elements of the ridiculous.

So as usual, when I think I have life all figured out and I'm finally at peace with something - another bump in the road comes along and I am left (once again) to contemplate my own existence and place in the world.

I'm not complaining of course. Just stating how strange my life is. And trust me, it is. It's hard to explain without giving everything away and causing a lot of controversy.

Basically, I'm happy in limbo.

General auditions are coming up this weekend. I've been working pretty hard so I want to give a bang up audition. Hopefully things will work out, but if they don't, c'est la vie. I know that sounds like such a defeated response, but it's been two semesters since I've been in a mainstage production and 1) I'm not totally miserable, 2) I don't think I've lost respect, 3) I've stayed pretty involved by doing One Acts and this semester I did running crew for Batboy, and 4) I know in my heart of hearts that when one door closes, another always opens. Plus, I'm not needy.

At either rate, school is going pretty well otherwise. I'm pretty certain that my grades are pretty good. I have the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for. Things are looking up financially for my parents (which in turn means that things are looking up financially for me, since they still claim me as a dependant).

The only thing is this. My dad has been working out of our garage fixing computers for like five years now since he quit his corporate job at EZ-GO. However, he has been of late looking for new corporate jobs. He got one! Yay! The only sucky thing is that it's in North Carolina. Now, for my parents, this is a big adventure, I suppose. Moving away and all that. But they're leaving the only home I ever knew. Maybe I was just spoiled by the fact that I never moved as a kid, but seeing as this Christmas will be the last one in my house, I don't really know how I feel about not having a home that I know to come to on breaks. I guess it's a trade off. I shouldn't complain.

Basically, my life continues to be a hodgepodge of randomness.

Oh, I got (really truly) drunk for the first time since January on Saturday.

I saw WICKED for the first time on Friday with my mom! (I can't believe I forgot to mention this) and it was amazing. I cried during Defying Gravity. hahaha. I know, I'm a loser. But it was SO GOOD. =]

HODGEPODGE OF RANDOMNESS.

[reference: subject line: BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY. "You do have... elements of the ridiculous about you."]

growth.

I guess it's safe to say that I've been angry for a year.

Not in this dibilitating way that consumed me.

Not in a way that anyone would really see.

But I've been angry. I'd like to say that I've been angry at him for making me love him. I'd like to say that I was angry at him for showing me who I could be and then taking it all away. I'd like to say I was angry at him for lying to me, for hurting me.

But really, I'm not. I'm mad at myself for not learning from it. I can't be mad at him. He made me actually FEEL something. And even though I've been feeling it for a year - and maybe it was only a good feeling once - but I wish I could feel everything like that last moment.

I wish I could just feel everything openly and honestly and without hesitation. I wish I would have always loved and suffered and laughed and cried as freely as I do now before him. I wish that my current hesitations would disappear like that day on the dock.

Maybe I'm getting over it.

I saw someone who looked just like Logan used to look sitting outside Fountain City the other day. I stopped dead in my tracks, and honestly, I didn't know what to do at all.

And the more I try to get over it - the more I do. The more I think he broke me, the more I realize that it's more beautiful to put myself back together again than it was to never be broken at all.

Maybe I'm crazy for taking a year to get over it.

Really, all is well. This is just some introspection to the way I feel about a single situation in my life. Things are going pretty great, if I do say so myself.

well I'll take that cake, and I will eat it too.

I miss my cat. I usually realize that when I'm at school I miss my animals a lot. But recently, I really want a cat to snuggle with while I watch television (Hepcat would be a pretty good cat to take up this job.)

In closer examination, I feel that I look so much thinner in pictures from high school than I do now. (Though in reality, I have only gained approximately 7 pounds) This is upsetting to me, but not totally unexpected. I don't dance NEARLY as much as I used to and there is no possible way I could have kept my body the way that it was. However I wish my chin were as defined as it used to be... and maybe just my shoulders and stomach. I don't know! I don't mind my thighs being bigger at all, but the stomach is killing me slowly.

I just got back from GTC yesterday. In general, I could sum it up in one word - NIPS. Haha, well really, it was a good time. We stayed in a hotel with me, Janine, Cory, Doug, and Nick (he left for the second night but the real crazy night was the first one). We auditioned for the screening for SETC, and basically because one judge HATED me (really, they did.) I did not get passed on. Of course, this makes me partially question my whole career, but not really. I know that it was just ONE person's opinion - and hey! that's the business. I'm young and I need to learn more, obviously. I'll try again next year, and hopefully it will work out better and ALL the judges will lik me and not just two out of three. c'est la vie!

On the plus side, now I do not have to worry about whether or not I can go to Germany this summer - I can! Of course, I am going to have to get a job to save up money for this purpose and apply for scholarships, etc. But I REALLY want to go.

See? Always try to look on the bright side of life!

Hm? Another bright side of life - the stress is about to ease up on me. The week before last was Batboy (STRESS) and then last week I had a lot of things due and I was preparing for GTC (stress) and then this week I just have school... and I'm going to see Wicked in Atlanta with my mom on Friday! tres excitement! =] For her birthday, my dad got us a hotel room to stay over night too so we don't have to drive in the middle of the night. Woohoo!

However, the next week leads into 2nd Semester General Auditions. WHY CAN I NOT GET A BREAK?! Lol, jkjk. I already have my monologue picked out and partially memorized (will get on that today, I swear). I really would like to be cast next semester, but if I'm not, I still want to do things like running crew, etc. I will just work my hardest on my audition and whatever happens, happens.

Luckily the week after that is pretty stress free. Then the weekend after THAT is my friend Carmen and Matt's wedding. Which I'm pretty much planning on making the treck to Augusta to go to. Hopefully all will work out and I will be able to do that. Then Boy Gets Girl... a few weeks... then finals?! WHERE HAS THIS SEMESTER GONE?!

So basically, my life is a hodgepodge of randomness.

I really enjoy going on bike rides when I can. And Nick recently introduced me to Kingdom Hearts 2 so I will probably be playing video games more than usual if at all possible, haha.

I'm not good with words; but that's nothing new.

It's not debilitating to be single. It's really not.

I just feel ugly. I know, it's ridiculous and that I'm totally normal looking but I have a zit the size of Kansas on the side of my nose, my period totally skipped this month (no chance I'm pregnant, I'm just irregular) so I'm psychotically hormonal and bloated and I feel like no one really sees me for who I am anymore.

Which of course, is ridiculous. I know! Sometimes though, I look in the mirror and I don't even see me anymore. Which is scary.

I wish that I wasn't everybody's passing phase girl - the one who you use to distract yourself from the one you really want to be with. I mean, it's not a horrible life. There's plenty of meaningless flirtation, a few unspoken kisses, and a lot of laughter - but ultimately? It would be nice to have someone to run lines with and to help me do the dishes and let me cook eggs in the morning for them. It would be nice to wake up and have someone to text good morning. I know, it's ludicrous and I'm psychotic and should be happy that I'm alive and well and living in a free world where I can go to college and study THEATRE of all things...

But I'm not sure I can be happy alone forever. I'm pretty sure I can do it for this week, most likely this month, but another year of this? I'm not asking someone to want to marry me - that's far from what I want. I just want someone to look at me and think I'm special. I want to think they're special.

But then again, I guess, maybe I'm not.

And GOD. I am the one who always harps on about how people shouldn't put so much energy into finding a mate. I'm always baffled at how important it becomes to some people - what is so incredibly special about it? Why are we so drawn to the idea of giving up so much of ourselves to someone else?

I mean, that's what it is - you wake up one morning and your life isn't your own anymore. You gave it away to this other person and it doesn't matter how much you try to get it back, they're stuck with it and there's nothing you can do.

I cannot decide which is more terrifying - the thought of giving up a part of myself or the thought of being alone with a house full of cats forever.

In other news, I suppose. Batboy is over. So, my first technical theatre experience? I was on fly crew. And it wasn't so awful at all - actually, it was pretty fun. =] I almost miss it. If for no other reason, then because it made me feel a part of something. The show was GREAT and I was really glad I got to say I was part of it, rather than just going to watch it. So all in all - doing tech for Batboy was a positive in my life. Plus, I got to meet some really awesome new freshmen and get to know other people I didn't really know. =]

Other than that, GTC is this weekend (fun abounds!) and fall break as well. Things are going well for me.

I am both happy and sad at the same time.

Trying to rectify the situation only seems to make it worse.

ear to ear. =]

so dylan organized a group called "How Much Do you Love Robin Lyles?" and got a lot of people to form a conspiracy...

and they bought me a bike.

it's pink and retro and perfect. it has a bell and it's just... wonderful.

basically, thanks all Columbus people, for making me feel like I was loved.

and for getting me a bike.

but mostly for loving me.

=]

(will post a picture when I'm not swallowed by Batboy tech)

ps. I know the picture is old, but it accurately represents how much I love my life.