painting.

dabs of paint on canvas
yellows blues and greens
pushing against the course grains with the heel of my hand
and blending them together

you never let go of your brush
single straight lines of black run with the gridlike textures
while my paint falls so delicately with the water
none of my colors blurring into one

you suffocate me with your perfection.
let it go. let it go. let it go.
there's nothing out of place with you -
but for me.

but I'm not on your canvas anymore
colors discarded to the side for your perfect sketches
maybe it's perfect
but it isn't art.

(31 May 2009)

I'm having a really relaxing day. In fact, I am just wearing cheerleading shorts and lazing around my house. I really shouldn't bother writing poetry, but phrases sort of blend together in my head and I think it's the best way to describe the way I feel right now.

I remembered.

There never was a mood of mine,
Gay or heart-broken, luminous or dull,
But you could ease me of its fever
And give it back to me more beautiful.

In many another soul I broke the bread,
And drank the wine and played the happy guest,
But I was lonely, I remembered you;
The heart belongs to him who knew it best.

- "I Remembered" by Sara Teasdale

This is all I will say: I am filled with gratitude that this summer will be spent so very far away from all of this.

It's just really bad when you remember how easily you fit together - and your heart breaks just a little bit more, as though you had never put it back together in the first place.

I cannot wait for my life to begin. I cannot wait to not be reminded of you every single day. I cannot wait to forget.

I spend every day reconfiguring my senses.

I didn't know the rules do not apply.
and then he smiles and nothing else makes sense.

god, here we go again. I'm pretty sure my behavior is bad for my emotional health. other than this factor, my life is going fairly well. Oh, and my car is in the shop right now. Other than those two factors, I really feel like I want to just be lazy and read and be happy and content with myself.

I think this year has changed a lot in me. I am not always on the edge of having some social breakdown (though I won't lie to myself and say they never happen), I've lost friends who I never thought I would, but I strengthened friendships, harbored new ones, dated people I would never expect myself to, developed a crush on a guy friend (ahem, now) that I really would have never expected from me. I think that it's been interesting. I feel more mature, more goal oriented, more... I don't know, I like myself more, I guess.

Yeah, that's it. I'm glad about that. Fly Over Land goes up next weekend, and then Germany time! A lot of exciting things are happening in my life right now. But I think that's the way it's supposed to be when you're young.

it never ceases to amaze her that he can even make her heart skip a small beat, let alone start to pound in her chest. but it also never ceases to get old.

confession number one: shopaholism.

Imagine this: It won't stop raining, your hair is frizzed out to nowheresville. there's nothing to be done about the fact that your eyeliner smudged this morning because of the humidity, and your car hasn't worked in a week. everytime you feel like things have turned right again, something else goes wrong!

what do you do?

drink heavily? nah, that's too much bodily damage for a temporary problem. plus, then you might get stained as an alcoholic. go to sleep? where's the fun in that? cry? oh no, I am not messing up my makeup even MORE!

Shop.

There is nothing like the warm feeling of the florescent lights as you enter a store. The calming effect of the music is hard to ignore too. You browse through the aisles mindlessly and as you peruse the items, you mentally check in a reason that you could purchase any one of them. And finally, you find it.

The perfect selection. It's a mental high. You know exactly how you'll incorporate this new and exciting item into your lifestyle. You have plans for its lifetime with you - it's going to be perfect!

And then comes check out. It's especially poignant if you're using a card to make your purchases, it almost seems like nothing has even happened, you've just found something new for your life! Nothing can compare to the way you feel when you walk out of that store, clutching your purchases as if they were your only chance at happiness.

(and sometimes they are.)

I bought a new CHI straightening iron today. it was a little ridiculous.

summertime.

and the living is easy.

It's been raining for the past few weeks. It's strange, but I never remember much rain growing up. (Well, that's explainable because we've been in drought for as long as I can remember, but you know) I always remember summer being days on end of running and playing and building tee-pees out of pinestraw and fallen trees in the woods. I remember just the blazing summer sun causing my skin to glisten and sweat to form at the edge of my strawberry hair.

I remember countless numbers of plastic bag popsicles and strawberries with sugar for dessert with my family.

I remember the way that I felt so very carefree - and it seemed like summer could last forever. Days of swimming and never worrying about what my hair actually looked like.

Damn, that was a good time.

This summer is so very different. I'm worried about making the rent and paying bills, and I'm going abroad and I'm doing a show (which, in comparison to my childhood summers, doesn't surprise me, considering that I used to make fake talent shows in my back yard!) Life is so different.

(this blog was originally going to be about eating and overweight children because of this episode of Tyra I watched, but I think this is more poignant and more relevant to my life as of now.)

---

He's handsome in a way that no one else really is. She is all coy smiles and misplaced laughs and biting her lip. The mixture is almost too dangerous to the taste for them. (Scene 4, before the first kiss.)

life.

I have a cat. I know it's so retarded cat-lady of me, but the ability to snuggle with Hepcat brings me a lot of joy [= Even if I can't decide on a definite position for the litter box... He is so huggly snuggly that I know I can always love on him!

Lately I am in a shoe funk! I have been wearing cowboy boots and moccasins every day and I need to stop it! So I keep trying to wear heels instead [= or flats. or something OTHER than moccasins and cowboy boots.

I was in a weird mood this morning - and I'm honestly much better than I made myself out to be in my last blog. I am pretty much moved on and I like someone else, I promise. Crazy, but I go through these weird "I'm not quite over it" phases and I just can't shake them off. The day was really good today though and I am really very happy.

I've been trying to think of something poetic to write about in my blog lately, instead of just blahdeblahing about my life, but I think that's what a blog is for, either writing something interesting about your perspective or just talking about your life. So I think it's a "talk about my life" stage right now.


"Life isn’t divided into genres. It’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky."
Alan Moore

remembering.

I miss the way you used to make me smile without any thought - instead of the way you make me half-way cry now.

that's all.

I'm really quite happy, I promise. I just miss that.