finishing my sentences.

I'm tired.

of not getting enough sleep.

of feeling like your problems are my fault.

of missing you.

of feeling insecure about my body.

of feeling like a peice of meat.

of climbing uphill.

of getting hurt (physically and emotionally).

of realizing that sometimes your friends aren't really your friends.

of feeling like a stupid actor.

of being tired.

I wish.

that I could fast forward through this semester (not because it's bad, but because I am, in fact, tired.)

that I could come to peace with things.

that I could be better with my body.

that I knew exactly where I would be living in the next year.

that I had a puppy to play with when I come home from a long grueling day.

that I had a new phone.

I can't...

really have any of that.

but of course,

the glass is always half full.

I love.

Machinal tech week.

my wonderful roommate, Janine.

feeling healthier by making better choices.

getting to know people in the department who used to just be acquaintences.

staying up late to talk to my friends.

doing something I'm not necessarily good at, but finding some sort of reward in it (stage management).

my friends who support me and love me.

my family.

pretty much the world.

I think I just need more sleep, and a little bit better perspective.

on taking the first steps.

I feel like I can't have what I want anymore.

I want to eat so very healthy. I want to just eat whole grain things or fruits or nuts and be so healthy! I want to just drink water! If I could live this life where I would only eat what was good for me and I would only drink water and I would excercize every day, I WOULD. I just don't feel like it's plausible, for many reasons. The first is money: I don't have enough money to go purchase health food right now! I want to have a stock of fruit and organic things to munch on when I'm hungry that I won't have to feel guilty about.

I want to work out too. I want to have the time and energy to. I plan on getting up early and meeting Andrew for a morning (10AM haha) run tomorrow and trying to do that every Monday and Wednesday. It's easier than working out at night, and I think if someone else is motivating me to do it I actually might do it, haha. So yeah. It's just hard to motivate yourself to work out when you have class all day and rehearsal all night - it's actually really close to impossible. But I am going to do it.

Why this sudden change? Well, Lindsay let me start reading through her copy of Skinny Bitch at Machinal tech. Now - don't get all up in arms. I know that from the title it seems like it would be a book advocated eating disorders and glorifying that only thin people are beautiful - it's really not. Basically, the book is like talking to your really well-educated about the food industry girlfriend. (Also very educated about your anatomy and health!) In just the first few chapters, I really feel like I can never look at processed foods again. I'm giving up (fairly successfully so far) Coca-Cola ("liquid satan" as they refer to it as) and just trying to avoid over-processed foods. After what I read in the past few days, I really don't think I'll ever look at food the same way. Truthfully. What really just blows is that organic food is so expensive. =[

I know - I'm not fat. I know I don't necessarily NEED to lose weight. I am aware of this - but I am not trying to really lose weight. I am trying to lead a healthier lifestyle. I guess this is what leads to me to what I think is the last inhibitor - lack of support? I know that sounds bitchy. I feel like when I'm talking about this stuff (albeit it's only been about three days), people are looking at me like I'm nuts, or thinking that I'm being stupid because I'm not fat, but I just want people to support this decision! I need help fighting off my Coca-Cola addiction and I really do want to lead a long, healthy life. I've already screwed with my system enough over the past twenty years, why not detox now and start my life anew?

I'm also not saying I'm totally going to change what I eat - I'm still going to go to free dinner or out to eat with everyone! I just am going to make better choices, not eat as much fast food, not eat as much CRAP basically. Also, the working out is important.

Hopefully a few weeks from now this won't all prove to be another phase for me. Please support me, I really want to do this.

I feel like I'm back to my old self in the dating department again, and I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not.

Machinal opens this week. I'm freaking psyched! [=

You're pretty cool.

the road goes on.

Machinal tech has begun. It's surprisingly not as bad as I thought it would be - but I think that's because the technical team is awesome! Also, some of the things that I thought would be awkward aren't. Mostly because I am finally pretty much over Brian. Though that doesn't make it any easier to avoid the awkwardness of my weird fellow castmates! (haha, you all know to whom I refer. awkward!)

I haven't listened to Lord of the Rings: The Musical in forever, but I am so digging it right now.

I'm starting to feel so much less needy in the "love" department. I am definitely in the "physical gratification" phase though, and I feel the need to pointlessly make out with people (bad phase!) but it's better than the moping phase! It's nice to be back to the "okay with being on my own" phase too.

I started skimming through Lindsay's copy of "Skinny Bitch" today. I want to read the entire thing. I want to live my LIFE by that book. Seriously? If I could afford to start just eating so much healthier now, I would. Also, I am working (once again) to cut coke out of my life. it's actually a lot more successful this time though. I'm having one a day in actuality, it almost gives me a headache to HAVE caffeine at this point, and I sleep a lot better at night. I would love to lose some pounds and be healthier as well. I really just need that book lol.

Well, that's life really. School is hectic as usual. Machinal tech. Picking myself back up again. You know how it goes.

new soul.

so things are getting better. no, they really are. I don't feel like the walls are pressing in on me as much as before (though I still have a lot to do.).

• SITUATIONS: A Contemporary Love Story Ballet. It's over! I can't even fathom that it happened, honestly. It was well-received, and I pretty much just feel like a proud mama [= Thankfully though, I'll have a few extra hours each day now that it's over. Hooray!
• Machinal is finally merging on tech week! We'll be in the space tomorrow, and yesterday was the really stressful day of understudy run (when I had to go in for Carrie as the Stenographer), so that's over too! Hoorah! I think it's crew watch on Wednesday or Thursday as well... so strange! But after Machinal is over, my schedule will be CONSIDERABLY free-er.
• One Acts - are actually going rather well. I don't feel totally incompetant as a stage manager (I have at some points during this process), and it's not as stressful as I had originally percieved it.
• MAYMESTER! Yayyy. So while I was planning on staying for Maymester anyway, I auditioned for the show that we are producing here at CSU - and I got cast! Granted, my role as "The Dancer" has no lines, but I am onstage a lot and I get to dance with an IV post! Hah! It's gonna be nuts. Also, I am understudying the Woman, who is the lead character [= ALSO, I pretty much adore everyone else in the cast. I'm pretty freaking psyched actually. Plus, it won't be a long rehearsal process, so it won't be so torturous. And it will be during maymester, when I might take one class (might not actually)... so I won't be nearly as stressed out! HOORAY. what what.
• The only really stressful thing is my living situations - it's creeping up that we need to find some place to move and soon! So nerve wracking. Oh well, it'll fall in place, I'm sure.

Well, that's basically it. Life is busy. Life is hectic. I miss having money. I miss my phone. My dad is getting me a blackberry [=. I'm pretty much always tired or cracked out on caffeine. One or the other [=

I like you. Incredibly unexpectedly. Awkward.
I love you. (Always have.)
<3

I can feel it.

it's all gonna work out [=

I just need to be calm until it does, that's all.

fast forward to may please?

too little butter over too much bread.

so I just paid $2,300 dollars on this summer's trip to Germany.

I can't be more thrilled at the idea of going.

It will be so nice to get out of the country! It will be nice to not be working on eight million shows at once (not that I don't like working on shows, I do!). I took on WAY too much this semester, and I'm starting to run ragged because of it. Now, I usually handle stress pretty well. I'll whine and bitch and be like "I'm stressed!" but it doesn't affect the way I feel overall (well, a little.) but this? right now? I'm a dumbfuck for taking all this on! HAH. Truth. I'm just tired, is all.

At either rate, Germany will be oh-so wonderful, with my wonderful Cassie, and the wonderful Shane! WONDEROUS. (that's not a word, I'm aware, but I've used it a lot lately.)

So here's another convenient list of what's going on in my life, since it seems to be the way I think when I'm stressed:

• Machinal - I think it's going well, personally. I'm excited for Understudy run coming up, because I really want to show that I've been working! Basically, I'm so happy to be working with these people, but like every show, it gets to the point where you just want to skip to tech week! Impatience overtakes me frequently.
• Situations - IS COMING UP ON MONDAY. asdfghkll;! Haha, I'm actually really excited. The only thing I'm really nervous about is transitions and the tech part coming through. But I think it will! And once it's over, I'll be much happier.
• One Acts - Stage Managing is not my thing. End of story. I'll do it, because I have to and luckily I'm working with all people I adore, but I feel totally incompetant and it's just sad. Also, my Brittish accent could use a bit of work, hah!
• MY FREAKING PHONE. Well, my phone, Mario Lopez, who I adored, died. I'm sad to report this news. He would no longer charge, for some strange reason. SO! Now I've switched to Laura's old Venus phone, which wouldn't be so bad except that it's pretty much broken by way of text messaging, which is the real reason I even have a phone, duh. ;] At either rate, I'll probably switch back to an old flip phone for a month or so until we can upgrade to something nice. (Hopefully a Blackberry or something of that nature!) I just need to text! It's so disabling.
• Class goes alright.

Basically, I'm more than just moderately exhausted, and I am starting to wear thin.

Plus, there's no food in our apartment and I'm fucking starving.

I just want snuggles and some good Cajun cooking! Is that too much to ask for?!

luck of the Irish?

basically, Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

one of my FAVORITE holidays... too bad I'll be in rehearsal/class all day!