trusted girl friday.

conclusions I've come to about my dating life:

I am pretty enough to be a pretty girl. I am not pretty enough to be THE pretty girl. I'm friends with THE pretty girl. I'm not entirely repulsive, but I'm not really all that attractive either. Which is ok. I think it's fine, because I'm fun people, and if someone doesn't want to bother to get to know me before forming an attraction, then they're honestly not my kind of people. And it's not like I think I'm ugly either. I have interesting features. And I don't actually hate the way I look. I mean, I should still groom in the mornings, but for the most part, I think I'm ok looking. I could stand to drop a few pounds, and my skin isn't as good as it could be, but those are minor details. Anyway.

But this seems to be the common misconception:

I am the kind of girl who doesn't date. I guess I kind of support that misconception by being ridiculously picky as I am. But I'm definitely friend material. I think it's because I want to BE friends first. I can't just meet you and start dating you. I don't function that way. I need someone who I can be totally comfortable with. I don't want to waste time dating someone who makes me really uncomfortable. That doesn't make sense to me in my brain.

And the whole awkward "do you want to be my boyfriend" thing just stresses me out. I've never been one to put titles on things. I guess that's another reason why people don't date me. I'm not titley.

I don't flirt either. Or I don't realize it when I do. Half the time FRIENDS of mine have to tell me when someone is flirting with me. I try to decode flirtation but I just end up confused and feeling like a philandering homewrecking slut.

Because the only people who ever flirt with me are guys who either are in relationships or are just trying to get over relationships or have horrible commitment issues and have broken one of my friend's hearts. So please! If you have made any of my friends cry, please clarify if you are flirting with me or not, because I DON'T know. I don't have female censors that say "omg he is flirting with me giggle giggle" I'm just weird all the time. And if I need to feel like a philandering homewrecking slut, I'd like to know it.

(that passage was mostly sarcastic. mostly.)

I'm busy like 90% of the time. And I don't mean, "busy but we can still talk on the phone" busy, I mean, "omfg I'm gonna die if I don't get this done" busy. Which is fine with me, but kind of puts a cramp on dating. That doesn't seem like it's that serious, but a lot of budding relationships of mine in the past have actually been squashed by my inability to commit any time to them since I was so ridiculously busy! I hate my horrible life.

And how's this - while I am actually pretty irrational, I tend not to be the clingy one in relationships. (believe that or not.) Sure, I like you. Sure, I wanna be with you. I do not want to spend 100% of my time with you. It's just not my vibe, being the obsessive couple. I like my space to be who I am with my friends, and I don't want to think about getting married - that scares the shit out of me. On the one hand, I don't want to waste my time and energy on a relationship that doesn't mean anything, but on the other hand, I want to know that I'll be free to follow my own dreams.

Another reason I suck at dating: I actually DISCOURAGE guys who like me from liking me because I feel sorry for them, because they don't know what they're getting themselves into. How messed up is that? Though I am going to stop doing this, I felt it was worth noting.

This is my real fear: I am the girl who people hook up with at parties and hope that they are gone in the morning. I am so scared that someone thinks that about me. Because that is NOT who I am.

This is who I really am: I am the girl who makes scambled eggs the next morning (not implying sex, just that I ended up spending the night there). I want a boyfriend who will give me a drawer in his dresser if I spend the night too much so I don't have to make the walk of shame. I want a boyfriend who doesn't care that I'm basically emotionally disconnected and not a normal female most days and then all of a sudden insanely emotional on other days. I know, they're hard to come by but they must exist. I want to go on a camping trip. I want to travel before I start working. I want so many different things from life.

And I don't want to change who I am.

But you know - there has to be some guy out there who just wants the damn scrambled eggs.

Haha.

Ok. Basically, I'm going to be a catlady for the rest of my life, and I've just detailed why.

Don't think this is a desperate attempt to get a date because it's not. I actually really don't want to have to change any of my "undateable" qualities. I want someone to come a long and not mind those qualities. Hopefully he will someday. [=

I feel better now. And less like a philandering homewrecking slut who only ever gets hit on after a relationship ends.

I'm girl friday. But I'm okay with it. For now.

not so deep.

I keep trying to be deep, but really, there's no point, because I'm not feeling thoughtful tonight.

I hate men. I really do. It would be much more convenient for me if I could just be attracted to women, but alas, I do love the menfolk. At either rate though, I feel that they are a complete waste of energy, due to the fact that they are all out to make me feel like a philandering slut. (Please, don't ask.)

I'm not dying of swimmer's ear, thank God. But I do still feel like I'm underwater for the most part.

I'm still in love with the baby sea turtles. And here's a thought: don't dump coke or any other kind of drink into a parking lot. because when it rains (which it pretty much does almost every afternoon in the summer), that gets washed directly into the storm drains which do not go through water treatment plants, they just go to the stream. So it's basically like dumping coke into the streams that we have. It's actually better to dump it into the grass, because then the water from your soda/juice/etc has time to diffuse itself from all the chemicals before making it to the stream - eight years approximately! Eight years versus the next time it rains? I'd take the eight years.

The things I learned on my science trip.

vicodin-induced sleep.

yep, twenty eight hours of vicodin-enduced sleep, and still counting.

my dialogue with the doctor at prompt care:
me: god, I'm such a baby, it's just swimmer's ear.
doctor: I had swimmer's ear a few years back - and when one of my colleagues told me what it was, I said, "oh no, I have to have a brain tumor or something. nothing that is named 'swimmers ear' can be this painful."

so I don't feel so insane.
basically my ear is totally infected and disgusting and I'm hoping for it to be better by the morning or the next day.

at least by Thursday, I don't think I can sleep for three days straight, and I'm not good at recovering when I'm awake.

Vicodin is nice.

I probably won't upload pictures from my trip until after I get off the vicodin and start staying awake for more than thirty minutes at a time.

Thank god for box dvd sets.

but I don't swim.

I have swimmer's ear. Which is pretty lame considering that I don't swim.
Right now, it's basically under control, but I am super tired of having everything on my right side sound like I'm underwater. Haha.

I'm home now. Back to my social lifestyle. Mother and I are supposed to go get our nails done today, but that's assuming my swimmer's ear doesn't worsen and I don't have to go to the doctor.

(I got water in my ear approximately three days ago, and we had nothing on the island to get it out, and yesterday my jaw started freezing up. When I take advil and put some homeopathic eardrops in (the acohol worked at first but now it makes it burn like hell and doesn't really help) I can actually deal with the muffled sounds because it doesn't hurt at all. So I'm hoping it just goes away on it's own. Ergh.)

As Janine says, "I'm Robin and I have an ailment. Everyone should know about it."

I'm happy to be home.

I move in on Saturday, August 15th at 2:30 PM to my dorm again [= there are not words to explain my excitement about that! WOOOO

I'm going to upload my trip pictures later today. Perhaps post them.

I feel exhausted.

So as it is, I feel like my days have been interesting enough to update daily.

Today was a full day on Saint Catherine's Island and now that I have had a historical/informational tour, I can tell you a little more about it!

But first things first, not only did I get to SEE baby sea turtles get released into the ocean, but I got to HELP RELEASE THEM. Maybe it's just me but it feels like a once-in-a-lifetime experience (at least for someone like me, whose feild has nothing to do with sea turtles!). It was incredible to think that they had just hatched earlier that day and they were about to swim hundreds of miles! Amazing.

But anyway, today we woke up and took a historical tour of Saint Catherine's, including some of the old slave settlements, the old mission church (which was apparently the first established church in the state of Georgia?), and the Button Gwinnett House, which by the way - is GORGEOUS. Though it does seem like something that a murder mystery would take place in.

(pictures will be posted up - probably Monday?)

Basically the island is a reserve. It's funded by the Saint Catherine's Foundation and they rehabilitate wild animals and watch the environment basically as it naturally is. Like if a tree falls in the forrest, they don't move it. No one is allowed on the island except by invitation, and it's usually only for scientific or archaelogical reasons. Which is pretty cool. So it's really pretty much gorgeous.

Late this afternoon I went out early to the beach with a few others and we went and picked up sea shells - some of the biggest conch shells I've seen in forever! Just some incredible finds, to be honest. Then we went seining out in the ocean - which is exhausting. Basically we hauled in a lot of fish, but the coolest thing of all was this three foot (that is a rough personal estimate. we took a measurement for documentation) stingray that Shannon and I pulled in. It was just a beautiful creature.

Then we headed back for some low country boil. YUM.

As much fun as I am having though, I'm definitely ready to be home. Days on this trip are LONG, and I've overheated more than a few times and gotten sick. I am tired of smelling like bug spray and I'm ready for my feet to feel clean and dry most of the time! Haha. No really, I am ready for school to start back in a big way. I want it to be August 15th so badly!

It's just that I want something to do, but I want it to be what I love, and not just science. Which can be super fun, but can also be super annoying haha.

Basically, I'm having fun, but the fun needs to end soon.

(Tomorrow, we go help with Turtle Eggs then we go out on the troller and then seine some more. Then dinner and bed. Then Sunday morning we pack up and leave for home, thank goodness!)

I don't mean to sound whiney, but it's just time.

nature girl.

I feel like these past two weeks, I've just been such a nomad. (Thanks for the thought, Janine.)

I'm enrolled in a summer biology course called Mountains to the Sea - basically it is a comprehensive summer environmental science course that covers the basics of watersheds in Georgia from literally the Mountains to the Sea. We started out up in the North Georgia mountains at Unicoi State Park and then worked our way through the Coastal Plains at Athens and in Augusta, then to the wetlands at Okeefenokee! (which was one of my favorite days so far, and was also yesterday.)

Today was pretty good though too. We started off at the Coastal Resources Division and went out onto a research troller (which is basically a boat that carries a big net behind it for fifteen minutes then pulls it up and you look at what you've caught) and we pulled out a lot of fish and shrimp, but we even got a lot of sting rays and even... dun dun dun... a shark! It was pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.

Then we went on a walk through the salt marsh, which I won't lie, I did not find to be quite as awesome. I mean, it was cool for about five minutes but then it got really really hot.

Then we drove up to the dock where we loaded all of our crap up on boats (and they mocked me for bringing my laptop, but there IS WIRELESS, ok?!) and we took off on the thirty minute boat ride to Saint Catherine's Island. It's a barrier island off the coast of Georgia and basically it's a wildlife preserve and rehabilitation center. I've only done two things while I was here: unload stuff off of boats and drive it back on a gator. So I can't tell you too much about what's ON the island currently, but that it's really hot, and that we are staying in replicas of slave cabins (one of them actually is an old slave cabin, but I'm grateful to know for my supersticious side that ours is a replica.)

Basically, we are going to have dinner at 7 then class for awhile (ugh) and then we will go out after dark and watch some baby sea turtles be released into the ocean =] then more class? idk. Historic tour tomorrow! And some more trolling and seining for offshore wildlife. I'm kind of excited about tomorrow, but not for class haha.

SOAPBOX: Something I really really don't understand - why all these scientists and biologists and conservationalists who know so much about natural things SMOKE?! And IN the nature that they so want to preserve. Maybe it's just my juvenile not all that intelligent mind that says - I don't know if dropping your tobacco chemical filled ash on the ground is good for the environment? It bothers me. Also bothersome: the thought that we cannot step on any human toes to fix our environmental problems. I don't understand - if we made the world aware of some of the problems that we have in our watersheds (or anywhere else for that matter) I don't know why people would have a problem with changing the way that we live - and even if they did, why they couldn't just pass a law and they could just gripe about it for the rest of their lives? haha. Maybe that's just me. But there seem to be a lot of problems that we have that are easily solvable if people actually KNEW about them.

I'm ready to be home, where taking a shower means that I won't really get dirty, just that I will take another one out of habit later on that day.

I also wish I had the energy to work out, but the days are really long on this trip.

After this: only three weeks left until school starts! Lord.

a brief introduction.

Basically, I started a blog because I needed a new way to journal.

I'm not very interesting.

My name is Robin. I'm nineteen years old, as is. I have red hair, but it's somewhat unnatural. I'm a little fat, but not so much that you would really even notice. My nose is big, my eyes are light blue, and I am "shapely". I like to think I'm awkwardly pretty.

I'm a student at Columbus State University, and I'm majoring in Theatre Performance (BFA). My sophomore year is about to begin, and I'm pretty psyched, if I do say so myself. Theatre has been my passion since the opening night of my very first show (which was Footloose. I was fourteen and on the dance corps.), but only at the end of my high school years did I begin to think it would be my life's passion. While high school, with my insanely genius director, Roy Lewis, made me a good actress, I feel like going off to college is making me a great one. (Well, I hope.) I've done a lot of growing in the last year, and I don't like to brag (and I won't, because I don't have to) but I'm pretty proud of some of my work.

Back to the basics, though. I come from your typical American family. I have two parents (who are still together) and two sisters. All of whom drive me completely insane on a regular basis. My father owns his own computer repairs company (which he runs out of our garage. feel free to estimate how much money he makes doing that, you're probably right.) and my mother teaches high school science. So money is actually kind of tight. Especially when you consider that four out of five of us are currently enrolled in college. My older sister, Megan, is 22 and will be starting her graduate school at Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland this fall, studying Irish literature. My younger sister is actually attending my school, CSU in the fall, and I have no idea what she'll finalize as her major. My mother is attending graduate school at Augusta State to get her degree for administration, and then there's me. The aspiring actress and all around goofball.

I have wonderful friends. I have my best friend of seventeen years, Anna. She's really sweet, and it never matters how long it's been since we've hung out - we can always figure something to talk about. Then there's my other best friend, Laura. She's a real hippy, but she probably wouldn't appreciate me saying that. She's pretty much wonderful, and I'm not entirely sure I would function without her. Then there's my goofball roommate, Janine, who can get me through any crisis with an awkward dance and a pint of ice cream (who also looks like a supermodel, may I note.). Then there's my Cory. I call him my Cory in my head, and I don't know why. He's a hoot and a half, and I don't know what I'd do without our weekly fights. And Megan, who is my fashionista crazy Jew friend, who will always provide insight into my soul. And then there's Jason. Who I have always loved and always will, even when he leaves me. My very first gay ex-boyfriend and the left side of Patrick Swayze. (Don't ask.) I have other friends, but those are the official "best friends" (and really, those aside, I probably have more people who I would consider a best friend too. I can't decide, you know me.)

Here is a random list of things I like, in no particular order: theatre, dance, choreography, music, art, painting, bright colors, parties, laughing, stupid jokes, ridiculous dancing around my apartment, cajun food, unique fashions, trendy things, cute underwear, shopping, pretty things, rhinestones, glitter, the outdoors, water, yoga, sarcasm, good movies, bad movies, crappy television, health foods, and coca cola.

Basically, I'm a walking contradiction.