back in my style.

we both know you're worth so much more.

so I'm sitting here listening to the soundtrack of Legally Blonde, and when "Legally Blonde" comes on, I usually regard it as the saddest song on the CD. However, today, I caught one of the lines that Emmett sings to Elle from behind the door - "We both know you're worth so much more." It made me feel almost warm inside. But that just might be the tea I'm drinking right now.

Lately, I've really been feeling like I relate to Elle Woods. Not that I'm ridiculously pretty - but that people probably underestimate me based on my flighty, fashion-loving, happy personality. But really - what is wrong with keeping it positive? What is wrong with my favorite color being pink? Nothing. Now, if only I had a chihuahua and Emmett Forrest to keep me company at Harvard ;]

jk. But I always look to Elle for encouragement - she really does know where it's at.

and for the record - owning nice clothes and doing your hair and makeup does not make you shallow, it just means that you realize that appearance is part of what makes someone successful, no matter how "shallow" it may seem - it's true. and being happy and friendly is worth it, I think.

'cause nobody screws with somebody who's legally blonde.

we are just breakable girls and boys.

thank you, Ingrid Michaelson, for the past two titles of my blogs.

I'm fine. I promise. I'm pretty sure it's an awful idea to break up with someone when they're in the middle of a nervous breakdown though. I'll be fine. I don't hate Brian, if anything, I miss him. I am, of course, angry. But it's just a phase you have to go through, I think. And I think I'll be angry for a little while longer. I think I'll listen to "Gives you Hell" and "Seventy times 7" a bazillion times before I can really move on and I'll think about spreading nasty rumors or putting laxatives in brownies or something crazy, but I never really would. He really didn't do anything WRONG. But yeah. I miss him.

Yeah, I miss him.

If anything good comes of this - it's nice to feel like I can date people again. It's nice not to feel like I'm destroyed anymore. After Logan, after everything, I felt like a pile of broken organs in a sack of skin. There was nothing that could make me a whole person and no matter how hard I tried, I wanted very much just to rewind back to high school and feel indestructable again.

Putting yourself back together after something like that is hard - and you can't do it with anyone. You have to do it yourself. You have to be beautiful, and you have to be strong, and you have to do it on your own. And I'm proud to say that I did. And I'm glad that when my heart was ready to open up (just a little bit) to the idea of dating again, it was Brian who was there.

Heartache, no matter how big or how little, always destroys you a little bit. Brian bruised my heart, he didn't break it. He's a wonderful person, and there's no way I could be truly mad at him. If nothing else, it was a wonderful month with a wonderful person. I wish I could rewind and live it over and over again, but obviously it wasn't going to work for him. No matter how much my heart longs for that to be different, there's nothing I can do about it. I accept it. I have to pick up my organs, put them back in place, and move on with my life.

I think this is the best perspective I've had since Monday about this situation. Probably because I'm going to be okay. I knew I would.

Other than that, I have: Machinal, Stage Management (AHH STRESS), One Act Auditions, Belly of the Whale, Situations, CLASS CLASS CLASS, money and car problems, my parents moving (I really am more upset about this than I'd like to admit - it makes me feel really childish), friends to keep up with, and of course, recovering from the loss of something in my life that made me truly happy.

I just want to fast forward to the part where we can be friends again. I want to fast forward to the part where I get to sleep in. I want to fast forward to the part where I meet someone new. I want to fast forward past this waking up a tiny bit better each day and go straight to being happy.

Here are my thoughts on happiness - You choose whether or not you are. Sometimes things aren't worth feeling all that pain over. It's okay to brush it to the side and look at the BIG PICTURE. Being happy is easier than people make it out to be. If I were more fatalistic, I'd probably let this nervous breakdown keep me down. I'd probably stop wearing my favorite clothes, and stop eating. (And I can't say I haven't been guilty of the latter for the past few days, but I'm getting better) But I CHOOSE to move on. I CHOOSE happiness. I don't CHOOSE to wallow in self-pity and poetic pain or whatever you think it more beautiful than happiness. That's bullshit. If you don't think that choosing to be happy is real and if you think that no one can choose to be happy every day, you're wrong. Some days are not good. Some days are terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days, but then the next day? the next day is usually better.

The glass is half full, in my book. And I just need to find someone else who agrees.

In general: I miss him, but I'm still happy. I want to fast foward to the part where there isn't pressure in my chest to fight down my general zest for life. I want to fast forward to the part where it's easy to see him again. I want to get to the curtain call of the year, and the kiss at the end of the movie.

And for the record - never think of the long run. There's no such thing. The long run doesn't exist - you might step out into the road and die tomorrow, and then would the suffering of the day before be worth the "long run"? Hell no.

"happiness is the secret to all beauty. there is no beauty that is attractive without happiness." - christian dior.

"I just wanna be okay today."

I am not this girl. I am not this girl who cries for days when she gets dumped. I never have been.

But apparently, I am.

The truth: I really like Brian. More probably than I would want to admit even to him. And him breaking things off doesn't change that. It just pushes my already close to a nervous break down further into the tubes.

It's easier to be okay and pretend like it never happened than it is to face it and break down. I learned that a year and a half ago. Please God, don't let me do that again. So if I'm sad, I'm sorry. If I can't breathe, or if I don't feel like talking, I'm sorry. I just have to be sad right now. And I'm sure that it'll get better soon. But if I'm not sad now, when will I be? Will it be a year later when I suddenly burst into tears and can't move?

I just want him back. I guess that's all.

I had a dream about killing myself last night. It was bizarrely peaceful. I'm not suicidal, I desperately cling to life, and I love most of the things around me. It was just a strange shift in my psyche. I promise I'm not going to kill myself. I just thought I'd include it in the blog. I got 9 hours of sleep. It's easier to sleep than think about things.

I'm not this girl. I never have been.

But then, I guess I am.

the truth: you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

So Brian and I broke up.

It's surreal. I didn't see it coming, but I did. And I knew I was a passing phase.

I usually am. But honestly? I just want to go home.

signed, sealed, delivered!

[=

Happy Valentine's Day!

This is to my friends and family: I love you. You guys are pretty much the only thing in the world I could ever hope to ask for. My friends are what keeps me feeling like being MYSELF (instead of the strange culuturally acceptable version of me) is alright, and I appreciate it more than anything.

I know there are tons of people who hate Valentine's Day, because it just reminds them that they are single and "lonely". But seriously? Take a look around! Valentine's Day doesn't have to be just about the love between a couple, it can be about the love between two best friends, between you and your family. I personally believe that we should celebrate love way more often, and just try to remember - today is about the love. Share it with a friend, or your parents, or even a stranger on the street [= (I met a woman in WalMart the other day and had a twenty minute conversation with her about dogs and decorations that we liked in the homes section. It was nice to just talk to someone new. I never caught her name either.)

Oh, and it's always cool to eat chocolate on this day. ;]

And to that someone special: thanks for being you. <3

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

And if nothing else, you can learn about the history of the holiday!

"Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies."

-Erich Fromm

win some or learn some.

but I won't hesitate no more (no more) - it cannot wait.
I'm yours.

So upon further inspection of the way my life has been going as of late along with my recent thoughts of becoming happier on my own, I've reached several conclusions -

do the things that make you happy. spend time with people who treat you well. don't linger on the bad memories. if you can't fix a problem, just let it go.

They seem like such silly thoughts - they're so obvious! but honestly, until lately I'd been leading my life solely for those around me, and while it seems selfish to lead my life specifically for myself, I don't feel like I'm being any worse of a person, if anything I feel like I'm being more honest with the people who are around me. Let me elaborate on each of these:

one.) do the things that make you happy. this is a big thing for me - I let people talk me into doing things that I don't necessarily really want to do all the time. I'm not talking about doing drugs or breaking the law, but I have spent money I didn't really need or want to spend millions of times before. I think that starting to say "no" is going to be hard for me, but I think in the long run, spending more time doing things that I really actually want to (and can afford to) do will help me find some personal happiness.

two.) spend time with people who treat you well. the biggest, most important of these. I have had friends treat me like crap. Probably because of my inability to say no - but it's time I started standing up for myself. I apologize constantly, and I'm always the one to say I'm sorry, even when I still think I'm right. So now that I have stopped doing that, it's hard because people are upset with me - but when they have no right to be upset, there's nothing I can do about it but lie to them. I plan on being honest from now on. If I'm not sorry, I'm not saying so. If you're treating me like crap, I'm going to stop calling you. End of story.

three.) don't linger on the bad memories. if you were friends with someone, obviously one infraction of friendship should not destroy the entire relationship. remember the good things - I know it's harder, but in the end, everyone goes to bed every night alone and everyone has their own dreams. no one is truly evil, however much we may want to remember a friendship turned sour as something we never truly cherished, I always try to think of that person laying in bed at night, dreaming their dreams and hoping for a better day the next. Just, remember the good things. It will help, I promise.

four.) if you can't fix a problem, let it go. the hardest for me, stop apologizing when you don't mean it. if what you are doing is making you happy, if what you are doing is the right thing to you, don't apologize for it. not everyone is going to be happy with you all the time. that's impossible. you have to decide - what's best for me? and if it makes someone else around you angry with you, you have to trust that if they truly love you, they'll let it go, and so should you.

So those are my "deep" thoughts for the week. I truly love quotations, so here are some words to live by:

"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost."
-H. Jackson Browne

breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel ♥

So I have a cold. I mean, a knock you down, drag you out, make you cough til you hurl into someone's lawn (don't question it) cold. I'm hoping I'm about to get better, but you never know with this kind of thing, in reality. It could be weeks. I'm personally hoping for the next three days, to be honest. I actually got asked to leave class today because I was coughing so loudly! I guess the rest of the world doesn't need the plague, but the class has a "no excused absences" policy, so I had to go!

Other than that, life is pretty good. I found out the other day the show that I'm going to be stage managing for my stage management class (we all have to take this class, and a part of it is actually BEING a stage manager for a one act or an assistant stage manager for a mainstage production), and it's "Riverside Drive"! I'm excited because A number one, it's going to be directed by Megan Noelle, who is fabulous, and B number two, Richard is going to be my co-Stage Manager and I adore him!

Also, things that make me happy, I suppose I could say.... well, there's Brian. [= I really like him, and I SUPPOSE he likes me ;] I mean, it's new. It's exciting. I don't know, it just makes me smile even thinking about it.

I was thinking last night as I lay awake (and I'm sure he was asleep) how serendipidous the entire incident of us "getting together" was. It's like, I finally opened up my heart for real, and something happened. It was time to be over being angry and being hurt. And it was time to stop feeling like someone else had control over my life. It was just time, I guess. I'm really really really in like with this guy. That's all.

Things are going pretty well working on "Situations". I am getting tired, and my brain I think is slowly dying, but things are going pretty well. I just really want everything to just fall into place, you know? But that's asking too much.

In general, things are going really well.

and I'm feeling good.