the caterpillar.

So while waiting to check out at Barnes and Noble today, I aimlessly glanced towards a tower that was covered in "inspirational" magnets. Being a total sap and as always, one for quotations, I read over them while waiting, most of which I had seen before.

However, my eyes landed on one I hadn't. It was an anonymous quotation that went something like this: "and just when the caterpillar thought the world was over - it became a butterfly."

And while I usually dismiss these quotations for general fluff that describes giant life ideals, I found myself really relating to this little magnet.

I have always thought it was the end of the world.

I remember when I was fifteen and I found out Jason was gay - the world was over. But no - it wasn't. I just kept going and life kept going on. And when I would never make senior company jazz - the world was OVER, for sure this time. But it wasn't. And I still love dancing as much as I ever did. And when I was eighteen, and I felt the sting of a real heartbreak and a real hurt for the first time, I cried on the floor in my childhood home and the world had to have ended in that moment several different times - but it didn't. And when I was twenty and I didn't want to get out of bed, because I didn't want to live in the world without him - the world must have ended. And when I realized that I had lost one of my best friends - that must have been the end.

But it wasn't. Ironically, I am single. I am what other people would call "alone" in this world - but I am strangely more happy than I have ever been. Maybe it's the magic of being home. Maybe I'm just finally finding my own footing, maybe I won't be "damaged goods" anymore. Who knows?

But really - who cares? I'm happy.

So I am the caterpillar. And maybe I don't have a boyfriend. And maybe I've put on a few pounds in the last two weeks. And maybe I am always broke. And maybe I'm stressed - but I'm so very happy with my friends, my craft, my work, and everything that I love in life.

that oh shit - I think I'm the butterfly.
---

love.

taking it easy.

Things I have done in the past few weeks that have amazed me:
I have watched MANY movies, including going to the theatre to see three of them! (Sherlock Holmes, Did you Hear about the Morgans?, and Nine!)
I have sewn myself an apron, just for kicks.
I have slept, a lot.
I have bought beers at bars, and just enjoyed them.
I learned to cook pad thai.
I saw someone from home who I have severely missed, but I realize now that that chapter of my life is closed. (feel free to imagine sappy sad music playing here.)

Things I haven't done that I need to:
Cut one acts.
Work out.
Read Spoon River Anthology.

Basically everything I need to do. Haha. But it's really been an excellent break, thus far. I have such mixed feelings about going back to school. On the one hand, I can't wait to get my hands back to working on a show, but at the same time I really like the feeling I get from relaxing. Oh well, life goes on!

Also I realized how lame it sounds when people ask me what I like to do outside of theatre and I have to answer with "I like to cook and bake, I love to read, and I've just started sewing recently." Haha. Oh well!

Life is good.

merry and bright. (or, a look at christmas 2009)

First off, let me start by saying just this: Happy Christmas! Which has bizarrely become my default way of wishing joy to others on the holiday!

I have always loved Christmas. It's a time that always reminds me of dark skies with sparkling stars, the warm glow of church at midnight, beautiful brass quartets, delicious food, warm firesides, snow (not that we ever have any...), twinkle lights, and glitter! In all honesty, it's pretty much all my favorite things combined, plus time off from school and being so stressed out....

On that note, I have to say this: This Christmas has been lovely. Just perfectly lovely.

=)

And I hope yours has been too.

Ps. I really wish that Narnia was a real place. I'm not even kidding.

I can't be bothered now!

Life is grand right now.

It's break, for one thing. The idea of the semester being over is finally settling in. It's so nice to just RELAX and not have to worry about any sort of class-like thing (aside from Directing 2, and finding time to read Spoon River Anthology...) on a pressing basis is SO NICE. I don't have to wake up at any given point in time, or worry about making it to class, etc. I'm also really looking forward to next semester. I think the classes I'm taking seem particularly stimulating - which is always nice. Also, I'm pretty pumped about Crazy For You. I've been saying that forever,but truthfully, it'll be nice to have a role that really showcases me for what I feel are my strong points. That sounds conceited, but it's a comedic dancing role - come on! So that's pretty exciting. Plus I'm pretty pumped to be working on something that I feel so strongly about - musical theatre is definitely one of my favorite things... ever.

So there's that. But also I'm visiting my best friend, Anna, in Athens, GA. We've been pretty much PERFECTLY lazy and I'm remembering how to be not-so-social and just relax and enjoy a marathon of a box DVD set. Perfect. Or a good documentary. Back to my nerdy roots!

And then - Laura is transferring to Columbus State next semester! HOORAH! I'm really happy because I want her close to me, being that she's my other best friend. That's just another good thing in my life.

Also, going home is potentially very exciting. I love seeing my family, and I love spending time with them. In all reality, I really don't hate Greenville either. I used to really resent the entire idea of my family living anywhere other than Augusta, but I'm very grateful to still have them all together where I can visit fairly easily, though the drive IS a bitch.

In general, I've come to a very good point of view on single-ness. It's not crippling or disabling, it's just... being single. I've not met anyone who has made me go ga-ga in a long time. But in reality, I'm a catch. That sounds conceited, but I am a nice, normal, pretty girl who cooks well and is generally interested in the world. I mean, I do have my flaws but everyone deserves a chance to be happy. But that's just the point of a relationship - to be HAPPY. Not to settle - so that's my current (not new, not saying I'm going to stick to it...) philosophy - make myself happy. Don't settle. Just do what makes me joyful. I might miss snuggling, but I'm sure I can find a gay guy friend to fulfill those duties. =) Faghag? Maybe. Miserable? No.

Also, I've been handmaking almost all of my Christmas gifts this year. I love it. It's so nice to know that actual thought has really gone into what I've made - and I love them! In fact, I was so obsessed with the apron I made for Anna that I almost kept it! And she hand-knitted me the most beautiful creamy white scarf! Perfect!

Ahhh, to be happy is to love the world.
And so life goes.

I've started watching The Tudors. I feel like it's a joygasm of costuming.

monday, monday...

Good day today:

Slept in really late.
Got up, did my laundry and caught up on BBC's Merlin.
It rained, so I put my pj's back on.
Worked on handmade Christmas gifts while watching all of the following movies: A Christmas Carol: The Musical, Spiderman, and Spiderman 2.

First Monday Off: Win.

if only in my dreams <3

oh, it's the holiday season!

I feel like I haven't updated in awhile - so here's a few thoughts:

1. It's the Christmas season - MY FAVORITE. In all reality, I always view Christmas as this magical sparkling time of the year where people are nicer, the songs are prettier, and you can eat as many baked goods as you like as long as they have red and green sprinkles on them... perfect.
2. I am missing him so very much right now. A part of me wants to beat myself up for ruining our friendship, but the other part of me regrets nothing. I have no idea how to feel around him - because in all rights, it's better this way. But at the same time, I hate the idea of him with anyone else, and I hate that I miss him so much. It drives me to make snide comments to him, which I hate even more about myself. In general, I just want to fast forward to that part where I don't have any more feelings for him.
3. I'm twenty one now! Hooray! Life has been bizarre since then - going in and out of bars, etc. Strange!
4. I feel that one of the people who I thought was one of my really good friends has betrayed me by spreading really cruel lies about me. I'm not sure how to confront them though, because I have no proof that it was them, just my intuition. My plan - turn the other cheek. I'm pretty sure that's what the powers that be would want me to do, so it's what I'm planning on.
5. I can't wait to be home with my family for the holiday. It's weird, but I really need to feel that safety for awhile. While I adore my friends here, I'm starting to feel the seismic pressure of our social circle crumbling. So I'm just ready to free myself.
6. The Lovely Bones is an amazing book. Read it.
7. The Potluck was really fun, but I really miss my traditional Christmas Party. But on the other hand, stuffing! MMM.

In general, life is good. Sometimes little things nag at me, but I love the work I'm doing here and I love that I'm really starting to believe in myself lately. My main focus from now on is going to be this: THEATRE and ART. And I'm going to (forgive the reference) hold out for a hero. I'm tired of trying to make things work with people who aren't right for me. I'm tired of ruining friendships, so until someone comes along who changes my mind - it's me and my art.
Well, that's my healthy mentality for now.
Love!
Happy Christmas!

a fox trot above my head - a sock hop beneath my bed!

Today was a really good day (thus far). I'm pretty sure it's worth documenting, however un-extraordinary it may seem.

This morning, I woke up early and Cory was still here from where he spent the night on my pull-out bed last night. =) It's always nice to wake up to friends. I made myself some fried eggs (which were tasty) and my first human contact was Brittain appearing in the space between our bar and grumbling some incoherent early morning syllable that made me chuckle (something along the lines of "ernh!"). I love it when I wake up early, fairly well rested and get a good breakfast!

Then I went to Crazy For You dance rehearsals. They were really fun, and I got a nice little built in work out! Plus, the boys were there so we got to do lifts the entire last hour =) fun!

The next part of my day consisted of picking up India who bought me a coffee at the market, going to the grocery store to get baking ingredients, then to Burger King for lunch - then we came home and ate and baked most of the day! We made: fudge, oreo truffles, red velvet truffles, and we WERE going to make brownies and cookies but we got distracted... And Melissa (SA!) came over!

When Brittain thought we could get a free cat. Which we couldn't, but it resulted in a trip to PetSmart! Where even though there was no free cat, we got to see some cute animals. Even though Cody the dog made us sad. I wanted to love on him so bad!

Then India made Sims of us all in The Sims 3 =) Joy of joys.

I just feel like good days should be documented.

Tonight is my twenty first birthday. Hoorah! I look forward to ordering a drink tonight at TGI Fridays surrounded by my friends =)

Life is good.
(and bizarre, though I have no strange remarks to share after the toothbrush comment.)

I AM BIZARRE (2): Toothbrush

I Am Bizarre, Episode Two: Toothbrush

"Cory is just like a toothbrush. No really, I think you could just brush your teeth with his hair."

Why do I say these things?!