ode to my directing analysis.

oh directing analysis oh directing analysis
I miss when I used to smile(ysis.)
oh directing analysis.

please give me back my life. (or at least an A)
Love, Robin.

strange new habits.

here's a weird habit I've picked up lately:

I'm a generally happy person, anyone will tell you that. I mean, hell, I actually was dumped for being "too happy". But in general, I like to think that it's a good quality of mine. I tend to look on the bright side of things, I work hard, and I make things work.

I think it's being alone that's hard though. Because this is the most bizarre thing. Twice, literally twice, in the past week, I have started crying in the middle of a store when I was doing my compulsory shopping. What is going on with me?

I guess I know what's wrong. I'm just scared to admit it.

Really, everything is fine. I think my life sounds totally depressing if you just read my blog... but in reality my life is awesome. I'm stressed, but I'm doing pretty great. I just bury my emotions and sometimes have to get them out via blog.

did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

something to smile about!

I have had two really good days the past two days.
I think it's rare that they happen in a row so it's totally worth documenting.

=)
Nothing special, really. Just two days of being happy with the life I have. Two days of working hard and seeing results. Two days of free ice cream, coloring books, cheap expensive food, strange rehearsing, and cutting loose. Thank you, ye gods out there. I really needed it.

"happiness is the secret to all beauty - there is no beauty that is attractive without happiness." - christian dior.

what a beautiful mess this is.

I just realized I hadn't blogged in awhile. I'm not sure how I feel lately, I guess that's why. Things are emotionally weirdly difficult for me. I feel like I'm losing and gaining people, and I feel like I'm changing so much. The delicate balance that had been holding my life together on the hinge of a secret completely collapsed a few weeks ago. And now I'm sort of left standing in what's leftover from that. And I'm not really sure what that really is. It's hard to look yourself in the mirror and face all the problems that you would much rather ignore, but sometimes it's completely necessary. I don't think I'm being melodramatic by saying all of this either, I think it's just true. I can always cite when my life is sort of falling apart by the state which I keep my living area, and my apartment has been (for lack of better phrasing) an absolute disaster zone for the past few weeks. I've been sleeping before midnight, sort of just throwing on clothes without much thought, and I've been going through the motions just so I don't have to take the time to face down all of the stupid thoughts that haunt me while I'm trying to get to sleep (thank you advil PM.)

Usually I can put myself together by boiling my problems down to one thing too. "Oh it's because of this... blah blah blah" but really? I think that right now what's bothering me is far more complicated than it's ever been before.

I'm heartbroken. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm terrified of the future. I'm so very regretful.

And yet, everything is fine. I think it's incredible the way life has the ability to destroy you on a weekly basis completely and yet put you back together stitch by stitch. Sure, things blow completely. Sure, you've lost one of your favorite friendships. Sure, you fucked it up. But you know what? Life is FINE. And it goes on. And things change. And you'll be okay.

God. If I had known what life would be like right now last March? I seriously would not have believed myself. That's the incredible way of the world. You'd never guess what you'd really do. You'd never guess where you'd really go and who you'd really love. You'd never know. At all.

So maybe I'm heartbroken. But I'm independent too. And maybe I'm scared. But I really don't have much of a choice. Maybe I'm nervous! So what? I'm great. And maybe I'm terrified of the future - it will come anyway. And I will be fine. But being regretful? I have no idea.

Things are really fine. As per usual.

look into your heart and you'll find love.

Here are the most positive things I can come up with to say about the past week or so:

• The help you really need will come from the most unexpected places.
• You can't always get what you want.
• But in turn, what you want isn't always the right thing for you.
• And in that vein, the love you want isn't always the love you deserve.
• You really can't be sad while listening to any of these songs: "The Longest Time" by Billy Joel, "Send me on My Way" by Rusted Root, and "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz.

So I can't really say what's wrong online. It's a little too personal. Most of my life that I thought I wanted has gone down in flames, but I think I might actually be okay. So that's a step, I suppose.

so much better.

I don't deserve to be treated like shit.

I know this is a chant that everyone recites to themselves when they're allowing themselves to be treated like shit. I KNOW THAT.

But really, genuinely. I deserve better. I came to this conclusion earlier when I went over to see my sister. She literally sat on her bed and told me that she OFTEN thinks about how much she hates how much shit happens to me with men (or something of that nature) and cried about it.

I couldn't handle it. It's like, hearing it from someone else made me feel like it wasn't a self-absorbed complaint. It wasn't just me blowing problems out of perspective and imagining that I am somehow not at fault. I really don't deserve half the shit I get.

I am a nice, pretty, genuinely sweet and caring person. Most of the people who don't like me don't like me for petty and professional reasons (and i don't mean to sound pretentious, but seriously? jealousy is no reason to give up a friendship. ever. you were probably never really friends with that person to begin with and it's probably good you're not a part of their lives anymore.)

And I think I just need someone to tell me to stop letting people shit on me before I realized that they were even doing it. Seriously?

I don't fucking deserve this. And anyone who treats me like that is just a big fucking pimple on the face of my awesome life. (thank you Laura.)

And I'm seriously ready to take some risks because in the end? I deserve better. I will have better.

And not in a cheesy- cliche- chick lit way.
In a real way.