there's still a little bit of your song in my ear.

You know what I want? Warm fuzzy feelings.
As much as I harp on and on about how it's not debilitating to my life, I really want a boyfriend. And not someone who will tell me I'm beautiful or take me out to dinner. I just want someone who will sit with me while I watch trash tv or talk to me about nothing at all for hours. I want someone who will run lines with me (thanks for the thought, J.) and someone who I can cook food for.
I want to feel like I deserve all that. And yet, every time I even think about being physically affectionate, it's so tainted with stupid memories. I'm not sure how to fix myself. How to feel like I actually deserve to be happy with someone. I'm not sure how to feel so indestructable that I would put myself in someone else's hands anymore. Because lately I just feel like everything I say is wrong, everything I do just doesn't fit. I mean, it's not the worst thing in the world - being single. The worst thing is realizing that it's because of him. It's because he broke me. He made me this cold, scared, stubborn person that I am.
The worst part is that I feel like being alone forever is worth never having to feel like I did those weeks ever again.

Maybe I'm just cut out to live the life alone.
It's not the worst thing that could happen.

I want someone to kiss me and remember it later. I want HIM to feel sorry for what he made me.

I wish you still liked me.

there's no place like...

I'm home in Augusta, and that always puts me in the mood to update my blog.

Things have been good recently. School is stressful as always. The Kelly's Truck Stop Bop went REALLY well (yay!) and I really want to go do it on tour if we go. Seriously! =] Love!

Tomorrow is the presentation for Mountains to Sea. I really hope I am not going to look retarded. Haha, I'm not a teacher... let alone a science teacher!

A lot of things are confusing lately. Sometimes I wish I could just stop time and figure things out but I guess you can't do that.

I'm a little sleepy, so this update kind of sucks. So like I said, I'm home. I really didn't even notice that I hadn't been home in two months. I feel like my life just gets really hectic at school, and I lose track of how long its been since I've been home. Or maybe I just get to the point where I don't want to drive four hours..? I'm not sure. Either way, I'm home for the weekend to make my presentation, but sadly, I don't have much time here. I always find that I never have enough time when I come home on the weekends to see all the people I want to see. Which makes me feel bad, blah blah blah.

At either rate, it's nice to have a little alone time. Not that I mind having friends around all the time. You're never REALLY alone at college, anyway. It's nice to just be in my room relaxing. Thankfully, class isn't until 1 tomorrow so I am going to sleep until 11.

Also nice: eating my parents' food. getting paid. new headshots.

hopefully, I will get everything done I need to get done this week.

maybe you'll be the one that I like best.

bought an umbrella big enough for two

but it feels pretty empty under here without you.

I've been feeding my brainchild lately - with the help of Janine, I'm writing a modern day folk-indie ballet set to all quirky music and telling a modern love story of young artists. Of course, it's not going to be the most award winning new ballet ever, but I'm pretty much dying to finish working everything out in logistics and (HOPEFULLY if I can get it approved as a freestage for next semester or fall semester of next year) casting and performing it? I am going to try to get the proposal in ASAP (as soon as I finish figuring out the songs/plot/transitions so that it's a cohesive PEICE instead of just a vagueish idea)... well anyway, I really hope it happens. I know that it would be a huge responsibility and it's not EXACTLY theatre, but there would be a good deal of acting in it... so if it gets approved, and you read this blog, I'm telling you that it's actually really good ALREADY and I really just want dedicated people (not everyone has to be the best dancer ever! the way I have it set up is that there are four principle dancers and six ensemble dancers.) At either rate, some of the music includes: The Ditty Bops, Bishop Allen, Jack Johnson, Feist, Kate Nash, Bright Eyes, Damien Rice... if you really want to know more about it I've been obsessed with just writing it lately so I will babble on to you about it for an hour. The tracks are amazing!

Other than that... my life? Kelly's Truck Stop Bop opens tomorrow! I'm pretty happy about it actually. It's a totally cute show, and I'm pretty happy to be working with everyone involved. =] Uhm... Hm.

GTC Juries are also tomorrow - I think they just want us to do our peices so they can give feedback though. I'm weirdly nervous about it but I'm sure when it's over I'll be like "wow, I'm retarded for being nervous" (which is usually how I react after these situations are over). I also have scheduled to get new headshots taken on Monday. Busy busy bee, that's me!

Classes are going well. Acting is... well I have a hard time thinking of activities! Right now they just have to be really demanding and a 9 on the 1-10 scale of how hellacious completing the activity would be. I would do physics word problems but apparently that puts me up in my head too much? (Physics word problems ARE my hell on earth.) But when it's all said and done I really do feel myself learning a lot, so it's good.

Uhm, I'm doing a speech in communications about the negative effects of the mass media on body image in women. I'm pretty excited because it's something I really really care about a lot.

I don't like anyone right now. I would explain WHAT happened, because I came to a realization that ended my last "crush", persay. But I would have to explain exactly who it was and what about him changed to me.. at either rate, I find life so much easier when I don't like anyone. It's so easy for me to just have friends and focus on my work.

accoustic guitar playing softly in the background

of the corners of my mind

I sit and think of all the things we could have

would have

should have said

and I laugh - I wonder

would it really have made that much of a difference?

<3

in the mind of a ginger snap.

I'm not sure how to articulate life lately? Maybe that's why I never update my blog. Proper articulation of the facts (the whole truth) seems to be what I usually go for and lately I'm not sure what to make of anything anymore.

I'm starting to feel like dating is just not something that I'm ever going to be able to make coincide with my life. It doesn't debilitate me to be single though, so I'm fine. I really don't like anyone right now (I mean, commitally. Like sure I find people ATTRACTIVE still, but I don't want to date anyone in specific) so I guess that kind of stems the way I've been feeling about dating. Like it's a little bit pointless at this point... for me, anyway.

School is stressful. It's at that point in the semester where everything goes by really ludicrously fast and you just can't seem to stop things from happening because they go by so quickly! Kelly's Truck Stop Bop is about to open on Friday... I have to make a presentation for Mountains to Sea the following weekend. One of the mainstage shows for this semester has come and gone through it's mainstage run (tour show)! Like I didn't realize how quickly my sophomore year has gone so far! (I even feel like that picture above was taken so long ago!)

A Thought: ALL MEN ARE MORE ATTRACTIVE IF THEY DRESS THEMSELVES WELL. It's just the truth. No, you will not look gay unless you ACT gay! You can definitely dress well, look straight, and you'll be 90% more attractive! Haha, I just was thinking about a conversation Janine and I had yesterday and that thought crossed my mind...

I'm exhausted... as always.

I hate grocery shopping.

I have really great friends. =]

I hope tomorrow is like today.

I had a really good day today. First off, I am wearing a really cute outfit. Secondly, I got a nice mid-morning nap in after theatre history. Third, they had fresh baked cookies at the market today! Fourth, instead of working in the costume shop today, we got to watch Cows Don't Fly (the tour show), and then I had dance class (which is my favorite) and rehearsal. All in all, a really wonderful day.

Just thinking, they're so rare, wonderful days. It's hard to believe that they only come by so often but when they do, it's pretty amazing.

(of course, there are things bothering me. but I feel like it would sully the good day to write about them.)

(seriously, I miss Laura.)

be calm. be brave. it'll be okay.

there are a few things about life that I find infinitely frustrating and infinitely amazing all at the same time -

the first one is change. and it kind of goes with everything that's going on. you change. your style changes. your hair grows, you get taller, bigger, smaller, whatever. people around you change. your taste in music changes. sometimes I feel like I wish I had put the freeze button on last semester around late march - and honestly, I think if I could have, I would have. I would have remained forever in that state that I was in because I was so effing happy that I don't think I'll ever hit that point of elation again. But then, there were also bad things in my life that are actually, in fact, better now. I'm not sure, sometimes I wish I could just stop time for a second and figure things out. relationships change. you realize who you are and what you want and I'm not really sure that I am in the place I want to be now, but I'm scared of hurting people in the process of becoming who I want to be. That was my food for thought of the day, I suppose. Don't read too much into it, you'll probably guess wrong.

I never realized how NOT over the whole Logan situation I was until this summer. Every angry poem I write is about him, every time I think about liking a guy, I'm reminded of the shit he used to say to me that at the time I saw NOTHING WRONG WITH. Somehow I'm mindboggled at how I let him treat me so crappy. Sometimes I'm not. I'm not sure. But I never realized how much it actually affected the way I view myself in relationships. I guess I thought I was over it for a long time, and I tried to distract myself repetitively until I realized I wasn't. And honestly - I'm still dealing with fallout from it. One thing - I'm pretty sure I'll never be the same as I used to be.

I kind of miss that old Robin though. She's been gone for a long time, these days.

I guess it's weird. I'm going through all these strange emotional things lately. I've never dealt with so many emotions at once - probably because during high school I basically didn't give myself time to feel so many emotions. And then last year everything was so new it was hard to ever be too upset. Things change - yeah. I'm not UNhappy. I'm not totally happy either. I'm happy. ish?

There are so many things I wish I could say lately.
Bladebla.

stones taught me to fly.

I fell off my scooter today. (Did I mention I have a scooter now? I have a scooter now.)

And strangely, it felt like the way I've been feeling lately. I feel like I fell off my life scooter (don't hate me for my horrible metaphors) and I just haven't been able to get back on it yet. I feel like I'm just walking my life scooter down the road but I haven't pushed off and rolled again.

strange thoughts fly through my mind some days.

I'm in a show at The Loft. It's called Kelly's Truck Stop Bop. I actually only got the gig because the original girl they had missed rehearsal or something..? and a friend of mine (Omar) is in the show and sort of got me in. So I'm pretty happy about that - mainly because it's sort of like hopping on the scooter again and saying "yes, I can still do this."

I'm teaching dance "class". In reality, it's just a bunch of my friends and we're gonna do dance workouts and work together on dance, but I'll be leading and teaching with Laura, which is pretty cool. It's very informal and just at random, but it's something I've really wanted to try for basically forever, so I'm kind of excited about it.

Just some happy thoughts on life, because there's way too many crappy things going on too.

I am so scared of forgetting who I am.

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball.