slow dancing in a burning room.

Fighting back anger last night because I essentially stayed up late to be completely ditched for whatever reason, I realized some things about myself.

1. I'm really impressionable. Must not give into demands of people, no matter how cute or charismatic they are.
2. I'm probably in over my head with my schoolwork this semester. Must stay on top of things.
3. I can run on about two hours of sleep. That doesn't mean I should.
4. I miss hanging out with Caleb. A lot. Probably more than I reasonably should. He was my best friend in Germany and I just miss talking to him.

I'm really worried about my friend Scott. In reality, I've been having a really emotional weekend but I honestly have no idea what I would do if something happened to him. I wish I could be visiting him today with everyone else, but I can't be. =(

wake up, it's morning.

well, a little past 12 in the morning. but metaphorically.

Things are better than they have been in a long time.

Here are things I'm happy about:

• Footloose! is pretty fun, so that's gravy. I'm meeting new people, making new connections, etc.
  
• losing weight
• finally being happy being single.
• Rediscovering my passion for theatre. I'd been so caught up in my weird personal life that I almost forgot what I really loved.
• NO SHAME writing meetings really bring me a lot of creative juices that I never thought I would get flowing!
  
• dancing all the time =) endorphins make you happy!

Yeah, I don't have much to say. Life is back to the grind, but I'm pretty happy. I feel like I just came out from underneath this pile of sand and I'm suddenly awake and now art, and writing, and music, and theatre, and dance all seem new and beautiful again.

It's really very great.

the joy and the fear.

I hate the stress of checking my email.

I'm not kidding - it literally makes my heart skip a little bit and I get a little sweaty just waiting for my stupid colstate.edu email to load. I think it's some subconscious belief that I'll receive some email that will inform me that everything I'm doing is all in vain. That I won't graduate on time, that I'm failing a class, that I owe them money, that they're kicking me out of school, YOU NAME IT. I have imagined it while waiting for my email to load. I'm not sure where that belief stems from, but I literally feel like that every time I check my email. Every. Time. (even in the summer when I know I won't be receiving anything!)

And thus starts a new academic year at CSU for me. It's funny, because in the past two years that I've been here in Columbus studying theatre, I've felt virtually the same. I look the same (Short red hair. Somewhere between 130 and 150 pounds. Huge boobs. Blue eyes. Big nose. Fun fashion.), I'm doing the same things, I'm pining after the same things, I'm just... the same. But you know what's weird? I feel really different this year.

I've been trying to take the past week or so to do some self-evaluation. This summer has been one of a lot of new experiences for me (not all of which have to do with being abroad.) I feel like I am just a richer person for going to Germany, for being friends with the people I'm friends with, for FINALLY finding forgiveness, for learning to be myself alone.

Getting to the point: I have totally different goals now. Other times I've always been hoping to meet someone who will sweep me off my feet, and hey - I've been swept! And then dropped. And honestly? I don't need it now! I don't need heartache - this is my time to shine! This is my time to dedicate to my art, this is my time to learn as much as I can. (Mind you, this is a conclusion I came to earlier today. I may get needy when that time of the month rolls around again!) I'm ready to just keep working on things.

And I am really excited about directing class specifically. I think it'll be something fresh and new for me to look at in theatre, and while I KNOW it's going to be a ton of work, I think I am ready for it!

Even though checking my email will still stress me out.

the story of my life. (or, moving on.)

I didn't want to see him yesterday. I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy for him, to explain how badly I wanted to be friends with him, I didn't want that. I just wanted to continue living my life without seeing him ever.

But I had to see him. And I did. And I gave him my fake schpiel about how happy I was "blah blah blah" and he managed to insult me within three minutes of seeing him (unintentionally of course, he's a sweet guy underneath it all.) and managed to assume that anything I wanted to talk to him about was about his new relationship (which it really wasn't. I really wanted to talk about the future of OUR friendship and if there even was one.)

And I came to this conclusion - it's not going to change. He's not going to wake up one day and care about me as much as I cared about him.

And then I came to the next conclusion - I don't care about him as much as I used to. (this is the big one.) It's not that I don't want him to be happy, I just don't think that as a part of my life I need to be yearning for his approval anymore.

So yeah. I care about him, and he is my friend. But we're never going to be best friends. It will always be a little bit tainted with how he broke my heart and made me feel as though I wasn't good enough. And that's fine. I don't resent him, I don't want anything bad for him. I just know that I can move on with my life.

Finally.

I was down and I did not understand
Was afraid couldn't wash it off my hands
So I rose and I flew right from that place
Got my wish that I'll never be the same
Then I was alone
- Guster's "I'm Through"

----

Thus starts a new year. A new time, I suppose. I'm different. I'm happy again. Maybe I'm starting out the year as the only single girl in my apartment, maybe I'm feeling a little blue because I can never seem to keep a man interested very long. But you know what? That's FINE. I'm fine.

Because honestly? I would rather be alone than be the basketcase I was last semester. Truthfully, I was a total wreck. And I never want to spend another morning waking up in tears because I don't want to get out of bed or get dressed. I WANT to be happy. I want to choose what I do and who I hang out with.

And who knows? Someone might come along. Someone might stand up to the plate. But if they don't? I'll be fine. There are lots of really cool, happy, single people in the world.

And plus, hot sex with random strangers is still an option.... JUST KIDDING.

These are the thoughts on my mind, but only considering romance. Obviously there is other stuff going on as well.

Love you kids.

and the living is easy. (or, a retrospective look at my summer.)

So I think I can count this as one of the best summers of my life. Really - while not everything may have been perfect, I have really had an awesome time. Just a quick review of all the wonderful things I've done/learned:

• Fly Over Land! I can barely even feel like that was this summer. It just seems like ages ago now... it was a good experience. Very different, to say the least! But I loved everyone I was working with, so all is well in that department. Understudying is never as rewarding as actually having the part, but I did get to dance so that was excellent! =)
• I moved into my new apartment! I have bills and things now... that's different. It's a weird "growing up" thing that I never thought would actually happen, but it has. It's strange.
• I went to Saint Augustine with Anna! While that may not be the most "productive" or "life-changing" part of my summer, it was really very fun. I am really not very good at just relaxing and hanging out or vacationing at all, so it was good for me I think. Plus, I got to spend time with one of the people I rarely get to spend a lot of time with and we had a blast =)
• Of course, need I mention that I got to go to four different countries this summer? Three of which I had never been to! Germany, the Netherlands, Belgium, and France! Exciting!
• I got lost on the German railway system. Way to go me! Once alone and once with Caleb. I think it was scarier by myself though =P
• I learned a lot this summer actually, in class. I was really not aware of how much Germany contributed to modern theatre and now I'm really very fascinated with a lot of it. Specifically, I would like to read more Brecht than I have and actually be able to analyze it in terms of what Epic Theatre is rather than just say "Oh I don't like this..." You know?
• I also learned a lot about Beethoven... and I would just like to say that I love his music. Seriously, love.
• I saw some crazy German Cirque-Du-Soleil type show with a pool and chandelier and strippers... what?!
• I am pretty much completely over the idea of Brian altogether. It may have taken forever, but I finally am DONE being mad about it. It's nice to be able to forgive people and move on. Finally. Took me long enough, I suppose.
  
• I got nine credit hours done this summer - GO ME.
• I lost nine pounds. Hooray! I'm generally a lot healthier than I was, and hopefully since I am going to be dancing literally every single day for the next few weeks, I'll keep the weight off! (not to mention I've been eating TONS healthier, despite the ice cream of Konigswinter!)
  
• Oh, I should probably mention this too - Footloose! I auditioned at the Springer and I got into a show that will be going up this fall. It's pretty awesome to me because I really was kind of getting into that grumpy not-in-a-show-so-the-world-is-a-horrible-place mode that I sometimes go into when it's been about a month or two since I've been onstage... Hah! True story.

In general, the summer has been great. I've learned a lot (not just academically - also things like "stay in groups at train stations!" and "learn to let it go" are very important) and I've worked a lot. Maybe it wasn't the summer I originally had planned, but it really was amazing. I have a lot to look forward to this coming year as well - so I guess my little life adventure goes on.

peace out girl scout.

don't you try to rain on my perfect day... (or one really obnoxiously positive blog.)

I am in love with the scent of Suave Color Care Shampoo. No lie. It smells so good to me. I ended up buying it because I've dyed my hair, once again, to a darker shade of red. Of course it will probably fade back to its favorite shade - strawberry blonde - pretty quickly, but I have high hopes that with a little help from Suave, it'll stay a little longer.

So a lot of exciting things are on the verge right now... but at the same time, I'm so not looking forward to the start of semester.

I just don't want to be stressed out, is all =)

But guess what? I got cast in Footloose! at the Springer! How exciting! I'm happy because it means that I'll have rehearsals to go to in the evenings, and I'll have somewhere to be! And I'll be onstage! And I'll be doing my favorite things - singing and dancing! Hooray!

And also, assistant teaching tap class, taking directing, going back to acting class, and all of that.

Let's be real - I'm just ready to get back into theatre again. Hooray!

And I think that if something good in the "love life" department happens, then I'll be happy - but if it doesn't work out (which it very well may not. though it may!), I'll also be happy just to be me.
I love my life. Sometimes things are hard - money can be difficult. But in general, I am excited for my life. =)
Love you.

and don't you feel like coming home? (or, the last half of my Germany documentation)

FORWARD: I totally got bad about keeping up with this. So forgive the dates and everything being all screwy. Or the lack of description lol.

15 July 2009

"Dang. I am so behind on this."

That is the phrase I just uttered to myself.

There are several days which I need to update about, including the cruise down the Rhine and our trip to Paris!

The first thing I really need to update about is the Rhine Cruise. It was, of course, picturesque and fabulous. The Rhine itself is a very beautiful river - but you SHOULD know that. We went a museum about the bridge that allowed the allies to enter Germany during WWII and then we went to the town of Linz. Linz is really pretty, but most notably (in my book) is home to the best street musician I have ever seen sitting under a bridge playing the violin!

All in all, a rather picturesque vision of Germany on that day.

The next thing I would love to update you about is our trip to PARIS. (Love!) Now, on my life to do list "spend more time in Paris" was there, which I mentally crossed off and added "spended even MORE time in Paris!" because I love it that much. It would be really lovely to actually be able to spend more time relaxing there though instead of having to see all the big monuments.

On the first day (Thursday), we got up pretty early and headed down to the tourist station. Here we got our rail passes (Paris has the best metro system ever), maps, figured out what we wanted to do, etc. Then we hopped on the metro (did I mention how freaking awesome the metro is?) and went to the Sacre Couer Basilica. Which was beautiful, of course. On the way up we noticed a lot of vendors selling little Eiffel Tower keychains, and little light up statues of the Eiffel Tower, etc. At this point, these men meant nothing to us, but they would soon become a huge part of our Parisian lives! However, on the way back down, we were BOMBARDED by a group of men from what I can only guess was Africa who mauled us, tied strings around Caroline and my fingers, proceeded to make a bracelet and then charged us a ridiculous amount. I ended up talking him out of the ten euro he wanted from me to just give him five and ran, but somehow they convinced poor Caroline I gave him eight so she gave him eight! Sigh. I'm out five euro... but it's a moderately good story, I suppose!

After that we hopped back on the metro (bomb!) and then we stopped by for literally maybe five minutes to take a picture of the Moulin Rouge. Haha. No lie, five minutes.

THEN We located the Paris Opera House. Now, this was an incredible experience! It was GORGEOUS for one thing, only four euro entrance fee to poke around, and there is so much history there! Incredible. Pictures to come, of course.

After that, we found the Musee D'Orsay and spent the afternoon getting lost in the works of art. I really enjoyed the Degas that was there, and I do always love museums. =)

The next day - we got up and had to check out of our first hotel. Then we went to Notre Dame (carrying all our things) Also beautiful. Outside of the cathedral there are gyspy beggar women everywhere that will ask you if you speak English (they prey on American tourists!) and then hold up a card that basically will tell you they're starving, etc. Now, this would be sad if only one of them did it, but since they seem to be a coalition. Seriously - at one point we saw them congregating in the streets. COALITION.

But really - the depravity of homelessness in Paris was just heartbreaking.

Well after the Notre Dame, we found a little cafe where we went for crepes. This is the part of the story where Caroline had a smackdown with a French waiter. I mean, WWF style. Just kidding. But there was a little tiff over the tip! Haha. It was actually a little scary but we got out of it.

Then we spent the day just hanging out. We strolled down the Champs Elysee. Then we went to the Eiffel Tower that night. Now - ironically we were all speaking in British dialect (since we thought it would get us better service haha) and we met some Americans who thought we WERE British. We talked to them for awhile too! Hah!

The view from atop the Eiffel Tower is incredible. I'm not going to lie, I was a little scared going on the way up, but it turned out alright in the end. In fact, it was incred! The lights of the city are gorgeous at night.

The next day was the day we spent at the Louvre. MY GOD THAT MUSEUM IS HUGE. We all split up in the morning when we got there and met up one more time and then met up when we were done. I was kind of moody all day, so it was lucky we were split up. However, I did get cheered up by this one thought - I realized how much HISTORY I was standing in. Not just the history of art but the history of HUMANITY. It was really an incredible realization. Sometimes I think I just get so excited to know that I'm a part of this huge long story that just keeps on going. Incredible.

"and then the surrealists said, 'no I'm melting!'" - Kate.

22 July 2009

I am literally the worst at logging things ever. Let's see - what have I done since I got back from Paris? A whole lot is what!

Well, we had an entire week of class for one thing. We went to go see a Variety show/Cabaret in Cologne too. It was interesting, but I felt like it was just a small community theatre thing. But at the same time - that's interesting to me because that's where I myself am at in life right now - community theatre. So that was pretty cool.

But the big thing that we did was that this past weekend we all went to Berlin. Well, I would say that we took the train to Berlin but in reality, THEY took a train to Berlin and I took a different train (or two trains...) to Berlin.

What had actually happened was that I got on the wrong train and went to Dusseldorf instead. Yes, you read that right. I got on the wrong train and went to Dusseldorf instead. WHAT? Luckily, I met up with them in the train station and we made it to the show on time.

Qi was really excellent! It was basically like Cirque du Soleil with... ice and a pool and chandaleir and... Germans. Haha. It was really good though!

I loved Berlin! We took an awesome free tour, and it was just so interesting with all the history about Berlin. They architecture there is also to die for. Though, I think I feel that way because it was just so effective. Things like the Jewish Museum or the Holocaust Memorial are just so damn effective.

We also went on a pub crawl in Berlin. too much fun!

27 July 2009

Happy Birthday Brian and Jamie!

"Hi I'm Mrs. Caroline Alt-Delete!" (pause) "But my husband's name would be Control and I don't know if I'd like that..."
- Caroline

ADDED AFTER I GOT HOME:

Well, after the weekend in Berlin we had yet another week of class, but on Thursday we (the theatre five and Kate) headed up to Ghent for the street theatre festival there. It was actually pretty awesome. There was a puppet show thing that was pretty cool, but what I really loved was this circus act we saw called "ComeBack". It was pretty awesome, no lie!

That night though was an adventure. We went to go find our hostel, but when we got the address we could not locate anything that looked like a hostel. We went back to the Marriot where Kate was staying and then we were in formed by the concierge that our hostel was in fact... on a boat. WHAT?! Haha, so we ended up staying on a boat hostel in Ghent. Pretty cool, but also pretty confusing.

And then the next day when we woke up, Caleb and I headed off to Brussels. I can't lie and say that this wasn't totally my favorite weekend of the trip. Essentially, we just wandered around the city, ate some tasty Thai food, discussed our new life plan for hours (I even came to accept it as reality for a little while hah.), ate in many parks, and read to eachother. It really was a lovely, relaxing weekend. (Oh, we also stayed at the Best Western - best part!)

And then we had finals (which went well) and I came home.

And here I am. I have so many mixed feelings about being home. Like, I'm happy. I'm happy to be able to use my phone again, to be able to talk to my friends, use the internet (without much difficulty), and to be in the south where everyone speaks to me in English, but there are a few things I miss: doner kebab! 70 cent ice cream, trains, spending my time with Caleb (that's just true. I miss him.), my new friends (especially Danielle!), the excitement of just BEING in Europe, being able to legally order alcoholic beverages.

Ah, but school starts back soon. So we shall see where my next adventure takes me. I'm pretty content with my life right now, truth be told, and I'm just hoping it lasts into the semester. I'm excited about assistant teaching tap class, auditioning for the spring (I just have a really good feeling! if nothing comes of it, then c'est la vie, but I just really feel good), directing class (I know it'll be hard work, but I'm still pumped!), getting back to acting class, and just getting back to working on theatre things in general. I'm excited to see my friends, to go to parties, and to have my entire shoe collection in my grasp again!

=) So that's that. Love you kids.