summertime.

and the living is easy.

It's been raining for the past few weeks. It's strange, but I never remember much rain growing up. (Well, that's explainable because we've been in drought for as long as I can remember, but you know) I always remember summer being days on end of running and playing and building tee-pees out of pinestraw and fallen trees in the woods. I remember just the blazing summer sun causing my skin to glisten and sweat to form at the edge of my strawberry hair.

I remember countless numbers of plastic bag popsicles and strawberries with sugar for dessert with my family.

I remember the way that I felt so very carefree - and it seemed like summer could last forever. Days of swimming and never worrying about what my hair actually looked like.

Damn, that was a good time.

This summer is so very different. I'm worried about making the rent and paying bills, and I'm going abroad and I'm doing a show (which, in comparison to my childhood summers, doesn't surprise me, considering that I used to make fake talent shows in my back yard!) Life is so different.

(this blog was originally going to be about eating and overweight children because of this episode of Tyra I watched, but I think this is more poignant and more relevant to my life as of now.)

---

He's handsome in a way that no one else really is. She is all coy smiles and misplaced laughs and biting her lip. The mixture is almost too dangerous to the taste for them. (Scene 4, before the first kiss.)

life.

I have a cat. I know it's so retarded cat-lady of me, but the ability to snuggle with Hepcat brings me a lot of joy [= Even if I can't decide on a definite position for the litter box... He is so huggly snuggly that I know I can always love on him!

Lately I am in a shoe funk! I have been wearing cowboy boots and moccasins every day and I need to stop it! So I keep trying to wear heels instead [= or flats. or something OTHER than moccasins and cowboy boots.

I was in a weird mood this morning - and I'm honestly much better than I made myself out to be in my last blog. I am pretty much moved on and I like someone else, I promise. Crazy, but I go through these weird "I'm not quite over it" phases and I just can't shake them off. The day was really good today though and I am really very happy.

I've been trying to think of something poetic to write about in my blog lately, instead of just blahdeblahing about my life, but I think that's what a blog is for, either writing something interesting about your perspective or just talking about your life. So I think it's a "talk about my life" stage right now.


"Life isn’t divided into genres. It’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky."
Alan Moore

remembering.

I miss the way you used to make me smile without any thought - instead of the way you make me half-way cry now.

that's all.

I'm really quite happy, I promise. I just miss that.

smiling.

I'm happy. [=

maymester is weird. I went on ONE date with a guy and everyone is like freaking out... one date! it's cool, guys. haha. don't freak out! that's allowed to happen, you know! haha. oh well!

I love my apartment! furniture arrives tomorrow, along with my cat, Hepcat!
and my car will get fixed!
hooray!

on the downside, brittain left today =[ sad times.

there is a really long list of people who I wish were with me in columbus right now, but they're not. Fly Over Land is going pretty well, I suppose. I'm happy about that.

There's not much to update about, life is slow. But I am really, genuinely doing well.

the truth.

I have three words for you that sum up how I feel about my "men" situation:

IT'S. THE. BANGS.

rebirth.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Things are really good right now. Obviously, not everything is perfect, but I do thank God for these brief days of joy.

I've moved into my new apartment with Janine and Brittain. We pay bills like real people now. There's a pool available to me at any time I want it (though it's been eerily cold the past two days...) and I finally have my own room! Basically, I adore it. I can't wait until my parents come into town this weekend because a few things will happen then:

• I will get furniture! YAY.
• I will get to see my family!
• My dad will fix my car!

Haha, hooray! Did I mention that my car broke down? YEAH IT DID. Oh well, I think there is too much good going on to let a few crappy things bring me down. I'm taking a really easy class and I'm in Fly Over Land too. And let me just say - I'm really loving working on the show. I know I've only been to two rehearsals but I really like the focus on things like viewpoints, etc. PLUS the script itself and the designs are seriously kickass! YAY

Also, I am so so so very over you. And this time I'm not writing it just to make myself feel better.

I feel like I'm walking around with a warm little secret. My heart feels warm and I feel more open than I have in months. And I kind of like that.

growth.

There is a tree in my back yard - it's much smaller than the other trees, but it's branches are growing. It's roots are firm and it's leaves shade its small section of the ground just as well as the bigger trees. I've always known about this tree - hell, I planted it. But yesterday afternoon, when I was out "playing pine cone" with my dog, Crystal, it caught my eye once more. As I dutifully flung the slobber covered pine cone for my dog to loyally run and find, my eye drifted from my book to the tree - planted adjacent to the small vegetable garden my sisters and I had tended in our youth (now overgrown with weeds and firewood).

Now you're probably wondering why I'm blogging about some tree. I'll get to that soon.

I remember that tree - carrying it out of my elementary school haphazardly on Arbor Day towards my mom with the rest of the car riders (these were the days before I became a latch-key kid like the rest of my neighbors, or even understood the concept of riding the bus). At either rate, I remember toddling home with said tree and planting it where it now stands. I don't remember much of the actual planting process - when it happened in relation to my mother picking me up from school that day, whether or not I planted it or my mother did, or really anything about it - I could fabricate some sappy story about how we planted it together or BLAH BLAH BLAH, but in truth, I (like most people who are actually coming into adulthood) don't remember much other than playing with caterpillars and coloring from kindergarten. (And even those memories are more like a blurry montage set to some kind of happy classical music)

But what I remember most about that tree is this. I carried it out of the school. My grubby little three foot something hands carried that tree out of the doors of my elementary school. Now, that tree is twice as tall as me.

I have changed so much in my lifetime. From being that cute little shy girl in elementary school, to my awkward anger at the world during middle school, through my rockabilly phase, my eighties phase, high school, college - everything. I don't think words can ever accurate describe the ever changing chameleon nature of the human condition, and I (like everyone else in the world) am a perfect example of this.

But I have spent my entire life here, in this house. While I have dealt with my parents' move as best I can, and I really am okay with it, it's just strange to think that I will probably never come back here for a long stay again. I guess my life is moving on, and I've known that for two years now. But I guess I always thought I'd be able to come back here. Sit my ass in this living room, sleep til noon on my futon, and look at that stupid tree without a second thought.

But that's not really an option for me anymore. Life is taking me on a new adventure, and I am completely different than I was.

I lay on my stomach on the swing that my father built for my mother reading the book that India lent me, dutifully throwing that pine cone back and forth for my goofy little dog and I smiled.

I am not the only one who's changed here.

<3 Back to Columbus tomorrow.