the story of my life. (or, moving on.)

I didn't want to see him yesterday. I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy for him, to explain how badly I wanted to be friends with him, I didn't want that. I just wanted to continue living my life without seeing him ever.

But I had to see him. And I did. And I gave him my fake schpiel about how happy I was "blah blah blah" and he managed to insult me within three minutes of seeing him (unintentionally of course, he's a sweet guy underneath it all.) and managed to assume that anything I wanted to talk to him about was about his new relationship (which it really wasn't. I really wanted to talk about the future of OUR friendship and if there even was one.)

And I came to this conclusion - it's not going to change. He's not going to wake up one day and care about me as much as I cared about him.

And then I came to the next conclusion - I don't care about him as much as I used to. (this is the big one.) It's not that I don't want him to be happy, I just don't think that as a part of my life I need to be yearning for his approval anymore.

So yeah. I care about him, and he is my friend. But we're never going to be best friends. It will always be a little bit tainted with how he broke my heart and made me feel as though I wasn't good enough. And that's fine. I don't resent him, I don't want anything bad for him. I just know that I can move on with my life.

Finally.

I was down and I did not understand
Was afraid couldn't wash it off my hands
So I rose and I flew right from that place
Got my wish that I'll never be the same
Then I was alone
- Guster's "I'm Through"

----

Thus starts a new year. A new time, I suppose. I'm different. I'm happy again. Maybe I'm starting out the year as the only single girl in my apartment, maybe I'm feeling a little blue because I can never seem to keep a man interested very long. But you know what? That's FINE. I'm fine.

Because honestly? I would rather be alone than be the basketcase I was last semester. Truthfully, I was a total wreck. And I never want to spend another morning waking up in tears because I don't want to get out of bed or get dressed. I WANT to be happy. I want to choose what I do and who I hang out with.

And who knows? Someone might come along. Someone might stand up to the plate. But if they don't? I'll be fine. There are lots of really cool, happy, single people in the world.

And plus, hot sex with random strangers is still an option.... JUST KIDDING.

These are the thoughts on my mind, but only considering romance. Obviously there is other stuff going on as well.

Love you kids.