I don't know what to wear.

I really hate when this happens. I put on five thousand different outfits in some pathetic effort to figure out what to wear. I do have what I want to wear out later tonight planned, but my mom announced this morning that she wants to take pictures of me and my sisters and she wants us to look cute. translation: please Robin, don't wear a strange hippy headband.

I'm only vaguely ready for the coming semester, but I think emotionally I'm ready to start doing things again.

We just got back last night from house hunting in Greenville. It's an okay town, and while I feel a little unhappy about the move still, I'm starting to deal with it. My parents will be happy there. And I won't mind visiting so much. At least it's not the middle of nowhere, hah. There's a good outlet mall nearby and a nice movie theatre.

Sort of half-way looking for houses in Columbus helps me not to feel like crap about no longer having a permanent home. A home just needs our love!

I finally picked an outfit, btw.

Well tonight is New Years, and I've made a few resolutions: watch my weight. excercize. go over to BC and CH more often and socialize (especially with India! I missed her this semester.), drink less soda and more juice and water. be a little more high maitenence! that sounds bad but I mean I should probably shave my legs at least every other day and take care of my eyebrows more often.

I mean, I never follow all of them, but hopefully I do well. Hookah tonight and then hanging out with friends counting down the hours left of 2008.

Music discovery of the day: Eric Hutchinson. Why had I not found him before? This music makes me smile.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ-RkipwalU

comfort and joy. <3

What is it about Christmas that I love so much? I guess it used to be the gifts, when I was a kid. Though a part of me would love to believe that it was more of the anticipation and the air of magic that I was drawn to. At either rate, Christmas has always been my absolute favorite day of the year.

Perhaps it's the undivided attention of my family. The complete idea that one does not even have to leave the house and is forced to undergo togetherness, and yet somehow we rarely fight on the actual day.

Maybe it's the food. It would be remiss of me not to mention that Christmas dinner is actually my favorite meal of the year. Whether it be roast beef with yorkshire pudding or turkey and dressing, I feel like it's basically impossible not to gorge myself, because the food is so ridiculously good.

Of course, perhaps, it could be the season leading up to Christmas - I do rather enjoy the carolling and the cookies and the trees and lights. It kind of makes the world seem like one big gingerbread house or just a magical world of niceness.

Maybe it's the parties? I love Christmas parties. Sharing food and talking and listening to happy frappy music that doesn't have anything to do with money/sex/etc and having times of merriment with my friends.

I really think what I like most about Christmas though, is the general feeling of togetherness it gives people. I know that not everyone in the world celebrates Christmas, that would be shallow of me to think that, but for those of us who do, Christian or not, the sense of giving and "peace on earth" and city sidewalks busy sidewalks dressed in holiday style... uh! I love Christmas.

So Happy Christmas, Everyone! Hopefully all those feelings that overtake me for about a month a year overtake you. And hopefully, I can make part of them last for the rest of the year.

Too bad it always has to end so abruptly, but great things are to come.

I'll be home for Christmas.

Fun and Funky Christmas! by breakfastatrobins

polyvore is a fun way to express yourself =]

so I'm at home, and things are pretty great, actually. so far, I've only gotten A's back on my grades, but that discludes the grade from my psychotic comm professor, so I'm not really sure if that one will be as good as I want it to be =[

I spent yesterday out with Anna, buying Christmas gifts, and thank goodness, I'm already almost done with all of my Christmas shopping. I'm super glad to get that over with too, because I usually get really stressed about Christmas shopping because I like to give NICE gifts instead of just any random Christmas knick-knack.

Also, we had dinner at Myabi's (DELICIOUS) with all the kids from AP when I was in high school. It was great - fun to see people I haven't seen in forever, but kind of bitter sweet because I know I won't be able to attend next year's Christmas dinner =[

Basically, I am so grateful for this break. It's rather like the calm before the storm, though.

It finally really feels like Christmas, did I mention that?

I miss you, though.

the road goes on.

So life has been good to me, I can't lie. I had a four day weekend, for all practical purposes. I have great friends, we had a wonderful time in Atlanta at the club (sans Omar, who was too drunk and wasn't allowed back into the club!) and it's almost Christmas, my absolute favorite time of the year.

However, things have been weighing me down. Of course. Who am I if I could be totally happy with life? Of course, actually getting through finals week is one of them. I just want this semester to be complete and over! I want to move on from the stress. I want to keep going! Then there's money. Then there's guys. My parents moving. General discontentness. Body image on probably the lowest it's been in awhile.

I always thought I wanted to grow up and move so far away from Augusta. I always thought I'd leave and never look back except to see my parents. Boy, I was wrong. The days slip by so quickly and I have no idea when I'll actually deal with the idea of never being able to go back through that red door that leads to my falling apart but full of wonderful memories and laughter house. Not being able to hang out on my backporch. A really good friend called me today, and I realized that I never see him unless I'm home. I guess losing just the house isn't the only problem, after all.

I guess I really didn't want to grow up, after all.

in order to be irreplaceable...

...one must always be different.

-Coco Chanel.

So I'm officially no longer a teenager. In retrospect, they were pretty good years. I mean, middle school could have been better, but high school did me good and I absolutely adore the college aspect of life, so yeah.

I feel like these are the years that have helped me on that ever-present quest to figure out who I am. I mean, we all go through it, so I'm sure you know what quest I mean. Good things, bad things, I feel like I've finally figured out that my bizzare personality really isn't that bad and that I can just be myself. I don't know, I don't want to wax sentimental but I feel like everytime I meet a new friend I find myself more and more comfortable with who I am. It's nice, I suppose. But like I said, I'm glad that I'm not that crazy perfectionist smart kid I was when I was twelve and now I'm who I always wanted to be - artsy and weird, still smart, but I don't freak out everytime something isn't necessarily perfect. It's weird to think how far I've come in the past seven years, really. But I guess that's just growing up.

My birthday was great, and I want to thank everyone who made it so awesome. I just want to say - I feel like I should just stop drinking full stop because I behave absolutely atrociously when I'm sloshed. Not only that - I'm also such a lush. How is it possible that I get drunk off of Reisling more often than I do from vodka or rum? At either rate - I had an awesome time yesterday ushering in the start of my twenty-something years.

Another semester is coming to a close and I'm surprisingly not at all that stressed. Usually I am near the edge of a nervous breakdown by this point. Maybe it's just the classes that I selected for this semester - but I can't say I'm not grateful.

On the other side of that pillow, next semester seems to be shaping out to be an already stressful one. I am grateful to myself for not loading up on crazy classes. My freestage got approved! I am tres excited about this - mostly because choreography is slowly making its way up to being my first love. I guess it's pretty much equal with theatre, but you know ;] I feel like this is a great combination of both and I'm really excited about it. Although it is going to add extra stress to my life, I think I'm more excited about it than anything. Also I'm doing Belly of the Whale (yay) and Machinal (double yay!) so I'm pretty booked up for the next few months after Christmastime.

Speaking of Christmastime - I'm pretty excited about it. Mostly I just want to ignore the fact that I even own a planner and spend time with my family, my dog, my Augusta friends, and just freaking RELAX for once. I don't feel like I have a lot of drama at home anymore, and I want to spend Christmas with people who I love. I'm excited about my third (and final) Christmas party and the ability to dress up and enjoy my friends' company.

Basically this is what I have left to do until I can enjoy all of that: go to class. theatre history paper. acting response. (keep going to class). theatre dance final (easy schmeasy for those of us with dance experiene!). (more class). study for theatre history final. show up to pilates and acting finals. Seriously - please note, most of that is just SHOW UP. My life is bizarro-world.

I love you guys, seriously.

yay.

so I'm twenty now.
more info to come later.

what what.

and I'm like her fairy godmother... only slutty.

So it's set in. Th evil, the worst, the most horrible part of the semester - the pre-finals stresscapades.

I, as per usual around this time of the semester, have had a nervous breakdown tonight. I just feel like I really need to have a break. I want to be frivilous and free and spend money (that I of course don't have) and I want to have a meaningless fling and not look at my planner for a month... haha, Christmas needs to hurry! I just need some time to sleep (more than just thanksgiving!) and I need to re-evaluate how I feel about life.

This stress I believe is mainly coming from my parents moving. I'm not sure why, but it just spreads over my whole life and I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my place everywhere, as well as my actual physical home. I really want to move out of housing because I really want a place to just call home and have some permanency that doesn't rely on the school year being in session, you know? I mean, while I'd love to be able to dedicate myself to my parents move, but it's hard because I only live with them part of the year.

Luckily this summer I'll be in Germany, but I'm just not sure how I feel about it.

I hate that I bitch so much, so let me update about the good things in my life.

I heard some news from my mom today that makes me estatic. So I know it sounds like a spoiled child thing, but apparently my parents are thinking of getting me a new car (shhh it's a secret, apparently) so I'm stoked! Mostly because my car, which I adore and love, the Professor is a sad heap of metal in the parking garage that usually breaks down.

I'm so very happy about next semester too. I'm happy about being in Belly of the Whale. I'm happy about Machinal. I'm stoked for my classes. I think I've finally figured out my calling. I am excited to start working on stuff for dance extravaganza. I am excited for the future for the first time in awhile. I've always been passionate, but I guess the "torn" between two loves thing is what was getting to me about it. However, the idea of combining my loves is such a wonderful thing that I'm stoked about that again.

I've been feeling pretty lately. My hair looks good. My clothes are all clean. Christmastime is here, and I have some crazy lightbulb earrings that Janine got me that only further transform me into what I really am... Miss Frizzle....

Haha. I feel better after blogging. Love.

I really like your style.

So today I was home for a full day, and I spent most of it at the mall with my mom and sister. I got some new bras and panties (YAY) and a new top from White House Black Market. Also, I gave (and got) a lot of hints for Christmas.

And now I'm home, relaxing and watching tv with my mom. Also, I am playing on polyvore (which I cannot ever thank Janine enough for introducing me to it!) and at either rate, I wanted to post some sets of clothes I could only dream of owning =]


Grey Dreams by breakfastatrobins


Fabulousity! by breakfastatrobins


Bohemian Influence by breakfastatrobins


Cuteness by breakfastatrobins


Haha, basically I've been having way too much fun online. I never have this kind of time on my hands! I guess it's just the shock of having time to enjoy my life that I'm appreciating. Of cousre, I miss Columbus, but I miss relaxing too. =] Also, new bras are a plus. AND I get a new haircut on Friday. YAY.

I'm ready for the Christmas season.

don't forget the fight it took to get you here.

so I'm leaving Columbus tonight on a journey back to Augusta for Thanksgiving break.

It's bizarre, but words cannot explain how excited I am to go home. I think I'm just tired, to be honest. I love school, and it would be a really big stretch to say that I was the slightest bit unhappy here, but let's be honest - I'm exhausted. I'm not even thinking past this Sunday right now because the thought of finals makes my gut lurch a little and I'm just too pathetic to even comprehend how quickly this semester has gone by.

I'm also excited to see my best friends (Anna and Laura!) because I miss them terribly. The thought of just lazing about for a few days with my family does my heart good.

However, I still have to get through today (as always.) I'm pretty much packed so right after dance, we'll be able to jet out of town! And like I said, words can't describe how tired I am.

I love you, Columbus.
But I need home for a few days.

don't be shy, just say hello.

I figured I might as well post to tell you this: emotionally, I've been a lot better during this week. I really don't know what got into me last weekend, but I'm glad it's past.

I honestly believe (now if you're a guy and you don't want to read about womanly things, skip this!) that it's because I haven't had my period since August. YES, I am going to go get it checked out if I don't get it by December. I'm pretty sure that it's because of the heightened stress level in my life lately, but I'm still worried about it. However, I truly believe the source of my psychotic emotional episodes is my hormones being incredibly out of wack.

Now you can start reading again, gentlemen.

Basically, I'm fine. I'm grateful for all the great things in my life: my wonderful family, my wonderful friends, my fabulous roommate, the department, the sun, and just my ability to keep on trucking with my life.

Can I just say that I can't wait for Thanksgiving? Two reasons: one, the relaxation factor. I have been so ridiculously stressed lately, and even fall break was all for naught, because I didn't get to go home or relax at all. So the relaxation factor is a big thing. Two, get to see my family. Three is the food =]

I missed Theatre History this morning because I woke up feeling really dizzy and nautious. It's questionable, but I'm not really sure what happened. But I went back to bed and now I feel ay-okay, so that's better. I'll be going to shop and dance, though I may take it easier on myself at dance class.

Basically, life is pretty grand. Though, I would like a boyfriend to have for the holidays. No strings attached! Any volunteers? JUST KIDDING. I'm fine being single, I promise. =]

ps. after thanksgiving, the Christmas spirit is ON.

tell you the truth, I've said it before, tomorrow I'll start in a new direction. I know I've been half-asleep, I'm never doing that again.

it's my turn to be brave.

So here I am, feeling all gooey and confused again. It's not that I'm not happy - I just wish that everyone else was happy WITH me. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but I feel like just being myself is too painful for some others. I feel like it's hard for me to deal with my own pain because it leads me to hurting others.

And I don't want to hurt anyone. God, I really hate it. I feel bad 90% of the time, so actually hurting people is the worst feeling in the world to me.

I'm TRYING to grow. I'm TRYING to be an adult and to be strong and to be the woman I always wanted to be. I want to be an artist - I want to be strong, more than anything else. I want to be brave enough to really be myself.

And just like most of us, I'm not even sure who I am. I mean, there are things that I obviously know. I know I don't believe in war, I know I believe in art and love and I know that I want to make the world better. I know I love choreography and quirky style and I know that I want to be someone worth knowing one day.

I just don't know who that makes me - And I'm tired of trying to be what people need me to be. Not that anyone is hurting me anymore, but I just want to make everyone happy. I wish I could, I really do, but I can't. I can't be something that I'm not, as much as I try. I'm not trying to be mean, or hateful, I'm just trying to be brave and face the world for what it is and for who I am. I'm tired of hurting people by just being myself. I constantly feel like my feelings make me not good enough for anyone anymore. I'm sorry. I really, truly am. I wish I could be everything that everyone needed. I really do.

Maybe I'm being too insightful and looking into things, but a night of crying on your floor in a bra really makes you look at the world and wonder what is really bothering you.

I'm not over it. I'm scared that I never will be. I'm so close to being over it and I read some stupid message from OVER a year ago and it just says "I miss you." and I just REMEMBER all these stupid things. And honestly - I didn't even like him as a person, so how is it possible that I'm not over him?! I'm scared to think that I really honestly loved him, because it's such a ridiculous notion. How could I? He dated my sister. He encouraged me to do things I'd never reasonably do. He hurt me.

I don't like to think that I loved him. But I think it's equally terrifying to think that it's something about MY personality that disallows me to get over it. Is there something about how he showed me that I was so destructable that keeps me from getting over it? I just feel like I can't remember feeling like I was indestructable. I just don't know how to get over it. It's not HIM that I want back or anything about it. It's just that I want to feel like I could just give myself over to someone. I want to feel like love is something I could feel for someone again. I'm not sure. I'm waiting for someone to come along who doesn't expect anything of me. I am waiting for it to be right. Maybe that's asking too much, but I feel like maybe that's better than trying and trying and trying to make something work when a part of me is fundamentally not able to invest myself into the situation.

I just feel like I can't feel anything for anyone anymore. Sure, I've had crushes and I've had kisses, but I feel like I don't even know that if any of them had worked out if I wouldn't have had the fight or flight instinct and I would have shut down emotionally or run.. but I guess I'll never be able to know.

Who knows? Maybe someone will come along and change it. I'd really like that, actually. But until then, I love my friends and I am just going to keep trucking along, single and everything.

I'm worried I won't have enough money to pay for Christmas presents.

all in all though, life is pretty awesome. I feel like I bitch on my blog too much.

don't know just where I'm going

and tomorrow is a little overwhelming

and the air is cold

and I'm not the same anymore.

I've been running in your direction

for too long now - I've lost my own reflection

and I can't look down -

you're not there to catch me when I fall

this is the moment

I stand here on my own

and this is my right of passage

that somehow leads me home

I might be afraid but it's my turn to be brave

if this is the last chance before we say goodbye,

at least it's the first day of the rest of my life

I can't be afraid, cause it's my turn to be brave.

if only in my dreams.

so I really hate to be one of those people who gets in the Christmas mood way before it's appropriate but... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

It's going to be the last Christmas in Augusta for me. Obviously, all other Christmases will be spent either in North Carolina with my parents or with whoever I live with when I'm... grown? I'm not even sure I understand the concept or when you're supposed to stop going to your parents house for Christmas... at either rate, this is the last Christmas in my house. The house I grew up in and I pretty much have all my memories at.

And a part of me is not all that upset about it. I guess I just feel like Christmas is wherever my family is.

but the other part of me is sad, because a part of my family will still be in Augusta.

It's cold and rainy and Chase and I watched "Holiday Inn" (starring Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire) last night... it put me in the mood.

Hot cocoa works too.

Maybe it's the finality of it all, but I really want this to be a great Christmas, and I want to enjoy every minute of it.

=]

So I got cast as the Mom in Megan Noelle's play "Belly of the Whale" (directed by Sam Hughes =]).

Schweet. woooo.

Maybe this week will turn out okay, after all.

god only knows what I'd be without you.

Let me just say this, in the least cheesy way possible, I have the best friends I could ever ask for.

And I don't mean just the people in the picture to the left, obviously. I mean all of you - from Augusta (school, dance, childhood), from Columbus and just everywhere. I have the best friends I could ever ask for. Because by being my friend, you have made me so beyond comfortable with being myself. I could never repay you for that. Never.

So on a totally random whim, last night, Megan, Janine, Cory, and I all went on a RANDOM trip to Atlanta and went to Club Europe (which is an 18+ club). It was pretty awkward for the first hour or two, not gonna lie! Because we got there super early so we could get in free. But alas! Once the dancing really got started it was really really fun. Some people were totally awkard - like these Bosnian guys who tried to get me and Janine to go back to their hotel room with them (the one actually tried to nibble my ear and pull up my skirt! I was molested!) but we luckily we had a system worked out with a signal for one of us to come up and rescue the others from an awkard dance partner! Haha, I don't know how many times I had to go up to Janine and say "Do you wanna go get water with me?" My personal favorite was just after a guy asked me if I smoked, Janine used the "do you have the cigarettes?" story. BAHAHAHA It was so awkward. Basically, we were exhausted and drove home, smelling like ass with some McDonald's drivethrough... omg. Haha. There is something about doing something so RANDOM and FUN that is absolutely invigorating and refreshing.

I was beginning to feel so much pressure lately, just from all sides. I feel like the trip out of town was the perfect cure - just to make me feel the perspective. Life is so much bigger than the bubble I live in. Sometimes, when I feel the pressure to settle, I just remind myself of how big the world is and how many more opportunities are going to come my way if I just keep going along the path I've chosen but lately the light's been sort of dim. I guess, even though it was just a random trip to a random awkward club, it sort of gave me a little nudge to keep going.

=]

Like, I said, I have the best friends ever.

This week is gonna be a hard one, I feel it in my bones. I hate being tired.

the most random blog I've ever written.

I have approximately ten minutes in which to write this blog before I head off to a directing scene rehearsal, so it may be a little disjointed in nature.

I'm not sure what's going on in my life. I am so very happy and so very confused all at the same time. Making it through the week gets more and more difficult, and the weekends seem shorter and shorter. Not because I don't love what I do either - I think I'm getting sick. I'm just... coasting, for lack of a better word.

Supplying my body with food. I should write or something. I made a new header for my blog on photoshop the other day and I feel like it actually may have been the most creative thing I've done in awhile. I mean - lets just face it. I'm creative. I thrive on making things and apart from acting class... lately I just haven't been living up to my usual par! for goodness sakes, I made a quilt over the summer out of old shirts! Hopefully things will change soon and I'll be able to be creating ballet (really it's modern dance but hey!) =]

I have an eerie feeling at this very moment. My ghost friend is here. I am the only one in the apartment and a clatter just arose in the kitchen. Of course, I went to check on it, said hello and went back to what I was doing. The other day she said hello to me. I thought it was Janine when I came in and hollered out, but the voice I heard coming from inside our closet wasn't connected with any body, since Janine wasn't here at all!

Unnnerving, sometimes.

I even feel strange writing about it, because I'm sure she can read what I'm saying. Hello, friend.

My thoughts on the election: I'm glad it's over. Honestly, I truly believed that either man was capable of the job (otherwise they wouldn't be able to make it that far to the election!) and it was all a matter of what party would be in power for the next four years. So, congratulations to the Democrats! I'm a political moderate so I'm pretty much in favor of anything as long as they don't force me to join the military and shoot people.

(I'm going to go to my rehearsal now. The rest of this blog will be written afterwards =])

and now I'm home.

here is a stream of conciousness.

my nose is stuffy. I'm cramping. I haven't had my period since August. I probably won't get it it's just a fluke I can't stand the way my skin feels cold but it's warm in the room I hate the fact that I have a cold sore on my tongue I really wish I attracted men I was attracted to (sorry if that's inappropriate) I hate that I never wear real shoes anymore but sperry's are so comfortable I used to hate guys with blonde hair but now I'm not sure red hair is still the sexiest I love my hair the way it is right now I don't care if kim thinks the pocahontas headband is weird I will wear it to spite her I hate the scene shop so much I kind of have to pee I am so happy I got cast next semester I want to take a picture on jono's bed I can't control how crampy I am I want a different bike rack in the rankin so I don't have to put it on the wall since it's huge I'm not sure why I'm writing this stream of conciousness I feel like I would bake if I had the ingredients I wish I had someone to continuously kiss and run my lines with me I hate the way my skin hasn't warmed up yet and it's been a few minutes now I'm mad I missed grey's anatomy tonight I wish the world were a smaller place than it is I lose sight of trivial things when I'm at school like keeping up with tv shows I wish I had time to keep up with them I wish I wasn't the girl that people use to get over their ex's I want a zune so I can listen to music on the shuttle bus I wish my parents weren't moving so I could always live in my same house during christmastime I like coke so goshdarn much directing scenes are so good to do but so stressful sometimes I can't handle how intensely boss six flags is and I really want to choreograph my damn ballet I am so happy about machinal (still) and I really wish I could have some minnie's for a late night dinner right now panera is really good too though I feel like elle woods sometimes because I am so ditzy I'm a one girl revolution I want to make a collage to cover my planner since the cover is fading (sad day!) and I want to watch singing in the rain I want to BE singing in the rain I want to fall in love like kate and leo but not until I know who I am I want a cat so badly and I want my ghost to not hate me and I want everything in the world I wish I could see my parents more often it's pretty cool joe gave me these headphones so I could talk to my sister but I haven't figured them out yet n dI am supposed to watch juno with omar but I don't know when I have time I wish I could figure everything out!

things are looking up.

So here I sit with a pint of Ben & Jerry's, a coke, and my hair totally undone.

It's been a good day. Let's start off with the beginning - I really didn't want to wake up. This is probably because I woke up at 5AM with the worst cramp in my shoulder and I honestly don't remember how many advil I popped in a desperate attempt to get back to sleep. This is a bad habit which should be erradicated.

So I got up slowly, totally ignored the condition of my hair and went to class. Somehow, pilates didn't seem SO torturous today, and let's be real -

I didn't care about the cast lists. In this totally WEIRD way I had already dealt with the idea of not getting cast again in my mind. I had already said to myself - well, self, hopefully my freestage will get approved and I can just keep on trucking next semester - it's not like I died these past two semesters when I wasn't cast, silly! So I didn't even go over there in a crazed attempt to look at the lists at 10, since I had a class that was billed to begin at 10AM.

Lucky me, I have my wonderful facebook fiancee, Jamie Lynn Simmons who texted me "congrats on machinal!" and Larry let us run on over to check the lists before we started class. Basically, I got cast in Machinal! It's so incredibly ideal - it's a small part of an ensemble cast (I always wanted to be in that show that a huge part of the department was in!) and I'm pretty much just thrilled to peices. It's ideal because A) I really want to do my freestage, which I put the proposal in for today (won't know for a week if it's totally approved though ugh!), B) I am taking Stage Management so that's stressful as well, and C) I really want to be in a one act! so having a smaller role in a mainstage show is great! HOORAY!

Seriously though, I'm really happy about it. Also, Chase took me to Minnie's Uptown Restaraunt for lunch before I had advisement and it was delic, I fit in a quick nap AND I get to go see "This is What Happens When..." tonight (featuring all of my lovely friends!)

I think I'm over Logan. I'm not feeling needy for a boyfriend. I had a good excercize in acting class today. I'm learning to let go a little bit of my appearance and just relax.

You know what I can't wait for though? Thanksgiving. That is going to be nice. Just to go home, relax with my family, eat a lot of food and then after that, I can start on my Christmas rampage!

Basically, I'm having a great day today.

PS. I AM SO RIDICULOUSLY PROUD OF JAMIE LYNN SIMMONS, MY FIANCEE FOR BEING CAST IN TOUR! =]

pps. halloween was ludicrously fun this year, thanks to my wonderful friends!

elements of the ridiculous.

So as usual, when I think I have life all figured out and I'm finally at peace with something - another bump in the road comes along and I am left (once again) to contemplate my own existence and place in the world.

I'm not complaining of course. Just stating how strange my life is. And trust me, it is. It's hard to explain without giving everything away and causing a lot of controversy.

Basically, I'm happy in limbo.

General auditions are coming up this weekend. I've been working pretty hard so I want to give a bang up audition. Hopefully things will work out, but if they don't, c'est la vie. I know that sounds like such a defeated response, but it's been two semesters since I've been in a mainstage production and 1) I'm not totally miserable, 2) I don't think I've lost respect, 3) I've stayed pretty involved by doing One Acts and this semester I did running crew for Batboy, and 4) I know in my heart of hearts that when one door closes, another always opens. Plus, I'm not needy.

At either rate, school is going pretty well otherwise. I'm pretty certain that my grades are pretty good. I have the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for. Things are looking up financially for my parents (which in turn means that things are looking up financially for me, since they still claim me as a dependant).

The only thing is this. My dad has been working out of our garage fixing computers for like five years now since he quit his corporate job at EZ-GO. However, he has been of late looking for new corporate jobs. He got one! Yay! The only sucky thing is that it's in North Carolina. Now, for my parents, this is a big adventure, I suppose. Moving away and all that. But they're leaving the only home I ever knew. Maybe I was just spoiled by the fact that I never moved as a kid, but seeing as this Christmas will be the last one in my house, I don't really know how I feel about not having a home that I know to come to on breaks. I guess it's a trade off. I shouldn't complain.

Basically, my life continues to be a hodgepodge of randomness.

Oh, I got (really truly) drunk for the first time since January on Saturday.

I saw WICKED for the first time on Friday with my mom! (I can't believe I forgot to mention this) and it was amazing. I cried during Defying Gravity. hahaha. I know, I'm a loser. But it was SO GOOD. =]

HODGEPODGE OF RANDOMNESS.

[reference: subject line: BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY. "You do have... elements of the ridiculous about you."]

growth.

I guess it's safe to say that I've been angry for a year.

Not in this dibilitating way that consumed me.

Not in a way that anyone would really see.

But I've been angry. I'd like to say that I've been angry at him for making me love him. I'd like to say that I was angry at him for showing me who I could be and then taking it all away. I'd like to say I was angry at him for lying to me, for hurting me.

But really, I'm not. I'm mad at myself for not learning from it. I can't be mad at him. He made me actually FEEL something. And even though I've been feeling it for a year - and maybe it was only a good feeling once - but I wish I could feel everything like that last moment.

I wish I could just feel everything openly and honestly and without hesitation. I wish I would have always loved and suffered and laughed and cried as freely as I do now before him. I wish that my current hesitations would disappear like that day on the dock.

Maybe I'm getting over it.

I saw someone who looked just like Logan used to look sitting outside Fountain City the other day. I stopped dead in my tracks, and honestly, I didn't know what to do at all.

And the more I try to get over it - the more I do. The more I think he broke me, the more I realize that it's more beautiful to put myself back together again than it was to never be broken at all.

Maybe I'm crazy for taking a year to get over it.

Really, all is well. This is just some introspection to the way I feel about a single situation in my life. Things are going pretty great, if I do say so myself.

well I'll take that cake, and I will eat it too.

I miss my cat. I usually realize that when I'm at school I miss my animals a lot. But recently, I really want a cat to snuggle with while I watch television (Hepcat would be a pretty good cat to take up this job.)

In closer examination, I feel that I look so much thinner in pictures from high school than I do now. (Though in reality, I have only gained approximately 7 pounds) This is upsetting to me, but not totally unexpected. I don't dance NEARLY as much as I used to and there is no possible way I could have kept my body the way that it was. However I wish my chin were as defined as it used to be... and maybe just my shoulders and stomach. I don't know! I don't mind my thighs being bigger at all, but the stomach is killing me slowly.

I just got back from GTC yesterday. In general, I could sum it up in one word - NIPS. Haha, well really, it was a good time. We stayed in a hotel with me, Janine, Cory, Doug, and Nick (he left for the second night but the real crazy night was the first one). We auditioned for the screening for SETC, and basically because one judge HATED me (really, they did.) I did not get passed on. Of course, this makes me partially question my whole career, but not really. I know that it was just ONE person's opinion - and hey! that's the business. I'm young and I need to learn more, obviously. I'll try again next year, and hopefully it will work out better and ALL the judges will lik me and not just two out of three. c'est la vie!

On the plus side, now I do not have to worry about whether or not I can go to Germany this summer - I can! Of course, I am going to have to get a job to save up money for this purpose and apply for scholarships, etc. But I REALLY want to go.

See? Always try to look on the bright side of life!

Hm? Another bright side of life - the stress is about to ease up on me. The week before last was Batboy (STRESS) and then last week I had a lot of things due and I was preparing for GTC (stress) and then this week I just have school... and I'm going to see Wicked in Atlanta with my mom on Friday! tres excitement! =] For her birthday, my dad got us a hotel room to stay over night too so we don't have to drive in the middle of the night. Woohoo!

However, the next week leads into 2nd Semester General Auditions. WHY CAN I NOT GET A BREAK?! Lol, jkjk. I already have my monologue picked out and partially memorized (will get on that today, I swear). I really would like to be cast next semester, but if I'm not, I still want to do things like running crew, etc. I will just work my hardest on my audition and whatever happens, happens.

Luckily the week after that is pretty stress free. Then the weekend after THAT is my friend Carmen and Matt's wedding. Which I'm pretty much planning on making the treck to Augusta to go to. Hopefully all will work out and I will be able to do that. Then Boy Gets Girl... a few weeks... then finals?! WHERE HAS THIS SEMESTER GONE?!

So basically, my life is a hodgepodge of randomness.

I really enjoy going on bike rides when I can. And Nick recently introduced me to Kingdom Hearts 2 so I will probably be playing video games more than usual if at all possible, haha.

I'm not good with words; but that's nothing new.

It's not debilitating to be single. It's really not.

I just feel ugly. I know, it's ridiculous and that I'm totally normal looking but I have a zit the size of Kansas on the side of my nose, my period totally skipped this month (no chance I'm pregnant, I'm just irregular) so I'm psychotically hormonal and bloated and I feel like no one really sees me for who I am anymore.

Which of course, is ridiculous. I know! Sometimes though, I look in the mirror and I don't even see me anymore. Which is scary.

I wish that I wasn't everybody's passing phase girl - the one who you use to distract yourself from the one you really want to be with. I mean, it's not a horrible life. There's plenty of meaningless flirtation, a few unspoken kisses, and a lot of laughter - but ultimately? It would be nice to have someone to run lines with and to help me do the dishes and let me cook eggs in the morning for them. It would be nice to wake up and have someone to text good morning. I know, it's ludicrous and I'm psychotic and should be happy that I'm alive and well and living in a free world where I can go to college and study THEATRE of all things...

But I'm not sure I can be happy alone forever. I'm pretty sure I can do it for this week, most likely this month, but another year of this? I'm not asking someone to want to marry me - that's far from what I want. I just want someone to look at me and think I'm special. I want to think they're special.

But then again, I guess, maybe I'm not.

And GOD. I am the one who always harps on about how people shouldn't put so much energy into finding a mate. I'm always baffled at how important it becomes to some people - what is so incredibly special about it? Why are we so drawn to the idea of giving up so much of ourselves to someone else?

I mean, that's what it is - you wake up one morning and your life isn't your own anymore. You gave it away to this other person and it doesn't matter how much you try to get it back, they're stuck with it and there's nothing you can do.

I cannot decide which is more terrifying - the thought of giving up a part of myself or the thought of being alone with a house full of cats forever.

In other news, I suppose. Batboy is over. So, my first technical theatre experience? I was on fly crew. And it wasn't so awful at all - actually, it was pretty fun. =] I almost miss it. If for no other reason, then because it made me feel a part of something. The show was GREAT and I was really glad I got to say I was part of it, rather than just going to watch it. So all in all - doing tech for Batboy was a positive in my life. Plus, I got to meet some really awesome new freshmen and get to know other people I didn't really know. =]

Other than that, GTC is this weekend (fun abounds!) and fall break as well. Things are going well for me.

I am both happy and sad at the same time.

Trying to rectify the situation only seems to make it worse.

ear to ear. =]

so dylan organized a group called "How Much Do you Love Robin Lyles?" and got a lot of people to form a conspiracy...

and they bought me a bike.

it's pink and retro and perfect. it has a bell and it's just... wonderful.

basically, thanks all Columbus people, for making me feel like I was loved.

and for getting me a bike.

but mostly for loving me.

=]

(will post a picture when I'm not swallowed by Batboy tech)

ps. I know the picture is old, but it accurately represents how much I love my life.

there's still a little bit of your song in my ear.

You know what I want? Warm fuzzy feelings.
As much as I harp on and on about how it's not debilitating to my life, I really want a boyfriend. And not someone who will tell me I'm beautiful or take me out to dinner. I just want someone who will sit with me while I watch trash tv or talk to me about nothing at all for hours. I want someone who will run lines with me (thanks for the thought, J.) and someone who I can cook food for.
I want to feel like I deserve all that. And yet, every time I even think about being physically affectionate, it's so tainted with stupid memories. I'm not sure how to fix myself. How to feel like I actually deserve to be happy with someone. I'm not sure how to feel so indestructable that I would put myself in someone else's hands anymore. Because lately I just feel like everything I say is wrong, everything I do just doesn't fit. I mean, it's not the worst thing in the world - being single. The worst thing is realizing that it's because of him. It's because he broke me. He made me this cold, scared, stubborn person that I am.
The worst part is that I feel like being alone forever is worth never having to feel like I did those weeks ever again.

Maybe I'm just cut out to live the life alone.
It's not the worst thing that could happen.

I want someone to kiss me and remember it later. I want HIM to feel sorry for what he made me.

I wish you still liked me.

there's no place like...

I'm home in Augusta, and that always puts me in the mood to update my blog.

Things have been good recently. School is stressful as always. The Kelly's Truck Stop Bop went REALLY well (yay!) and I really want to go do it on tour if we go. Seriously! =] Love!

Tomorrow is the presentation for Mountains to Sea. I really hope I am not going to look retarded. Haha, I'm not a teacher... let alone a science teacher!

A lot of things are confusing lately. Sometimes I wish I could just stop time and figure things out but I guess you can't do that.

I'm a little sleepy, so this update kind of sucks. So like I said, I'm home. I really didn't even notice that I hadn't been home in two months. I feel like my life just gets really hectic at school, and I lose track of how long its been since I've been home. Or maybe I just get to the point where I don't want to drive four hours..? I'm not sure. Either way, I'm home for the weekend to make my presentation, but sadly, I don't have much time here. I always find that I never have enough time when I come home on the weekends to see all the people I want to see. Which makes me feel bad, blah blah blah.

At either rate, it's nice to have a little alone time. Not that I mind having friends around all the time. You're never REALLY alone at college, anyway. It's nice to just be in my room relaxing. Thankfully, class isn't until 1 tomorrow so I am going to sleep until 11.

Also nice: eating my parents' food. getting paid. new headshots.

hopefully, I will get everything done I need to get done this week.

maybe you'll be the one that I like best.

bought an umbrella big enough for two

but it feels pretty empty under here without you.

I've been feeding my brainchild lately - with the help of Janine, I'm writing a modern day folk-indie ballet set to all quirky music and telling a modern love story of young artists. Of course, it's not going to be the most award winning new ballet ever, but I'm pretty much dying to finish working everything out in logistics and (HOPEFULLY if I can get it approved as a freestage for next semester or fall semester of next year) casting and performing it? I am going to try to get the proposal in ASAP (as soon as I finish figuring out the songs/plot/transitions so that it's a cohesive PEICE instead of just a vagueish idea)... well anyway, I really hope it happens. I know that it would be a huge responsibility and it's not EXACTLY theatre, but there would be a good deal of acting in it... so if it gets approved, and you read this blog, I'm telling you that it's actually really good ALREADY and I really just want dedicated people (not everyone has to be the best dancer ever! the way I have it set up is that there are four principle dancers and six ensemble dancers.) At either rate, some of the music includes: The Ditty Bops, Bishop Allen, Jack Johnson, Feist, Kate Nash, Bright Eyes, Damien Rice... if you really want to know more about it I've been obsessed with just writing it lately so I will babble on to you about it for an hour. The tracks are amazing!

Other than that... my life? Kelly's Truck Stop Bop opens tomorrow! I'm pretty happy about it actually. It's a totally cute show, and I'm pretty happy to be working with everyone involved. =] Uhm... Hm.

GTC Juries are also tomorrow - I think they just want us to do our peices so they can give feedback though. I'm weirdly nervous about it but I'm sure when it's over I'll be like "wow, I'm retarded for being nervous" (which is usually how I react after these situations are over). I also have scheduled to get new headshots taken on Monday. Busy busy bee, that's me!

Classes are going well. Acting is... well I have a hard time thinking of activities! Right now they just have to be really demanding and a 9 on the 1-10 scale of how hellacious completing the activity would be. I would do physics word problems but apparently that puts me up in my head too much? (Physics word problems ARE my hell on earth.) But when it's all said and done I really do feel myself learning a lot, so it's good.

Uhm, I'm doing a speech in communications about the negative effects of the mass media on body image in women. I'm pretty excited because it's something I really really care about a lot.

I don't like anyone right now. I would explain WHAT happened, because I came to a realization that ended my last "crush", persay. But I would have to explain exactly who it was and what about him changed to me.. at either rate, I find life so much easier when I don't like anyone. It's so easy for me to just have friends and focus on my work.

accoustic guitar playing softly in the background

of the corners of my mind

I sit and think of all the things we could have

would have

should have said

and I laugh - I wonder

would it really have made that much of a difference?

<3

in the mind of a ginger snap.

I'm not sure how to articulate life lately? Maybe that's why I never update my blog. Proper articulation of the facts (the whole truth) seems to be what I usually go for and lately I'm not sure what to make of anything anymore.

I'm starting to feel like dating is just not something that I'm ever going to be able to make coincide with my life. It doesn't debilitate me to be single though, so I'm fine. I really don't like anyone right now (I mean, commitally. Like sure I find people ATTRACTIVE still, but I don't want to date anyone in specific) so I guess that kind of stems the way I've been feeling about dating. Like it's a little bit pointless at this point... for me, anyway.

School is stressful. It's at that point in the semester where everything goes by really ludicrously fast and you just can't seem to stop things from happening because they go by so quickly! Kelly's Truck Stop Bop is about to open on Friday... I have to make a presentation for Mountains to Sea the following weekend. One of the mainstage shows for this semester has come and gone through it's mainstage run (tour show)! Like I didn't realize how quickly my sophomore year has gone so far! (I even feel like that picture above was taken so long ago!)

A Thought: ALL MEN ARE MORE ATTRACTIVE IF THEY DRESS THEMSELVES WELL. It's just the truth. No, you will not look gay unless you ACT gay! You can definitely dress well, look straight, and you'll be 90% more attractive! Haha, I just was thinking about a conversation Janine and I had yesterday and that thought crossed my mind...

I'm exhausted... as always.

I hate grocery shopping.

I have really great friends. =]

I hope tomorrow is like today.

I had a really good day today. First off, I am wearing a really cute outfit. Secondly, I got a nice mid-morning nap in after theatre history. Third, they had fresh baked cookies at the market today! Fourth, instead of working in the costume shop today, we got to watch Cows Don't Fly (the tour show), and then I had dance class (which is my favorite) and rehearsal. All in all, a really wonderful day.

Just thinking, they're so rare, wonderful days. It's hard to believe that they only come by so often but when they do, it's pretty amazing.

(of course, there are things bothering me. but I feel like it would sully the good day to write about them.)

(seriously, I miss Laura.)

be calm. be brave. it'll be okay.

there are a few things about life that I find infinitely frustrating and infinitely amazing all at the same time -

the first one is change. and it kind of goes with everything that's going on. you change. your style changes. your hair grows, you get taller, bigger, smaller, whatever. people around you change. your taste in music changes. sometimes I feel like I wish I had put the freeze button on last semester around late march - and honestly, I think if I could have, I would have. I would have remained forever in that state that I was in because I was so effing happy that I don't think I'll ever hit that point of elation again. But then, there were also bad things in my life that are actually, in fact, better now. I'm not sure, sometimes I wish I could just stop time for a second and figure things out. relationships change. you realize who you are and what you want and I'm not really sure that I am in the place I want to be now, but I'm scared of hurting people in the process of becoming who I want to be. That was my food for thought of the day, I suppose. Don't read too much into it, you'll probably guess wrong.

I never realized how NOT over the whole Logan situation I was until this summer. Every angry poem I write is about him, every time I think about liking a guy, I'm reminded of the shit he used to say to me that at the time I saw NOTHING WRONG WITH. Somehow I'm mindboggled at how I let him treat me so crappy. Sometimes I'm not. I'm not sure. But I never realized how much it actually affected the way I view myself in relationships. I guess I thought I was over it for a long time, and I tried to distract myself repetitively until I realized I wasn't. And honestly - I'm still dealing with fallout from it. One thing - I'm pretty sure I'll never be the same as I used to be.

I kind of miss that old Robin though. She's been gone for a long time, these days.

I guess it's weird. I'm going through all these strange emotional things lately. I've never dealt with so many emotions at once - probably because during high school I basically didn't give myself time to feel so many emotions. And then last year everything was so new it was hard to ever be too upset. Things change - yeah. I'm not UNhappy. I'm not totally happy either. I'm happy. ish?

There are so many things I wish I could say lately.
Bladebla.

stones taught me to fly.

I fell off my scooter today. (Did I mention I have a scooter now? I have a scooter now.)

And strangely, it felt like the way I've been feeling lately. I feel like I fell off my life scooter (don't hate me for my horrible metaphors) and I just haven't been able to get back on it yet. I feel like I'm just walking my life scooter down the road but I haven't pushed off and rolled again.

strange thoughts fly through my mind some days.

I'm in a show at The Loft. It's called Kelly's Truck Stop Bop. I actually only got the gig because the original girl they had missed rehearsal or something..? and a friend of mine (Omar) is in the show and sort of got me in. So I'm pretty happy about that - mainly because it's sort of like hopping on the scooter again and saying "yes, I can still do this."

I'm teaching dance "class". In reality, it's just a bunch of my friends and we're gonna do dance workouts and work together on dance, but I'll be leading and teaching with Laura, which is pretty cool. It's very informal and just at random, but it's something I've really wanted to try for basically forever, so I'm kind of excited about it.

Just some happy thoughts on life, because there's way too many crappy things going on too.

I am so scared of forgetting who I am.

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball.

purpose - it's that little flame...

I've been questioning everything lately. I want to figure out what I want out of life, but I just can't seem to make a sound decision anymore. I'm not complaining - merely stating that I feel like I'm at a fork in my road of life and that this is a BIG fork, not a little one that will bring me right back to the regular path I was always on. This fork - my friends, is a life changing fork.

I'm divided by two passions - dance and theatre. I know they're ridiculously similar, and I KNOW that I want to continue my study of theatre here at CSU in the BFA track - so it's not like I'm even contemplating changing my major or transfering (I honestly can't imagine life away from CSU right now) but I am contemplating what I want AFTER college - after I've learned as much as I can from CSU. Do I want to keep studying? Do I want to act? Do I want to try my hands at choreography? I don't even know. I feel like this conundrum is what's been keeping me down lately - well, not really down, just really thoughtful. I've been thoughtful lately, I guess is the right way of putting it.

Other things that I've been thoughtful about - obviously, relationships. It's like, I realize that my life is pretty sweet without one. I'm a horrible girlfriend in that I don't call you every night, I (for the most part) will want time away from you to be with my friends, and I am just altogether weird and don't feel like explaining my strange actions all the time. But then there's that nagging other hand that's like - what if I really AM alone my whole life? what if I'm just not the girlfriend type? Which, all those statements above seem to point to the answer to that question being - no, you're definitely NOT the girlfriend type. And my life isn't exactly debilitated by not having a boyfriend (specifically one person, but you know, we can't always get what we want), but then I see stupid couples and I'm like "UGHHH WHYY MEEE". I can't even explain to you what a conundrum that whole "lonely but feircely independant" situation is.

I guess you could say that I'm waiting for my life to fall into place. I'm not upset, I'm just thinking a lot lately. I feel like there is just something right out of my reach and I can't see it yet, so I can't make a sound decision. Sometimes I feel like I'm so stuck in this little bubble world that I live in that I can't even see all the other options in my life.

Speaking of the bubble - we got out of it yesterday! Yes, for the first time in my entire life I went to Six Flags! haha, I know it sounds like a lame thing to be really excited about but I had never been and it was really ludicrously fun. I love all the people we went with (no drama? WOW. that's a new one), and just in general - I really love roller coasters. The Goliath! OMFG hahahaha. Amazing! Seriously, we rode it three times, and once we rode the very front. The initial drop was terrifyingly fun from the very front though, not gonna lie. Haha, hands up - whole time - front row - hells yeah! I can't even really begin to describe to you how exhaustingly fun and wonderful yesterday was. It was like - eight billion decisions and things that were bogging me down (see above?) just disappeared for awhile and we just had fun.

In short, I am the most indecisive person alive, but at least I'm a good, happy, fun person.

college girl adventures.

I would like to tell you that my life is terribly interesting, but it's not. haha, in retaliation at the world for not being cast this semester (though I'm not complaining, just saying the fates were not alligned!), Megan, Janine, and I had a "hair dying party". Janine went BLONDE, we put chunks of red in Megan's, and mine is just an intensified red. (ala that picture.)

At either rate - my life is pretty stagnant and fast paced at the same time. I love all of my classes - my acting class is pretty interesting, I do say. Complicated, confusing, all those wonderful things. I love pilates class and theatre dance - maybe I'll finally get back in shape this semester! Theatre History is about as exciting as it sounds and early, to add insult to injury. I mean, all in all, it's a pretty good semester. I've never been one to let something keep me down for long, and the hairdying was like washing anew that disapointment into excitement for what's coming up! I'm going to sign up to do running crew for Batboy, just because they said they needed tons of people and I still want to be involved, obviously.

Uhm, let's just say I really hate men! I'm on a big manhating kick lately, but I feel like the manhating goes away the second I see him. And the worst part is that he is so totally clueless, I swear! Sigh. I'm all "lalala I hate men, I love my life without a boyfriend" one minute, then I hear some sappy song or I see him and he says something stupid like "how are you?" or gives me some stupidly exceptional hug and I'm all girly and... not all that driven to do anything but be there in that stupid moment! And I don't know! I hate it. I hate feeling like a ninth grade girl with a crush on the captain of the football team (though he definitely isn't a football player haha). Although it usually cheers me up when Brittain texts me - WHAT MAKES THEM THINK THAT'S OKAY?!

Basically, my life is great, but I hate men. A lot.

keep it positive?

I am sad to report that I am not cast for the first semester mainstage season at CSU.

I'm suprisingly not all that upset.

POSITIVELY nerve wracking.

so, as you may know from other people's blogs, general auditions for the mainstage season (first semester) have just past us by.

I had a pretty good audition (though I feel like I could have done better on my monologue) but I did get a callback for the musical, Batboy, as well as for the touring children's show, Cows Don't Fly and Other Known Facts. Both callback sessions were today and can you say INTIMIDATING and NERVE WRACKING?

Basically, there are only going to be eleven people cast in Batboy at all, and like forty five people got called back. I swear, there were a bazillion girls. Now, I firmly believe that if everything was based on dance I'd have the lead (JUST KIDDING! haha) but I know I'm not the best singer in the world, especially with the mysterious scratchy throat I have! Though I think the singing went pretty well, and the dancing went awesome, I just don't know! The odds are pretty much against me, so I'm not getting my hopes up. But like I said... if they based it solely on dancing... ;]

And then there were the callbacks for tour which were SO FUN. Like we did all these crazy things like acting like animals and being a circus (this one time a guy even jumped over me while I was standing up! and he threw me in the air, etc. SO FUN) so yeah. There are also only FOUR people on that cast, and TWELVE at callbacks, so the odds are 1 in 3 to get it. Not so bad, but still, 2 in 3 is better odds of not getting it =\

But despite all this nervewracking business, I do know this: Not getting cast for a mainstage show IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Haha, it happened last semester, and it may very well happen again. It's a tough semester, this one, and it'd be awesome if I got cast, but if I don't, I won't die. I'll find something else to do, I know it. Haha, that's my KEEP IT POSITIVE attitude I have about auditioning in general - I tell myself that whatever happens is meant to happen!

On other notes: the first day of class has come and gone, and I already feel like I'm back into the swing of my life. I am going to a partayyy tonight (in about a half hour actually) and tomorrow I'm gonna have to go buy a bunch of books, etc. lol. oh mannnn. back to being stressed all the time! (even sans being cast, my schedule is pretty hectic)

Well, that's my life! Auditions, stress, and finally, a PARTY to relax!

a new friend... hopefully.

so here's the thing. after a STRANGE occurance last night and some thoughts put together from talking with another friend of mine I have come to this conclusion -

my new apartment is haunted.

I'm not at all creeped out by it though, so I hope it's a nice ghost.

Here's what happened: Janine and I were going to bed (pretty late at night, I must say) and we were the only ones in the apartment. The way our room is layed out, our computer desks are in the living room and I had already turned my itunes off (but I always have them pulled up on my desktop) and I had washed my face already and gotten into my pajamas so my screensaver must have come up at this point - right? and suddenly from the living room where my computer is located, "Hey Big Spender" is pulled up and playing in the middle of the song! Which I'm sure there is like a bazillion different explanations that do not involve paranormal phenomenon, but I just have a FEELING it is a ghost. I can't explain the feeling, no, but trust me!

Also, I have a friend who lives on the SAME HALLWAY who says he has a ghost who will fold clothes that he knows well and good he left in a dirty pile on the floor - I think that's enough evidence to make me question whether or not the "logical explanation" or the "crazy suggestion" is the right one!

At either rate, I'm welcoming the new presence in my life!
ps. I seriously will take pictures of the apartment whenever we finish decorating.

alert.

this is just a post to alert you that I am no longer living in my parents' house and have moved into my NEW apartment in the Rankin in downtown Columbus.

Today is joyous day.
(pictures tomorrow when we get done decorating!)

excited girl.

and it's bad news, I don't blame you
I do the same thing, I get lonely too
and you're bad news, my friend told me to leave you
that you're bad news, bad news, bad news..


theme song of my life? possibly, but I feel like it's never going to end. I hate feeling the way I do. I feel like... like I haven't moved past anything from last summer. I feel like I continuously like guys who are no good for me, but then I make a concious decision that I don't care! why am I like this? god.

I've been all about writing really angry poetry lately, mostly inspired by last summer/fall and the most ridiculous amounts of emotional pain I'd ever been in. I'm not sure if I want anyone to read it though, because it's mostly "blah blah blah". maybe one day, I'll post some up totally anonymously or something, because I like it, but of course I do, I wrote it.

on a much happier note: I am so ready for it to be tomorrow. what is it about Columbus that is so appealing you may ask - freedom, would probably be the first thought. as much as I love my family, the evenings alone on my laptop or with (I am ashamed to admit that I've stooped to this level, but I finished all the Boleyn books!) a Twilight book... they are really getting to me! my second thought - theatre, of course! it's the number one reason I even GO to school. haha. then of course - my friends, who I adore and love and miss.

in other words, I need my life back.

I can't wait for it to be tomorrow, no seriously, I can't.
<3

why is it always raining when I feel sunny?

Things that cheer me up: chocolate, ice cream, hilarious embarassing old school nineties music (aaron carter), the prospect of change in my life, very funny middle of the night drunk dials, my friends, good deals when shopping.

Let's just say the past two days have included all of the above, so I'm in a pretty damn good mood these days. I think life could have only been better if I had MADE something in the past few days. Haha.

Uhm, packing ahoy for the rest of the week, but I've pretty much done all the drab parts. Now it's just: one more box of randomosity, paintings (etc), my clothes, and my shoes/accessories. So it's not THAT much more stuff. I may even take today off from packing ;] because I got all the kitchen, living room, and bathroom stuff packed yesterday.

For the rest of the week, I will be trying to hang out with my friends (yesterday was a "oh my god, I have no life" day) from Augusta and enjoy my last few days of vacation.

Oh, I finally scheduled my audition: 7PM.

thoughtful?

I Believe...

that if I eat an entire can of icing and nobody notices or sees, the calories and fat do not count.

in some kind of higher being.

in being a good person.

that shopping actually DOES make things better.

that if you shop for bargains it makes it even better than just shopping.

in being classy, but fun.

that there is more to life than love.

in being friendly and polite to strangers.

that the book is always better than the movie.

that if you can't feel your nose, you're too drunk.

that rhinestones will make any dull costume look fabulous.

that you can tap anything out.

that there is no way to acheive true perfection, so quit trying.

that performing literally makes the world disappear.

in art.

in peaceful solutions.

that one can never own too many shoes.

in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart ;]

that television rots your mind (and yet, I don't care.)

that theatre should move you from one place in your life to the next.

that laugh lines are prettier than frown lines.

that if you eat enough chocolate, the metaphorical skies will clear.

that no matter how many pictures you took, you will always wish you'd taken more.

that doing the right thing doesn't always feel all that great.

that if you love someone, you'll love them for who they really are.

that a healthy amount of absurdity adds a little flavor to life.

that segways were invented purely to make us laugh.

that if everyone in the world actually TRIED to get along, we could.

that you can become friends with your ex.

that women should not be measured on their ability to reproduce.

that the purpose of free samples in grocery stores if for when you're hungry while you shop.

that you need to be friends before you can be in a relationship.

that you shouldn't litter. end of story.

that some things will never change.

that it takes a lot more to get over someone than just deciding that you are.

that when one part of your life sucks a lot, you're probably not paying enough attention to the really awesome parts.

in myself.

in living only once.

that when you really fall in love, it can't be as hard as all the other times have been.

that all we can do is try to take our peice of the world and change it - hopefully for the better.

&&&

haha, janine was saying how everyone else's blogs were all deep earlier, so I wrote a blog that was all DEEP. haha. no really, I do believe all that stuff.

Life is good right now, I've been packing tons, and you know... giving in to peer pressure and reading Twilight. (I know. God.) Haha, so don't hate. And enjoy my random artsy picture.

I really, honestly wish that my life would just work itself out. but it seems as though I'll have to take the proactive approach. I don't feel as pressured as I did before, because I really did just realize that I'm finally letting go of a lot of stuff I've been holding onto for an unnatural and unhealthy amount of time. so it's kind of nice to just be like "AHHHHH" and be all ready for life to be all happy and sunflowery. (AAHAHAHA how optimistic am I tonight? on drugs? nope!) I am just.. I want to feel free and happy and not like I need to be loved by a man to be validated, you know?

So this is my official stance of the year - BE HAPPY. don't stress over gay drama. work hard. love life. laugh as often as possible. be classy and fun.

I hope you guys are wonderful as well!

anxious girl.

I really don't know what it is lately, but I'm getting really easily annoyed. I can't help it - 90% of the people I come in contact with in my day to day annoy me. If it's not one thing, then it's another. And usually this would just be my family, but it's branched out to friends, acquaintances, and total strangers. So I'm sorry if I'm really bossy or mean or grumpy with you, it's my annoyance control going berzerk. I honestly think it's because I've been in one place accomplishing very little and changing very little for so long. I love home, don't get me wrong, but I'm really ready to start actually WORKING at something again, accomplishing things, and feeling like I'm in the right place in the world. Things here are just so... stagnant. It's hard to hang out with people because I have to actually drive to see them, and hanging around the house seems infinitely lamer than hanging around my apartment or on the riverwalk downtown (each the equivalent of hanging out "at home", no gas cost, no money involved at all).

Luckily for my short fuse, I am moving back to Columbus next Saturday. Janine and I will be living in an apartment with just us, and I'm really ridiculously excited about decorating it. At the end of last semester, one of my RAs let me go see it (the other occupants had moved out, obviously) and I've been ready to move in ever since. Although I do so love BC2D, I will be wayyyy happy to live in a dorm that is not specifically for freshmen, and one that has a TABLE. Which sounds like an irrational thing to be excited about, but really, it is pretty darn exciting when you have eaten at your coffee table for a year! Haha!

I've been working on my audition peices a lot lately, and I'm finally basically happy with them, Thank God! They could obviously use a little more work, but that's why I have two more weeks (give or take) to fix them up and make them shiney and nice =] I would really really really LOVE to be cast this semester, but I'm not going to put all my eggs in one basket. Obviously there is plenty of stuff to do around Columbus, and hopefully I will be working tech for the mainstage shows, maybe do a freestage or some community theatre or something like that. Although I always forget that I did the Laramie Project last May and that I need to update my resume. Hah!

I also need a new headshot. A new year - a new headshot! No really, mine is a year old now, and it really doesn't look like ME, you know? I'm not really smiling, etc etc. Plus, my hair is long in it, and that's just not right.

I finially finished Cory's quilt today, he should be happy. I plan on making him pillowcases tomorrow or the next day.

Exciting news: I'm probably going to get paid to paint something for a girl I used to dance with! I mean, not like big bucks or anything, but it's still pretty exciting!

I still hate men, but updating my blog did actually put me in a better mood, surprisingly enough.

=] love you, kids.

"I'll sit and wonder of every love that could have been

if I'd only thought of something charming to say."

artsy girl.

above is a clip of my latest painting. I really like it, because it really represents everything that I wanted it to. the coloring in the back (I'm not sure if you can tell from this clip) is very watery, and flowy and free, and a little bit messy to be honest. there's even some splatter painting involved.

then of course, the representative part is the key itself, which is representative of the key to happiness, success, etc. the words on it are all words that I feel are important to me developing as a person, and I really really like it.

I feel like it was a good peice of art.

In other news, I'm just questioning a lot of my life lately. I don't really know how to not know what I want anymore. I've been so self-assured for so long that the questioning what I want thing just isn't my style. I'm really hoping that when I get back to school everything will magically clear itself up. I just feel like I don't want things that not that long ago I wanted so badly.

What is wrong with me? I don't know. Maybe I'm just growing up.

"then looking upwards, I strain my eyes and try to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

'do they collide?' I ask, and you smile.

with my feet on the dash, the world doesn't matter."

shopping is fun!

so since I was nature girl, then I was sick girl, this weekend I am... girly girl!

that's right! the other day I went and Megan gave me a facial at Merle Norman =] which was amazing and very rejuvenating! Then I went with Megan, Cory, and Tyler to see Mama Mia! again haha. I really do think it's a cute movie. And the "Dancing Queen" scene warms my heart. Haha!

And then the next day (which is yesterday) my mom and I went to the Nail salon and got our manicures and pedicures. Would you believe she had never had her nails done?! Haha, I never had a little flower painted on my toes though, so now I do. =] And of course, I love a good french manicure, yayyy.

And then this morning, I got up early and we went for our hair appointment. basically I still have the same cut, with a little different color. Before it was almost blonde, it was so light, but now it's a bit darker, a more auburn color. I like it a lot.

see? haha. I love it! That necklace is also new, because they were having a sale at the salon (strange, but one of their regular clients was selling jewelry like a fundraiser!) and I think it's pretty interesting!

After that, we went out to lunch at Panera (my favorite) and then went shopping at the mall! My mom got some new clothes from Chico's (which is her favorite) and then we went into Sephora, and I thought we were just looking around, like looking at stuff that we might want one day but were gonna ignore our lust for until we had more money! But I was showing her some stuff I wanted and she got me two things... dun dun dun!

Diorshow mascara!

Haha, seriously it is the most amazing mascara. I am so happy that I have it! But not only did she buy me THAT but she also got me.... Smashbox O Gloss!

Now this is a pretty awesome lipgloss, because it is "intuitive"! Basically it changes tint so that it will compliment the wearer's skintone! It looks different on everyone! And for $22 it better be great!

We also got some underwear at Aerie =] Which is pretty awesome, because I love Aerie underwear, and the separate store from AE has just opened at the Augusta Mall.

Also, we went to Walmart and got LOADS of stuff for Janine and my kitchen! Which is really awesome because we had always had suitemates who had all this kitchen stuff, so we didn't really have anything to cook with now that we don't have suitemates, haha!

So other than the really shallow parts of my life where I go shopping and get all primped up and pretty, I've been okay. I'm excited to be getting back to school. I mean, I miss everyone, and I love my life when I am in Columbus. I feel like I'm actually accomplishing things when I'm there and I love NOT living with my parents, as awesome as they are, and as much as my mom totally spoils me sometimes. (I think she's going through pre-withdrawal again though) But in this strange way, I'm totally nervous. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I don't know what's going to happen (in a lot of aspects of my life) when I get to Columbus - stuff this summer has managed to make me really confused in one department of my life (homewrecking whore, that's me), and then you never know how auditions will go (and I really miss acting), and I feel like there's this whole pool of NEW PEOPLE coming in, you know, freshmen! It's gonna be interesting, that's for sure.

Titanic is on TV. YESSS.