You know what I want? Warm fuzzy feelings.
As much as I harp on and on about how it's not debilitating to my life, I really want a boyfriend. And not someone who will tell me I'm beautiful or take me out to dinner. I just want someone who will sit with me while I watch trash tv or talk to me about nothing at all for hours. I want someone who will run lines with me (thanks for the thought, J.) and someone who I can cook food for.
I want to feel like I deserve all that. And yet, every time I even think about being physically affectionate, it's so tainted with stupid memories. I'm not sure how to fix myself. How to feel like I actually deserve to be happy with someone. I'm not sure how to feel so indestructable that I would put myself in someone else's hands anymore. Because lately I just feel like everything I say is wrong, everything I do just doesn't fit. I mean, it's not the worst thing in the world - being single. The worst thing is realizing that it's because of him. It's because he broke me. He made me this cold, scared, stubborn person that I am.
The worst part is that I feel like being alone forever is worth never having to feel like I did those weeks ever again.
Maybe I'm just cut out to live the life alone.
It's not the worst thing that could happen.
I want someone to kiss me and remember it later. I want HIM to feel sorry for what he made me.
I wish you still liked me.
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