finishing my sentences.

I'm tired.

of not getting enough sleep.

of feeling like your problems are my fault.

of missing you.

of feeling insecure about my body.

of feeling like a peice of meat.

of climbing uphill.

of getting hurt (physically and emotionally).

of realizing that sometimes your friends aren't really your friends.

of feeling like a stupid actor.

of being tired.

I wish.

that I could fast forward through this semester (not because it's bad, but because I am, in fact, tired.)

that I could come to peace with things.

that I could be better with my body.

that I knew exactly where I would be living in the next year.

that I had a puppy to play with when I come home from a long grueling day.

that I had a new phone.

I can't...

really have any of that.

but of course,

the glass is always half full.

I love.

Machinal tech week.

my wonderful roommate, Janine.

feeling healthier by making better choices.

getting to know people in the department who used to just be acquaintences.

staying up late to talk to my friends.

doing something I'm not necessarily good at, but finding some sort of reward in it (stage management).

my friends who support me and love me.

my family.

pretty much the world.

I think I just need more sleep, and a little bit better perspective.

on taking the first steps.

I feel like I can't have what I want anymore.

I want to eat so very healthy. I want to just eat whole grain things or fruits or nuts and be so healthy! I want to just drink water! If I could live this life where I would only eat what was good for me and I would only drink water and I would excercize every day, I WOULD. I just don't feel like it's plausible, for many reasons. The first is money: I don't have enough money to go purchase health food right now! I want to have a stock of fruit and organic things to munch on when I'm hungry that I won't have to feel guilty about.

I want to work out too. I want to have the time and energy to. I plan on getting up early and meeting Andrew for a morning (10AM haha) run tomorrow and trying to do that every Monday and Wednesday. It's easier than working out at night, and I think if someone else is motivating me to do it I actually might do it, haha. So yeah. It's just hard to motivate yourself to work out when you have class all day and rehearsal all night - it's actually really close to impossible. But I am going to do it.

Why this sudden change? Well, Lindsay let me start reading through her copy of Skinny Bitch at Machinal tech. Now - don't get all up in arms. I know that from the title it seems like it would be a book advocated eating disorders and glorifying that only thin people are beautiful - it's really not. Basically, the book is like talking to your really well-educated about the food industry girlfriend. (Also very educated about your anatomy and health!) In just the first few chapters, I really feel like I can never look at processed foods again. I'm giving up (fairly successfully so far) Coca-Cola ("liquid satan" as they refer to it as) and just trying to avoid over-processed foods. After what I read in the past few days, I really don't think I'll ever look at food the same way. Truthfully. What really just blows is that organic food is so expensive. =[

I know - I'm not fat. I know I don't necessarily NEED to lose weight. I am aware of this - but I am not trying to really lose weight. I am trying to lead a healthier lifestyle. I guess this is what leads to me to what I think is the last inhibitor - lack of support? I know that sounds bitchy. I feel like when I'm talking about this stuff (albeit it's only been about three days), people are looking at me like I'm nuts, or thinking that I'm being stupid because I'm not fat, but I just want people to support this decision! I need help fighting off my Coca-Cola addiction and I really do want to lead a long, healthy life. I've already screwed with my system enough over the past twenty years, why not detox now and start my life anew?

I'm also not saying I'm totally going to change what I eat - I'm still going to go to free dinner or out to eat with everyone! I just am going to make better choices, not eat as much fast food, not eat as much CRAP basically. Also, the working out is important.

Hopefully a few weeks from now this won't all prove to be another phase for me. Please support me, I really want to do this.

I feel like I'm back to my old self in the dating department again, and I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not.

Machinal opens this week. I'm freaking psyched! [=

You're pretty cool.

the road goes on.

Machinal tech has begun. It's surprisingly not as bad as I thought it would be - but I think that's because the technical team is awesome! Also, some of the things that I thought would be awkward aren't. Mostly because I am finally pretty much over Brian. Though that doesn't make it any easier to avoid the awkwardness of my weird fellow castmates! (haha, you all know to whom I refer. awkward!)

I haven't listened to Lord of the Rings: The Musical in forever, but I am so digging it right now.

I'm starting to feel so much less needy in the "love" department. I am definitely in the "physical gratification" phase though, and I feel the need to pointlessly make out with people (bad phase!) but it's better than the moping phase! It's nice to be back to the "okay with being on my own" phase too.

I started skimming through Lindsay's copy of "Skinny Bitch" today. I want to read the entire thing. I want to live my LIFE by that book. Seriously? If I could afford to start just eating so much healthier now, I would. Also, I am working (once again) to cut coke out of my life. it's actually a lot more successful this time though. I'm having one a day in actuality, it almost gives me a headache to HAVE caffeine at this point, and I sleep a lot better at night. I would love to lose some pounds and be healthier as well. I really just need that book lol.

Well, that's life really. School is hectic as usual. Machinal tech. Picking myself back up again. You know how it goes.

new soul.

so things are getting better. no, they really are. I don't feel like the walls are pressing in on me as much as before (though I still have a lot to do.).

• SITUATIONS: A Contemporary Love Story Ballet. It's over! I can't even fathom that it happened, honestly. It was well-received, and I pretty much just feel like a proud mama [= Thankfully though, I'll have a few extra hours each day now that it's over. Hooray!
• Machinal is finally merging on tech week! We'll be in the space tomorrow, and yesterday was the really stressful day of understudy run (when I had to go in for Carrie as the Stenographer), so that's over too! Hoorah! I think it's crew watch on Wednesday or Thursday as well... so strange! But after Machinal is over, my schedule will be CONSIDERABLY free-er.
• One Acts - are actually going rather well. I don't feel totally incompetant as a stage manager (I have at some points during this process), and it's not as stressful as I had originally percieved it.
• MAYMESTER! Yayyy. So while I was planning on staying for Maymester anyway, I auditioned for the show that we are producing here at CSU - and I got cast! Granted, my role as "The Dancer" has no lines, but I am onstage a lot and I get to dance with an IV post! Hah! It's gonna be nuts. Also, I am understudying the Woman, who is the lead character [= ALSO, I pretty much adore everyone else in the cast. I'm pretty freaking psyched actually. Plus, it won't be a long rehearsal process, so it won't be so torturous. And it will be during maymester, when I might take one class (might not actually)... so I won't be nearly as stressed out! HOORAY. what what.
• The only really stressful thing is my living situations - it's creeping up that we need to find some place to move and soon! So nerve wracking. Oh well, it'll fall in place, I'm sure.

Well, that's basically it. Life is busy. Life is hectic. I miss having money. I miss my phone. My dad is getting me a blackberry [=. I'm pretty much always tired or cracked out on caffeine. One or the other [=

I like you. Incredibly unexpectedly. Awkward.
I love you. (Always have.)
<3

I can feel it.

it's all gonna work out [=

I just need to be calm until it does, that's all.

fast forward to may please?

too little butter over too much bread.

so I just paid $2,300 dollars on this summer's trip to Germany.

I can't be more thrilled at the idea of going.

It will be so nice to get out of the country! It will be nice to not be working on eight million shows at once (not that I don't like working on shows, I do!). I took on WAY too much this semester, and I'm starting to run ragged because of it. Now, I usually handle stress pretty well. I'll whine and bitch and be like "I'm stressed!" but it doesn't affect the way I feel overall (well, a little.) but this? right now? I'm a dumbfuck for taking all this on! HAH. Truth. I'm just tired, is all.

At either rate, Germany will be oh-so wonderful, with my wonderful Cassie, and the wonderful Shane! WONDEROUS. (that's not a word, I'm aware, but I've used it a lot lately.)

So here's another convenient list of what's going on in my life, since it seems to be the way I think when I'm stressed:

• Machinal - I think it's going well, personally. I'm excited for Understudy run coming up, because I really want to show that I've been working! Basically, I'm so happy to be working with these people, but like every show, it gets to the point where you just want to skip to tech week! Impatience overtakes me frequently.
• Situations - IS COMING UP ON MONDAY. asdfghkll;! Haha, I'm actually really excited. The only thing I'm really nervous about is transitions and the tech part coming through. But I think it will! And once it's over, I'll be much happier.
• One Acts - Stage Managing is not my thing. End of story. I'll do it, because I have to and luckily I'm working with all people I adore, but I feel totally incompetant and it's just sad. Also, my Brittish accent could use a bit of work, hah!
• MY FREAKING PHONE. Well, my phone, Mario Lopez, who I adored, died. I'm sad to report this news. He would no longer charge, for some strange reason. SO! Now I've switched to Laura's old Venus phone, which wouldn't be so bad except that it's pretty much broken by way of text messaging, which is the real reason I even have a phone, duh. ;] At either rate, I'll probably switch back to an old flip phone for a month or so until we can upgrade to something nice. (Hopefully a Blackberry or something of that nature!) I just need to text! It's so disabling.
• Class goes alright.

Basically, I'm more than just moderately exhausted, and I am starting to wear thin.

Plus, there's no food in our apartment and I'm fucking starving.

I just want snuggles and some good Cajun cooking! Is that too much to ask for?!

luck of the Irish?

basically, Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

one of my FAVORITE holidays... too bad I'll be in rehearsal/class all day!

on positivity.

I realize that my last entry (made just hours ago), was really negative about the way my life is going right now. Sometimes, I PMS and get hung up on the sad things in my life. Here are some positive things:

• My spring break was AWESOME. Not only did I get to spend time with my family, but I got to go to Savannah (so fun) with some of my favorite people - Megan, Janine, and Brittain [=
• I'm finally doing better about spending money. Way to go me!
• Most of my Germany stuff is finally taken care of! YAY. I can't wait to go, because it'll be heavenly to get into the actual WORLD instead of just being stuck in Georgia.
• We're starting to look into houses and apartment complexes to move into this summer. I think it'll be a great adventure, moving off campus. 
• Situations is coming up. While a part of me has a coronary every time I think about it, I'm actually really proud. 
• Machinal is actually coming REALLY soon. Only two more weeks of rehearsal until tech week! INSANITY.
• We no longer have Stage Management class on Wednesdays [= I had totally forgotten about that! Also, after the next two weeks, we won't have any Stage Movement class. Incredible! I'll be so much less stressed. There aren't even words.
• I have awesome friends.
• I'm finally getting better with this situation. It's better, I think. I'm feeling a lot better. But that may just be the perspective I have at this exact moment.

I love you. I love my life. Things will always get better and then worse and then better again. I just don't know how I let them get so bad sometimes. <3

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

- Robert Frost

a little bit of heaven; and a little bit of hell.

So when asked how my spring break was, I responded:

warm and cold. rejuvenating. too short. thought-provoking. good for perspective. haunted. enjoyable. stress-free. but overall, too short.

basically, I've been thinking a lot over this break - mostly about love. some about ambition. some about my personality. some about just the randomness of life and death.

life is way too short, when you think about it. we're all tiptoeing around because we're terrified of getting hurt - we're scared of commiting to someone because we don't want to lose ourselves. but the truth is - I'm not really that scared of losing myself. I know who I am. I'm scared of being left. I'm scared of being left behind because I'm not willing to change. I'm scared of being hurt. I can't cry again. I can't do it anymore. I can't be this person who stands aside because I want you to be happy. I can't.

I really hate how somehow he still has this power over me that I can't seem to break free of. 

Which leads to the stress free spring break. HAH. I wasn't allowed to make contact with him (well he asked me a question once, but other than that), because it would "just make me sad". I don't know why it was so hard. I went for weeks without talking to him. I put him out of my head, because I was so tired of feeling like this.

I should NOT BE FEELING LIKE THIS anymore. There are only two explanations for the lingering of these feelings and I really would rather not accept either one of them, because they both point to serious flaws in my own personality. Either one: there really is something in me that disallows me to get over men, in general (please note how long I took to deal with Logan), or two (which is more terrifying): is that I allowed myself to love him (just a little), even though I had to have known that I was only temporary. I AM only temporary, to most men. The realize how weird I am, and generally get over me pretty quickly. I don't know. I just want to get back to working on things again and stop thinking about him.

ONTO OTHER THINGS that are not about BRIAN. Ugh.

Spring break was really fun, with Brittain, Janine, and Megan. We drove down to Savannah, ATTEMPTED to go to the beach but it was so cold!, then we went back to River Street, wandered around for a long time, then we went on a ghost tour (more on this later, I'm sure). The next day we got up and wandered around Savannah basically all day, shopped in some really expensive but awesome stores, spent some time in Colonial Park Cemetery, then drove home. All in all, it was a great retreat, and I'm really sad that it's over. That means it's back to the ho-hum life I've been leading lately.

I have been feeling so suffocated lately. Like I know it sounds crazy, but when I am in a room with him or if I know he's around I literally feel a shortness of my breath, and I can't stand to be there. I need to be out - the whole city of Columbus stiffles me. I need to run, I need to be free. I need to focus on other things that won't bring me all this pain. I'm not sure how to do that though. I'm so deep in lately, it just feels like it'll never end.

But on the other hand, I'm so happy. I love theatre, I love choreography, I love everything else about my life and myself. I'm just so tired of this bogging me down. God, please take it away from me. I can't do it anymore.

Big picture though. I'm fine. Sorry this blog is so depressing.

At least I finally feel pretty again. I have eliminated a lot of the negative people from my life. I am thriving with my schoolwork and my friends. I am FINE, in all respects of the descriptor. I just miss him, and that's the core of all my anger. In the end though, I just want him to be happy. But I want to be happy too.

I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

on the perfect guy.

the perfect guy would not be broken.

he would be a gentleman - the kind who opens doors for you, but not because you're too weak, but because it's tradition and it's respectful. he would be funny - but he would never pick on your real insecurities. you could punch him and he would punch you back - but not too hard. he would be sweet and nerdy, not a total stud - but he wouldn't be totally unnattractive either. he would have a good pair of sunglasses, even if you had to buy them for him. he would like theatre, but not necessarily be IN the theatre (though it wouldn't be a negative). he wouldn't mind being southern if he was, but he wouldn't be a redneck. he'd be happy to be alive - but he wouldn't have led a life of luxury. he'd like 80's movies and anything that's ever won "best picture". he wouldn't be politcal - he would just believe in kindness. he would play the guitar - but not in that cocky way that some guys play the guitar to get girls, but that way where they actually just like the tone of a good accoustic. he would like all kinds of music, but preferably not screamo. he would be soft enough to be lovable, but not too soft that I could break him. he would have style - but not so much that he would seem gay. he'd know how to fix things. he'd be helpful in the kitchen. he'd be moderately awkward, but only so much that I'd be able to enjoy the awkwardity of the combination. he would like the lord of the rings and harry potter. he would smell like detergent and deoderant, not cologne. he wouldn't think it was weird when you  just wanted to look at him for a moment.

the perfect guy would never have dated some crazy girl who could have broken him. and if he had, he would have had the sense to have ended things before she could ruin him for the rest of us.

the perfect guy would talk back to me in my weird accent that I made up. the perfect guy would beleive in eskimo kisses. the perfect guy would like making cookies at midnight and drinking coke for breakfast.

the perfect guy would think I was the perfect girl.

but as it is, I would just really like a nice guy, not necessarily a perfect one, to come along and put me back together. Please and thanks.

--

I miss you. Enough said.

on negativity.

Lately I've started a new life "kick". I know that my kicks rarely last very long, and that they're generally about losing weight or becoming more healthy, but I'm genuinely serious about this one.

I am making an effort to eliminate negative influences from my life.

I'm just so tired of feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I'm constantly trying to rationalize why I put up with so much bullshit from people around me. From now on, I'm going to surround myself with people who bring me happiness, and not people who bring me grief, make me feel guilty, don't bother to try to understand me, or just generally have a negative attitude towards me.

I'm just tired of it. For the past few months, I've made a genuine attempt to stop talking about people as much as I used to. And I've honestly been happier for it. I've felt a lot less negative about my friends for it too.

I guess a part of it is that I'm too busy to really care that much about "drama" anymore. I'm not saying I don't get mad, and I'm not saying that I don't still get a little judgmental but I am saying that I'm trying to just let things roll off my back more.

At either rate, keeping a positive outlook on life seems to be so important to get through the days lately. They're so long and grueling that I often don't have time to stop and eat, let alone participate in some drama.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm just so ridiculously tired of the constant bogging down negativity in my life. And I refuse to let any of it bring me down.

I am fabulous. I am wonderful. I can do whatever I want - including doing four shows at once and taking fourteen hours of class. I can and will. I will not become a zombie (yet), and I will do it.

I'm taking the world by storm. Positively. No one ever got ahead by sitting on their behind!

our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.

-henry david thoreau

a brief respite.

so I'm done with classes for spring break! this morning, we performed our composition, which went pretty well, and now I only have Machinal rehearsal (possibly rehearsals) until I make the long drive home to Augusta for the week.

I won't say that I'm not stressed about taking a break. Let's be real - I'd rather use this time off to rehearse! But we all need time to breathe and sleep and catch up with our own lives. Lately, I've been moving so fast that I haven't had time to even THINK about my social life. It's hard, and I don't even have time to eat some nights, but I'll make it through, I know it! I just need to learn to pack food in the mornings and eat during bathroom breaks ;]

After today's Machinal rehearsal though, I have nothing really planned except that I want to go look for a bathing suit at Old Navy. Wow. I can't even comprehend just going somewhere for fun...

I look forward to not setting an alarm and eating my parents food.

Also, to visiting with my fellow Harlemites and the two-day trip to Savannah!

OH. I made a discovery today! EVERNOTE is a glorious note-taking peice of software/network where you can access your to-do list from any computer! If you know me well, you know I usually keep a crazy notepad to-do list pulled up on my desktop and I just can't even fathom how wonderful being able to always access my to-do lists will be! I highly suggest you look into it if your life is as hectic as mine! Also, you can save websites of things you might want to buy or lyrics to songs or ANYTHING. Glorious!

Well, all is well. Finally a brief break to breathe, and then we plunge back into the depths when we get back from spring break. Alas!

keep it positive!

so yesterday, I was having a really negative outlook on life.

somehow, in between now and then - I spent two hours just chit chatting in the BC lobby with Craig and Cassie, slept, read some, got some groceries to make it through spring break, finished choreography for Situations (YAY), talked to someone I wanted to, and the weather got better.

In general, my outlook is a little brighter.

Things that still need to get done:

• Stage Movement Composition - Honestly? it's been hellacious (and still is) trying to schedule in rehearsals for this, but I think we're doing just fine. I've talked with other people in the class and ours set in stone pretty well. I realize that my schedule is probably the toughest to work around, because I've got a lot going on. But I appreciate the patience everyone in my group has had with me. I really like the project, in reality, even though it stresses me the fuck out.
• Machinal Rehearsal - as always. [=
• Situations - run through the entire show tonight (WOO!), and next week do pick ups during the day and earlier until Friday/Saturday/Sunday when we'll have marathon rehearsals. I'm pretty stoked actually, because I feel like it will actually come together.
• SPRING BREAK PLANS - happiest! Me, Brittain, Laura, and possibly Janine (hopefully!) will be headed to Savannah to go to the beach on Thursday/Friday of next week and can I say that I could not be happier? A) I love the beach and B) I need to REST. UGH I NEED SPRING BREAK TO GET HERE SOONER.

In general, I'm feeling a lot more positive.

Plus, I am finally starting to feel like a real person again, instead of a wet sock. We'll see how long this lasts after tonight's marathon rehearsal:

• 6PM - Readthrough Porcelain
• 7PM - Composition
• 7:30 PM - Machinal
• 10:30 PM - 12:00 AM Situations

And then I sleep?

Oh well, gotta keep it positive [=

I see so much magic.

when I look back at that ordinary (ordinary) life,

I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.

Here is the thing - and I'm going to be completely candidly honest here.

I am tired of being sad. I am tired of not having any sort of even semblence of closure. I am tired of everyone expecting me to be happy automatically because it was "only a month" and "who is he in comparison to you anyway?". I am tired of this.

I am not a sack of broken bones. I am a girl, and I am constantly wishing that a boy would love me. Is there something so wrong with that?

No, I was obviously not IN LOVE with Brian, that would be psychotic of me to even mention the idea of being "in love" after such a short time. But I was happy with him. It's hard to have happiness snatched away from you.

Another thing, I truly miss him. I wish sometimes when I feel like I've made a monumental mistake, that I could call him up or drive to his apartment and tell him about my life. I wanted to tell him my secrets - I was just scared, I guess.

But then, I'm moving on. I don't want him back. I mean, I don't think I do. Promiscuity of the last week aside, I've kissed someone else. And while I suppose it wasn't the same, as things like this never are, it was nice. I didn't feel totally broken or like I was desperately clinging to the idea that I was still appealing or even needy to be loved. I just wanted to kiss him, and I did. There was no real ulterior motive at all - I just wanted to kiss him. Lord knows that YES it was "scandalous" and NO it was not the most Robin-esque choice, but honestly? it made me genuinely happy for a time.

And I guess what I always have believed is true - you wake up every morning just a little bit better, until eventually you don't feel it at all anymore. It's a hard pill to swallow, but being strong usually is. I will be fine. And eventually, as my lovely husband Caleb said, one day, everything will not remind me of him, and I will be able to stand in the room with him and not even think twice about it. One day, I WANT to be his friend, but that day, I regret to say, is not today. Today is the day where I get to be angry, where I get to be sad, where everything DOES remind me of him, and where I forget about him a little bit more each morning.

Of course, I didn't want this entire blog to be about Brian. Like I said, I'm tired of it. I want to move on.

Today was magical. Not ONLY did I wake up to a practical snow storm (see the above picture), but also Machinal and Situations rehearsals were cancelled, so this is what I did:

played in the snow, got some hot chocolate, ordered pizza, watched The Skeleton Key (actually pretty good!), played around on facebook, read some, and hung out with Brittain, Gwen, and Amanda. WONDEROUS. After Thespians Conference, I really felt like I needed a day to dedicate to relaxation, whether I knew how to or not.

I feel like I've lost a part of my drive lately. I hate that about myself. I never had problems before what I call "the sadness" came. I am just never enthused to work on anything anymore. It's difficult, I guess, but it's getting better. I forgot how happy theatre makes me, and I really need to get back to doing what I really love. (I really wish CSU would do another farce, because in reality, it's what I would do for the rest of my life if I could. big obnoxious farce.)

I have wonderful friends. I know sometimes I take them for granted, but I really do. They've been putting up with wet sock Robin for two weeks now and God bless them for that. I just really need a pick-me-up and I don't know what kind, to be honest! Something good is going to happen to me soon.

In other news, spring break approaches. I will be happy to get out of this town, and I will be genuinely grateful for the rest and respite. I need perspective, and I need it bad. Heading to the beach for a camping trip does seem to be a great plan too! I'm super stoked. Hopefully it will have warmed enough to lay out by then! Not that my ginger ass will get a tan. But one can dream. [=

ps. I love you. And I mean it.