on taking the first steps.

I feel like I can't have what I want anymore.

I want to eat so very healthy. I want to just eat whole grain things or fruits or nuts and be so healthy! I want to just drink water! If I could live this life where I would only eat what was good for me and I would only drink water and I would excercize every day, I WOULD. I just don't feel like it's plausible, for many reasons. The first is money: I don't have enough money to go purchase health food right now! I want to have a stock of fruit and organic things to munch on when I'm hungry that I won't have to feel guilty about.

I want to work out too. I want to have the time and energy to. I plan on getting up early and meeting Andrew for a morning (10AM haha) run tomorrow and trying to do that every Monday and Wednesday. It's easier than working out at night, and I think if someone else is motivating me to do it I actually might do it, haha. So yeah. It's just hard to motivate yourself to work out when you have class all day and rehearsal all night - it's actually really close to impossible. But I am going to do it.

Why this sudden change? Well, Lindsay let me start reading through her copy of Skinny Bitch at Machinal tech. Now - don't get all up in arms. I know that from the title it seems like it would be a book advocated eating disorders and glorifying that only thin people are beautiful - it's really not. Basically, the book is like talking to your really well-educated about the food industry girlfriend. (Also very educated about your anatomy and health!) In just the first few chapters, I really feel like I can never look at processed foods again. I'm giving up (fairly successfully so far) Coca-Cola ("liquid satan" as they refer to it as) and just trying to avoid over-processed foods. After what I read in the past few days, I really don't think I'll ever look at food the same way. Truthfully. What really just blows is that organic food is so expensive. =[

I know - I'm not fat. I know I don't necessarily NEED to lose weight. I am aware of this - but I am not trying to really lose weight. I am trying to lead a healthier lifestyle. I guess this is what leads to me to what I think is the last inhibitor - lack of support? I know that sounds bitchy. I feel like when I'm talking about this stuff (albeit it's only been about three days), people are looking at me like I'm nuts, or thinking that I'm being stupid because I'm not fat, but I just want people to support this decision! I need help fighting off my Coca-Cola addiction and I really do want to lead a long, healthy life. I've already screwed with my system enough over the past twenty years, why not detox now and start my life anew?

I'm also not saying I'm totally going to change what I eat - I'm still going to go to free dinner or out to eat with everyone! I just am going to make better choices, not eat as much fast food, not eat as much CRAP basically. Also, the working out is important.

Hopefully a few weeks from now this won't all prove to be another phase for me. Please support me, I really want to do this.

I feel like I'm back to my old self in the dating department again, and I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not.

Machinal opens this week. I'm freaking psyched! [=

You're pretty cool.