trusted girl friday.

conclusions I've come to about my dating life:

I am pretty enough to be a pretty girl. I am not pretty enough to be THE pretty girl. I'm friends with THE pretty girl. I'm not entirely repulsive, but I'm not really all that attractive either. Which is ok. I think it's fine, because I'm fun people, and if someone doesn't want to bother to get to know me before forming an attraction, then they're honestly not my kind of people. And it's not like I think I'm ugly either. I have interesting features. And I don't actually hate the way I look. I mean, I should still groom in the mornings, but for the most part, I think I'm ok looking. I could stand to drop a few pounds, and my skin isn't as good as it could be, but those are minor details. Anyway.

But this seems to be the common misconception:

I am the kind of girl who doesn't date. I guess I kind of support that misconception by being ridiculously picky as I am. But I'm definitely friend material. I think it's because I want to BE friends first. I can't just meet you and start dating you. I don't function that way. I need someone who I can be totally comfortable with. I don't want to waste time dating someone who makes me really uncomfortable. That doesn't make sense to me in my brain.

And the whole awkward "do you want to be my boyfriend" thing just stresses me out. I've never been one to put titles on things. I guess that's another reason why people don't date me. I'm not titley.

I don't flirt either. Or I don't realize it when I do. Half the time FRIENDS of mine have to tell me when someone is flirting with me. I try to decode flirtation but I just end up confused and feeling like a philandering homewrecking slut.

Because the only people who ever flirt with me are guys who either are in relationships or are just trying to get over relationships or have horrible commitment issues and have broken one of my friend's hearts. So please! If you have made any of my friends cry, please clarify if you are flirting with me or not, because I DON'T know. I don't have female censors that say "omg he is flirting with me giggle giggle" I'm just weird all the time. And if I need to feel like a philandering homewrecking slut, I'd like to know it.

(that passage was mostly sarcastic. mostly.)

I'm busy like 90% of the time. And I don't mean, "busy but we can still talk on the phone" busy, I mean, "omfg I'm gonna die if I don't get this done" busy. Which is fine with me, but kind of puts a cramp on dating. That doesn't seem like it's that serious, but a lot of budding relationships of mine in the past have actually been squashed by my inability to commit any time to them since I was so ridiculously busy! I hate my horrible life.

And how's this - while I am actually pretty irrational, I tend not to be the clingy one in relationships. (believe that or not.) Sure, I like you. Sure, I wanna be with you. I do not want to spend 100% of my time with you. It's just not my vibe, being the obsessive couple. I like my space to be who I am with my friends, and I don't want to think about getting married - that scares the shit out of me. On the one hand, I don't want to waste my time and energy on a relationship that doesn't mean anything, but on the other hand, I want to know that I'll be free to follow my own dreams.

Another reason I suck at dating: I actually DISCOURAGE guys who like me from liking me because I feel sorry for them, because they don't know what they're getting themselves into. How messed up is that? Though I am going to stop doing this, I felt it was worth noting.

This is my real fear: I am the girl who people hook up with at parties and hope that they are gone in the morning. I am so scared that someone thinks that about me. Because that is NOT who I am.

This is who I really am: I am the girl who makes scambled eggs the next morning (not implying sex, just that I ended up spending the night there). I want a boyfriend who will give me a drawer in his dresser if I spend the night too much so I don't have to make the walk of shame. I want a boyfriend who doesn't care that I'm basically emotionally disconnected and not a normal female most days and then all of a sudden insanely emotional on other days. I know, they're hard to come by but they must exist. I want to go on a camping trip. I want to travel before I start working. I want so many different things from life.

And I don't want to change who I am.

But you know - there has to be some guy out there who just wants the damn scrambled eggs.

Haha.

Ok. Basically, I'm going to be a catlady for the rest of my life, and I've just detailed why.

Don't think this is a desperate attempt to get a date because it's not. I actually really don't want to have to change any of my "undateable" qualities. I want someone to come a long and not mind those qualities. Hopefully he will someday. [=

I feel better now. And less like a philandering homewrecking slut who only ever gets hit on after a relationship ends.

I'm girl friday. But I'm okay with it. For now.