purpose - it's that little flame...

I've been questioning everything lately. I want to figure out what I want out of life, but I just can't seem to make a sound decision anymore. I'm not complaining - merely stating that I feel like I'm at a fork in my road of life and that this is a BIG fork, not a little one that will bring me right back to the regular path I was always on. This fork - my friends, is a life changing fork.

I'm divided by two passions - dance and theatre. I know they're ridiculously similar, and I KNOW that I want to continue my study of theatre here at CSU in the BFA track - so it's not like I'm even contemplating changing my major or transfering (I honestly can't imagine life away from CSU right now) but I am contemplating what I want AFTER college - after I've learned as much as I can from CSU. Do I want to keep studying? Do I want to act? Do I want to try my hands at choreography? I don't even know. I feel like this conundrum is what's been keeping me down lately - well, not really down, just really thoughtful. I've been thoughtful lately, I guess is the right way of putting it.

Other things that I've been thoughtful about - obviously, relationships. It's like, I realize that my life is pretty sweet without one. I'm a horrible girlfriend in that I don't call you every night, I (for the most part) will want time away from you to be with my friends, and I am just altogether weird and don't feel like explaining my strange actions all the time. But then there's that nagging other hand that's like - what if I really AM alone my whole life? what if I'm just not the girlfriend type? Which, all those statements above seem to point to the answer to that question being - no, you're definitely NOT the girlfriend type. And my life isn't exactly debilitated by not having a boyfriend (specifically one person, but you know, we can't always get what we want), but then I see stupid couples and I'm like "UGHHH WHYY MEEE". I can't even explain to you what a conundrum that whole "lonely but feircely independant" situation is.

I guess you could say that I'm waiting for my life to fall into place. I'm not upset, I'm just thinking a lot lately. I feel like there is just something right out of my reach and I can't see it yet, so I can't make a sound decision. Sometimes I feel like I'm so stuck in this little bubble world that I live in that I can't even see all the other options in my life.

Speaking of the bubble - we got out of it yesterday! Yes, for the first time in my entire life I went to Six Flags! haha, I know it sounds like a lame thing to be really excited about but I had never been and it was really ludicrously fun. I love all the people we went with (no drama? WOW. that's a new one), and just in general - I really love roller coasters. The Goliath! OMFG hahahaha. Amazing! Seriously, we rode it three times, and once we rode the very front. The initial drop was terrifyingly fun from the very front though, not gonna lie. Haha, hands up - whole time - front row - hells yeah! I can't even really begin to describe to you how exhaustingly fun and wonderful yesterday was. It was like - eight billion decisions and things that were bogging me down (see above?) just disappeared for awhile and we just had fun.

In short, I am the most indecisive person alive, but at least I'm a good, happy, fun person.

college girl adventures.

I would like to tell you that my life is terribly interesting, but it's not. haha, in retaliation at the world for not being cast this semester (though I'm not complaining, just saying the fates were not alligned!), Megan, Janine, and I had a "hair dying party". Janine went BLONDE, we put chunks of red in Megan's, and mine is just an intensified red. (ala that picture.)

At either rate - my life is pretty stagnant and fast paced at the same time. I love all of my classes - my acting class is pretty interesting, I do say. Complicated, confusing, all those wonderful things. I love pilates class and theatre dance - maybe I'll finally get back in shape this semester! Theatre History is about as exciting as it sounds and early, to add insult to injury. I mean, all in all, it's a pretty good semester. I've never been one to let something keep me down for long, and the hairdying was like washing anew that disapointment into excitement for what's coming up! I'm going to sign up to do running crew for Batboy, just because they said they needed tons of people and I still want to be involved, obviously.

Uhm, let's just say I really hate men! I'm on a big manhating kick lately, but I feel like the manhating goes away the second I see him. And the worst part is that he is so totally clueless, I swear! Sigh. I'm all "lalala I hate men, I love my life without a boyfriend" one minute, then I hear some sappy song or I see him and he says something stupid like "how are you?" or gives me some stupidly exceptional hug and I'm all girly and... not all that driven to do anything but be there in that stupid moment! And I don't know! I hate it. I hate feeling like a ninth grade girl with a crush on the captain of the football team (though he definitely isn't a football player haha). Although it usually cheers me up when Brittain texts me - WHAT MAKES THEM THINK THAT'S OKAY?!

Basically, my life is great, but I hate men. A lot.

keep it positive?

I am sad to report that I am not cast for the first semester mainstage season at CSU.

I'm suprisingly not all that upset.

POSITIVELY nerve wracking.

so, as you may know from other people's blogs, general auditions for the mainstage season (first semester) have just past us by.

I had a pretty good audition (though I feel like I could have done better on my monologue) but I did get a callback for the musical, Batboy, as well as for the touring children's show, Cows Don't Fly and Other Known Facts. Both callback sessions were today and can you say INTIMIDATING and NERVE WRACKING?

Basically, there are only going to be eleven people cast in Batboy at all, and like forty five people got called back. I swear, there were a bazillion girls. Now, I firmly believe that if everything was based on dance I'd have the lead (JUST KIDDING! haha) but I know I'm not the best singer in the world, especially with the mysterious scratchy throat I have! Though I think the singing went pretty well, and the dancing went awesome, I just don't know! The odds are pretty much against me, so I'm not getting my hopes up. But like I said... if they based it solely on dancing... ;]

And then there were the callbacks for tour which were SO FUN. Like we did all these crazy things like acting like animals and being a circus (this one time a guy even jumped over me while I was standing up! and he threw me in the air, etc. SO FUN) so yeah. There are also only FOUR people on that cast, and TWELVE at callbacks, so the odds are 1 in 3 to get it. Not so bad, but still, 2 in 3 is better odds of not getting it =\

But despite all this nervewracking business, I do know this: Not getting cast for a mainstage show IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Haha, it happened last semester, and it may very well happen again. It's a tough semester, this one, and it'd be awesome if I got cast, but if I don't, I won't die. I'll find something else to do, I know it. Haha, that's my KEEP IT POSITIVE attitude I have about auditioning in general - I tell myself that whatever happens is meant to happen!

On other notes: the first day of class has come and gone, and I already feel like I'm back into the swing of my life. I am going to a partayyy tonight (in about a half hour actually) and tomorrow I'm gonna have to go buy a bunch of books, etc. lol. oh mannnn. back to being stressed all the time! (even sans being cast, my schedule is pretty hectic)

Well, that's my life! Auditions, stress, and finally, a PARTY to relax!

a new friend... hopefully.

so here's the thing. after a STRANGE occurance last night and some thoughts put together from talking with another friend of mine I have come to this conclusion -

my new apartment is haunted.

I'm not at all creeped out by it though, so I hope it's a nice ghost.

Here's what happened: Janine and I were going to bed (pretty late at night, I must say) and we were the only ones in the apartment. The way our room is layed out, our computer desks are in the living room and I had already turned my itunes off (but I always have them pulled up on my desktop) and I had washed my face already and gotten into my pajamas so my screensaver must have come up at this point - right? and suddenly from the living room where my computer is located, "Hey Big Spender" is pulled up and playing in the middle of the song! Which I'm sure there is like a bazillion different explanations that do not involve paranormal phenomenon, but I just have a FEELING it is a ghost. I can't explain the feeling, no, but trust me!

Also, I have a friend who lives on the SAME HALLWAY who says he has a ghost who will fold clothes that he knows well and good he left in a dirty pile on the floor - I think that's enough evidence to make me question whether or not the "logical explanation" or the "crazy suggestion" is the right one!

At either rate, I'm welcoming the new presence in my life!
ps. I seriously will take pictures of the apartment whenever we finish decorating.

alert.

this is just a post to alert you that I am no longer living in my parents' house and have moved into my NEW apartment in the Rankin in downtown Columbus.

Today is joyous day.
(pictures tomorrow when we get done decorating!)

excited girl.

and it's bad news, I don't blame you
I do the same thing, I get lonely too
and you're bad news, my friend told me to leave you
that you're bad news, bad news, bad news..


theme song of my life? possibly, but I feel like it's never going to end. I hate feeling the way I do. I feel like... like I haven't moved past anything from last summer. I feel like I continuously like guys who are no good for me, but then I make a concious decision that I don't care! why am I like this? god.

I've been all about writing really angry poetry lately, mostly inspired by last summer/fall and the most ridiculous amounts of emotional pain I'd ever been in. I'm not sure if I want anyone to read it though, because it's mostly "blah blah blah". maybe one day, I'll post some up totally anonymously or something, because I like it, but of course I do, I wrote it.

on a much happier note: I am so ready for it to be tomorrow. what is it about Columbus that is so appealing you may ask - freedom, would probably be the first thought. as much as I love my family, the evenings alone on my laptop or with (I am ashamed to admit that I've stooped to this level, but I finished all the Boleyn books!) a Twilight book... they are really getting to me! my second thought - theatre, of course! it's the number one reason I even GO to school. haha. then of course - my friends, who I adore and love and miss.

in other words, I need my life back.

I can't wait for it to be tomorrow, no seriously, I can't.
<3

why is it always raining when I feel sunny?

Things that cheer me up: chocolate, ice cream, hilarious embarassing old school nineties music (aaron carter), the prospect of change in my life, very funny middle of the night drunk dials, my friends, good deals when shopping.

Let's just say the past two days have included all of the above, so I'm in a pretty damn good mood these days. I think life could have only been better if I had MADE something in the past few days. Haha.

Uhm, packing ahoy for the rest of the week, but I've pretty much done all the drab parts. Now it's just: one more box of randomosity, paintings (etc), my clothes, and my shoes/accessories. So it's not THAT much more stuff. I may even take today off from packing ;] because I got all the kitchen, living room, and bathroom stuff packed yesterday.

For the rest of the week, I will be trying to hang out with my friends (yesterday was a "oh my god, I have no life" day) from Augusta and enjoy my last few days of vacation.

Oh, I finally scheduled my audition: 7PM.

thoughtful?

I Believe...

that if I eat an entire can of icing and nobody notices or sees, the calories and fat do not count.

in some kind of higher being.

in being a good person.

that shopping actually DOES make things better.

that if you shop for bargains it makes it even better than just shopping.

in being classy, but fun.

that there is more to life than love.

in being friendly and polite to strangers.

that the book is always better than the movie.

that if you can't feel your nose, you're too drunk.

that rhinestones will make any dull costume look fabulous.

that you can tap anything out.

that there is no way to acheive true perfection, so quit trying.

that performing literally makes the world disappear.

in art.

in peaceful solutions.

that one can never own too many shoes.

in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart ;]

that television rots your mind (and yet, I don't care.)

that theatre should move you from one place in your life to the next.

that laugh lines are prettier than frown lines.

that if you eat enough chocolate, the metaphorical skies will clear.

that no matter how many pictures you took, you will always wish you'd taken more.

that doing the right thing doesn't always feel all that great.

that if you love someone, you'll love them for who they really are.

that a healthy amount of absurdity adds a little flavor to life.

that segways were invented purely to make us laugh.

that if everyone in the world actually TRIED to get along, we could.

that you can become friends with your ex.

that women should not be measured on their ability to reproduce.

that the purpose of free samples in grocery stores if for when you're hungry while you shop.

that you need to be friends before you can be in a relationship.

that you shouldn't litter. end of story.

that some things will never change.

that it takes a lot more to get over someone than just deciding that you are.

that when one part of your life sucks a lot, you're probably not paying enough attention to the really awesome parts.

in myself.

in living only once.

that when you really fall in love, it can't be as hard as all the other times have been.

that all we can do is try to take our peice of the world and change it - hopefully for the better.

&&&

haha, janine was saying how everyone else's blogs were all deep earlier, so I wrote a blog that was all DEEP. haha. no really, I do believe all that stuff.

Life is good right now, I've been packing tons, and you know... giving in to peer pressure and reading Twilight. (I know. God.) Haha, so don't hate. And enjoy my random artsy picture.

I really, honestly wish that my life would just work itself out. but it seems as though I'll have to take the proactive approach. I don't feel as pressured as I did before, because I really did just realize that I'm finally letting go of a lot of stuff I've been holding onto for an unnatural and unhealthy amount of time. so it's kind of nice to just be like "AHHHHH" and be all ready for life to be all happy and sunflowery. (AAHAHAHA how optimistic am I tonight? on drugs? nope!) I am just.. I want to feel free and happy and not like I need to be loved by a man to be validated, you know?

So this is my official stance of the year - BE HAPPY. don't stress over gay drama. work hard. love life. laugh as often as possible. be classy and fun.

I hope you guys are wonderful as well!

anxious girl.

I really don't know what it is lately, but I'm getting really easily annoyed. I can't help it - 90% of the people I come in contact with in my day to day annoy me. If it's not one thing, then it's another. And usually this would just be my family, but it's branched out to friends, acquaintances, and total strangers. So I'm sorry if I'm really bossy or mean or grumpy with you, it's my annoyance control going berzerk. I honestly think it's because I've been in one place accomplishing very little and changing very little for so long. I love home, don't get me wrong, but I'm really ready to start actually WORKING at something again, accomplishing things, and feeling like I'm in the right place in the world. Things here are just so... stagnant. It's hard to hang out with people because I have to actually drive to see them, and hanging around the house seems infinitely lamer than hanging around my apartment or on the riverwalk downtown (each the equivalent of hanging out "at home", no gas cost, no money involved at all).

Luckily for my short fuse, I am moving back to Columbus next Saturday. Janine and I will be living in an apartment with just us, and I'm really ridiculously excited about decorating it. At the end of last semester, one of my RAs let me go see it (the other occupants had moved out, obviously) and I've been ready to move in ever since. Although I do so love BC2D, I will be wayyyy happy to live in a dorm that is not specifically for freshmen, and one that has a TABLE. Which sounds like an irrational thing to be excited about, but really, it is pretty darn exciting when you have eaten at your coffee table for a year! Haha!

I've been working on my audition peices a lot lately, and I'm finally basically happy with them, Thank God! They could obviously use a little more work, but that's why I have two more weeks (give or take) to fix them up and make them shiney and nice =] I would really really really LOVE to be cast this semester, but I'm not going to put all my eggs in one basket. Obviously there is plenty of stuff to do around Columbus, and hopefully I will be working tech for the mainstage shows, maybe do a freestage or some community theatre or something like that. Although I always forget that I did the Laramie Project last May and that I need to update my resume. Hah!

I also need a new headshot. A new year - a new headshot! No really, mine is a year old now, and it really doesn't look like ME, you know? I'm not really smiling, etc etc. Plus, my hair is long in it, and that's just not right.

I finially finished Cory's quilt today, he should be happy. I plan on making him pillowcases tomorrow or the next day.

Exciting news: I'm probably going to get paid to paint something for a girl I used to dance with! I mean, not like big bucks or anything, but it's still pretty exciting!

I still hate men, but updating my blog did actually put me in a better mood, surprisingly enough.

=] love you, kids.

"I'll sit and wonder of every love that could have been

if I'd only thought of something charming to say."

artsy girl.

above is a clip of my latest painting. I really like it, because it really represents everything that I wanted it to. the coloring in the back (I'm not sure if you can tell from this clip) is very watery, and flowy and free, and a little bit messy to be honest. there's even some splatter painting involved.

then of course, the representative part is the key itself, which is representative of the key to happiness, success, etc. the words on it are all words that I feel are important to me developing as a person, and I really really like it.

I feel like it was a good peice of art.

In other news, I'm just questioning a lot of my life lately. I don't really know how to not know what I want anymore. I've been so self-assured for so long that the questioning what I want thing just isn't my style. I'm really hoping that when I get back to school everything will magically clear itself up. I just feel like I don't want things that not that long ago I wanted so badly.

What is wrong with me? I don't know. Maybe I'm just growing up.

"then looking upwards, I strain my eyes and try to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

'do they collide?' I ask, and you smile.

with my feet on the dash, the world doesn't matter."

shopping is fun!

so since I was nature girl, then I was sick girl, this weekend I am... girly girl!

that's right! the other day I went and Megan gave me a facial at Merle Norman =] which was amazing and very rejuvenating! Then I went with Megan, Cory, and Tyler to see Mama Mia! again haha. I really do think it's a cute movie. And the "Dancing Queen" scene warms my heart. Haha!

And then the next day (which is yesterday) my mom and I went to the Nail salon and got our manicures and pedicures. Would you believe she had never had her nails done?! Haha, I never had a little flower painted on my toes though, so now I do. =] And of course, I love a good french manicure, yayyy.

And then this morning, I got up early and we went for our hair appointment. basically I still have the same cut, with a little different color. Before it was almost blonde, it was so light, but now it's a bit darker, a more auburn color. I like it a lot.

see? haha. I love it! That necklace is also new, because they were having a sale at the salon (strange, but one of their regular clients was selling jewelry like a fundraiser!) and I think it's pretty interesting!

After that, we went out to lunch at Panera (my favorite) and then went shopping at the mall! My mom got some new clothes from Chico's (which is her favorite) and then we went into Sephora, and I thought we were just looking around, like looking at stuff that we might want one day but were gonna ignore our lust for until we had more money! But I was showing her some stuff I wanted and she got me two things... dun dun dun!

Diorshow mascara!

Haha, seriously it is the most amazing mascara. I am so happy that I have it! But not only did she buy me THAT but she also got me.... Smashbox O Gloss!

Now this is a pretty awesome lipgloss, because it is "intuitive"! Basically it changes tint so that it will compliment the wearer's skintone! It looks different on everyone! And for $22 it better be great!

We also got some underwear at Aerie =] Which is pretty awesome, because I love Aerie underwear, and the separate store from AE has just opened at the Augusta Mall.

Also, we went to Walmart and got LOADS of stuff for Janine and my kitchen! Which is really awesome because we had always had suitemates who had all this kitchen stuff, so we didn't really have anything to cook with now that we don't have suitemates, haha!

So other than the really shallow parts of my life where I go shopping and get all primped up and pretty, I've been okay. I'm excited to be getting back to school. I mean, I miss everyone, and I love my life when I am in Columbus. I feel like I'm actually accomplishing things when I'm there and I love NOT living with my parents, as awesome as they are, and as much as my mom totally spoils me sometimes. (I think she's going through pre-withdrawal again though) But in this strange way, I'm totally nervous. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I don't know what's going to happen (in a lot of aspects of my life) when I get to Columbus - stuff this summer has managed to make me really confused in one department of my life (homewrecking whore, that's me), and then you never know how auditions will go (and I really miss acting), and I feel like there's this whole pool of NEW PEOPLE coming in, you know, freshmen! It's gonna be interesting, that's for sure.

Titanic is on TV. YESSS.