slow dancing in a burning room.

Fighting back anger last night because I essentially stayed up late to be completely ditched for whatever reason, I realized some things about myself.

1. I'm really impressionable. Must not give into demands of people, no matter how cute or charismatic they are.
2. I'm probably in over my head with my schoolwork this semester. Must stay on top of things.
3. I can run on about two hours of sleep. That doesn't mean I should.
4. I miss hanging out with Caleb. A lot. Probably more than I reasonably should. He was my best friend in Germany and I just miss talking to him.

I'm really worried about my friend Scott. In reality, I've been having a really emotional weekend but I honestly have no idea what I would do if something happened to him. I wish I could be visiting him today with everyone else, but I can't be. =(

wake up, it's morning.

well, a little past 12 in the morning. but metaphorically.

Things are better than they have been in a long time.

Here are things I'm happy about:

• Footloose! is pretty fun, so that's gravy. I'm meeting new people, making new connections, etc.
  
• losing weight
• finally being happy being single.
• Rediscovering my passion for theatre. I'd been so caught up in my weird personal life that I almost forgot what I really loved.
• NO SHAME writing meetings really bring me a lot of creative juices that I never thought I would get flowing!
  
• dancing all the time =) endorphins make you happy!

Yeah, I don't have much to say. Life is back to the grind, but I'm pretty happy. I feel like I just came out from underneath this pile of sand and I'm suddenly awake and now art, and writing, and music, and theatre, and dance all seem new and beautiful again.

It's really very great.

the joy and the fear.

I hate the stress of checking my email.

I'm not kidding - it literally makes my heart skip a little bit and I get a little sweaty just waiting for my stupid colstate.edu email to load. I think it's some subconscious belief that I'll receive some email that will inform me that everything I'm doing is all in vain. That I won't graduate on time, that I'm failing a class, that I owe them money, that they're kicking me out of school, YOU NAME IT. I have imagined it while waiting for my email to load. I'm not sure where that belief stems from, but I literally feel like that every time I check my email. Every. Time. (even in the summer when I know I won't be receiving anything!)

And thus starts a new academic year at CSU for me. It's funny, because in the past two years that I've been here in Columbus studying theatre, I've felt virtually the same. I look the same (Short red hair. Somewhere between 130 and 150 pounds. Huge boobs. Blue eyes. Big nose. Fun fashion.), I'm doing the same things, I'm pining after the same things, I'm just... the same. But you know what's weird? I feel really different this year.

I've been trying to take the past week or so to do some self-evaluation. This summer has been one of a lot of new experiences for me (not all of which have to do with being abroad.) I feel like I am just a richer person for going to Germany, for being friends with the people I'm friends with, for FINALLY finding forgiveness, for learning to be myself alone.

Getting to the point: I have totally different goals now. Other times I've always been hoping to meet someone who will sweep me off my feet, and hey - I've been swept! And then dropped. And honestly? I don't need it now! I don't need heartache - this is my time to shine! This is my time to dedicate to my art, this is my time to learn as much as I can. (Mind you, this is a conclusion I came to earlier today. I may get needy when that time of the month rolls around again!) I'm ready to just keep working on things.

And I am really excited about directing class specifically. I think it'll be something fresh and new for me to look at in theatre, and while I KNOW it's going to be a ton of work, I think I am ready for it!

Even though checking my email will still stress me out.

the story of my life. (or, moving on.)

I didn't want to see him yesterday. I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy for him, to explain how badly I wanted to be friends with him, I didn't want that. I just wanted to continue living my life without seeing him ever.

But I had to see him. And I did. And I gave him my fake schpiel about how happy I was "blah blah blah" and he managed to insult me within three minutes of seeing him (unintentionally of course, he's a sweet guy underneath it all.) and managed to assume that anything I wanted to talk to him about was about his new relationship (which it really wasn't. I really wanted to talk about the future of OUR friendship and if there even was one.)

And I came to this conclusion - it's not going to change. He's not going to wake up one day and care about me as much as I cared about him.

And then I came to the next conclusion - I don't care about him as much as I used to. (this is the big one.) It's not that I don't want him to be happy, I just don't think that as a part of my life I need to be yearning for his approval anymore.

So yeah. I care about him, and he is my friend. But we're never going to be best friends. It will always be a little bit tainted with how he broke my heart and made me feel as though I wasn't good enough. And that's fine. I don't resent him, I don't want anything bad for him. I just know that I can move on with my life.

Finally.

I was down and I did not understand
Was afraid couldn't wash it off my hands
So I rose and I flew right from that place
Got my wish that I'll never be the same
Then I was alone
- Guster's "I'm Through"

----

Thus starts a new year. A new time, I suppose. I'm different. I'm happy again. Maybe I'm starting out the year as the only single girl in my apartment, maybe I'm feeling a little blue because I can never seem to keep a man interested very long. But you know what? That's FINE. I'm fine.

Because honestly? I would rather be alone than be the basketcase I was last semester. Truthfully, I was a total wreck. And I never want to spend another morning waking up in tears because I don't want to get out of bed or get dressed. I WANT to be happy. I want to choose what I do and who I hang out with.

And who knows? Someone might come along. Someone might stand up to the plate. But if they don't? I'll be fine. There are lots of really cool, happy, single people in the world.

And plus, hot sex with random strangers is still an option.... JUST KIDDING.

These are the thoughts on my mind, but only considering romance. Obviously there is other stuff going on as well.

Love you kids.

and the living is easy. (or, a retrospective look at my summer.)

So I think I can count this as one of the best summers of my life. Really - while not everything may have been perfect, I have really had an awesome time. Just a quick review of all the wonderful things I've done/learned:

• Fly Over Land! I can barely even feel like that was this summer. It just seems like ages ago now... it was a good experience. Very different, to say the least! But I loved everyone I was working with, so all is well in that department. Understudying is never as rewarding as actually having the part, but I did get to dance so that was excellent! =)
• I moved into my new apartment! I have bills and things now... that's different. It's a weird "growing up" thing that I never thought would actually happen, but it has. It's strange.
• I went to Saint Augustine with Anna! While that may not be the most "productive" or "life-changing" part of my summer, it was really very fun. I am really not very good at just relaxing and hanging out or vacationing at all, so it was good for me I think. Plus, I got to spend time with one of the people I rarely get to spend a lot of time with and we had a blast =)
• Of course, need I mention that I got to go to four different countries this summer? Three of which I had never been to! Germany, the Netherlands, Belgium, and France! Exciting!
• I got lost on the German railway system. Way to go me! Once alone and once with Caleb. I think it was scarier by myself though =P
• I learned a lot this summer actually, in class. I was really not aware of how much Germany contributed to modern theatre and now I'm really very fascinated with a lot of it. Specifically, I would like to read more Brecht than I have and actually be able to analyze it in terms of what Epic Theatre is rather than just say "Oh I don't like this..." You know?
• I also learned a lot about Beethoven... and I would just like to say that I love his music. Seriously, love.
• I saw some crazy German Cirque-Du-Soleil type show with a pool and chandelier and strippers... what?!
• I am pretty much completely over the idea of Brian altogether. It may have taken forever, but I finally am DONE being mad about it. It's nice to be able to forgive people and move on. Finally. Took me long enough, I suppose.
  
• I got nine credit hours done this summer - GO ME.
• I lost nine pounds. Hooray! I'm generally a lot healthier than I was, and hopefully since I am going to be dancing literally every single day for the next few weeks, I'll keep the weight off! (not to mention I've been eating TONS healthier, despite the ice cream of Konigswinter!)
  
• Oh, I should probably mention this too - Footloose! I auditioned at the Springer and I got into a show that will be going up this fall. It's pretty awesome to me because I really was kind of getting into that grumpy not-in-a-show-so-the-world-is-a-horrible-place mode that I sometimes go into when it's been about a month or two since I've been onstage... Hah! True story.

In general, the summer has been great. I've learned a lot (not just academically - also things like "stay in groups at train stations!" and "learn to let it go" are very important) and I've worked a lot. Maybe it wasn't the summer I originally had planned, but it really was amazing. I have a lot to look forward to this coming year as well - so I guess my little life adventure goes on.

peace out girl scout.

don't you try to rain on my perfect day... (or one really obnoxiously positive blog.)

I am in love with the scent of Suave Color Care Shampoo. No lie. It smells so good to me. I ended up buying it because I've dyed my hair, once again, to a darker shade of red. Of course it will probably fade back to its favorite shade - strawberry blonde - pretty quickly, but I have high hopes that with a little help from Suave, it'll stay a little longer.

So a lot of exciting things are on the verge right now... but at the same time, I'm so not looking forward to the start of semester.

I just don't want to be stressed out, is all =)

But guess what? I got cast in Footloose! at the Springer! How exciting! I'm happy because it means that I'll have rehearsals to go to in the evenings, and I'll have somewhere to be! And I'll be onstage! And I'll be doing my favorite things - singing and dancing! Hooray!

And also, assistant teaching tap class, taking directing, going back to acting class, and all of that.

Let's be real - I'm just ready to get back into theatre again. Hooray!

And I think that if something good in the "love life" department happens, then I'll be happy - but if it doesn't work out (which it very well may not. though it may!), I'll also be happy just to be me.
I love my life. Sometimes things are hard - money can be difficult. But in general, I am excited for my life. =)
Love you.