and why do the tears well up in your eyes?

And so it comes to a close - the final holiday at my house in Martinez.

For some strange reason, I can't seem to sleep very well lately. I haven't gotten more than five hours of sleep at a time in the past week, and I think it's starting to weigh on my temper. Maybe its me subconciously knowing that I really don't have time to relax. I hate that about myself - I always feel like I could be doing something productive, instead of relaxing. Even when I need it.

Like one day earlier this week, this is what I did: I woke up after about five hours of good sleep, watched a What Not to Wear marathon (at some point Cory came over and I ran lines with him for his understudy part in Cripple), we went out to dinner at TakoSushi (so good), came home and started watching a Law and Order: SVU marathon. At one point, it was an episode we'd both seen so we went and bought candy at Walgreens, came back and watched some more until 3AM when I kicked him out of my house lol.

All in all, it was a GOOD day. I relaxed, I enjoyed myself, etc. But I still felt like I should have DONE something with the day. I don't know. I just wish I knew how to relax.

I find it so completely frustrating.

Which I suppose is why I'm ready for the semester to start - the uncertainty of scheduling is starting to stress me out. The amount of work on my plate makes my brain spin.

Other than that, I suppose I need to make another New Years resolution: I need to stop feeling guilty.

Let me elaborate: I need alone time. I have come to realize that I probably need more alone time than most people do. I need time to think, and I need time to relax, because obviously I am pretty much incapable of it the way I am going! I need to stop feeling guilty for not hanging out with everyone all the time. I always feel like I should do everything that everyone asks me to, but it isn't always good for me. I guess I need to learn to say no without feeling guilty or giving in, is what I mean.

Moreover, I need to stop being embarassed of what I am doing with my life. When people ask me about accomplishments, I need to make a point not to feel like I should hide it or cover it up. What is wrong with me? God.

In general, I'm frustrated. But it could just be the lack of sleep.