Impending.

School starts on Monday. It's the very last time that this will ever happen to me (pending that I attend grad school, but I highly doubt it.). I'm kind of amazed. It's such a surreal feeling, knowing that in less than a year I will be a "real" adult. Strange, isn't it?

I'm really excited about the school year starting though. I'm excited to start working on Aesop's Fables too! Two of my lovely roommates are working on Spelling Bee right now and I'm so jealous because I want to be starting rehearsals too! Haha, it's funny how you crave for time off but once you have it, you're desperate for it to end.

At either rate, I really think doing tour will be a very good experience for me. It will make me more adaptable, I think. And force me to go to bed earlier. Haha, no for real. I'm stoked.

What I am not stoked about is my American Government class... le sigh.

A lot of my friends will be back in town tomorrow =) For this, I feel a lot of joy.

eclectically speaking.

There is a cat that lives at my parents' condo. It's technically my younger sister's cat, but she hasn't been home in two years, so I'll count it as my parental units' cat. It's name is Bright Eyes, but I've always called it "Worm" (Did you read The Witches of Worm as a child? I did! And let me tell you, I was scarred for life.) or even more commonly, "Psycho Kitty". What is wrong with this cat? I have no idea. It literally hates me. Even though I am quite loving when it comes to cats! I have a cat, if you don't know (which, if you're my friend, you should know, but if you didn't...) named Hepcat. This cat, however, decides to stare at me from down the hallway until I decide to stare back, and then? It runs away. No real explanation at all.

I am baffled by this behavior.

I have a Blackberry Curve, but I still am more than a little dependent on a day planner to write down all my appointments. I recently purchased a pink one and I'm moderately obsessed with it.

I wish people appreciated the value of the joy that glitter can bring, instead of feeling responsible all the time.

My family drinks a lot of boxed wine. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty obsessed with it myself. How delightful to be able to have just one more glass after dinner without worrying about the bottle, etc.

It hurts my feelings when people decide that my friendship is not worthwhile. It's happened twice, perhaps three times (though I'm sure that this person is going through a phase right now. he and I have phases.) just this summer. I'm a devoted friend. Maybe I'm not always immediately there, or available for hanging out, but I love my friends fiercely. There was a time that I would have called one of these people I feel that I've lost my best friend, but I'm starting to see that she hasn't considered me to be her best friend in a very long time. It's such a hard thing, letting go of friends. It's not like when you lose a lover - it's so easy to be mad about that, or to understand why they wanted out. But friends? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just too loyal about these things. Maybe I'm just deluded. I realize that this part of my rant makes about zero sense but I'm kind of just unleashing here. Is there some big cosmic chart that keeps track of points between people that I am unaware of? Is it bad that I put my studies, and therefore my craft before everything else? Is it possible that I'm unable to connect? I'm so frustrated sometimes because it feels like I talk and talk and talk but I never really truly say anything, and the number of people who really understand me are becoming so very few.

On the flipside of that, I have made some wonderful NEW friends (and reinforced some old ones) in the past several weeks. Spending time with them has really brought me such joy. I only wish that I would have hours every day to spend with them once school begins. The joy of summer can never last forever, but I will always remember these people, who helped make one of my shittiest summers end so wonderfully.

I really love coffee. It's delightful, delicious, and delovely. I don't know if I could actually wake up if not for it. And on the plus side, I saw on television the other day that caffeine doesn't actually de-hydrate you. I've been really worried about dehydration lately, because I think it's one of my biggest health risks, considering that I'd much rather any other beverage than water a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong, I love water,but I also love, juice, coke, wine, beer, mix drinks, etc.... Just not milk. But anyway, the point is that I'm becoming one of those adult type people who brews a pot of coffee in the mornings and really really really relishes in drinking it.

There aren't words to express how excited I am about starting back school, on that note. While I know that life will become really very stressful ALL OVER AGAIN... it's my last school year. Pretty much ever. And I'm excited to start working on theatre related things again, and really feeling like I'm a part of something bigger than myself. Not just the department - but the entire art of theatre.

It's so strange to think how much it's changed me. I guess that's a weird thought, but if something's ever changed you as much as theatre has changed me... then you'd understand. It moves me, it expresses me, it pushes me to do things, it challenges me, it makes me think... it's really everything. I know that sounds stupid and idealistic, but a part of me will always be in love with it. In absolute love.

I'm really enjoying The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I want my own copy. In fact, I may buy one tomorrow, just so I can takes notes in it.

I really want some dark chocolate to go with this red wine.

and eclectically speaking, I'm doing quite well.

in retrospect, life is good.

For the past few days, things have been going really well. I've been having packed days full of fun times with really good people. I've been reading good books, playing outside, going on double dates, and just generally having a great time. It really is starting to feel like summer.

I think this is because of the people I've been surrounding myself with. I'm not dogging on my friends who do this, because I clearly love them a lot, but I had been spending a lot of time drinking and smoking earlier in the summer and just being generally irresponsible just in order to forget my problems (ie. missing caleb, missing brian, falling apart in general). But lately I've been just having a lot of really good, clean fun. And who knew? I feel a lot better.

Generally, I'm smiling. I hope you are too, friends!
School is back soon.

The Artistic Drive Conundrum.

If I have been confused about everything in my life, theatre has never come into question. I feel like it is the most beautiful, life changing art form and I have never been happier (albeit, stressed out) than when I have dedicated my entire life to it. I'm driven. I want to create, I want to be successful in my college department, I want to learn as much as humanly can.

So why does it feel like no one but other theatre people can understand that? I figure if you have some sort of passion in your life, you can get it. But it just seems to me like everyone thinks that I'm just nuts half the time, completely wasting my life away on a major that will probably not make me any money. Maybe I SHOULD have majored in business or pre-med. Maybe I should have just gone the way of most of my high school friends and tried to pick something where I can make money. I guess then I'd be more relatable and available to "hang out".

But I'm happy now. I feel like I made the right choice to do something that is making me feel a sense of real fulfillment for once in my sorry consumerist American life. And I'm GLAD I go to a competitive school where I have to slave away to accomplish things. It makes me feel like I'm prepared to work even HARDER when I get out to the real world.

I would rather spend my life waiting tables and just making ends meet and doing something that I truly feel passionate about than spend 9 to 5 in a cubicle, running coffee errands or filling out paperwork for the rest of my life.

I just wish my other friends could understand that.

in case you were interested.

Healthy Amounts of Absurdity.
for more of my daily, pointless thoughts.

restless.

Nick: I think I've got restless heart syndrome. That's why I'm a lover.
Me: I've got restless everything syndrome. That's why I'm not.

Now, while I won't talk about Nick's assessment of himself (haha), I think this conversation accurately sums up a lot about me. It was just a thought I had during that conversation, and I think it's very true. I tend to get restless. It's a constant feeling I have, not something that really goes away unless I find something very "true". And even then, I can convince myself that there is something better out there. Well, maybe better isn't the right word... maybe "different" and "new" are better words. I tend to want to run the second anything gets really serious, and I always make these weird arbitrary decisions and screw things up. I always convince myself that I want something then I all of a sudden just don't. It's the way of the world, I guess. I'm a restless soul.

I think it'll be my new adjective to describe myself - restless.

only the good die young.

lately, my taste in music has become so eclectic. I find myself oddly relating to the song "only the good die young" by billy joel.

I have always loved the song, but it's the first time I actually found some way to relate to it, haha. Weird.

Things have been okay. Strange, but okay. I wouldn't classify this summer as one of the best of my life, but then maybe it's hard to live up to studying abroad with a guy who I would later develop feelings for. I'm just working a lot, hanging out with my friends, and pretty much actually enjoying being single. Don't get me wrong, I miss Caleb more than life sometimes. It will just sneak up on me like when I'm trying to fall asleep and my whole chest will feel like it's about to collapse in because I'll feel myself reverting... but I'm not sure if that's where I am meant to be right now. Who knows? I have always believed that things work out the way they are supposed to. Sometimes, I have to remind myself of that, but it's really the only way I think I won't spend my whole life completely hating myself for making what I like to refer to as "random arbitrary decisions". In my mind, mistakes are rare.

But you know... life just keeps going. Who knows?