the sky is yours.

So I was driving down the road today on my way back to Augusta for a week of relaxation with my family, the windows rolled down, tuned into Star 94 (which I learned from a billboard was the Top 40 station in Atlanta), with "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz coming in and out (I think there's something wrong with my antennae), windows rolled down, shoes off, sun roof cranked open (yes, cranked. there is an actual crank.), and I realized something.

I was genuinely happy. Alone, in my stupid just-glad-it-runs car, with music that I love (even if it kept fading out) and the warm sun beaming down on me - I was happy.

I always find it strange when I feel like I'm in a state of my life when I can't seem to find a way out and something like this happens. I feel like everywhere I turn there is someone waiting to tell me something else that I won't be able to handle and that will break me down again - and there is always a moment of pure bliss of simplicity that reminds me that this is ME. This is Robin, who takes pleasure in throwing a peace sign out of her sun roof in the hot summer air (since my air conditioning is unpredictable). This is Robin, who loves the lake and sleeping late and painting and singing with the radio - This is me. And for a few minutes I was just purely happy with my life and I was at peace with God. I have been so angry lately, and I don't usually get angry (let's be real). With the loss of Rea, the pressure of school, the betrayal I was feeling from so many sides - my quiet anger with the world was becoming a scream very quickly. And lately I've been trying to find my peace again - and there it was. It was just such a perfect, peaceful, totally just "me on my own being myself" moment. It was wonderful. God, I really needed that.

I was talking to India last night about all the crazy things I do sometimes (like riding the elevator for twenty minutes or playing in the fountains by myself just because it's what I WANT to do) and she said something along the lines that it was fine because it meant that I was comfortable enough with being alone to just spend time with myself. And I had never thought of it that way. I always viewed my strange antisocial tendencies that I've started to develop this year as kind of bizarre, and maybe just my weird way of expressing my discontent for my life. Like I used to want to spend every waking moment of my life around other people during my freshman year and even at the beginning of this year, but lately it's just been a lot of "me time". I think that her saying that has really given me a different perspective on the way I behave, as for the past few weeks I've been feeling like it hasn't been such a good thing to spend so much time alone - but now I can look at it as that I'm comfortable enough with myself to hang out with just me. [=

It's really nice to be home, in a weird way. Like usually there's this "I don't know what to do with my time" aching of almost-boredom, but I'll only be here for a week so I think it's going to be an interesting experience. I got to hang out and talk to Laura some earlier, and I always forget how much I miss her. <3

Here are my rules and goals for life right now:

• If I can't fix a problem with someone and I can't bring myself to forgive them, I'm just going to avoid them until forgiveness comes. I know myself, and I know it will one day arrive, but at this point - I'm so hurt by some people that I don't even want apologies from them. I just want the pain to fade away and I know that I will forgive them eventually.
• I'm not going to torture myself if I want to spend some "me time" and I'm just going to think of it as "hanging out with myself".
• I'm going to be more open to the idea of dating people, because I think I've once again closed myself off because of all the hurt that's happened this semester. I think it's time that I realize that I have something in me that's worthwhile. And I need to remind myself of that.

I love you guys, and I'm so glad the Satan Semester is over. Though I will miss everyone in Columbus who won't be with me over the summer, I'm grateful for the reprieve. I'm excited about Fly Over Land.

Also good: I lost eight pounds. Woo!

Life is good. I need to remember that when times get hard. Life is good.

open up your mind and see like me -
open up your plans, and damn! you're free.
look into your heart and you'll find the sky is yours!
♥