I'm fine. I promise. I'm pretty sure it's an awful idea to break up with someone when they're in the middle of a nervous breakdown though. I'll be fine. I don't hate Brian, if anything, I miss him. I am, of course, angry. But it's just a phase you have to go through, I think. And I think I'll be angry for a little while longer. I think I'll listen to "Gives you Hell" and "Seventy times 7" a bazillion times before I can really move on and I'll think about spreading nasty rumors or putting laxatives in brownies or something crazy, but I never really would. He really didn't do anything WRONG. But yeah. I miss him.
Yeah, I miss him.
If anything good comes of this - it's nice to feel like I can date people again. It's nice not to feel like I'm destroyed anymore. After Logan, after everything, I felt like a pile of broken organs in a sack of skin. There was nothing that could make me a whole person and no matter how hard I tried, I wanted very much just to rewind back to high school and feel indestructable again.
Putting yourself back together after something like that is hard - and you can't do it with anyone. You have to do it yourself. You have to be beautiful, and you have to be strong, and you have to do it on your own. And I'm proud to say that I did. And I'm glad that when my heart was ready to open up (just a little bit) to the idea of dating again, it was Brian who was there.
Heartache, no matter how big or how little, always destroys you a little bit. Brian bruised my heart, he didn't break it. He's a wonderful person, and there's no way I could be truly mad at him. If nothing else, it was a wonderful month with a wonderful person. I wish I could rewind and live it over and over again, but obviously it wasn't going to work for him. No matter how much my heart longs for that to be different, there's nothing I can do about it. I accept it. I have to pick up my organs, put them back in place, and move on with my life.
I think this is the best perspective I've had since Monday about this situation. Probably because I'm going to be okay. I knew I would.
Other than that, I have: Machinal, Stage Management (AHH STRESS), One Act Auditions, Belly of the Whale, Situations, CLASS CLASS CLASS, money and car problems, my parents moving (I really am more upset about this than I'd like to admit - it makes me feel really childish), friends to keep up with, and of course, recovering from the loss of something in my life that made me truly happy.
I just want to fast forward to the part where we can be friends again. I want to fast forward to the part where I get to sleep in. I want to fast forward to the part where I meet someone new. I want to fast forward past this waking up a tiny bit better each day and go straight to being happy.
Here are my thoughts on happiness - You choose whether or not you are. Sometimes things aren't worth feeling all that pain over. It's okay to brush it to the side and look at the BIG PICTURE. Being happy is easier than people make it out to be. If I were more fatalistic, I'd probably let this nervous breakdown keep me down. I'd probably stop wearing my favorite clothes, and stop eating. (And I can't say I haven't been guilty of the latter for the past few days, but I'm getting better) But I CHOOSE to move on. I CHOOSE happiness. I don't CHOOSE to wallow in self-pity and poetic pain or whatever you think it more beautiful than happiness. That's bullshit. If you don't think that choosing to be happy is real and if you think that no one can choose to be happy every day, you're wrong. Some days are not good. Some days are terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days, but then the next day? the next day is usually better.
The glass is half full, in my book. And I just need to find someone else who agrees.
In general: I miss him, but I'm still happy. I want to fast foward to the part where there isn't pressure in my chest to fight down my general zest for life. I want to fast forward to the part where it's easy to see him again. I want to get to the curtain call of the year, and the kiss at the end of the movie.
And for the record - never think of the long run. There's no such thing. The long run doesn't exist - you might step out into the road and die tomorrow, and then would the suffering of the day before be worth the "long run"? Hell no.
"happiness is the secret to all beauty. there is no beauty that is attractive without happiness." - christian dior.
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