I just realized I hadn't blogged in awhile. I'm not sure how I feel lately, I guess that's why. Things are emotionally weirdly difficult for me. I feel like I'm losing and gaining people, and I feel like I'm changing so much. The delicate balance that had been holding my life together on the hinge of a secret completely collapsed a few weeks ago. And now I'm sort of left standing in what's leftover from that. And I'm not really sure what that really is. It's hard to look yourself in the mirror and face all the problems that you would much rather ignore, but sometimes it's completely necessary. I don't think I'm being melodramatic by saying all of this either, I think it's just true. I can always cite when my life is sort of falling apart by the state which I keep my living area, and my apartment has been (for lack of better phrasing) an absolute disaster zone for the past few weeks. I've been sleeping before midnight, sort of just throwing on clothes without much thought, and I've been going through the motions just so I don't have to take the time to face down all of the stupid thoughts that haunt me while I'm trying to get to sleep (thank you advil PM.)
Usually I can put myself together by boiling my problems down to one thing too. "Oh it's because of this... blah blah blah" but really? I think that right now what's bothering me is far more complicated than it's ever been before.
I'm heartbroken. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm terrified of the future. I'm so very regretful.
And yet, everything is fine. I think it's incredible the way life has the ability to destroy you on a weekly basis completely and yet put you back together stitch by stitch. Sure, things blow completely. Sure, you've lost one of your favorite friendships. Sure, you fucked it up. But you know what? Life is FINE. And it goes on. And things change. And you'll be okay.
God. If I had known what life would be like right now last March? I seriously would not have believed myself. That's the incredible way of the world. You'd never guess what you'd really do. You'd never guess where you'd really go and who you'd really love. You'd never know. At all.
So maybe I'm heartbroken. But I'm independent too. And maybe I'm scared. But I really don't have much of a choice. Maybe I'm nervous! So what? I'm great. And maybe I'm terrified of the future - it will come anyway. And I will be fine. But being regretful? I have no idea.
Things are really fine. As per usual.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment