why should I worry?

So another semester of mainstage shows where I am not cast begins. I'm actually really not upset at all. I think I'm coming to deal with rejection better - which in a way is a great skill. I'm also really excited about assistant teaching tap and auditioning at the Springer (they're doing Footloose! one of my favorite musicals!).

Just thought I'd give you that update.

ps. things are really weird lately, but I think they're doing well. I have a lot I'm looking forward to.

here comes the sun.

So here's a list of stuff that makes me happy.

• This morning, I found out that I am going to get to assistant teach for Brenda's tap class next fall in preparation for the spring production of Crazy For You! EXCITING.
• Also, I found out that I'm going to be in more numbers for dance extravaganza than I thought I was going to be. [=
• Auditions for the Fall semester are today - and as nervous as I am, it's almost nice to get it out of the way.
• I'm so over you!
• I'm finally getting back to being myself again - I feel a lot more calm and rational under state of durress. I just needed to relocate my inner zen self. [=
• Things are going pretty well in acting for the moment.
• The weather has turned nice again! YAY. [=
• I have some really awesome friends.
• I'm starting to take comfort in God again. It's been awhile and I think that I have been lost for some time - I can't really say why, but it's been a rough time in that regard lately. I'm not necessarily saying that I stopped believing in God, but that I had got caught up in the way I felt I was supposed to react to situations. I felt like I should be mad so I was mad. I felt like I should talk crap so I talked crap about people. I think that turning to my spirituality has helped me to face situations with forgiveness and friendship rather than just dwelling on the hurting. Obviously, I'm not perfect but I am glad to be finding my inner peace again.
• House hunting is fun!
• I get to babysit Winston this weekend for Lindsay... I miss my dog so it should be fun [=

I'm going to clean after auditions I think. Plus, I get to actually watch Grey's when it's on TV tonight! WEIRD.

I am not a stranger to the rain.

shoulder to the wind, I'll turn my face into the spray

and when the heavens open - let the drops fall where they may.

I wish it would rain.

Lately, I've been really down. I can't say in specifics why - but basically because I've stopped feeling like a person lately and more like an object that people around me are constantly using and abusing. I feel like I continually get dragged into problems that are not my own.  It's frustrating that people think that I'm some crazy immature person who wants to contribute to their problems - it's frustrating that people want to use me. But I will not let it get me down.

It's really not new to me. I'm used to being used. How sad is that? I've had so many friends who have used me for a million different things - but I'm not going to let myself down. I will stand strong and I will believe what I believe. I will not succumb to the peer pressure to feel like crap about things.

I need to wash this all away - I need time to take away this weight off my shoulders.

I am so grateful for my art, some days. It has helped me through so much that I don't think I would have been able to get through on my own.

Here's what I keep reminding myself: Forgiveness and Kindness will get me through the day. Understanding will help me to not feel hurt. One day, the load will lighten, and I won't think of these things with tears in my eyes again.

I wake up every morning just a little bit better. I don't really miss you anymore. It's nice.

In other news - Janine and I went and looked at a house we really liked earlier. I'm so excited for the rest of my life. I am ready to jump into it, to feel happy again, to be open to love, to trust without looking back, to create real art, to be me again. I'm so ready for it. It's happening now. I can feel it.

(and yes, I know the song is totally about Yonah from the Bible but it really fits the way I feel about life right now.)

I am not a stranger to the rain. Let it rain.

on today's perspective.

so I was sitting in rehearsal today, DYING of laughter (because the cast, director, and stage managers of Riverside Drive are freaking awesome!) and I realized something -

most of my joy (and I mean real joy) for life comes from my work. Artistic/Theatrical acheivement (whatever you want to term it) brings me so much zest for what I want out of life. Being around people who feel the same way settles in on me and I feel more at peace with life.

I am FINE alone. In fact, it's better this way. The only people who I think would understand the life I want to lead would be people IN the theatre or arts. And right now, there just isn't anyone around me in the theatre or arts community who I want to be with romantically. And that's that. Maybe that will change one day, but I don't forsee it happening. Sometimes I feel like my friends aren't that great of friends to me. And I don't mean that about my closest circle, obviously. But I realize that people act with other motives in life and that they don't think about what's really good in the long run because they let the forced idea of falling in love get in their way. Let's be real - if it's too hard to be with someone, if it causes a scandal, if you don't want to shout it from the rooftops, it's probably not love.

And I'm not saying only focus on your dreams - no! Love really is all you need - but not necessarily romantic love, do you get me? There is the love I have for my family, my best friends, for my work. For everything. Love is all around, you just have to find it.

From here on out - I vow to stay focused on the goal. To not let other people's shadiness or mistreatment of me bring me down. I promise to love my friends and my art with all of my heart and not look to misplace it romantically on a man who does not deserve it. I will look to Elle! I will be so much better! (now I'm just being silly!) But really - There is more to life than falling in love.

And when I look around - I see that.

when I look back at that ordinary, ordinary life - I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.

on the objectification of robin lyles.

I have never felt more like an object in my entire life.

[so I definitely edited a lot of this blog out, because it was really specific, but the emotion is still there.]

There have been too many events as of late that have made me feel like an object to men. [if you're close with me, you probably know most of them] and I don't know how I feel about it.

Every time any of this happens - I can usually brush it off, no big deal! It's just a joke, or he was drunk, or I was drunk, or whatever. But seriously? Right now? The addition of all of it on top of itself is too much for me. I am a person. I have goals. I have dreams. I have opinions. I consistantly feel like a sex object or not even a woman at all to men, and I hate it. Every now and then, when something like this comes along - seriously, a little part of me, the real me, dies. And I don't know what to do with my jaded leftover self anymore.

In general - I am tired of feeling like this. I have never felt prettier in my life, but I have also never felt uglier in my life. I grow more and more disgusted with my need for male attention every day.

You know what? If you read this - forget about it. I really don't care that much.

I just had to get it off my chest.

---

Other thoughts: Machinal was flipping awesome. I have amazing friends - Especially India [=. Things will be better soon. I can feel it.

if you feel discouraged that there's a lack of color here

please don't worry, lover -

it's really bursting at the seams

absorbing everything.

the spectrum's a to z.

So I have a few minutes of respite - after the cast party last night, my head is still a little swimmy and I'm still a little sleepy. [= But I was genuinely happy and I generally had a great time. I forget sometimes how much I like being who I am and having the friends I have (even when they're hella awkward, or if I am). I think sometimes we all get caught up in sex and love and forget how important other relationships, like friendships, are. In general, while I was VERY very drunk, I had a great time.

Also, we found out about next year's musical finally! And let me just tell you, while Janine and I may be the only ones, I am fucking pumped! It's CRAZY FOR YOU. Which is one of my absolute favorite musicals. So I am pretty excited, in general about that. Largely because I'm obsessed with it though. [=

I have to admit that things have been looking up lately. I've been eating tons healthier, working out, drinking a lot of water, and I am actually starting to feel okay about my body. Also, I'm pretty much over what happened with Brian and subsequently the nonsense of my behavior directly after what happened with Brian. Every now and then I get a pang of "what if", but usually I'm on an even keel of accepting that it just wasn't meant to be, because if it was, it would be.

After Machinal closes, I'll just be going to class and working on one acts (also, dance extravaganza, but it's pretty far back in my mind right now, honestly). Which is an incredible break from the zombie-like schedule I've been operating on for the past month. Hopefully with all that time I'll have a refreshed point of view and I'll be able to relax a little bit.

I feel like sometimes I relate a little too much to Helen Jones. Not in a creepy "I'll kill you" way, but definitely in the "I just want to rest" and feeling the weight around me way.

I don't understand you.

I miss you.

I love you.

you laugh until you cry - you cry until you laugh.

and everyone must breathe until their dying breath.

and this is how it works - you appear inside yourself

you take the things you like and try to love the things you took

and you take that love you made and stick it into some -

someone else's heart pumping someone else's blood.

[Regina Spektor is way too relatable.]

STRESS CITY USA. Yesterday was the opening of Machinal. Britney (who plays the telephone girl) was in the hospital! So Stephanie and I both had to step in as understudies into different roles. It was so freaking stressful! But all turned out well and we did it! Hooray. Tonight is the ACTF adjudication and I look forward to seeing what they have to say about the show. 

But that was good about the past few days. Also good - I got an award/scholarship for service to the department! yay!

In general, I'm in a better mood.

But things could still be better, I suppose.

Stress City, USA.

Mayor - Robin Lyles.