painting.

dabs of paint on canvas
yellows blues and greens
pushing against the course grains with the heel of my hand
and blending them together

you never let go of your brush
single straight lines of black run with the gridlike textures
while my paint falls so delicately with the water
none of my colors blurring into one

you suffocate me with your perfection.
let it go. let it go. let it go.
there's nothing out of place with you -
but for me.

but I'm not on your canvas anymore
colors discarded to the side for your perfect sketches
maybe it's perfect
but it isn't art.

(31 May 2009)

I'm having a really relaxing day. In fact, I am just wearing cheerleading shorts and lazing around my house. I really shouldn't bother writing poetry, but phrases sort of blend together in my head and I think it's the best way to describe the way I feel right now.

I remembered.

There never was a mood of mine,
Gay or heart-broken, luminous or dull,
But you could ease me of its fever
And give it back to me more beautiful.

In many another soul I broke the bread,
And drank the wine and played the happy guest,
But I was lonely, I remembered you;
The heart belongs to him who knew it best.

- "I Remembered" by Sara Teasdale

This is all I will say: I am filled with gratitude that this summer will be spent so very far away from all of this.

It's just really bad when you remember how easily you fit together - and your heart breaks just a little bit more, as though you had never put it back together in the first place.

I cannot wait for my life to begin. I cannot wait to not be reminded of you every single day. I cannot wait to forget.

I spend every day reconfiguring my senses.

I didn't know the rules do not apply.
and then he smiles and nothing else makes sense.

god, here we go again. I'm pretty sure my behavior is bad for my emotional health. other than this factor, my life is going fairly well. Oh, and my car is in the shop right now. Other than those two factors, I really feel like I want to just be lazy and read and be happy and content with myself.

I think this year has changed a lot in me. I am not always on the edge of having some social breakdown (though I won't lie to myself and say they never happen), I've lost friends who I never thought I would, but I strengthened friendships, harbored new ones, dated people I would never expect myself to, developed a crush on a guy friend (ahem, now) that I really would have never expected from me. I think that it's been interesting. I feel more mature, more goal oriented, more... I don't know, I like myself more, I guess.

Yeah, that's it. I'm glad about that. Fly Over Land goes up next weekend, and then Germany time! A lot of exciting things are happening in my life right now. But I think that's the way it's supposed to be when you're young.

it never ceases to amaze her that he can even make her heart skip a small beat, let alone start to pound in her chest. but it also never ceases to get old.

confession number one: shopaholism.

Imagine this: It won't stop raining, your hair is frizzed out to nowheresville. there's nothing to be done about the fact that your eyeliner smudged this morning because of the humidity, and your car hasn't worked in a week. everytime you feel like things have turned right again, something else goes wrong!

what do you do?

drink heavily? nah, that's too much bodily damage for a temporary problem. plus, then you might get stained as an alcoholic. go to sleep? where's the fun in that? cry? oh no, I am not messing up my makeup even MORE!

Shop.

There is nothing like the warm feeling of the florescent lights as you enter a store. The calming effect of the music is hard to ignore too. You browse through the aisles mindlessly and as you peruse the items, you mentally check in a reason that you could purchase any one of them. And finally, you find it.

The perfect selection. It's a mental high. You know exactly how you'll incorporate this new and exciting item into your lifestyle. You have plans for its lifetime with you - it's going to be perfect!

And then comes check out. It's especially poignant if you're using a card to make your purchases, it almost seems like nothing has even happened, you've just found something new for your life! Nothing can compare to the way you feel when you walk out of that store, clutching your purchases as if they were your only chance at happiness.

(and sometimes they are.)

I bought a new CHI straightening iron today. it was a little ridiculous.

summertime.

and the living is easy.

It's been raining for the past few weeks. It's strange, but I never remember much rain growing up. (Well, that's explainable because we've been in drought for as long as I can remember, but you know) I always remember summer being days on end of running and playing and building tee-pees out of pinestraw and fallen trees in the woods. I remember just the blazing summer sun causing my skin to glisten and sweat to form at the edge of my strawberry hair.

I remember countless numbers of plastic bag popsicles and strawberries with sugar for dessert with my family.

I remember the way that I felt so very carefree - and it seemed like summer could last forever. Days of swimming and never worrying about what my hair actually looked like.

Damn, that was a good time.

This summer is so very different. I'm worried about making the rent and paying bills, and I'm going abroad and I'm doing a show (which, in comparison to my childhood summers, doesn't surprise me, considering that I used to make fake talent shows in my back yard!) Life is so different.

(this blog was originally going to be about eating and overweight children because of this episode of Tyra I watched, but I think this is more poignant and more relevant to my life as of now.)

---

He's handsome in a way that no one else really is. She is all coy smiles and misplaced laughs and biting her lip. The mixture is almost too dangerous to the taste for them. (Scene 4, before the first kiss.)

life.

I have a cat. I know it's so retarded cat-lady of me, but the ability to snuggle with Hepcat brings me a lot of joy [= Even if I can't decide on a definite position for the litter box... He is so huggly snuggly that I know I can always love on him!

Lately I am in a shoe funk! I have been wearing cowboy boots and moccasins every day and I need to stop it! So I keep trying to wear heels instead [= or flats. or something OTHER than moccasins and cowboy boots.

I was in a weird mood this morning - and I'm honestly much better than I made myself out to be in my last blog. I am pretty much moved on and I like someone else, I promise. Crazy, but I go through these weird "I'm not quite over it" phases and I just can't shake them off. The day was really good today though and I am really very happy.

I've been trying to think of something poetic to write about in my blog lately, instead of just blahdeblahing about my life, but I think that's what a blog is for, either writing something interesting about your perspective or just talking about your life. So I think it's a "talk about my life" stage right now.


"Life isn’t divided into genres. It’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky."
Alan Moore

remembering.

I miss the way you used to make me smile without any thought - instead of the way you make me half-way cry now.

that's all.

I'm really quite happy, I promise. I just miss that.

smiling.

I'm happy. [=

maymester is weird. I went on ONE date with a guy and everyone is like freaking out... one date! it's cool, guys. haha. don't freak out! that's allowed to happen, you know! haha. oh well!

I love my apartment! furniture arrives tomorrow, along with my cat, Hepcat!
and my car will get fixed!
hooray!

on the downside, brittain left today =[ sad times.

there is a really long list of people who I wish were with me in columbus right now, but they're not. Fly Over Land is going pretty well, I suppose. I'm happy about that.

There's not much to update about, life is slow. But I am really, genuinely doing well.

the truth.

I have three words for you that sum up how I feel about my "men" situation:

IT'S. THE. BANGS.

rebirth.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Things are really good right now. Obviously, not everything is perfect, but I do thank God for these brief days of joy.

I've moved into my new apartment with Janine and Brittain. We pay bills like real people now. There's a pool available to me at any time I want it (though it's been eerily cold the past two days...) and I finally have my own room! Basically, I adore it. I can't wait until my parents come into town this weekend because a few things will happen then:

• I will get furniture! YAY.
• I will get to see my family!
• My dad will fix my car!

Haha, hooray! Did I mention that my car broke down? YEAH IT DID. Oh well, I think there is too much good going on to let a few crappy things bring me down. I'm taking a really easy class and I'm in Fly Over Land too. And let me just say - I'm really loving working on the show. I know I've only been to two rehearsals but I really like the focus on things like viewpoints, etc. PLUS the script itself and the designs are seriously kickass! YAY

Also, I am so so so very over you. And this time I'm not writing it just to make myself feel better.

I feel like I'm walking around with a warm little secret. My heart feels warm and I feel more open than I have in months. And I kind of like that.

growth.

There is a tree in my back yard - it's much smaller than the other trees, but it's branches are growing. It's roots are firm and it's leaves shade its small section of the ground just as well as the bigger trees. I've always known about this tree - hell, I planted it. But yesterday afternoon, when I was out "playing pine cone" with my dog, Crystal, it caught my eye once more. As I dutifully flung the slobber covered pine cone for my dog to loyally run and find, my eye drifted from my book to the tree - planted adjacent to the small vegetable garden my sisters and I had tended in our youth (now overgrown with weeds and firewood).

Now you're probably wondering why I'm blogging about some tree. I'll get to that soon.

I remember that tree - carrying it out of my elementary school haphazardly on Arbor Day towards my mom with the rest of the car riders (these were the days before I became a latch-key kid like the rest of my neighbors, or even understood the concept of riding the bus). At either rate, I remember toddling home with said tree and planting it where it now stands. I don't remember much of the actual planting process - when it happened in relation to my mother picking me up from school that day, whether or not I planted it or my mother did, or really anything about it - I could fabricate some sappy story about how we planted it together or BLAH BLAH BLAH, but in truth, I (like most people who are actually coming into adulthood) don't remember much other than playing with caterpillars and coloring from kindergarten. (And even those memories are more like a blurry montage set to some kind of happy classical music)

But what I remember most about that tree is this. I carried it out of the school. My grubby little three foot something hands carried that tree out of the doors of my elementary school. Now, that tree is twice as tall as me.

I have changed so much in my lifetime. From being that cute little shy girl in elementary school, to my awkward anger at the world during middle school, through my rockabilly phase, my eighties phase, high school, college - everything. I don't think words can ever accurate describe the ever changing chameleon nature of the human condition, and I (like everyone else in the world) am a perfect example of this.

But I have spent my entire life here, in this house. While I have dealt with my parents' move as best I can, and I really am okay with it, it's just strange to think that I will probably never come back here for a long stay again. I guess my life is moving on, and I've known that for two years now. But I guess I always thought I'd be able to come back here. Sit my ass in this living room, sleep til noon on my futon, and look at that stupid tree without a second thought.

But that's not really an option for me anymore. Life is taking me on a new adventure, and I am completely different than I was.

I lay on my stomach on the swing that my father built for my mother reading the book that India lent me, dutifully throwing that pine cone back and forth for my goofy little dog and I smiled.

I am not the only one who's changed here.

<3 Back to Columbus tomorrow.

let it go.

Reading this passage of Eat. Pray. Love. by Elizabeth Gilbert could not have happened at a better or more relevant time for me:

"But I love him."
"So love him."
"But I miss him."
"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed of. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."
"But I wish me and David could -"
He cuts me off. "See, now that's your problem you're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be." (Page 150)

Of course, replace all the names with relevant names from my life, but you get the picture.

Seriously, why can't someone sit me down and say these things to me? Thank you, India, for letting me borrow this book.

Also, my Dove chocolate (I admit, I have an addiction. I literally eat chocolate every single day.) told me: "Create peace for yourself"

Why is it that the universe did not align itself with good advice for me a few months ago?
It's so nice to be home - and I think once this week of detox is over, I'll be ready to start anew in Columbusland. Please - let the calmness and inner peace carry over the miles to Columbus so that the Summer of Love can begin. <3

the sky is yours.

So I was driving down the road today on my way back to Augusta for a week of relaxation with my family, the windows rolled down, tuned into Star 94 (which I learned from a billboard was the Top 40 station in Atlanta), with "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz coming in and out (I think there's something wrong with my antennae), windows rolled down, shoes off, sun roof cranked open (yes, cranked. there is an actual crank.), and I realized something.

I was genuinely happy. Alone, in my stupid just-glad-it-runs car, with music that I love (even if it kept fading out) and the warm sun beaming down on me - I was happy.

I always find it strange when I feel like I'm in a state of my life when I can't seem to find a way out and something like this happens. I feel like everywhere I turn there is someone waiting to tell me something else that I won't be able to handle and that will break me down again - and there is always a moment of pure bliss of simplicity that reminds me that this is ME. This is Robin, who takes pleasure in throwing a peace sign out of her sun roof in the hot summer air (since my air conditioning is unpredictable). This is Robin, who loves the lake and sleeping late and painting and singing with the radio - This is me. And for a few minutes I was just purely happy with my life and I was at peace with God. I have been so angry lately, and I don't usually get angry (let's be real). With the loss of Rea, the pressure of school, the betrayal I was feeling from so many sides - my quiet anger with the world was becoming a scream very quickly. And lately I've been trying to find my peace again - and there it was. It was just such a perfect, peaceful, totally just "me on my own being myself" moment. It was wonderful. God, I really needed that.

I was talking to India last night about all the crazy things I do sometimes (like riding the elevator for twenty minutes or playing in the fountains by myself just because it's what I WANT to do) and she said something along the lines that it was fine because it meant that I was comfortable enough with being alone to just spend time with myself. And I had never thought of it that way. I always viewed my strange antisocial tendencies that I've started to develop this year as kind of bizarre, and maybe just my weird way of expressing my discontent for my life. Like I used to want to spend every waking moment of my life around other people during my freshman year and even at the beginning of this year, but lately it's just been a lot of "me time". I think that her saying that has really given me a different perspective on the way I behave, as for the past few weeks I've been feeling like it hasn't been such a good thing to spend so much time alone - but now I can look at it as that I'm comfortable enough with myself to hang out with just me. [=

It's really nice to be home, in a weird way. Like usually there's this "I don't know what to do with my time" aching of almost-boredom, but I'll only be here for a week so I think it's going to be an interesting experience. I got to hang out and talk to Laura some earlier, and I always forget how much I miss her. <3

Here are my rules and goals for life right now:

• If I can't fix a problem with someone and I can't bring myself to forgive them, I'm just going to avoid them until forgiveness comes. I know myself, and I know it will one day arrive, but at this point - I'm so hurt by some people that I don't even want apologies from them. I just want the pain to fade away and I know that I will forgive them eventually.
• I'm not going to torture myself if I want to spend some "me time" and I'm just going to think of it as "hanging out with myself".
• I'm going to be more open to the idea of dating people, because I think I've once again closed myself off because of all the hurt that's happened this semester. I think it's time that I realize that I have something in me that's worthwhile. And I need to remind myself of that.

I love you guys, and I'm so glad the Satan Semester is over. Though I will miss everyone in Columbus who won't be with me over the summer, I'm grateful for the reprieve. I'm excited about Fly Over Land.

Also good: I lost eight pounds. Woo!

Life is good. I need to remember that when times get hard. Life is good.

open up your mind and see like me -
open up your plans, and damn! you're free.
look into your heart and you'll find the sky is yours!
♥

Today.

Today is going to be a wonderful day.

I'm super excited about my activity.

I'm really excited about dance extravaganza.

Basically, I choose to make today a better day.

Because I only have so many left, and why waste them on being sad?

Love you kids, for real.

covered in scars I did nothing to earn.

here is something that's been on my mind lately. how is it that we can all manage to treat each other like our feelings don't matter at all? how is it that we can all be so selfish? how can we act on things without seemingly thinking? we all thought we were doing the right thing, right? we were right, weren't we?

Nobody does anything thinking it's the wrong thing. Nobody sets out to hurt someone else.

But here's the thing - and I really do think this. We make shit up.

We make shit up about people all the time - like, you pretend that your girlfriend is the problem in your relationship, you find a small thing about her personality that maybe even someone else pointed out - but then you blow it up in your mind. Suddenly it's impossible to see yourself with this person anymore - how could you be attracted to them when they're SO not what you really want. But in reality, you just made that up. You wanted out of a relationship because you wanted to date someone else - fine. But just admit that. You'll look like a jerk, sure.

But at least it's the fucking truth.

Or this - you're growing apart from your best friend. You're both really busy and you rarely have time to be together, and you're disapointed by that. So you start blaming them. You start talking crap about them, you start bitching about how they must be this awful person because they don't pay you any attention anymore - but here's the truth: you miss them. Just admit it and save yourself from losing your friend. Is it really worth it to save face?

I KNOW I'm guilty of this too. I have done it a thousand times over and over again - but it's just something I realized lately. I feel like this is the biggest problem I'm having lately though. I don't want to fight with people, I don't want to feel like I'm  being lied to. I don't want to be fake and I don't want to be angry.

I just want the truth. Is that really so much to ask?

come right out and say it.

From this point on, I promise myself to only surround myself with people who make me feel totally and completely loved. I promise to surround myself with people I trust.

And I will try so hard to forgive.

Because I know that the only way to cleanse my own soul and my own being is to wash clean the stain of anger and mistrust.

What's scary is how I've switched from anger to apathy so quickly.

I'd rather have the truth than something insincere.

Every day, I am grateful that I have enough theatrical work to dive into. Otherwise, I think I'd fall apart, because I am constantly realizing how much of my life I am truly discontent with.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. <3

8+ hours of dancing and I'm absolutely fucking exhausted. Like I feel like if someone poked me too hard, all my bones would fall out of place and I'd tumble to the floor - a pile of flesh and bone not entirely put together but still in the same heap. But at the same time, I really love dancing so it's okay [=

APO Ball was fucking fantastic! I actually think that it was one of my favorite nights since I've been at college - the ball was so much fun (you know how I love to dance!) and the party afterwards was great too! (Even though Taylor called me at 4AM for NO REASON hah!) I always really enjoy events that are predominately theatre people, but the ball just always seems so wonderful because we're just there to celebrate our hard work. which is beautiful, when you think about it! Because we really do work our asses off. [=

Plus, it's nice to be able to be around eachother in a non-theatre related event. Like, no one has to go run lights or do crew or put on a costume, we can just be around each other, have a nice meal, and dance like we're crazy retarded.

I love the department [= I really do. I know that sometimes I get tired (see a few paragraphs below this), but I truly do feel like I'm in the right place at the right time right now. Serendipitous! I've learned so much in the past two years and I've grown so much, but I don't think I would have been able to without not only the help of the faculty but also my fellow students here in the CSU Theatre Department. I adore you all - just so you know. <3

I'm reading "Eat. Pray. Love." and I really adore it as well. I'm in the first section and it really helps me appreciate being alone instead of resenting it. [=

My apartment is literally spotless. It's weird but nice. I forgot how I liked to be clean. Also, we move out soon. I'll probably be going on home Friday so yeah. Yay! I am really happy to see this semester end - if truth be told. I love everyone here in Columbus and I love school, don't get me wrong - but in the end, my exhaustion of not only just working all the time on theatre (because if that were the case, I'd be overjoyed with life!) but also taking so many classes and having to constantly be up until two AM (haha, like right now?) and all the drama that people around me create is just exhausting. I'm tired and I just want a few days of R&R. It will be really good for me, I think.

I'm about to have a really awesome night's sleep. [=

can't hold me down - gotta reach for the sky!

some people don't know the love you possess - they pretend, but they don't understand.

it's natural, you're in a world of your own.

You know what I really miss about living at home? Dancing. I mean, obviously, I have random crazy ass dance parties in my apartment, but I really miss every day of the week working my ass off dancing in a studio. Now, I just feel like an old dog with a few tricks left up my sleeve, but I forget what it feels like to actually have been good. Dance Extravaganza is coming up and I think I'm more than just a little excited - I'm in several numbers and I just really want to show people that I am a dancer and that I  am talented in more than just acting [= In general, dance is just how I show the world that I love life and I am excited to be performing in that kind of venue again.

Janine wants to go on a horse and buggie ride and Matt wants a popsicle.

Junior Proficiency was today - I'm happy to say that it went very well. I'm not sure why I was so psyched out about it - I've never had a bad meeting with the faculty before, so why should this have been different! Haha, so yeah. That's one less hoop to jump through before the end of the semester (which I've dubbed the SATAN semester!).

Another exciting thing that is coming up REALLY soon (as in tomorrow night!) is the APO ball. Now, while I wish that I had a date to said ball, I'm pretty content to go by myself and enjoy a wonderful night with the theatre majors of CSU! It's such a great way to end the year and I'm super psyched about it [= Lots of good food, wonderful people, and really really fun dancing! YAY.

I feel like I have all these crazy wonderful ideas for dances all the time! Lately I've been being nagged my my inner brain about another ballet I'd want to choreograph (similar to "Situations: A Contemporary Love Story Ballet") - a Swing ballet! Like, all the music would be from the 1940's (or contemporary recordings thereof), and I'd want a bigger cast than before. There'd be big dance numbers (including a partner swing number and a few tap numbers and a USO style number!) and probably a story based around WWII and soldiers going away and coming back, etc. I'd love to do a girls number to "I'll Be Seeing You"! Oh lord. I would! Do you think this would be a good idea? I know I really don't have much time to do it except in the fall and there's already so many freestages put in for the fall of 09. Decisions!

Okay, the more I fleshed out that paragraph the more I want to do it and now my brain is spinning to try to make it work in my head. Write a proposal or wait til Spring?

Dance consumes my brain sometimes. And sometimes I'm pretty convinced I should just be a choreographer. But I do love acting. Oh, performance is what I live for. And if I have to work my ass off for it, then so be it.