROMPER. They just look so comfy... and I love the victorian funky vibe of this outfit!

aesthetically speaking. by breakfastatrobins featuring Steve Madden shoes

My Summertime Playlist! It includes artists such as:

• Guster
• Ke$ha
• Rilo Kiley
• Lady GaGa
• Cobra Starship
• Hall & Oates
• The cast of GLEE
• Lilly Allen
• etc...

I love...

Natural locally brewed beers. Family times. The Fresh Market. Sushi. Sushi. Sushi. Watching Weeds on Netflix. The beach. Riding with the top down in the Mustang. My netbook - small, compact, and so powerful and cute! wearing sundresses. big sunglasses. my new fedora. text messaging. reading plays and loving them (THE CLEAN HOUSE). looking forward to new haircuts. pellegrino. collecting seashells. devouring books. sleeping late. my dog, Crystal. having skype so I can talk to Melissa. knowing that life is going to work out the way it is supposed to.

As a half-year resolution, I resolve to be funny, fun-loving, and happy again.
Life is good.

twilight zone girl.

With the summer, comes a few things: the loss of Caleb (sigh. He's in Atlanta but it just seems silly to have something going on when we're separated), the ability to sleep in, the idea of laying poolside, the prospect of a summer job, the visiting of the parentals, and apparently... insanity.

As Janine has dubbed it, the Single Girl Summer has begun. So many bizarre things have happened in just the past week. So much to the point of me feeling like I have stepped into an episode of the Twilight Zone. No lie.

On the plus side though, I have new roommates! I love it! =) I can't wait for Melissa to get back... and I can't wait to see just WHAT this summer holds for me! It's gotta be interesting if it started out this way...

We shall see! Bring on the sandals and the sunblock! Summer is HERE!