I really like your style.

So today I was home for a full day, and I spent most of it at the mall with my mom and sister. I got some new bras and panties (YAY) and a new top from White House Black Market. Also, I gave (and got) a lot of hints for Christmas.

And now I'm home, relaxing and watching tv with my mom. Also, I am playing on polyvore (which I cannot ever thank Janine enough for introducing me to it!) and at either rate, I wanted to post some sets of clothes I could only dream of owning =]


Grey Dreams by breakfastatrobins


Fabulousity! by breakfastatrobins


Bohemian Influence by breakfastatrobins


Cuteness by breakfastatrobins


Haha, basically I've been having way too much fun online. I never have this kind of time on my hands! I guess it's just the shock of having time to enjoy my life that I'm appreciating. Of cousre, I miss Columbus, but I miss relaxing too. =] Also, new bras are a plus. AND I get a new haircut on Friday. YAY.

I'm ready for the Christmas season.

don't forget the fight it took to get you here.

so I'm leaving Columbus tonight on a journey back to Augusta for Thanksgiving break.

It's bizarre, but words cannot explain how excited I am to go home. I think I'm just tired, to be honest. I love school, and it would be a really big stretch to say that I was the slightest bit unhappy here, but let's be honest - I'm exhausted. I'm not even thinking past this Sunday right now because the thought of finals makes my gut lurch a little and I'm just too pathetic to even comprehend how quickly this semester has gone by.

I'm also excited to see my best friends (Anna and Laura!) because I miss them terribly. The thought of just lazing about for a few days with my family does my heart good.

However, I still have to get through today (as always.) I'm pretty much packed so right after dance, we'll be able to jet out of town! And like I said, words can't describe how tired I am.

I love you, Columbus.
But I need home for a few days.

don't be shy, just say hello.

I figured I might as well post to tell you this: emotionally, I've been a lot better during this week. I really don't know what got into me last weekend, but I'm glad it's past.

I honestly believe (now if you're a guy and you don't want to read about womanly things, skip this!) that it's because I haven't had my period since August. YES, I am going to go get it checked out if I don't get it by December. I'm pretty sure that it's because of the heightened stress level in my life lately, but I'm still worried about it. However, I truly believe the source of my psychotic emotional episodes is my hormones being incredibly out of wack.

Now you can start reading again, gentlemen.

Basically, I'm fine. I'm grateful for all the great things in my life: my wonderful family, my wonderful friends, my fabulous roommate, the department, the sun, and just my ability to keep on trucking with my life.

Can I just say that I can't wait for Thanksgiving? Two reasons: one, the relaxation factor. I have been so ridiculously stressed lately, and even fall break was all for naught, because I didn't get to go home or relax at all. So the relaxation factor is a big thing. Two, get to see my family. Three is the food =]

I missed Theatre History this morning because I woke up feeling really dizzy and nautious. It's questionable, but I'm not really sure what happened. But I went back to bed and now I feel ay-okay, so that's better. I'll be going to shop and dance, though I may take it easier on myself at dance class.

Basically, life is pretty grand. Though, I would like a boyfriend to have for the holidays. No strings attached! Any volunteers? JUST KIDDING. I'm fine being single, I promise. =]

ps. after thanksgiving, the Christmas spirit is ON.

tell you the truth, I've said it before, tomorrow I'll start in a new direction. I know I've been half-asleep, I'm never doing that again.

it's my turn to be brave.

So here I am, feeling all gooey and confused again. It's not that I'm not happy - I just wish that everyone else was happy WITH me. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but I feel like just being myself is too painful for some others. I feel like it's hard for me to deal with my own pain because it leads me to hurting others.

And I don't want to hurt anyone. God, I really hate it. I feel bad 90% of the time, so actually hurting people is the worst feeling in the world to me.

I'm TRYING to grow. I'm TRYING to be an adult and to be strong and to be the woman I always wanted to be. I want to be an artist - I want to be strong, more than anything else. I want to be brave enough to really be myself.

And just like most of us, I'm not even sure who I am. I mean, there are things that I obviously know. I know I don't believe in war, I know I believe in art and love and I know that I want to make the world better. I know I love choreography and quirky style and I know that I want to be someone worth knowing one day.

I just don't know who that makes me - And I'm tired of trying to be what people need me to be. Not that anyone is hurting me anymore, but I just want to make everyone happy. I wish I could, I really do, but I can't. I can't be something that I'm not, as much as I try. I'm not trying to be mean, or hateful, I'm just trying to be brave and face the world for what it is and for who I am. I'm tired of hurting people by just being myself. I constantly feel like my feelings make me not good enough for anyone anymore. I'm sorry. I really, truly am. I wish I could be everything that everyone needed. I really do.

Maybe I'm being too insightful and looking into things, but a night of crying on your floor in a bra really makes you look at the world and wonder what is really bothering you.

I'm not over it. I'm scared that I never will be. I'm so close to being over it and I read some stupid message from OVER a year ago and it just says "I miss you." and I just REMEMBER all these stupid things. And honestly - I didn't even like him as a person, so how is it possible that I'm not over him?! I'm scared to think that I really honestly loved him, because it's such a ridiculous notion. How could I? He dated my sister. He encouraged me to do things I'd never reasonably do. He hurt me.

I don't like to think that I loved him. But I think it's equally terrifying to think that it's something about MY personality that disallows me to get over it. Is there something about how he showed me that I was so destructable that keeps me from getting over it? I just feel like I can't remember feeling like I was indestructable. I just don't know how to get over it. It's not HIM that I want back or anything about it. It's just that I want to feel like I could just give myself over to someone. I want to feel like love is something I could feel for someone again. I'm not sure. I'm waiting for someone to come along who doesn't expect anything of me. I am waiting for it to be right. Maybe that's asking too much, but I feel like maybe that's better than trying and trying and trying to make something work when a part of me is fundamentally not able to invest myself into the situation.

I just feel like I can't feel anything for anyone anymore. Sure, I've had crushes and I've had kisses, but I feel like I don't even know that if any of them had worked out if I wouldn't have had the fight or flight instinct and I would have shut down emotionally or run.. but I guess I'll never be able to know.

Who knows? Maybe someone will come along and change it. I'd really like that, actually. But until then, I love my friends and I am just going to keep trucking along, single and everything.

I'm worried I won't have enough money to pay for Christmas presents.

all in all though, life is pretty awesome. I feel like I bitch on my blog too much.

don't know just where I'm going

and tomorrow is a little overwhelming

and the air is cold

and I'm not the same anymore.

I've been running in your direction

for too long now - I've lost my own reflection

and I can't look down -

you're not there to catch me when I fall

this is the moment

I stand here on my own

and this is my right of passage

that somehow leads me home

I might be afraid but it's my turn to be brave

if this is the last chance before we say goodbye,

at least it's the first day of the rest of my life

I can't be afraid, cause it's my turn to be brave.

if only in my dreams.

so I really hate to be one of those people who gets in the Christmas mood way before it's appropriate but... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

It's going to be the last Christmas in Augusta for me. Obviously, all other Christmases will be spent either in North Carolina with my parents or with whoever I live with when I'm... grown? I'm not even sure I understand the concept or when you're supposed to stop going to your parents house for Christmas... at either rate, this is the last Christmas in my house. The house I grew up in and I pretty much have all my memories at.

And a part of me is not all that upset about it. I guess I just feel like Christmas is wherever my family is.

but the other part of me is sad, because a part of my family will still be in Augusta.

It's cold and rainy and Chase and I watched "Holiday Inn" (starring Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire) last night... it put me in the mood.

Hot cocoa works too.

Maybe it's the finality of it all, but I really want this to be a great Christmas, and I want to enjoy every minute of it.

=]

So I got cast as the Mom in Megan Noelle's play "Belly of the Whale" (directed by Sam Hughes =]).

Schweet. woooo.

Maybe this week will turn out okay, after all.

god only knows what I'd be without you.

Let me just say this, in the least cheesy way possible, I have the best friends I could ever ask for.

And I don't mean just the people in the picture to the left, obviously. I mean all of you - from Augusta (school, dance, childhood), from Columbus and just everywhere. I have the best friends I could ever ask for. Because by being my friend, you have made me so beyond comfortable with being myself. I could never repay you for that. Never.

So on a totally random whim, last night, Megan, Janine, Cory, and I all went on a RANDOM trip to Atlanta and went to Club Europe (which is an 18+ club). It was pretty awkward for the first hour or two, not gonna lie! Because we got there super early so we could get in free. But alas! Once the dancing really got started it was really really fun. Some people were totally awkard - like these Bosnian guys who tried to get me and Janine to go back to their hotel room with them (the one actually tried to nibble my ear and pull up my skirt! I was molested!) but we luckily we had a system worked out with a signal for one of us to come up and rescue the others from an awkard dance partner! Haha, I don't know how many times I had to go up to Janine and say "Do you wanna go get water with me?" My personal favorite was just after a guy asked me if I smoked, Janine used the "do you have the cigarettes?" story. BAHAHAHA It was so awkward. Basically, we were exhausted and drove home, smelling like ass with some McDonald's drivethrough... omg. Haha. There is something about doing something so RANDOM and FUN that is absolutely invigorating and refreshing.

I was beginning to feel so much pressure lately, just from all sides. I feel like the trip out of town was the perfect cure - just to make me feel the perspective. Life is so much bigger than the bubble I live in. Sometimes, when I feel the pressure to settle, I just remind myself of how big the world is and how many more opportunities are going to come my way if I just keep going along the path I've chosen but lately the light's been sort of dim. I guess, even though it was just a random trip to a random awkward club, it sort of gave me a little nudge to keep going.

=]

Like, I said, I have the best friends ever.

This week is gonna be a hard one, I feel it in my bones. I hate being tired.

the most random blog I've ever written.

I have approximately ten minutes in which to write this blog before I head off to a directing scene rehearsal, so it may be a little disjointed in nature.

I'm not sure what's going on in my life. I am so very happy and so very confused all at the same time. Making it through the week gets more and more difficult, and the weekends seem shorter and shorter. Not because I don't love what I do either - I think I'm getting sick. I'm just... coasting, for lack of a better word.

Supplying my body with food. I should write or something. I made a new header for my blog on photoshop the other day and I feel like it actually may have been the most creative thing I've done in awhile. I mean - lets just face it. I'm creative. I thrive on making things and apart from acting class... lately I just haven't been living up to my usual par! for goodness sakes, I made a quilt over the summer out of old shirts! Hopefully things will change soon and I'll be able to be creating ballet (really it's modern dance but hey!) =]

I have an eerie feeling at this very moment. My ghost friend is here. I am the only one in the apartment and a clatter just arose in the kitchen. Of course, I went to check on it, said hello and went back to what I was doing. The other day she said hello to me. I thought it was Janine when I came in and hollered out, but the voice I heard coming from inside our closet wasn't connected with any body, since Janine wasn't here at all!

Unnnerving, sometimes.

I even feel strange writing about it, because I'm sure she can read what I'm saying. Hello, friend.

My thoughts on the election: I'm glad it's over. Honestly, I truly believed that either man was capable of the job (otherwise they wouldn't be able to make it that far to the election!) and it was all a matter of what party would be in power for the next four years. So, congratulations to the Democrats! I'm a political moderate so I'm pretty much in favor of anything as long as they don't force me to join the military and shoot people.

(I'm going to go to my rehearsal now. The rest of this blog will be written afterwards =])

and now I'm home.

here is a stream of conciousness.

my nose is stuffy. I'm cramping. I haven't had my period since August. I probably won't get it it's just a fluke I can't stand the way my skin feels cold but it's warm in the room I hate the fact that I have a cold sore on my tongue I really wish I attracted men I was attracted to (sorry if that's inappropriate) I hate that I never wear real shoes anymore but sperry's are so comfortable I used to hate guys with blonde hair but now I'm not sure red hair is still the sexiest I love my hair the way it is right now I don't care if kim thinks the pocahontas headband is weird I will wear it to spite her I hate the scene shop so much I kind of have to pee I am so happy I got cast next semester I want to take a picture on jono's bed I can't control how crampy I am I want a different bike rack in the rankin so I don't have to put it on the wall since it's huge I'm not sure why I'm writing this stream of conciousness I feel like I would bake if I had the ingredients I wish I had someone to continuously kiss and run my lines with me I hate the way my skin hasn't warmed up yet and it's been a few minutes now I'm mad I missed grey's anatomy tonight I wish the world were a smaller place than it is I lose sight of trivial things when I'm at school like keeping up with tv shows I wish I had time to keep up with them I wish I wasn't the girl that people use to get over their ex's I want a zune so I can listen to music on the shuttle bus I wish my parents weren't moving so I could always live in my same house during christmastime I like coke so goshdarn much directing scenes are so good to do but so stressful sometimes I can't handle how intensely boss six flags is and I really want to choreograph my damn ballet I am so happy about machinal (still) and I really wish I could have some minnie's for a late night dinner right now panera is really good too though I feel like elle woods sometimes because I am so ditzy I'm a one girl revolution I want to make a collage to cover my planner since the cover is fading (sad day!) and I want to watch singing in the rain I want to BE singing in the rain I want to fall in love like kate and leo but not until I know who I am I want a cat so badly and I want my ghost to not hate me and I want everything in the world I wish I could see my parents more often it's pretty cool joe gave me these headphones so I could talk to my sister but I haven't figured them out yet n dI am supposed to watch juno with omar but I don't know when I have time I wish I could figure everything out!

things are looking up.

So here I sit with a pint of Ben & Jerry's, a coke, and my hair totally undone.

It's been a good day. Let's start off with the beginning - I really didn't want to wake up. This is probably because I woke up at 5AM with the worst cramp in my shoulder and I honestly don't remember how many advil I popped in a desperate attempt to get back to sleep. This is a bad habit which should be erradicated.

So I got up slowly, totally ignored the condition of my hair and went to class. Somehow, pilates didn't seem SO torturous today, and let's be real -

I didn't care about the cast lists. In this totally WEIRD way I had already dealt with the idea of not getting cast again in my mind. I had already said to myself - well, self, hopefully my freestage will get approved and I can just keep on trucking next semester - it's not like I died these past two semesters when I wasn't cast, silly! So I didn't even go over there in a crazed attempt to look at the lists at 10, since I had a class that was billed to begin at 10AM.

Lucky me, I have my wonderful facebook fiancee, Jamie Lynn Simmons who texted me "congrats on machinal!" and Larry let us run on over to check the lists before we started class. Basically, I got cast in Machinal! It's so incredibly ideal - it's a small part of an ensemble cast (I always wanted to be in that show that a huge part of the department was in!) and I'm pretty much just thrilled to peices. It's ideal because A) I really want to do my freestage, which I put the proposal in for today (won't know for a week if it's totally approved though ugh!), B) I am taking Stage Management so that's stressful as well, and C) I really want to be in a one act! so having a smaller role in a mainstage show is great! HOORAY!

Seriously though, I'm really happy about it. Also, Chase took me to Minnie's Uptown Restaraunt for lunch before I had advisement and it was delic, I fit in a quick nap AND I get to go see "This is What Happens When..." tonight (featuring all of my lovely friends!)

I think I'm over Logan. I'm not feeling needy for a boyfriend. I had a good excercize in acting class today. I'm learning to let go a little bit of my appearance and just relax.

You know what I can't wait for though? Thanksgiving. That is going to be nice. Just to go home, relax with my family, eat a lot of food and then after that, I can start on my Christmas rampage!

Basically, I'm having a great day today.

PS. I AM SO RIDICULOUSLY PROUD OF JAMIE LYNN SIMMONS, MY FIANCEE FOR BEING CAST IN TOUR! =]

pps. halloween was ludicrously fun this year, thanks to my wonderful friends!