antsy girl.

"She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we would try to pin her to a cork board like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew."
- Jerry Spinelli's Stargirl

Normalcy eludes me.

Life is good, as it seems. Things aren't perfect, that's for sure. But I'm starting to realize that I will never feel completely content. There will always be something that is gnawing at me, constantly begging for my attention. However, the general big picture points to a happy life for me right now. I'm not entirely stable romantically, but the happiness factor is there. So that's really all I can ask for, right? Maybe it won't last that long, but right now is good. =)

I miss Europe, speaking of. I know that's lame. But I miss the adventure of traveling I think is a better way to sum it up. I miss living out of a bag, I miss not feeling held down by the weight of my many responsibilities. I miss the romance of it all (in both senses of the term), I miss the intrigue. I miss the idea that "this will be my last moment here so I gotta remember it!" I miss the adventure, yeah. If money were flowing steadily I would go back. Or somewhere else. I need something new. I'm tired of staring at the One Arsenal Place courtyard, of eating at the Market on Broadway, of the same conversation over and over with twelve different people.

On the other hand, it's nice to accomplish things. Have a long lasting impression on people. Even if professors still spell my name with a "y" instead of an "i", they know who I am and know I work hard. Sometimes though, the wanderlust takes control.

I'm just antsy, I guess is what I'm getting to. Nothing is wrong, in fact, most things are going right right now. I'm doing well in school, my social life is fine, etc. But the antsiness has settled in. Mostly because I am both dreading and looking forward to the next few months.

The summer is coming. While I may not fulfill my wanderlust, I will get the time to relax, do rejuvenating self-building things, and maybe get a little sleep and have a little mindless fun, visit my parents, etc.

I'm just going to miss certain people.

But in the end, life is good. Strange, but good.

I just said, "dude, your perspective on life sucks."

Hm. Life seems to be more tiring than I thought it would be post-Crazy For You. However, I haven't got much to complain about.

I finally got a chance to clean my room, and discovered that I've literally been swimming in dirty laundry for about a month now. It's much more cozy and work-easy now. Thankfully! Haha, plus, my wonderous roommate, Mandi, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom so now the apartment seems much fresher.

I'm working on choreography for extravaganza right now. (Well, taking a break to blog) But I feel so much more artistic freedom with this. Maybe it's because I got to choose my dancers. Maybe it's because I am just feeling less pressured because it's just a project for me. Either way, it's really nice.

I like this boy too. I mean, he makes me smile. And I kind of love that I don't see him every day. It's so much easier to spend time with him when we both legitimately have the time instead of trying to fit it in every spare second that we have. It's refreshing to be pseudo-dating someone who has the same perspective on that. He's weird, but hey. So am I.

Hm. Maybe it's just me, but the up-coming summer has brought me a real sense of peace. Yay!
I just can't wait to start getting paid.
=)

Love and tap shoes and cinnamon coffee and losing six pounds.

the way you changed my life..

Crazy for You is over. Officially. Wow. What a run! Although stressful, it was a really great time! We sold out every show and played to standing ovations as well as happy audiences. Sure, it was a rough rehearsal period, but the show pulled through and I ended up having a great time (and losing somewhere between five and seven pounds...)

It was so nice to see my family this weekend. I forget how much I miss them until I'm faced with the idea of being around them again. It's like "WAIT! Come back! I want you to be here more!!" But life has to continue.

I came to the sad realization this morning though (while thinking of how I might actually miss the show..) that school will be ending soon, and a certain someone will be moving pretty far away from me. While I feel like he is making the right choice for himself I can't help but know that I will miss him. I know I'll be fine, I always am, but really? I want more than anything to stop leading my normal life.

I want something extraordinary.

Take that whatever way you please.
Love and feather headdresses and sequins and tap shoes.

(not) another brick in the wall.

The concept of "cool" has always eluded me...

In elementary school, I can remember that I literally WANTED to be nerdy. I think it had something to do with the way I idolized my older sister (hey, I'm willing to admit that I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread for a good portion of my youth!) and the way she was so smart, but I really had a desire to wear glasses and braces and to dress a little dorky. It also could be attributed to my rebellious streak (I have one, believe it or not). However, being "cool" was definitely not something that I even began to care about in those days. "Cool" to me was going into the swamp or studying spiders or reading a book in one day. But then, I was a really weird kid. I liked to go out and pretend to be in a fort in the woods, I liked to put on talk shows in my living room, I was pretty sure there was nothing cooler than THAT.

I think the only time it occurred to me that I really genuinely cared about being popular or cool was when I hit those awkward pre-teen middle school years. But what can I say? Braces, frizzy hair (I had yet to discover heat styling...), clothes from Goody's, and acne just weren't the "cool thing" at the time, so I was pretty much SOL. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't miserable all those years because I had such great friends, lalala, but I will say that those years of ugly duckling syndrome definitely made an impression on me. Being the "ugly" or "weird" girl always sort of haunts me, even today. It really was just an awkward time for me - going through puberty a little earlier than my peers set my hormones in a rage, and my orthodontist didn't seem to care that I already had glasses and acne to make me a genuine loser, so braces it was! (Though I must admit to being thankful for my delightfully straight smile now!)

And even though my friends from that time still are a big part of my life, and they are probably the best way that I made it through that awkward transitional phase, I know that I was miserable. I find it strangely ironic, considering that I never had planned on being the popular girl in the first place. However, being constantly made fun of to my face by people I barely knew was just.. horrific, really. I'm not sure how I dealt with it in all honesty.

And then there was high school. Yet another transition phase for me, but this time, it was if I were emerging from the cocoon. Luckily for me, I got to start high school in a brand new place - at the school where my mother taught science. Now, I think a lot of kids would have chosen not to attend a school where their parents worked, but I was so desperate for a fresh start I was just going to have to accept the circumstances. Besides, Harlem (which is where I eventually went to school) had one of the best theatre programs in town, and I had always wanted to try my hand at theatre. My super nerdy (yet wonderful!) older sister had really found a home there in the theatre program so I felt like it was worth a shot. So I go to high school there.

Harlem is a small town. There is only one stop light, and a festival dedicated completely to Oliver Hardy once a year. It is a silly, tiny place, but in all honesty, I could not imagine ever being happier in high school. Sure, I had a host of self-esteem issues, but doesn't every fifteen year old? Especially after three years of being made fun of, my appearance became almost an obsession. The funny thing was though, that I was always a bit off of what was cool. I refuse(d) to accept a manikin as a definitive way to dress (and I still do). Instead, I would choose the most bizarre (yes, more bizarre than even now) outlets for my fashion expression. I had a phase where I would only listen to swing music and profusely told people that I had been born sixty years too late, and I had a phase where I wore a pony bead necklace every single day without fail. In fact, one day my drama teacher (who had become a second father to me) said to me, "Could you just not decide what to wear when you woke up this morning?" He was clearly joking, but it still rings true.

As a side note, the one thing that I discovered in high school was the theatre. I found a family there, I found art there, I found joy and self-confidence. Pretty much every actor at some point has this realization that their sole happiness comes from their craft and being onstage, and it really was the way that I discovered how not only to be confident, but also that being myself was once again cool, if only to like ten or so people. Nerdiness and all.

I graduated, never really knowing what it meant to be "cool" from a small town high school where my mom was a teacher, loving theatre (my salvation from the normalcy of every day life), and with bigger dreams than I'd ever had when I was younger.

And then, college. Now "cool" in college is so much different than cool in high school. I'm a theatre major, so everything is pretty warped for us. We live in a giant glass fish bowl, and there really is no way to swim out of it, so these are the people who are here to judge your "cool factor" (so to speak). Things are different. I feel judged more frequently by merit than by my looks (which consequently leads me to feel much less uncomfortable with my own body), and I know that in the long run being "popular" doesn't matter as much as how hard I work and how much drive I have to get what I want.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that conceptually, I'm done with it. I'm completely over what "cool" is. I don't have to like what you like, or wear what you wear, or even care about what you care about. It's not worth my time. I guess everyone goes through this phase, but it finally hit me last night that the whole group mentality thing is not what is important. You just have to remain positive and upbeat, you just have to work hard, you just have to do what you perceive to be the right thing to do - otherwise? You're selling yourself short. There is no mold that we all fit into! You cannot force people to like you by doing what they expect of you because there is no way possible that you are being completely true to yourself.

And isn't that more important?
---

Thoughts from Robin. Stress abounds, I feel very blessed to be living the life that I am.

Walking zombie.

So, I will make a single statement about the current state of my life:

Crazy For You (square that because we're about to go into tech next week) + One Acts + School Work + Money + The Most Confusing Boy Alive = Very on edge Robin.

Ah, I can't wait til we open though!
Until then, I will be a little tense.

But I still love you all!

Hi Robin, this is your life. Welcome back!

So here I sit in the theatre lounge on my little baby netbook, Bonaparte. While I am so happy to have him back, I have to admit that I resent the fact that I am not snoozing at this moment. Why oh why oh why is spring break so teasingly short?!

I pretty much have gone right back into the swing of things - which generally means that I'm in over my head ninety seven percent of the time. Luckily, I have my trusty faith and perseverance on my side. Otherwise I'm not sure I'd make it through. Crazy For You enters tech not this coming weekend, but the next, and quite frankly, we have tons of work to do before then. While I firmly believe in this wonderful cast, I know that it's going to be along haul to get to the point where we want to be by then.

Also, I start rehearsing for my one act tomorrow. I won't lie and say I'm not dying of nervousness. A part of me is totally cool about it, but another part is just freaking out on the inside. But I know that the director has to be the best actor in the room and convince everyone that they know exactly what they're doing... so I'll try to do just that. It will be fun, I just have to get over the initial shock of everything.

Also, I'm starting work on my dance extravaganza pieces a little early this year so that I have time to perfect them instead of throwing them together at the last minute. While that's a very good thing, it also stresses me quite a bit!

Here is a good thing though: I had an excellent day in acting class today. While sometimes I get bogged down with the "real life" situations of the mainstage season or my social life I forget about working on my craft, but I really put the work in on my Spoon River piece and it really paid off. Thank goodness! I had been struggling for awhile with particularization, but now I really feel things starting to click.

Ah, welcome back. Maybe I wasn't QUITE ready, but here is my life. Coming at me head on.
C'est la vie!
love.

life is not about finding yourself.

So. I go back to rehearsing tomorrow, and back to school Monday.

Spring Break has been... well it's been wonderful. It's been relaxing, lovely, all of that. It's helped me clear my mind and reorganize my life. However, I feel like more pressing matters are hovering over my head, ala Crazy for You, Asleep on the Wind, etc... So in a way I am happy to get back to school. I'm super nervous about starting rehearsals for my one act, and I'm super glad Brenda is back and Crazy for You is not leaderless anymore!

On that note, I'm very excited about my life right now. Maybe everything won't work out, but I'm hoping for it to.
Oh, life.