there's nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm.

So it's all starting again. Welcome to my life. Today was the first day of classes for the Spring 09 semester, and I'd be remiss to say I wasn't totally happy to be back to the daily grind. I hate to admit it, but doing nothing really does weigh me down.

Being back in Columbus seems to have inserted fresh life into my soul. I feel happier already - I'm full of confidence about the coming semester, and I can't wait for everything to get underway. I know that not everything in my life is perfect, but I can see the good things now. [=

I'm happy to say that I now work in the box office here at CSU for le moneyz. I'm thrilled, haha. Also, I'm starting to feel freer. I'm giving up Coca-Cola, slowly. I really want to become one of those people who just drinks it at a restaraunt or maybe one of those people who doesn't like it at all! At this point, I think I could give it up if I didn't need the caffeine. Which is sad, but true. I just don't want to go through caffeine withdrawals. ERGH.

Let's keep up with some resolutions: I'm doing better with not feeling guilty for no reason. I'm doing better about eating healthy and drinking less soda (yay me!), and I'm doing okay on the "getting dressed every day" aspect too. but of course, it's only the twelfth day of the year.

I'm feeling surprisingly social lately, for someone who spent most of the end of first semester alone in my apartment. [=

Here is something I've just been needing to say for the past few days:

I'm not over it. I'm scared that I never will be. I'm so close to being over it and I read some stupid message from OVER a year ago and it just says "I miss you." and I just REMEMBER all these stupid things. And honestly - I didn't even like him as a person, so how is it possible that I'm not over him?! I'm scared to think that I really honestly loved him, because it's such a ridiculous notion. How could I? He dated my sister. He encouraged me to do things I'd never reasonably do. He hurt me.

I don't like to think that I loved him. But I think it's equally terrifying to think that it's something about MY personality that disallows me to get over it. Is there something about how he showed me that I was so destructable that keeps me from getting over it? I just feel like I can't remember feeling like I was indestructable. I just don't know how to get over it. It's not HIM that I want back or anything about it. It's just that I want to feel like I could just give myself over to someone. I want to feel like love is something I could feel for someone again. I'm not sure. I'm waiting for someone to come along who doesn't expect anything of me. I am waiting for it to be right. Maybe that's asking too much, but I feel like maybe that's better than trying and trying and trying to make something work when a part of me is fundamentally not able to invest myself into the situation. (BLOG 15 NOVEMBER 2008)

I just wanted to ammend this remark. I'm over you. I am FINALLY over you, and I couldn't be happier. And if I can let a silly little boy  make me smile again, and not even think about how he reminds me of you - then it's a step in the right direction. And you know what? I was always too good for you. I wish you the best, but I am so glad you are out of my life! I am just angry that it took me this long to rid myself of your scent and your stupid presence.

Just had to get that off my chest.

Alas, the dishes are beckoning to me!