I'm not good with words; but that's nothing new.

It's not debilitating to be single. It's really not.

I just feel ugly. I know, it's ridiculous and that I'm totally normal looking but I have a zit the size of Kansas on the side of my nose, my period totally skipped this month (no chance I'm pregnant, I'm just irregular) so I'm psychotically hormonal and bloated and I feel like no one really sees me for who I am anymore.

Which of course, is ridiculous. I know! Sometimes though, I look in the mirror and I don't even see me anymore. Which is scary.

I wish that I wasn't everybody's passing phase girl - the one who you use to distract yourself from the one you really want to be with. I mean, it's not a horrible life. There's plenty of meaningless flirtation, a few unspoken kisses, and a lot of laughter - but ultimately? It would be nice to have someone to run lines with and to help me do the dishes and let me cook eggs in the morning for them. It would be nice to wake up and have someone to text good morning. I know, it's ludicrous and I'm psychotic and should be happy that I'm alive and well and living in a free world where I can go to college and study THEATRE of all things...

But I'm not sure I can be happy alone forever. I'm pretty sure I can do it for this week, most likely this month, but another year of this? I'm not asking someone to want to marry me - that's far from what I want. I just want someone to look at me and think I'm special. I want to think they're special.

But then again, I guess, maybe I'm not.

And GOD. I am the one who always harps on about how people shouldn't put so much energy into finding a mate. I'm always baffled at how important it becomes to some people - what is so incredibly special about it? Why are we so drawn to the idea of giving up so much of ourselves to someone else?

I mean, that's what it is - you wake up one morning and your life isn't your own anymore. You gave it away to this other person and it doesn't matter how much you try to get it back, they're stuck with it and there's nothing you can do.

I cannot decide which is more terrifying - the thought of giving up a part of myself or the thought of being alone with a house full of cats forever.

In other news, I suppose. Batboy is over. So, my first technical theatre experience? I was on fly crew. And it wasn't so awful at all - actually, it was pretty fun. =] I almost miss it. If for no other reason, then because it made me feel a part of something. The show was GREAT and I was really glad I got to say I was part of it, rather than just going to watch it. So all in all - doing tech for Batboy was a positive in my life. Plus, I got to meet some really awesome new freshmen and get to know other people I didn't really know. =]

Other than that, GTC is this weekend (fun abounds!) and fall break as well. Things are going well for me.

I am both happy and sad at the same time.

Trying to rectify the situation only seems to make it worse.