(not) another brick in the wall.

The concept of "cool" has always eluded me...

In elementary school, I can remember that I literally WANTED to be nerdy. I think it had something to do with the way I idolized my older sister (hey, I'm willing to admit that I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread for a good portion of my youth!) and the way she was so smart, but I really had a desire to wear glasses and braces and to dress a little dorky. It also could be attributed to my rebellious streak (I have one, believe it or not). However, being "cool" was definitely not something that I even began to care about in those days. "Cool" to me was going into the swamp or studying spiders or reading a book in one day. But then, I was a really weird kid. I liked to go out and pretend to be in a fort in the woods, I liked to put on talk shows in my living room, I was pretty sure there was nothing cooler than THAT.

I think the only time it occurred to me that I really genuinely cared about being popular or cool was when I hit those awkward pre-teen middle school years. But what can I say? Braces, frizzy hair (I had yet to discover heat styling...), clothes from Goody's, and acne just weren't the "cool thing" at the time, so I was pretty much SOL. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't miserable all those years because I had such great friends, lalala, but I will say that those years of ugly duckling syndrome definitely made an impression on me. Being the "ugly" or "weird" girl always sort of haunts me, even today. It really was just an awkward time for me - going through puberty a little earlier than my peers set my hormones in a rage, and my orthodontist didn't seem to care that I already had glasses and acne to make me a genuine loser, so braces it was! (Though I must admit to being thankful for my delightfully straight smile now!)

And even though my friends from that time still are a big part of my life, and they are probably the best way that I made it through that awkward transitional phase, I know that I was miserable. I find it strangely ironic, considering that I never had planned on being the popular girl in the first place. However, being constantly made fun of to my face by people I barely knew was just.. horrific, really. I'm not sure how I dealt with it in all honesty.

And then there was high school. Yet another transition phase for me, but this time, it was if I were emerging from the cocoon. Luckily for me, I got to start high school in a brand new place - at the school where my mother taught science. Now, I think a lot of kids would have chosen not to attend a school where their parents worked, but I was so desperate for a fresh start I was just going to have to accept the circumstances. Besides, Harlem (which is where I eventually went to school) had one of the best theatre programs in town, and I had always wanted to try my hand at theatre. My super nerdy (yet wonderful!) older sister had really found a home there in the theatre program so I felt like it was worth a shot. So I go to high school there.

Harlem is a small town. There is only one stop light, and a festival dedicated completely to Oliver Hardy once a year. It is a silly, tiny place, but in all honesty, I could not imagine ever being happier in high school. Sure, I had a host of self-esteem issues, but doesn't every fifteen year old? Especially after three years of being made fun of, my appearance became almost an obsession. The funny thing was though, that I was always a bit off of what was cool. I refuse(d) to accept a manikin as a definitive way to dress (and I still do). Instead, I would choose the most bizarre (yes, more bizarre than even now) outlets for my fashion expression. I had a phase where I would only listen to swing music and profusely told people that I had been born sixty years too late, and I had a phase where I wore a pony bead necklace every single day without fail. In fact, one day my drama teacher (who had become a second father to me) said to me, "Could you just not decide what to wear when you woke up this morning?" He was clearly joking, but it still rings true.

As a side note, the one thing that I discovered in high school was the theatre. I found a family there, I found art there, I found joy and self-confidence. Pretty much every actor at some point has this realization that their sole happiness comes from their craft and being onstage, and it really was the way that I discovered how not only to be confident, but also that being myself was once again cool, if only to like ten or so people. Nerdiness and all.

I graduated, never really knowing what it meant to be "cool" from a small town high school where my mom was a teacher, loving theatre (my salvation from the normalcy of every day life), and with bigger dreams than I'd ever had when I was younger.

And then, college. Now "cool" in college is so much different than cool in high school. I'm a theatre major, so everything is pretty warped for us. We live in a giant glass fish bowl, and there really is no way to swim out of it, so these are the people who are here to judge your "cool factor" (so to speak). Things are different. I feel judged more frequently by merit than by my looks (which consequently leads me to feel much less uncomfortable with my own body), and I know that in the long run being "popular" doesn't matter as much as how hard I work and how much drive I have to get what I want.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that conceptually, I'm done with it. I'm completely over what "cool" is. I don't have to like what you like, or wear what you wear, or even care about what you care about. It's not worth my time. I guess everyone goes through this phase, but it finally hit me last night that the whole group mentality thing is not what is important. You just have to remain positive and upbeat, you just have to work hard, you just have to do what you perceive to be the right thing to do - otherwise? You're selling yourself short. There is no mold that we all fit into! You cannot force people to like you by doing what they expect of you because there is no way possible that you are being completely true to yourself.

And isn't that more important?
---

Thoughts from Robin. Stress abounds, I feel very blessed to be living the life that I am.

Walking zombie.

So, I will make a single statement about the current state of my life:

Crazy For You (square that because we're about to go into tech next week) + One Acts + School Work + Money + The Most Confusing Boy Alive = Very on edge Robin.

Ah, I can't wait til we open though!
Until then, I will be a little tense.

But I still love you all!

Hi Robin, this is your life. Welcome back!

So here I sit in the theatre lounge on my little baby netbook, Bonaparte. While I am so happy to have him back, I have to admit that I resent the fact that I am not snoozing at this moment. Why oh why oh why is spring break so teasingly short?!

I pretty much have gone right back into the swing of things - which generally means that I'm in over my head ninety seven percent of the time. Luckily, I have my trusty faith and perseverance on my side. Otherwise I'm not sure I'd make it through. Crazy For You enters tech not this coming weekend, but the next, and quite frankly, we have tons of work to do before then. While I firmly believe in this wonderful cast, I know that it's going to be along haul to get to the point where we want to be by then.

Also, I start rehearsing for my one act tomorrow. I won't lie and say I'm not dying of nervousness. A part of me is totally cool about it, but another part is just freaking out on the inside. But I know that the director has to be the best actor in the room and convince everyone that they know exactly what they're doing... so I'll try to do just that. It will be fun, I just have to get over the initial shock of everything.

Also, I'm starting work on my dance extravaganza pieces a little early this year so that I have time to perfect them instead of throwing them together at the last minute. While that's a very good thing, it also stresses me quite a bit!

Here is a good thing though: I had an excellent day in acting class today. While sometimes I get bogged down with the "real life" situations of the mainstage season or my social life I forget about working on my craft, but I really put the work in on my Spoon River piece and it really paid off. Thank goodness! I had been struggling for awhile with particularization, but now I really feel things starting to click.

Ah, welcome back. Maybe I wasn't QUITE ready, but here is my life. Coming at me head on.
C'est la vie!
love.

life is not about finding yourself.

So. I go back to rehearsing tomorrow, and back to school Monday.

Spring Break has been... well it's been wonderful. It's been relaxing, lovely, all of that. It's helped me clear my mind and reorganize my life. However, I feel like more pressing matters are hovering over my head, ala Crazy for You, Asleep on the Wind, etc... So in a way I am happy to get back to school. I'm super nervous about starting rehearsals for my one act, and I'm super glad Brenda is back and Crazy for You is not leaderless anymore!

On that note, I'm very excited about my life right now. Maybe everything won't work out, but I'm hoping for it to.
Oh, life.

the art of going with the flow.

Honestly, as of lately (especially when it comes to romance) I have been trying to master the art of "going with the flow". I tend to be a super controlling person because in all other aspects of my life, honestly, I have to be. If I'm not controlling, I'll totally forget to do something.

However, there is a point where going with the flow can get you in trouble - both socially and emotionally. I really think I'm feeling more social repercussions right now (and honestly I'm fine with that. I have gotten to the point where I really don't care if people approve of me anymore.) but I'm fearing the emotional ones of my actions now. Right now - I'm fine. I'm just worried about tipping over that edge into emotional meltdown...

Luckily, it's spring break. And all the aforementioned boys have left town! As much as I adore both of them, I'm so happy to have this time to just sit back on my couch, clean my apartment, get my homework/show work done, and SLEEP, and hang out with my friends. So I suppose that going with the flow is alright for now.

I have a lot of thinking to do. Whether or not I decide to take action, I guess we'll see.
Because honestly, I will be fine no matter what. Right?