The Artistic Drive Conundrum.

If I have been confused about everything in my life, theatre has never come into question. I feel like it is the most beautiful, life changing art form and I have never been happier (albeit, stressed out) than when I have dedicated my entire life to it. I'm driven. I want to create, I want to be successful in my college department, I want to learn as much as humanly can.

So why does it feel like no one but other theatre people can understand that? I figure if you have some sort of passion in your life, you can get it. But it just seems to me like everyone thinks that I'm just nuts half the time, completely wasting my life away on a major that will probably not make me any money. Maybe I SHOULD have majored in business or pre-med. Maybe I should have just gone the way of most of my high school friends and tried to pick something where I can make money. I guess then I'd be more relatable and available to "hang out".

But I'm happy now. I feel like I made the right choice to do something that is making me feel a sense of real fulfillment for once in my sorry consumerist American life. And I'm GLAD I go to a competitive school where I have to slave away to accomplish things. It makes me feel like I'm prepared to work even HARDER when I get out to the real world.

I would rather spend my life waiting tables and just making ends meet and doing something that I truly feel passionate about than spend 9 to 5 in a cubicle, running coffee errands or filling out paperwork for the rest of my life.

I just wish my other friends could understand that.

in case you were interested.

Healthy Amounts of Absurdity.
for more of my daily, pointless thoughts.

restless.

Nick: I think I've got restless heart syndrome. That's why I'm a lover.
Me: I've got restless everything syndrome. That's why I'm not.

Now, while I won't talk about Nick's assessment of himself (haha), I think this conversation accurately sums up a lot about me. It was just a thought I had during that conversation, and I think it's very true. I tend to get restless. It's a constant feeling I have, not something that really goes away unless I find something very "true". And even then, I can convince myself that there is something better out there. Well, maybe better isn't the right word... maybe "different" and "new" are better words. I tend to want to run the second anything gets really serious, and I always make these weird arbitrary decisions and screw things up. I always convince myself that I want something then I all of a sudden just don't. It's the way of the world, I guess. I'm a restless soul.

I think it'll be my new adjective to describe myself - restless.

only the good die young.

lately, my taste in music has become so eclectic. I find myself oddly relating to the song "only the good die young" by billy joel.

I have always loved the song, but it's the first time I actually found some way to relate to it, haha. Weird.

Things have been okay. Strange, but okay. I wouldn't classify this summer as one of the best of my life, but then maybe it's hard to live up to studying abroad with a guy who I would later develop feelings for. I'm just working a lot, hanging out with my friends, and pretty much actually enjoying being single. Don't get me wrong, I miss Caleb more than life sometimes. It will just sneak up on me like when I'm trying to fall asleep and my whole chest will feel like it's about to collapse in because I'll feel myself reverting... but I'm not sure if that's where I am meant to be right now. Who knows? I have always believed that things work out the way they are supposed to. Sometimes, I have to remind myself of that, but it's really the only way I think I won't spend my whole life completely hating myself for making what I like to refer to as "random arbitrary decisions". In my mind, mistakes are rare.

But you know... life just keeps going. Who knows?

on my current thoughts.

There is this funny thing about being single. It's like this: You have to meet people. You have to flirt, you have to try to look nice. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to make myself seem more appealing than I actually am. I'm tired of all the shaving the legs and the primping in the mirror and the witty back and forth of flirtation. I'm just... I feel tired.

I don't know. I guess that doesn't make much sense. I'm just sort of.. tired. It's like when you are thinking about buying a brand new pair of tap shoes. But then there's the thought - oh, but my old ones are already broken in. But these new ones will make better sounds and not fall apart on you! But the old ones are are just what I'm used to... blah blah blah.

I short, I think I'm going to go into hiding for the next few weeks, because I don't feel like making the effort to impress anyone.

But the summer is going well! I'm watching LOST for the first time, and I'm so addicted to it. I like my new living arrangements SO MUCH and I love most of my friends. I'm starting to realize the people who are really my friends and not just friends when it's convenient for them. I'm starting to really get excited for my life after college. I'm going to be extra prepared for GTC this year, and I can't wait to move out of Columbus and go elsewhere! Ah!

In short, life is good. I'm just too lazy to persue a relationship. Besides, let's be real. I really just want something old back. I guess we'll see. Life has a funny way of working itself out the way it's supposed to.

on keeping busy.

I find it ironic that during the semester, all I can think is, "Oh GOD I wish it were summer. All I want is to sleep and to play at the pool and to fart around and do nothing!" but now that summer is here and these options are available to me, nay! they are a part of my daily life - I feel like such. a. bum.

Luckily, I start working at Activ8 next week! I'm excited because it's a dance class that I'm teaching. Hooray! I love that.

Also, I'm planning on bleaching my counters and possibly floor of my kitchen today... And my parents brought me paint and canvas from home! HOW PERFECT for a project for the next two days =) I'm tres excited!

I miss a certain someone a lot. But I know in my heart that things aren't totally horrible. It's just rough right now. Ah, for it to be later this month!

on normalcy.

I once said, "normalcy eludes me."

I'm pretty sure that's true. It's funny because I feel like I have all the potential to be a happy, normal person. But alas, I feel like such an objective observer to my life sometimes that I just make these bizarre choices that don't really make much sense.

It's like, "oh, well this should be interesting."

That's the fascinating thing about the emotional disconnect I've been feeling lately.

In other words... MY LIFE. IS. BIZARRE.
Explanation to come, I'm sure.