the joy and the fear.

I hate the stress of checking my email.

I'm not kidding - it literally makes my heart skip a little bit and I get a little sweaty just waiting for my stupid colstate.edu email to load. I think it's some subconscious belief that I'll receive some email that will inform me that everything I'm doing is all in vain. That I won't graduate on time, that I'm failing a class, that I owe them money, that they're kicking me out of school, YOU NAME IT. I have imagined it while waiting for my email to load. I'm not sure where that belief stems from, but I literally feel like that every time I check my email. Every. Time. (even in the summer when I know I won't be receiving anything!)

And thus starts a new academic year at CSU for me. It's funny, because in the past two years that I've been here in Columbus studying theatre, I've felt virtually the same. I look the same (Short red hair. Somewhere between 130 and 150 pounds. Huge boobs. Blue eyes. Big nose. Fun fashion.), I'm doing the same things, I'm pining after the same things, I'm just... the same. But you know what's weird? I feel really different this year.

I've been trying to take the past week or so to do some self-evaluation. This summer has been one of a lot of new experiences for me (not all of which have to do with being abroad.) I feel like I am just a richer person for going to Germany, for being friends with the people I'm friends with, for FINALLY finding forgiveness, for learning to be myself alone.

Getting to the point: I have totally different goals now. Other times I've always been hoping to meet someone who will sweep me off my feet, and hey - I've been swept! And then dropped. And honestly? I don't need it now! I don't need heartache - this is my time to shine! This is my time to dedicate to my art, this is my time to learn as much as I can. (Mind you, this is a conclusion I came to earlier today. I may get needy when that time of the month rolls around again!) I'm ready to just keep working on things.

And I am really excited about directing class specifically. I think it'll be something fresh and new for me to look at in theatre, and while I KNOW it's going to be a ton of work, I think I am ready for it!

Even though checking my email will still stress me out.