send me on my way. [=

Tonight, Porcelain went up as a part of the CSU One Act Festival. I'm not gonna lie - I was really happy with the outcome. I was really stressed because A) I haven't felt too great in rehearsals about my own performance, and B) the content of the show is particularly sexually graphic.

BUT, tonight went extremely well. The audience was wonderful - they actually found little moments to laugh that I really appreciated the break from what a depressing show it was! Also, I think the murder scene was the best it's ever been. It was probably my favorite scene in the show anyway, but I think it went really well.

In general, I'm happy with the outcome, and that the audience was so very open to the material presented to them tonight.

[=

Last night, Once on this Island and Wiley and the Hairy Man went up, and they were both incredible as well! So basically, I think the first half of the one act festival is kicking ass! I look forward to watching the rest of the one acts! (as well as stage managing RIVERSIDE, yo!)

And as I usually say - I'm really looking forward to May. I can finally really see the light at the end of this tunnel of the Satan Semester. I am so very much looking forward to the summer sun and working on Fly Over Land. I'm so happy I am getting to be a part of this wonderful cast.

c'est magnifique!

a sign that says that you're arriving. <3

and when you reach that day - when you've conquered what's behind you

don't forget the fight it took to get you here.

and when you reach the top of the mountain you've been climbing,

don't forget the distance you have come.

It's hard to peice together how I feel about everything, to be honest. I guess you could say I'm feeling a little numb to it all, but mostly because I feel exhausted literally all the time. I wish I wasn't so busy, but then I think - what the fuck would I do with my time?! work at Kohl's?! haha. So I guess it's definitely better. I'd rather be busy with theatre work and exhausted than just go to class and do nothing else. So when I feel jealous of those main campus major people who have time for a life, I remember how much I adore theatre. [=

The memorial for Rea at the Springer today was absolutely beautiful. So him. It made me cry and laugh and smile, and it was just so very Rea. 

Tomorrow, Porcelain goes up. I'm really nervous! But excited at the same time. Somewhere inbetween?

We move into our apartment at Walden Pond on May 15th. I'm so excited, because it's really like the start of something new. Maymester is going to be glorious - I'm really excited to be working on Fly Over Land, especially because it's with Haley! Also, everyone on the cast is glorious and I'm getting to understudy the lead role! COOLNESS. [= Sure, fewer people will be here in Columbusland, but I'm really looking forward to Maymester. And the month of June for that matter. AND JULY. In Germany! So cool.

All I need is my hippy peaceful dunking into the ocean and I will be cleansed and begin anew! (Hopefully.) I always feel like the ocean has such healing powers for me. All of my complicated emotions have always felt like a wave crashing into me, and everytime I'm having a rough time I just imagine taking a wave and washing it all off of me and coming out fresh. Because, in reality, things generally do always work out the way that God wants them to. I just need to wash myself clean and pick myself back up and go on.

I went to College House yesterday (mostly because India formed a clever rouse to get me over there to surprise me with SCOTT) but I stayed for the worship service (something I've never done in my life, since I'm Catholic!) and I really felt like God has been guiding me this whole time and I never noticed. Things have fallen into place for me and I've felt such happiness here in Columbus that I think there's no way that this is not where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. Sure, sometimes things are hard, but I genuinely feel like I'm going in the right direction, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Love you guys.

on indescribable feelings.

Times are hard. Things are hard.

But tomorrow will be better. and the next day and the next.

I never really cope with death the way that other people do - I have a hard time crying in front of people, but never a hard time crying alone. I went to both group gatherings for Rea. I wanted to say something at each but couldn't remember a specific memory that I wanted to share. I know I wasn't as close to him as others were, but I can't get the sound of him mock kissing me in my ear at every party out of my head. I loved that. He was, to me, just glorious.

And I know he's in heaven, I know it in my heart.

I don't want to be cliche. But you know something? Even though I usually hate the way people talk after someone has passed on - they gloss over everything bad about them and suddenly praise everything about them. But at both of those group sessions, I think what was incredible was that I knew no one was lying about him.

Yeah, he was wonderful. And even though we weren't best friends, I think it's safe to say he affected me when I was in his presence. I'll miss it. <3

--

Other things are hard too. But I am looking forward to the future - to moving into my new apartment, to going to Germany, to continuing my adventure of life. Partying when I want to party - loving who I want to love.

I'm sort of glossing over the details of my life right now because I'm not sure how to put into words how I feel.

Tomorrow will be better. and the next day. and the next. <3

my twitch is kind of out of control.

they love to tell you: "stay inside the lines."

I am so different than I was six or seven months ago. Or even a month ago.

I totally evaded a huge "drama" festival by being reasonable with my friends a few weeks ago. I simply told them that I was hurt by their lying to me, that it would take a little time to heal up, but in the end I would love them the same. I also told them that they were just trying to be mad at each other because that's how they thought they should feel. And they realized I was right. I haven't solved a problem like that in a long time - well, not without actually going home and crying about it.

I welcome back the peaceful, zen version of myself. She's been gone for over a year now. I missed her.

Here's the thing: I feel like people take advantage of how nice I am sometimes. They think they can be mean to me or be mad at me for literally no reason because they know that if they say they're sorry (or sometimes they don't even say they're sorry, they just pretend they weren't a jerk to begin with) that I'll take them back because I don't believe in holding grudges. I hate it. I hate that people think that because I will forgive them that they can treat me like shit. It's such a double edge sword. If I stop forgiving them, they it will stop them from treating me like crap, but it will also make me disgusted with myself. I really do believe that forgiveness is so important. I just wish I could avoid it completely - if people would just treat me nicely I would treat them back nicely and we would all be really happy together. 

But that's not the way the world works. Sigh.

In other news, I'm busy. Busy busy bee, that's me!

Here are some of the things going on in my life right now:

• ONE ACTS - are entering tech! we had dry tech today for Riverside Drive, and after this is over my stage managorial duties will be up! FINALLY. Not that I don't love Riverside, but I am just not cut out to be a stage manager, and everyone knows it. Hah! Also, my actor self is getting more excited about Porcelain.
• DANCE EXTRAVAGANZA - Woooohoooo! Basically I'm just excited because I love dancing. I'm dancing in several numbers and we've even inserted "1 2 3 4" from Situations to the show [= tres excitement!
• APARTMENT HUNTING - Well, we finally found a place that we feel we can settle on. It's a little further out than we would have liked, but they accept co-signers and it's not THAT far. Plus, it's everything we want in an apartment besides the immediate convenience. So if I was going to sacrifice any of these things: safety, convenience, my own room, affordability. I would pick convenience. Janine and I can carpool easily to our classes, and it is actually MORE convenient to things like Wal-Mart and non school related things. We're turning in the applications and fees on Monday morning first thing basically to secure our home! I'm happy about it. Hooray!
• MY NEW PHONE - has arrived. BEAUTIFUL. It's a Motorola Q and I absolutely adore it. Beyond words. [=

I will just be happy for the week between this semester and Maymester. I'll be going home to pick up some furniture and RELAX before moving into the apartment. And then anotehr show begins... and then Germany this summer! And then back to the grind in the fall. But you know what? I do love it. I may complain about being busy, and I may be dead tired and I may have the most confused sleeping schedule I'll ever have... but I absolutely adore my life. And I wouldn't trade one stressful minute of it for a business degree.

Love you guys, for real.

Peace.

why should I worry?

So another semester of mainstage shows where I am not cast begins. I'm actually really not upset at all. I think I'm coming to deal with rejection better - which in a way is a great skill. I'm also really excited about assistant teaching tap and auditioning at the Springer (they're doing Footloose! one of my favorite musicals!).

Just thought I'd give you that update.

ps. things are really weird lately, but I think they're doing well. I have a lot I'm looking forward to.

here comes the sun.

So here's a list of stuff that makes me happy.

• This morning, I found out that I am going to get to assistant teach for Brenda's tap class next fall in preparation for the spring production of Crazy For You! EXCITING.
• Also, I found out that I'm going to be in more numbers for dance extravaganza than I thought I was going to be. [=
• Auditions for the Fall semester are today - and as nervous as I am, it's almost nice to get it out of the way.
• I'm so over you!
• I'm finally getting back to being myself again - I feel a lot more calm and rational under state of durress. I just needed to relocate my inner zen self. [=
• Things are going pretty well in acting for the moment.
• The weather has turned nice again! YAY. [=
• I have some really awesome friends.
• I'm starting to take comfort in God again. It's been awhile and I think that I have been lost for some time - I can't really say why, but it's been a rough time in that regard lately. I'm not necessarily saying that I stopped believing in God, but that I had got caught up in the way I felt I was supposed to react to situations. I felt like I should be mad so I was mad. I felt like I should talk crap so I talked crap about people. I think that turning to my spirituality has helped me to face situations with forgiveness and friendship rather than just dwelling on the hurting. Obviously, I'm not perfect but I am glad to be finding my inner peace again.
• House hunting is fun!
• I get to babysit Winston this weekend for Lindsay... I miss my dog so it should be fun [=

I'm going to clean after auditions I think. Plus, I get to actually watch Grey's when it's on TV tonight! WEIRD.

I am not a stranger to the rain.

shoulder to the wind, I'll turn my face into the spray

and when the heavens open - let the drops fall where they may.

I wish it would rain.

Lately, I've been really down. I can't say in specifics why - but basically because I've stopped feeling like a person lately and more like an object that people around me are constantly using and abusing. I feel like I continually get dragged into problems that are not my own.  It's frustrating that people think that I'm some crazy immature person who wants to contribute to their problems - it's frustrating that people want to use me. But I will not let it get me down.

It's really not new to me. I'm used to being used. How sad is that? I've had so many friends who have used me for a million different things - but I'm not going to let myself down. I will stand strong and I will believe what I believe. I will not succumb to the peer pressure to feel like crap about things.

I need to wash this all away - I need time to take away this weight off my shoulders.

I am so grateful for my art, some days. It has helped me through so much that I don't think I would have been able to get through on my own.

Here's what I keep reminding myself: Forgiveness and Kindness will get me through the day. Understanding will help me to not feel hurt. One day, the load will lighten, and I won't think of these things with tears in my eyes again.

I wake up every morning just a little bit better. I don't really miss you anymore. It's nice.

In other news - Janine and I went and looked at a house we really liked earlier. I'm so excited for the rest of my life. I am ready to jump into it, to feel happy again, to be open to love, to trust without looking back, to create real art, to be me again. I'm so ready for it. It's happening now. I can feel it.

(and yes, I know the song is totally about Yonah from the Bible but it really fits the way I feel about life right now.)

I am not a stranger to the rain. Let it rain.

on today's perspective.

so I was sitting in rehearsal today, DYING of laughter (because the cast, director, and stage managers of Riverside Drive are freaking awesome!) and I realized something -

most of my joy (and I mean real joy) for life comes from my work. Artistic/Theatrical acheivement (whatever you want to term it) brings me so much zest for what I want out of life. Being around people who feel the same way settles in on me and I feel more at peace with life.

I am FINE alone. In fact, it's better this way. The only people who I think would understand the life I want to lead would be people IN the theatre or arts. And right now, there just isn't anyone around me in the theatre or arts community who I want to be with romantically. And that's that. Maybe that will change one day, but I don't forsee it happening. Sometimes I feel like my friends aren't that great of friends to me. And I don't mean that about my closest circle, obviously. But I realize that people act with other motives in life and that they don't think about what's really good in the long run because they let the forced idea of falling in love get in their way. Let's be real - if it's too hard to be with someone, if it causes a scandal, if you don't want to shout it from the rooftops, it's probably not love.

And I'm not saying only focus on your dreams - no! Love really is all you need - but not necessarily romantic love, do you get me? There is the love I have for my family, my best friends, for my work. For everything. Love is all around, you just have to find it.

From here on out - I vow to stay focused on the goal. To not let other people's shadiness or mistreatment of me bring me down. I promise to love my friends and my art with all of my heart and not look to misplace it romantically on a man who does not deserve it. I will look to Elle! I will be so much better! (now I'm just being silly!) But really - There is more to life than falling in love.

And when I look around - I see that.

when I look back at that ordinary, ordinary life - I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.

on the objectification of robin lyles.

I have never felt more like an object in my entire life.

[so I definitely edited a lot of this blog out, because it was really specific, but the emotion is still there.]

There have been too many events as of late that have made me feel like an object to men. [if you're close with me, you probably know most of them] and I don't know how I feel about it.

Every time any of this happens - I can usually brush it off, no big deal! It's just a joke, or he was drunk, or I was drunk, or whatever. But seriously? Right now? The addition of all of it on top of itself is too much for me. I am a person. I have goals. I have dreams. I have opinions. I consistantly feel like a sex object or not even a woman at all to men, and I hate it. Every now and then, when something like this comes along - seriously, a little part of me, the real me, dies. And I don't know what to do with my jaded leftover self anymore.

In general - I am tired of feeling like this. I have never felt prettier in my life, but I have also never felt uglier in my life. I grow more and more disgusted with my need for male attention every day.

You know what? If you read this - forget about it. I really don't care that much.

I just had to get it off my chest.

---

Other thoughts: Machinal was flipping awesome. I have amazing friends - Especially India [=. Things will be better soon. I can feel it.

if you feel discouraged that there's a lack of color here

please don't worry, lover -

it's really bursting at the seams

absorbing everything.

the spectrum's a to z.

So I have a few minutes of respite - after the cast party last night, my head is still a little swimmy and I'm still a little sleepy. [= But I was genuinely happy and I generally had a great time. I forget sometimes how much I like being who I am and having the friends I have (even when they're hella awkward, or if I am). I think sometimes we all get caught up in sex and love and forget how important other relationships, like friendships, are. In general, while I was VERY very drunk, I had a great time.

Also, we found out about next year's musical finally! And let me just tell you, while Janine and I may be the only ones, I am fucking pumped! It's CRAZY FOR YOU. Which is one of my absolute favorite musicals. So I am pretty excited, in general about that. Largely because I'm obsessed with it though. [=

I have to admit that things have been looking up lately. I've been eating tons healthier, working out, drinking a lot of water, and I am actually starting to feel okay about my body. Also, I'm pretty much over what happened with Brian and subsequently the nonsense of my behavior directly after what happened with Brian. Every now and then I get a pang of "what if", but usually I'm on an even keel of accepting that it just wasn't meant to be, because if it was, it would be.

After Machinal closes, I'll just be going to class and working on one acts (also, dance extravaganza, but it's pretty far back in my mind right now, honestly). Which is an incredible break from the zombie-like schedule I've been operating on for the past month. Hopefully with all that time I'll have a refreshed point of view and I'll be able to relax a little bit.

I feel like sometimes I relate a little too much to Helen Jones. Not in a creepy "I'll kill you" way, but definitely in the "I just want to rest" and feeling the weight around me way.

I don't understand you.

I miss you.

I love you.

you laugh until you cry - you cry until you laugh.

and everyone must breathe until their dying breath.

and this is how it works - you appear inside yourself

you take the things you like and try to love the things you took

and you take that love you made and stick it into some -

someone else's heart pumping someone else's blood.

[Regina Spektor is way too relatable.]

STRESS CITY USA. Yesterday was the opening of Machinal. Britney (who plays the telephone girl) was in the hospital! So Stephanie and I both had to step in as understudies into different roles. It was so freaking stressful! But all turned out well and we did it! Hooray. Tonight is the ACTF adjudication and I look forward to seeing what they have to say about the show. 

But that was good about the past few days. Also good - I got an award/scholarship for service to the department! yay!

In general, I'm in a better mood.

But things could still be better, I suppose.

Stress City, USA.

Mayor - Robin Lyles.