it's my turn to be brave.

So here I am, feeling all gooey and confused again. It's not that I'm not happy - I just wish that everyone else was happy WITH me. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but I feel like just being myself is too painful for some others. I feel like it's hard for me to deal with my own pain because it leads me to hurting others.

And I don't want to hurt anyone. God, I really hate it. I feel bad 90% of the time, so actually hurting people is the worst feeling in the world to me.

I'm TRYING to grow. I'm TRYING to be an adult and to be strong and to be the woman I always wanted to be. I want to be an artist - I want to be strong, more than anything else. I want to be brave enough to really be myself.

And just like most of us, I'm not even sure who I am. I mean, there are things that I obviously know. I know I don't believe in war, I know I believe in art and love and I know that I want to make the world better. I know I love choreography and quirky style and I know that I want to be someone worth knowing one day.

I just don't know who that makes me - And I'm tired of trying to be what people need me to be. Not that anyone is hurting me anymore, but I just want to make everyone happy. I wish I could, I really do, but I can't. I can't be something that I'm not, as much as I try. I'm not trying to be mean, or hateful, I'm just trying to be brave and face the world for what it is and for who I am. I'm tired of hurting people by just being myself. I constantly feel like my feelings make me not good enough for anyone anymore. I'm sorry. I really, truly am. I wish I could be everything that everyone needed. I really do.

Maybe I'm being too insightful and looking into things, but a night of crying on your floor in a bra really makes you look at the world and wonder what is really bothering you.

I'm not over it. I'm scared that I never will be. I'm so close to being over it and I read some stupid message from OVER a year ago and it just says "I miss you." and I just REMEMBER all these stupid things. And honestly - I didn't even like him as a person, so how is it possible that I'm not over him?! I'm scared to think that I really honestly loved him, because it's such a ridiculous notion. How could I? He dated my sister. He encouraged me to do things I'd never reasonably do. He hurt me.

I don't like to think that I loved him. But I think it's equally terrifying to think that it's something about MY personality that disallows me to get over it. Is there something about how he showed me that I was so destructable that keeps me from getting over it? I just feel like I can't remember feeling like I was indestructable. I just don't know how to get over it. It's not HIM that I want back or anything about it. It's just that I want to feel like I could just give myself over to someone. I want to feel like love is something I could feel for someone again. I'm not sure. I'm waiting for someone to come along who doesn't expect anything of me. I am waiting for it to be right. Maybe that's asking too much, but I feel like maybe that's better than trying and trying and trying to make something work when a part of me is fundamentally not able to invest myself into the situation.

I just feel like I can't feel anything for anyone anymore. Sure, I've had crushes and I've had kisses, but I feel like I don't even know that if any of them had worked out if I wouldn't have had the fight or flight instinct and I would have shut down emotionally or run.. but I guess I'll never be able to know.

Who knows? Maybe someone will come along and change it. I'd really like that, actually. But until then, I love my friends and I am just going to keep trucking along, single and everything.

I'm worried I won't have enough money to pay for Christmas presents.

all in all though, life is pretty awesome. I feel like I bitch on my blog too much.

don't know just where I'm going

and tomorrow is a little overwhelming

and the air is cold

and I'm not the same anymore.

I've been running in your direction

for too long now - I've lost my own reflection

and I can't look down -

you're not there to catch me when I fall

this is the moment

I stand here on my own

and this is my right of passage

that somehow leads me home

I might be afraid but it's my turn to be brave

if this is the last chance before we say goodbye,

at least it's the first day of the rest of my life

I can't be afraid, cause it's my turn to be brave.