let it go.

Reading this passage of Eat. Pray. Love. by Elizabeth Gilbert could not have happened at a better or more relevant time for me:

"But I love him."
"So love him."
"But I miss him."
"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed of. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."
"But I wish me and David could -"
He cuts me off. "See, now that's your problem you're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be." (Page 150)

Of course, replace all the names with relevant names from my life, but you get the picture.

Seriously, why can't someone sit me down and say these things to me? Thank you, India, for letting me borrow this book.

Also, my Dove chocolate (I admit, I have an addiction. I literally eat chocolate every single day.) told me: "Create peace for yourself"

Why is it that the universe did not align itself with good advice for me a few months ago?
It's so nice to be home - and I think once this week of detox is over, I'll be ready to start anew in Columbusland. Please - let the calmness and inner peace carry over the miles to Columbus so that the Summer of Love can begin. <3

the sky is yours.

So I was driving down the road today on my way back to Augusta for a week of relaxation with my family, the windows rolled down, tuned into Star 94 (which I learned from a billboard was the Top 40 station in Atlanta), with "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz coming in and out (I think there's something wrong with my antennae), windows rolled down, shoes off, sun roof cranked open (yes, cranked. there is an actual crank.), and I realized something.

I was genuinely happy. Alone, in my stupid just-glad-it-runs car, with music that I love (even if it kept fading out) and the warm sun beaming down on me - I was happy.

I always find it strange when I feel like I'm in a state of my life when I can't seem to find a way out and something like this happens. I feel like everywhere I turn there is someone waiting to tell me something else that I won't be able to handle and that will break me down again - and there is always a moment of pure bliss of simplicity that reminds me that this is ME. This is Robin, who takes pleasure in throwing a peace sign out of her sun roof in the hot summer air (since my air conditioning is unpredictable). This is Robin, who loves the lake and sleeping late and painting and singing with the radio - This is me. And for a few minutes I was just purely happy with my life and I was at peace with God. I have been so angry lately, and I don't usually get angry (let's be real). With the loss of Rea, the pressure of school, the betrayal I was feeling from so many sides - my quiet anger with the world was becoming a scream very quickly. And lately I've been trying to find my peace again - and there it was. It was just such a perfect, peaceful, totally just "me on my own being myself" moment. It was wonderful. God, I really needed that.

I was talking to India last night about all the crazy things I do sometimes (like riding the elevator for twenty minutes or playing in the fountains by myself just because it's what I WANT to do) and she said something along the lines that it was fine because it meant that I was comfortable enough with being alone to just spend time with myself. And I had never thought of it that way. I always viewed my strange antisocial tendencies that I've started to develop this year as kind of bizarre, and maybe just my weird way of expressing my discontent for my life. Like I used to want to spend every waking moment of my life around other people during my freshman year and even at the beginning of this year, but lately it's just been a lot of "me time". I think that her saying that has really given me a different perspective on the way I behave, as for the past few weeks I've been feeling like it hasn't been such a good thing to spend so much time alone - but now I can look at it as that I'm comfortable enough with myself to hang out with just me. [=

It's really nice to be home, in a weird way. Like usually there's this "I don't know what to do with my time" aching of almost-boredom, but I'll only be here for a week so I think it's going to be an interesting experience. I got to hang out and talk to Laura some earlier, and I always forget how much I miss her. <3

Here are my rules and goals for life right now:

• If I can't fix a problem with someone and I can't bring myself to forgive them, I'm just going to avoid them until forgiveness comes. I know myself, and I know it will one day arrive, but at this point - I'm so hurt by some people that I don't even want apologies from them. I just want the pain to fade away and I know that I will forgive them eventually.
• I'm not going to torture myself if I want to spend some "me time" and I'm just going to think of it as "hanging out with myself".
• I'm going to be more open to the idea of dating people, because I think I've once again closed myself off because of all the hurt that's happened this semester. I think it's time that I realize that I have something in me that's worthwhile. And I need to remind myself of that.

I love you guys, and I'm so glad the Satan Semester is over. Though I will miss everyone in Columbus who won't be with me over the summer, I'm grateful for the reprieve. I'm excited about Fly Over Land.

Also good: I lost eight pounds. Woo!

Life is good. I need to remember that when times get hard. Life is good.

open up your mind and see like me -
open up your plans, and damn! you're free.
look into your heart and you'll find the sky is yours!
♥

Today.

Today is going to be a wonderful day.

I'm super excited about my activity.

I'm really excited about dance extravaganza.

Basically, I choose to make today a better day.

Because I only have so many left, and why waste them on being sad?

Love you kids, for real.

covered in scars I did nothing to earn.

here is something that's been on my mind lately. how is it that we can all manage to treat each other like our feelings don't matter at all? how is it that we can all be so selfish? how can we act on things without seemingly thinking? we all thought we were doing the right thing, right? we were right, weren't we?

Nobody does anything thinking it's the wrong thing. Nobody sets out to hurt someone else.

But here's the thing - and I really do think this. We make shit up.

We make shit up about people all the time - like, you pretend that your girlfriend is the problem in your relationship, you find a small thing about her personality that maybe even someone else pointed out - but then you blow it up in your mind. Suddenly it's impossible to see yourself with this person anymore - how could you be attracted to them when they're SO not what you really want. But in reality, you just made that up. You wanted out of a relationship because you wanted to date someone else - fine. But just admit that. You'll look like a jerk, sure.

But at least it's the fucking truth.

Or this - you're growing apart from your best friend. You're both really busy and you rarely have time to be together, and you're disapointed by that. So you start blaming them. You start talking crap about them, you start bitching about how they must be this awful person because they don't pay you any attention anymore - but here's the truth: you miss them. Just admit it and save yourself from losing your friend. Is it really worth it to save face?

I KNOW I'm guilty of this too. I have done it a thousand times over and over again - but it's just something I realized lately. I feel like this is the biggest problem I'm having lately though. I don't want to fight with people, I don't want to feel like I'm  being lied to. I don't want to be fake and I don't want to be angry.

I just want the truth. Is that really so much to ask?

come right out and say it.

From this point on, I promise myself to only surround myself with people who make me feel totally and completely loved. I promise to surround myself with people I trust.

And I will try so hard to forgive.

Because I know that the only way to cleanse my own soul and my own being is to wash clean the stain of anger and mistrust.

What's scary is how I've switched from anger to apathy so quickly.

I'd rather have the truth than something insincere.

Every day, I am grateful that I have enough theatrical work to dive into. Otherwise, I think I'd fall apart, because I am constantly realizing how much of my life I am truly discontent with.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. <3

8+ hours of dancing and I'm absolutely fucking exhausted. Like I feel like if someone poked me too hard, all my bones would fall out of place and I'd tumble to the floor - a pile of flesh and bone not entirely put together but still in the same heap. But at the same time, I really love dancing so it's okay [=

APO Ball was fucking fantastic! I actually think that it was one of my favorite nights since I've been at college - the ball was so much fun (you know how I love to dance!) and the party afterwards was great too! (Even though Taylor called me at 4AM for NO REASON hah!) I always really enjoy events that are predominately theatre people, but the ball just always seems so wonderful because we're just there to celebrate our hard work. which is beautiful, when you think about it! Because we really do work our asses off. [=

Plus, it's nice to be able to be around eachother in a non-theatre related event. Like, no one has to go run lights or do crew or put on a costume, we can just be around each other, have a nice meal, and dance like we're crazy retarded.

I love the department [= I really do. I know that sometimes I get tired (see a few paragraphs below this), but I truly do feel like I'm in the right place at the right time right now. Serendipitous! I've learned so much in the past two years and I've grown so much, but I don't think I would have been able to without not only the help of the faculty but also my fellow students here in the CSU Theatre Department. I adore you all - just so you know. <3

I'm reading "Eat. Pray. Love." and I really adore it as well. I'm in the first section and it really helps me appreciate being alone instead of resenting it. [=

My apartment is literally spotless. It's weird but nice. I forgot how I liked to be clean. Also, we move out soon. I'll probably be going on home Friday so yeah. Yay! I am really happy to see this semester end - if truth be told. I love everyone here in Columbus and I love school, don't get me wrong - but in the end, my exhaustion of not only just working all the time on theatre (because if that were the case, I'd be overjoyed with life!) but also taking so many classes and having to constantly be up until two AM (haha, like right now?) and all the drama that people around me create is just exhausting. I'm tired and I just want a few days of R&R. It will be really good for me, I think.

I'm about to have a really awesome night's sleep. [=

can't hold me down - gotta reach for the sky!

some people don't know the love you possess - they pretend, but they don't understand.

it's natural, you're in a world of your own.

You know what I really miss about living at home? Dancing. I mean, obviously, I have random crazy ass dance parties in my apartment, but I really miss every day of the week working my ass off dancing in a studio. Now, I just feel like an old dog with a few tricks left up my sleeve, but I forget what it feels like to actually have been good. Dance Extravaganza is coming up and I think I'm more than just a little excited - I'm in several numbers and I just really want to show people that I am a dancer and that I  am talented in more than just acting [= In general, dance is just how I show the world that I love life and I am excited to be performing in that kind of venue again.

Janine wants to go on a horse and buggie ride and Matt wants a popsicle.

Junior Proficiency was today - I'm happy to say that it went very well. I'm not sure why I was so psyched out about it - I've never had a bad meeting with the faculty before, so why should this have been different! Haha, so yeah. That's one less hoop to jump through before the end of the semester (which I've dubbed the SATAN semester!).

Another exciting thing that is coming up REALLY soon (as in tomorrow night!) is the APO ball. Now, while I wish that I had a date to said ball, I'm pretty content to go by myself and enjoy a wonderful night with the theatre majors of CSU! It's such a great way to end the year and I'm super psyched about it [= Lots of good food, wonderful people, and really really fun dancing! YAY.

I feel like I have all these crazy wonderful ideas for dances all the time! Lately I've been being nagged my my inner brain about another ballet I'd want to choreograph (similar to "Situations: A Contemporary Love Story Ballet") - a Swing ballet! Like, all the music would be from the 1940's (or contemporary recordings thereof), and I'd want a bigger cast than before. There'd be big dance numbers (including a partner swing number and a few tap numbers and a USO style number!) and probably a story based around WWII and soldiers going away and coming back, etc. I'd love to do a girls number to "I'll Be Seeing You"! Oh lord. I would! Do you think this would be a good idea? I know I really don't have much time to do it except in the fall and there's already so many freestages put in for the fall of 09. Decisions!

Okay, the more I fleshed out that paragraph the more I want to do it and now my brain is spinning to try to make it work in my head. Write a proposal or wait til Spring?

Dance consumes my brain sometimes. And sometimes I'm pretty convinced I should just be a choreographer. But I do love acting. Oh, performance is what I live for. And if I have to work my ass off for it, then so be it.