I see so much magic.

when I look back at that ordinary (ordinary) life,

I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.

Here is the thing - and I'm going to be completely candidly honest here.

I am tired of being sad. I am tired of not having any sort of even semblence of closure. I am tired of everyone expecting me to be happy automatically because it was "only a month" and "who is he in comparison to you anyway?". I am tired of this.

I am not a sack of broken bones. I am a girl, and I am constantly wishing that a boy would love me. Is there something so wrong with that?

No, I was obviously not IN LOVE with Brian, that would be psychotic of me to even mention the idea of being "in love" after such a short time. But I was happy with him. It's hard to have happiness snatched away from you.

Another thing, I truly miss him. I wish sometimes when I feel like I've made a monumental mistake, that I could call him up or drive to his apartment and tell him about my life. I wanted to tell him my secrets - I was just scared, I guess.

But then, I'm moving on. I don't want him back. I mean, I don't think I do. Promiscuity of the last week aside, I've kissed someone else. And while I suppose it wasn't the same, as things like this never are, it was nice. I didn't feel totally broken or like I was desperately clinging to the idea that I was still appealing or even needy to be loved. I just wanted to kiss him, and I did. There was no real ulterior motive at all - I just wanted to kiss him. Lord knows that YES it was "scandalous" and NO it was not the most Robin-esque choice, but honestly? it made me genuinely happy for a time.

And I guess what I always have believed is true - you wake up every morning just a little bit better, until eventually you don't feel it at all anymore. It's a hard pill to swallow, but being strong usually is. I will be fine. And eventually, as my lovely husband Caleb said, one day, everything will not remind me of him, and I will be able to stand in the room with him and not even think twice about it. One day, I WANT to be his friend, but that day, I regret to say, is not today. Today is the day where I get to be angry, where I get to be sad, where everything DOES remind me of him, and where I forget about him a little bit more each morning.

Of course, I didn't want this entire blog to be about Brian. Like I said, I'm tired of it. I want to move on.

Today was magical. Not ONLY did I wake up to a practical snow storm (see the above picture), but also Machinal and Situations rehearsals were cancelled, so this is what I did:

played in the snow, got some hot chocolate, ordered pizza, watched The Skeleton Key (actually pretty good!), played around on facebook, read some, and hung out with Brittain, Gwen, and Amanda. WONDEROUS. After Thespians Conference, I really felt like I needed a day to dedicate to relaxation, whether I knew how to or not.

I feel like I've lost a part of my drive lately. I hate that about myself. I never had problems before what I call "the sadness" came. I am just never enthused to work on anything anymore. It's difficult, I guess, but it's getting better. I forgot how happy theatre makes me, and I really need to get back to doing what I really love. (I really wish CSU would do another farce, because in reality, it's what I would do for the rest of my life if I could. big obnoxious farce.)

I have wonderful friends. I know sometimes I take them for granted, but I really do. They've been putting up with wet sock Robin for two weeks now and God bless them for that. I just really need a pick-me-up and I don't know what kind, to be honest! Something good is going to happen to me soon.

In other news, spring break approaches. I will be happy to get out of this town, and I will be genuinely grateful for the rest and respite. I need perspective, and I need it bad. Heading to the beach for a camping trip does seem to be a great plan too! I'm super stoked. Hopefully it will have warmed enough to lay out by then! Not that my ginger ass will get a tan. But one can dream. [=

ps. I love you. And I mean it.