warm and cold. rejuvenating. too short. thought-provoking. good for perspective. haunted. enjoyable. stress-free. but overall, too short.
basically, I've been thinking a lot over this break - mostly about love. some about ambition. some about my personality. some about just the randomness of life and death.
life is way too short, when you think about it. we're all tiptoeing around because we're terrified of getting hurt - we're scared of commiting to someone because we don't want to lose ourselves. but the truth is - I'm not really that scared of losing myself. I know who I am. I'm scared of being left. I'm scared of being left behind because I'm not willing to change. I'm scared of being hurt. I can't cry again. I can't do it anymore. I can't be this person who stands aside because I want you to be happy. I can't.
I really hate how somehow he still has this power over me that I can't seem to break free of.
Which leads to the stress free spring break. HAH. I wasn't allowed to make contact with him (well he asked me a question once, but other than that), because it would "just make me sad". I don't know why it was so hard. I went for weeks without talking to him. I put him out of my head, because I was so tired of feeling like this.
I should NOT BE FEELING LIKE THIS anymore. There are only two explanations for the lingering of these feelings and I really would rather not accept either one of them, because they both point to serious flaws in my own personality. Either one: there really is something in me that disallows me to get over men, in general (please note how long I took to deal with Logan), or two (which is more terrifying): is that I allowed myself to love him (just a little), even though I had to have known that I was only temporary. I AM only temporary, to most men. The realize how weird I am, and generally get over me pretty quickly. I don't know. I just want to get back to working on things again and stop thinking about him.
ONTO OTHER THINGS that are not about BRIAN. Ugh.
Spring break was really fun, with Brittain, Janine, and Megan. We drove down to Savannah, ATTEMPTED to go to the beach but it was so cold!, then we went back to River Street, wandered around for a long time, then we went on a ghost tour (more on this later, I'm sure). The next day we got up and wandered around Savannah basically all day, shopped in some really expensive but awesome stores, spent some time in Colonial Park Cemetery, then drove home. All in all, it was a great retreat, and I'm really sad that it's over. That means it's back to the ho-hum life I've been leading lately.
I have been feeling so suffocated lately. Like I know it sounds crazy, but when I am in a room with him or if I know he's around I literally feel a shortness of my breath, and I can't stand to be there. I need to be out - the whole city of Columbus stiffles me. I need to run, I need to be free. I need to focus on other things that won't bring me all this pain. I'm not sure how to do that though. I'm so deep in lately, it just feels like it'll never end.
But on the other hand, I'm so happy. I love theatre, I love choreography, I love everything else about my life and myself. I'm just so tired of this bogging me down. God, please take it away from me. I can't do it anymore.
Big picture though. I'm fine. Sorry this blog is so depressing.
At least I finally feel pretty again. I have eliminated a lot of the negative people from my life. I am thriving with my schoolwork and my friends. I am FINE, in all respects of the descriptor. I just miss him, and that's the core of all my anger. In the end though, I just want him to be happy. But I want to be happy too.
I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
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