in which I review.

Oh! 2010! How you've escaped me!//Wow. What a year. 2010 has been by far, a year of self-discovery. Here is a little peek back into the past, since I really was atrocious at keeping up with my blog.

What I did//I started working out regularly. I was in a musical for the first time since high school. I danced. A lot. Crazy for You came and went. I directed my first ever full show complete with auditions and designers. I was a dirty mistress. I kissed the one man who has meant the most to me in my whole life. I lost him, too. I became a college senior. I had a million and one asthma attacks. I went swimming in the Chattahoochee River. I went to my first wedding as an adult person. I finished my Meisner training. I had a scandalous single girl summer. my apartment became "The Leaky Cauldron". I went on tour, and I had an amazing time. I started rehearsing a really exciting new project. I read a lot of Shakespeare. I bowled. I turned twenty two, which seems a lot older than twenty one. I bought my own airline ticket and flew to see a man alone, which seems rather adultlike, if you ask me. I met my new best friend, Sir Percival Corndog. I had a smaller, yet happier Christmas than usual. I spent a longer time home than I have in awhile, and I was happy.

Where I went//North Carolina, a lot. Houston, Texas, for my grandfather's funeral. All over the South West Georgia/East Alabama area. In a tour van. With three handsome, funny guys. Be jealous. We entertained children. Columbus, Ohio. Raleigh, to see the Nutcracker. Atlanta, frequently. Augusta, but only at the beginning of the year.

New Years Resolution: Travel more!

Music I Really Dug//Matt & Kim, Emiliana Torrini, The Love Themes from Love Actually, Sunday in the Park with George, "California Girls", that "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes..." song, I don't know what it's called, Ceelo Green's "Fuck You" changed my life. I had an intimate affair with the "Aim and Ignite" album by Fun. Guster and the Beatles and Rilo Kiley. It never changes.

Movies that Rocked my World//Inception. Black Swan. I loved the new Narnia movie, but that's my Narnia obsessed self. HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS. The Lovely Bones was trip-city. Sex and the City 2 was ridiculous, but wonderful. I finally watched Carrie and Psycho at Halloween, and I loved them both.

Books and Plays that Made Me Happy//Love is a Mixtape. The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The million times I have re-read every Harry Potter book (always.). Ironically enough, Asleep on the Wind. Directing it and feeling like I lived in a tree filled with stars (some of us are just that lucky.). The Caucasian Chalk Circle. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I just finished The Magicians by Lev Grossman, so that could be on this list too.

Things I'm Looking Forward To in 2011//Watching Percival Grow. Finishing school, finally. My senior project, "In Dreams/Nightmares" premiering, and feeling that complete feeling of creating something... I hope. The next installment of the Harry Potter movie! Moving away from the armpit of the world, Columbus, GA. The excitement of moving... in general. The job hunt, which I'm sure will be long and terrible. The many adventures to come. =)

Life is good, it just depends on how you look at it.

send me on my way.

It's a really strange thought - in about six months, I am going to be a college graduate. I am going to have a degree. It's been an amazing three and a half years thus far, and I'm sure my final semester is going to be awesome too... but it's hard for me to not be a little excited about not being in school anymore.

There was a point where I really wanted to go to grad school right after my undergrad - but I honestly don't think I do anymore. This is going to sound awful, as academic as I am, and as much as I get sick pleasure out of writing papers and doing school work, but I am incredibly burnt out on school. I am constantly feeling exhausted of being POOR (because I literally have no time to work between papers, shows, etc), and feeling like I'm jumping through hoops. While I am sure that graduate studies are in my future (like I said before, the lure of making an A is too appealing to me..), I'm also sure that I need to go take some time, move to a city center, audition, and try to get some acting work (while probably working a survival job...).

I'm home for the holidays right now, and watching my new puppy, Percy (officially, Percival Corndog Lyles, but sometimes called Perseus) and my older family dog, Crystal interact is SO funny. Percy seems to think he is bigger than her, and Crystal has taken on the role of disciplinarian. For example, he was barking last night when we put him to bed. Crystal took it upon herself to intimidate him - WIN. Love it.

So much holiday knitting to do today...

giving thanks.

Yesterday, I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. I had to have my friend and kitty, Hepcat, put to sleep. He was very sick very quickly, and there was no guarantee that he would ever get well - if I had kept him alive he would pretty much spend the rest of his life hospitalized and on machines, and I'm sure that would not be the life he would want, and definitely would not be the way that he would want to spend the holidays. However, I feel like I made the right decision. Rough as it was, at least he is no longer in any pain. =(

It puts a damper on my holiday, I will admit. I'm happy to be home with my family (including Psycho Kitty and my darling corgi, Crystal) though, because it makes me feel a little better and a lot less alone.

I love Thanksgiving. This past year, especially, I have been thinking a lot about gratitude and using it to become a better person. I love that this holiday (though rooted in the pillage of the natives..) celebrates the idea of gratitude, and for that reason, I make a list of things I am grateful for.

Today, I am grateful for....

My family, my dog, our new home. My roommates, and our home. That I can go to school and study what I truly love. My friends who have stuck by me thus far. Apple pie. Turkey. Breakfast with my parents. Being able to legitimately celebrate Christmas. Baking. The free mascara I got from my ULTA rewards card. Did I mention my family? Or my dog? CRYSTAL! The white daisies my mom bought to cheer me up. Oh, my family!!

=) give thanks. and love.

I am the luckiest.

Life is good. In all, in general, and always, life is good.

Money is hard, school is hard, life is good.

I spent last night trying to rig bags of blood to explode inside a man's dress shirt and attempting to make fake daggers, tonight I'm reading The Caucasian Chalk Circle, tomorrow I'm doing a show for children in the morning and then camping out and analyzing a play for my last directing scene here at Columbus State (whoa.), this past weekend, I got to induct new members into Alpha Psi Omega! In a few weeks, I'll get to go home and see my family. And soon, I'll be working on a show that is a creation basically out of my own mind... how amazing is that?

Some days, I love what I do so much I could just cry with gratitude that I'm able to do it.

Yeah, life is pretty fucking awesome.

Other things? Janine and I seriously cleaned the apartment earlier, so now I feel like real people live in it again. I miss Brian being in my life for real... I'm getting to be a much better knitter than I used to be. I'm actually ninety years old, I swear to goodness. My birthday is in less than a month! (I'm actually only turning 22... wait. What? I'm turning fucking twenty two?! How'd I get so fucking old?!) I plan on celebrating it with a midnight picnic and sparkly lights and delicious food =) Or with a party. Either way, there has to be lots of glitter and big curly hair. =) I just wanna celebrate while I can... before I really do get old.

Recently, I just feel like a lot of things have been falling into place pretty easily. Things are stressful, yes, but I feel like each day isn't as much as a challenge as they have been in the past. I think it's honestly because I finally have really found where I belong in the world, and not just "theatre" but "directing student", and hopefully one day, "director". God, that would be so cool.

Yeah, life is pretty effing good. =)

on feeling full.

It's such a strange feeling - being so busy after being so bored for so long. This past week has been SO FULL of rehearsal, stressful new classes (all of which seem to require a million pages of reading a week!), and friends that I've missed so much.
hfjwfwj42gggggg <- this is Melissa's contribution to my blog. She's a cool girl, that Melissa.
I'm very excited because Melissa, India, and I are going to Belloo's tonight for Little Black Dress night! Two free drinks, and fun times with two of my favorite female friends =) How happy! PLUS< I get to look all cute and stuff!
Today is such a nice day in comparison to the rest of this week, because I have felt so tired all week! Today I got to sleep in, fart around at the mall, and now we're watching The Neverending Story 2 and I may even take a NAP!
I'm happy also because I had gained a lot of weight over summer, this past week I've been going to the gym a lot and I have actually lost 3 pounds! HOORAY!
I hope all is well with you =)

Impending.

School starts on Monday. It's the very last time that this will ever happen to me (pending that I attend grad school, but I highly doubt it.). I'm kind of amazed. It's such a surreal feeling, knowing that in less than a year I will be a "real" adult. Strange, isn't it?

I'm really excited about the school year starting though. I'm excited to start working on Aesop's Fables too! Two of my lovely roommates are working on Spelling Bee right now and I'm so jealous because I want to be starting rehearsals too! Haha, it's funny how you crave for time off but once you have it, you're desperate for it to end.

At either rate, I really think doing tour will be a very good experience for me. It will make me more adaptable, I think. And force me to go to bed earlier. Haha, no for real. I'm stoked.

What I am not stoked about is my American Government class... le sigh.

A lot of my friends will be back in town tomorrow =) For this, I feel a lot of joy.

eclectically speaking.

There is a cat that lives at my parents' condo. It's technically my younger sister's cat, but she hasn't been home in two years, so I'll count it as my parental units' cat. It's name is Bright Eyes, but I've always called it "Worm" (Did you read The Witches of Worm as a child? I did! And let me tell you, I was scarred for life.) or even more commonly, "Psycho Kitty". What is wrong with this cat? I have no idea. It literally hates me. Even though I am quite loving when it comes to cats! I have a cat, if you don't know (which, if you're my friend, you should know, but if you didn't...) named Hepcat. This cat, however, decides to stare at me from down the hallway until I decide to stare back, and then? It runs away. No real explanation at all.

I am baffled by this behavior.

I have a Blackberry Curve, but I still am more than a little dependent on a day planner to write down all my appointments. I recently purchased a pink one and I'm moderately obsessed with it.

I wish people appreciated the value of the joy that glitter can bring, instead of feeling responsible all the time.

My family drinks a lot of boxed wine. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty obsessed with it myself. How delightful to be able to have just one more glass after dinner without worrying about the bottle, etc.

It hurts my feelings when people decide that my friendship is not worthwhile. It's happened twice, perhaps three times (though I'm sure that this person is going through a phase right now. he and I have phases.) just this summer. I'm a devoted friend. Maybe I'm not always immediately there, or available for hanging out, but I love my friends fiercely. There was a time that I would have called one of these people I feel that I've lost my best friend, but I'm starting to see that she hasn't considered me to be her best friend in a very long time. It's such a hard thing, letting go of friends. It's not like when you lose a lover - it's so easy to be mad about that, or to understand why they wanted out. But friends? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just too loyal about these things. Maybe I'm just deluded. I realize that this part of my rant makes about zero sense but I'm kind of just unleashing here. Is there some big cosmic chart that keeps track of points between people that I am unaware of? Is it bad that I put my studies, and therefore my craft before everything else? Is it possible that I'm unable to connect? I'm so frustrated sometimes because it feels like I talk and talk and talk but I never really truly say anything, and the number of people who really understand me are becoming so very few.

On the flipside of that, I have made some wonderful NEW friends (and reinforced some old ones) in the past several weeks. Spending time with them has really brought me such joy. I only wish that I would have hours every day to spend with them once school begins. The joy of summer can never last forever, but I will always remember these people, who helped make one of my shittiest summers end so wonderfully.

I really love coffee. It's delightful, delicious, and delovely. I don't know if I could actually wake up if not for it. And on the plus side, I saw on television the other day that caffeine doesn't actually de-hydrate you. I've been really worried about dehydration lately, because I think it's one of my biggest health risks, considering that I'd much rather any other beverage than water a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong, I love water,but I also love, juice, coke, wine, beer, mix drinks, etc.... Just not milk. But anyway, the point is that I'm becoming one of those adult type people who brews a pot of coffee in the mornings and really really really relishes in drinking it.

There aren't words to express how excited I am about starting back school, on that note. While I know that life will become really very stressful ALL OVER AGAIN... it's my last school year. Pretty much ever. And I'm excited to start working on theatre related things again, and really feeling like I'm a part of something bigger than myself. Not just the department - but the entire art of theatre.

It's so strange to think how much it's changed me. I guess that's a weird thought, but if something's ever changed you as much as theatre has changed me... then you'd understand. It moves me, it expresses me, it pushes me to do things, it challenges me, it makes me think... it's really everything. I know that sounds stupid and idealistic, but a part of me will always be in love with it. In absolute love.

I'm really enjoying The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I want my own copy. In fact, I may buy one tomorrow, just so I can takes notes in it.

I really want some dark chocolate to go with this red wine.

and eclectically speaking, I'm doing quite well.

in retrospect, life is good.

For the past few days, things have been going really well. I've been having packed days full of fun times with really good people. I've been reading good books, playing outside, going on double dates, and just generally having a great time. It really is starting to feel like summer.

I think this is because of the people I've been surrounding myself with. I'm not dogging on my friends who do this, because I clearly love them a lot, but I had been spending a lot of time drinking and smoking earlier in the summer and just being generally irresponsible just in order to forget my problems (ie. missing caleb, missing brian, falling apart in general). But lately I've been just having a lot of really good, clean fun. And who knew? I feel a lot better.

Generally, I'm smiling. I hope you are too, friends!
School is back soon.

The Artistic Drive Conundrum.

If I have been confused about everything in my life, theatre has never come into question. I feel like it is the most beautiful, life changing art form and I have never been happier (albeit, stressed out) than when I have dedicated my entire life to it. I'm driven. I want to create, I want to be successful in my college department, I want to learn as much as humanly can.

So why does it feel like no one but other theatre people can understand that? I figure if you have some sort of passion in your life, you can get it. But it just seems to me like everyone thinks that I'm just nuts half the time, completely wasting my life away on a major that will probably not make me any money. Maybe I SHOULD have majored in business or pre-med. Maybe I should have just gone the way of most of my high school friends and tried to pick something where I can make money. I guess then I'd be more relatable and available to "hang out".

But I'm happy now. I feel like I made the right choice to do something that is making me feel a sense of real fulfillment for once in my sorry consumerist American life. And I'm GLAD I go to a competitive school where I have to slave away to accomplish things. It makes me feel like I'm prepared to work even HARDER when I get out to the real world.

I would rather spend my life waiting tables and just making ends meet and doing something that I truly feel passionate about than spend 9 to 5 in a cubicle, running coffee errands or filling out paperwork for the rest of my life.

I just wish my other friends could understand that.

in case you were interested.

Healthy Amounts of Absurdity.
for more of my daily, pointless thoughts.

restless.

Nick: I think I've got restless heart syndrome. That's why I'm a lover.
Me: I've got restless everything syndrome. That's why I'm not.

Now, while I won't talk about Nick's assessment of himself (haha), I think this conversation accurately sums up a lot about me. It was just a thought I had during that conversation, and I think it's very true. I tend to get restless. It's a constant feeling I have, not something that really goes away unless I find something very "true". And even then, I can convince myself that there is something better out there. Well, maybe better isn't the right word... maybe "different" and "new" are better words. I tend to want to run the second anything gets really serious, and I always make these weird arbitrary decisions and screw things up. I always convince myself that I want something then I all of a sudden just don't. It's the way of the world, I guess. I'm a restless soul.

I think it'll be my new adjective to describe myself - restless.

only the good die young.

lately, my taste in music has become so eclectic. I find myself oddly relating to the song "only the good die young" by billy joel.

I have always loved the song, but it's the first time I actually found some way to relate to it, haha. Weird.

Things have been okay. Strange, but okay. I wouldn't classify this summer as one of the best of my life, but then maybe it's hard to live up to studying abroad with a guy who I would later develop feelings for. I'm just working a lot, hanging out with my friends, and pretty much actually enjoying being single. Don't get me wrong, I miss Caleb more than life sometimes. It will just sneak up on me like when I'm trying to fall asleep and my whole chest will feel like it's about to collapse in because I'll feel myself reverting... but I'm not sure if that's where I am meant to be right now. Who knows? I have always believed that things work out the way they are supposed to. Sometimes, I have to remind myself of that, but it's really the only way I think I won't spend my whole life completely hating myself for making what I like to refer to as "random arbitrary decisions". In my mind, mistakes are rare.

But you know... life just keeps going. Who knows?

on my current thoughts.

There is this funny thing about being single. It's like this: You have to meet people. You have to flirt, you have to try to look nice. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to make myself seem more appealing than I actually am. I'm tired of all the shaving the legs and the primping in the mirror and the witty back and forth of flirtation. I'm just... I feel tired.

I don't know. I guess that doesn't make much sense. I'm just sort of.. tired. It's like when you are thinking about buying a brand new pair of tap shoes. But then there's the thought - oh, but my old ones are already broken in. But these new ones will make better sounds and not fall apart on you! But the old ones are are just what I'm used to... blah blah blah.

I short, I think I'm going to go into hiding for the next few weeks, because I don't feel like making the effort to impress anyone.

But the summer is going well! I'm watching LOST for the first time, and I'm so addicted to it. I like my new living arrangements SO MUCH and I love most of my friends. I'm starting to realize the people who are really my friends and not just friends when it's convenient for them. I'm starting to really get excited for my life after college. I'm going to be extra prepared for GTC this year, and I can't wait to move out of Columbus and go elsewhere! Ah!

In short, life is good. I'm just too lazy to persue a relationship. Besides, let's be real. I really just want something old back. I guess we'll see. Life has a funny way of working itself out the way it's supposed to.

on keeping busy.

I find it ironic that during the semester, all I can think is, "Oh GOD I wish it were summer. All I want is to sleep and to play at the pool and to fart around and do nothing!" but now that summer is here and these options are available to me, nay! they are a part of my daily life - I feel like such. a. bum.

Luckily, I start working at Activ8 next week! I'm excited because it's a dance class that I'm teaching. Hooray! I love that.

Also, I'm planning on bleaching my counters and possibly floor of my kitchen today... And my parents brought me paint and canvas from home! HOW PERFECT for a project for the next two days =) I'm tres excited!

I miss a certain someone a lot. But I know in my heart that things aren't totally horrible. It's just rough right now. Ah, for it to be later this month!

on normalcy.

I once said, "normalcy eludes me."

I'm pretty sure that's true. It's funny because I feel like I have all the potential to be a happy, normal person. But alas, I feel like such an objective observer to my life sometimes that I just make these bizarre choices that don't really make much sense.

It's like, "oh, well this should be interesting."

That's the fascinating thing about the emotional disconnect I've been feeling lately.

In other words... MY LIFE. IS. BIZARRE.
Explanation to come, I'm sure.

cleanliness.

There is something very therapeutic about cleaning things. I used to find it incredibly frustrating, unproductive, and annoying. But as I've grown older, I have found some wonderful comfort in the idea of taking something that was dirty, old, and unorganized and making it clean, smooth, smell nice, and easy to use.

I'm kind of on a cleaning binge. I wish I was at home so I could reorganize my apartment.

I think the reason I like it so much is because it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something, fixing something. In life, there are so many things that we cannot fix: we cannot fix our relationships, our families, our monetary situations, anything really.

But we can totally take a dirty room, makeup box, purse, car, etc.. and make it smell like air freshener.
There's something bizarrely perfect in that thought to me.
(RANDOM THOUGHTS. 1)

aesthetically speaking.

Happy Summertime! Being away from Columbus has given me a lot of time to reflect on my life. It's given me time to (attempt) to relax, and to just sort of reboot myself. I feel so refreshed and so much happier. Spending time with my family, going to the beautiful and quaint parts of Eastern North Carolina, eating good food... it's all very lovely.

so this is a blog about a few of my current aesthetics... things I like!

I really want a ROMPER. They just look so comfy... and I love the victorian funky vibe of this outfit!

aesthetically speaking. by breakfastatrobins featuring Steve Madden shoes

My Summertime Playlist! It includes artists such as:

• Guster
• Ke$ha
• Rilo Kiley
• Lady GaGa
• Cobra Starship
• Hall & Oates
• The cast of GLEE
• Lilly Allen
• etc...

I love...

Natural locally brewed beers. Family times. The Fresh Market. Sushi. Sushi. Sushi. Watching Weeds on Netflix. The beach. Riding with the top down in the Mustang. My netbook - small, compact, and so powerful and cute! wearing sundresses. big sunglasses. my new fedora. text messaging. reading plays and loving them (THE CLEAN HOUSE). looking forward to new haircuts. pellegrino. collecting seashells. devouring books. sleeping late. my dog, Crystal. having skype so I can talk to Melissa. knowing that life is going to work out the way it is supposed to.

As a half-year resolution, I resolve to be funny, fun-loving, and happy again.
Life is good.

twilight zone girl.

With the summer, comes a few things: the loss of Caleb (sigh. He's in Atlanta but it just seems silly to have something going on when we're separated), the ability to sleep in, the idea of laying poolside, the prospect of a summer job, the visiting of the parentals, and apparently... insanity.

As Janine has dubbed it, the Single Girl Summer has begun. So many bizarre things have happened in just the past week. So much to the point of me feeling like I have stepped into an episode of the Twilight Zone. No lie.

On the plus side though, I have new roommates! I love it! =) I can't wait for Melissa to get back... and I can't wait to see just WHAT this summer holds for me! It's gotta be interesting if it started out this way...

We shall see! Bring on the sandals and the sunblock! Summer is HERE!

letting go.

Caleb is moving from Columbus to Atlanta. We aren't specifically a couple, but I care a great deal about him and I believe we would be classified as more than friends. I'm sad. I just left him for the last "we both live in Columbus and it would make logical sense for us to even attempt at this" hang out session. We had sushi, went to the bookstore, and went on an adventure to Lakebottom Park. It was a lovely evening, but in the end we sort of decided to let it stay open ended. Clearly we can still visit each other (more me visiting him since he doesn't have a car...) Nothing really CHANGED persay. I just am realizing that God plays funny jokes on people. He makes things happen at inconvenient times.

However, I am just grateful for the time I had. I am missing him and all my other graduated friends already. Why must I befriend people a year older than me?!

Summer begins. I'm headed to Texas for my grandfather's funeral on Thursday, and then to North Carolina. Then back to Columbus to work. Then who knows?

on being inbetween.

Life is weird. I really think God says, "Hey. I've made you miserable for two years, let me just throw you a couple of curve balls to check your balance now that you're generally happy!" But if it's a test, I feel like I may be passing. Maybe not making straight A's, but I'm generally trying to make the right decisions lately, even saying the phrase "I'm trying this thing where I am a good person." HAH.

At either rate, my romantic life is a giant clusterfuck. The one person I really care for is leaving town, for one. The other information I actually think is too scandalous to post in a public forum. At either rate, I find it infinitely frustrating.

My grandfather passed away yesterday. It's weird, because the last period of mourning I went through was for a friend who all of the people in Columbus adored, so I was most definitely not alone in my grief. But right now I feel so terribly and utterly alone in this situation. I'm not leaving Columbus until Thursday, but I really wish I was at this point just so I could have the time to myself to really deal with things. It's not as though I was that close to him, don't get me wrong, but family is family. And I will miss him.

On a much happier note, it's officially the summertime. Which means summer job, making money, spending time by the poolside, visiting home, etc. I am happy about all that.

I'm just in a weird state of inbetween.

random thoughts for this day.

"Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything." (Charles Kuralt)

Happy Earth Day =)

Sometimes, I miss being a child. Things were less stressful then. I wasn't so concerned about my appearance. I wasn't so stressed out all the time. I just liked to play outside. Maybe someday I'll get that feeling back. But I'm starting to think the world that we as people create out of ambition and competition totally kills that spirit. And it makes me sad.

Lately, I've been very concerned with my health. A large part of it is weight loss, etc. but in general, I have an extreme desire to preserve my body as long as possible. I think it's a conclusion that you have to come to yourself and you can't be told to be healthy by as many of your health crazed friends... you have to decide to do it for yourself. I've been running most of the mornings this week, on top of dancing, eating as healthy as I can, and I feel eight thousand times better. I sleep better at night, I wake up earlier in the mornings, etc. My hope is that over the summer I can develop good habits that will last me through my lifetime.

Hm. Life continues. There's not much I can say. Things are bizarre but normal at the same time. I've learned to accept that life is never quite what you want it to be.

antsy girl.

"She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we would try to pin her to a cork board like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew."
- Jerry Spinelli's Stargirl

Normalcy eludes me.

Life is good, as it seems. Things aren't perfect, that's for sure. But I'm starting to realize that I will never feel completely content. There will always be something that is gnawing at me, constantly begging for my attention. However, the general big picture points to a happy life for me right now. I'm not entirely stable romantically, but the happiness factor is there. So that's really all I can ask for, right? Maybe it won't last that long, but right now is good. =)

I miss Europe, speaking of. I know that's lame. But I miss the adventure of traveling I think is a better way to sum it up. I miss living out of a bag, I miss not feeling held down by the weight of my many responsibilities. I miss the romance of it all (in both senses of the term), I miss the intrigue. I miss the idea that "this will be my last moment here so I gotta remember it!" I miss the adventure, yeah. If money were flowing steadily I would go back. Or somewhere else. I need something new. I'm tired of staring at the One Arsenal Place courtyard, of eating at the Market on Broadway, of the same conversation over and over with twelve different people.

On the other hand, it's nice to accomplish things. Have a long lasting impression on people. Even if professors still spell my name with a "y" instead of an "i", they know who I am and know I work hard. Sometimes though, the wanderlust takes control.

I'm just antsy, I guess is what I'm getting to. Nothing is wrong, in fact, most things are going right right now. I'm doing well in school, my social life is fine, etc. But the antsiness has settled in. Mostly because I am both dreading and looking forward to the next few months.

The summer is coming. While I may not fulfill my wanderlust, I will get the time to relax, do rejuvenating self-building things, and maybe get a little sleep and have a little mindless fun, visit my parents, etc.

I'm just going to miss certain people.

But in the end, life is good. Strange, but good.

I just said, "dude, your perspective on life sucks."

Hm. Life seems to be more tiring than I thought it would be post-Crazy For You. However, I haven't got much to complain about.

I finally got a chance to clean my room, and discovered that I've literally been swimming in dirty laundry for about a month now. It's much more cozy and work-easy now. Thankfully! Haha, plus, my wonderous roommate, Mandi, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom so now the apartment seems much fresher.

I'm working on choreography for extravaganza right now. (Well, taking a break to blog) But I feel so much more artistic freedom with this. Maybe it's because I got to choose my dancers. Maybe it's because I am just feeling less pressured because it's just a project for me. Either way, it's really nice.

I like this boy too. I mean, he makes me smile. And I kind of love that I don't see him every day. It's so much easier to spend time with him when we both legitimately have the time instead of trying to fit it in every spare second that we have. It's refreshing to be pseudo-dating someone who has the same perspective on that. He's weird, but hey. So am I.

Hm. Maybe it's just me, but the up-coming summer has brought me a real sense of peace. Yay!
I just can't wait to start getting paid.
=)

Love and tap shoes and cinnamon coffee and losing six pounds.

the way you changed my life..

Crazy for You is over. Officially. Wow. What a run! Although stressful, it was a really great time! We sold out every show and played to standing ovations as well as happy audiences. Sure, it was a rough rehearsal period, but the show pulled through and I ended up having a great time (and losing somewhere between five and seven pounds...)

It was so nice to see my family this weekend. I forget how much I miss them until I'm faced with the idea of being around them again. It's like "WAIT! Come back! I want you to be here more!!" But life has to continue.

I came to the sad realization this morning though (while thinking of how I might actually miss the show..) that school will be ending soon, and a certain someone will be moving pretty far away from me. While I feel like he is making the right choice for himself I can't help but know that I will miss him. I know I'll be fine, I always am, but really? I want more than anything to stop leading my normal life.

I want something extraordinary.

Take that whatever way you please.
Love and feather headdresses and sequins and tap shoes.

(not) another brick in the wall.

The concept of "cool" has always eluded me...

In elementary school, I can remember that I literally WANTED to be nerdy. I think it had something to do with the way I idolized my older sister (hey, I'm willing to admit that I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread for a good portion of my youth!) and the way she was so smart, but I really had a desire to wear glasses and braces and to dress a little dorky. It also could be attributed to my rebellious streak (I have one, believe it or not). However, being "cool" was definitely not something that I even began to care about in those days. "Cool" to me was going into the swamp or studying spiders or reading a book in one day. But then, I was a really weird kid. I liked to go out and pretend to be in a fort in the woods, I liked to put on talk shows in my living room, I was pretty sure there was nothing cooler than THAT.

I think the only time it occurred to me that I really genuinely cared about being popular or cool was when I hit those awkward pre-teen middle school years. But what can I say? Braces, frizzy hair (I had yet to discover heat styling...), clothes from Goody's, and acne just weren't the "cool thing" at the time, so I was pretty much SOL. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't miserable all those years because I had such great friends, lalala, but I will say that those years of ugly duckling syndrome definitely made an impression on me. Being the "ugly" or "weird" girl always sort of haunts me, even today. It really was just an awkward time for me - going through puberty a little earlier than my peers set my hormones in a rage, and my orthodontist didn't seem to care that I already had glasses and acne to make me a genuine loser, so braces it was! (Though I must admit to being thankful for my delightfully straight smile now!)

And even though my friends from that time still are a big part of my life, and they are probably the best way that I made it through that awkward transitional phase, I know that I was miserable. I find it strangely ironic, considering that I never had planned on being the popular girl in the first place. However, being constantly made fun of to my face by people I barely knew was just.. horrific, really. I'm not sure how I dealt with it in all honesty.

And then there was high school. Yet another transition phase for me, but this time, it was if I were emerging from the cocoon. Luckily for me, I got to start high school in a brand new place - at the school where my mother taught science. Now, I think a lot of kids would have chosen not to attend a school where their parents worked, but I was so desperate for a fresh start I was just going to have to accept the circumstances. Besides, Harlem (which is where I eventually went to school) had one of the best theatre programs in town, and I had always wanted to try my hand at theatre. My super nerdy (yet wonderful!) older sister had really found a home there in the theatre program so I felt like it was worth a shot. So I go to high school there.

Harlem is a small town. There is only one stop light, and a festival dedicated completely to Oliver Hardy once a year. It is a silly, tiny place, but in all honesty, I could not imagine ever being happier in high school. Sure, I had a host of self-esteem issues, but doesn't every fifteen year old? Especially after three years of being made fun of, my appearance became almost an obsession. The funny thing was though, that I was always a bit off of what was cool. I refuse(d) to accept a manikin as a definitive way to dress (and I still do). Instead, I would choose the most bizarre (yes, more bizarre than even now) outlets for my fashion expression. I had a phase where I would only listen to swing music and profusely told people that I had been born sixty years too late, and I had a phase where I wore a pony bead necklace every single day without fail. In fact, one day my drama teacher (who had become a second father to me) said to me, "Could you just not decide what to wear when you woke up this morning?" He was clearly joking, but it still rings true.

As a side note, the one thing that I discovered in high school was the theatre. I found a family there, I found art there, I found joy and self-confidence. Pretty much every actor at some point has this realization that their sole happiness comes from their craft and being onstage, and it really was the way that I discovered how not only to be confident, but also that being myself was once again cool, if only to like ten or so people. Nerdiness and all.

I graduated, never really knowing what it meant to be "cool" from a small town high school where my mom was a teacher, loving theatre (my salvation from the normalcy of every day life), and with bigger dreams than I'd ever had when I was younger.

And then, college. Now "cool" in college is so much different than cool in high school. I'm a theatre major, so everything is pretty warped for us. We live in a giant glass fish bowl, and there really is no way to swim out of it, so these are the people who are here to judge your "cool factor" (so to speak). Things are different. I feel judged more frequently by merit than by my looks (which consequently leads me to feel much less uncomfortable with my own body), and I know that in the long run being "popular" doesn't matter as much as how hard I work and how much drive I have to get what I want.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that conceptually, I'm done with it. I'm completely over what "cool" is. I don't have to like what you like, or wear what you wear, or even care about what you care about. It's not worth my time. I guess everyone goes through this phase, but it finally hit me last night that the whole group mentality thing is not what is important. You just have to remain positive and upbeat, you just have to work hard, you just have to do what you perceive to be the right thing to do - otherwise? You're selling yourself short. There is no mold that we all fit into! You cannot force people to like you by doing what they expect of you because there is no way possible that you are being completely true to yourself.

And isn't that more important?
---

Thoughts from Robin. Stress abounds, I feel very blessed to be living the life that I am.

Walking zombie.

So, I will make a single statement about the current state of my life:

Crazy For You (square that because we're about to go into tech next week) + One Acts + School Work + Money + The Most Confusing Boy Alive = Very on edge Robin.

Ah, I can't wait til we open though!
Until then, I will be a little tense.

But I still love you all!

Hi Robin, this is your life. Welcome back!

So here I sit in the theatre lounge on my little baby netbook, Bonaparte. While I am so happy to have him back, I have to admit that I resent the fact that I am not snoozing at this moment. Why oh why oh why is spring break so teasingly short?!

I pretty much have gone right back into the swing of things - which generally means that I'm in over my head ninety seven percent of the time. Luckily, I have my trusty faith and perseverance on my side. Otherwise I'm not sure I'd make it through. Crazy For You enters tech not this coming weekend, but the next, and quite frankly, we have tons of work to do before then. While I firmly believe in this wonderful cast, I know that it's going to be along haul to get to the point where we want to be by then.

Also, I start rehearsing for my one act tomorrow. I won't lie and say I'm not dying of nervousness. A part of me is totally cool about it, but another part is just freaking out on the inside. But I know that the director has to be the best actor in the room and convince everyone that they know exactly what they're doing... so I'll try to do just that. It will be fun, I just have to get over the initial shock of everything.

Also, I'm starting work on my dance extravaganza pieces a little early this year so that I have time to perfect them instead of throwing them together at the last minute. While that's a very good thing, it also stresses me quite a bit!

Here is a good thing though: I had an excellent day in acting class today. While sometimes I get bogged down with the "real life" situations of the mainstage season or my social life I forget about working on my craft, but I really put the work in on my Spoon River piece and it really paid off. Thank goodness! I had been struggling for awhile with particularization, but now I really feel things starting to click.

Ah, welcome back. Maybe I wasn't QUITE ready, but here is my life. Coming at me head on.
C'est la vie!
love.

life is not about finding yourself.

So. I go back to rehearsing tomorrow, and back to school Monday.

Spring Break has been... well it's been wonderful. It's been relaxing, lovely, all of that. It's helped me clear my mind and reorganize my life. However, I feel like more pressing matters are hovering over my head, ala Crazy for You, Asleep on the Wind, etc... So in a way I am happy to get back to school. I'm super nervous about starting rehearsals for my one act, and I'm super glad Brenda is back and Crazy for You is not leaderless anymore!

On that note, I'm very excited about my life right now. Maybe everything won't work out, but I'm hoping for it to.
Oh, life.

the art of going with the flow.

Honestly, as of lately (especially when it comes to romance) I have been trying to master the art of "going with the flow". I tend to be a super controlling person because in all other aspects of my life, honestly, I have to be. If I'm not controlling, I'll totally forget to do something.

However, there is a point where going with the flow can get you in trouble - both socially and emotionally. I really think I'm feeling more social repercussions right now (and honestly I'm fine with that. I have gotten to the point where I really don't care if people approve of me anymore.) but I'm fearing the emotional ones of my actions now. Right now - I'm fine. I'm just worried about tipping over that edge into emotional meltdown...

Luckily, it's spring break. And all the aforementioned boys have left town! As much as I adore both of them, I'm so happy to have this time to just sit back on my couch, clean my apartment, get my homework/show work done, and SLEEP, and hang out with my friends. So I suppose that going with the flow is alright for now.

I have a lot of thinking to do. Whether or not I decide to take action, I guess we'll see.
Because honestly, I will be fine no matter what. Right?

let the sunshine in!

I'm sitting here in my room getting ready to head out to my first callbacks as a big kid director, and I've opened the blinds and the sun is shining in through my window. I put on a floral scarf today, re-cut my bangs yesterday, and I'm just feeling generally very content with my life. Why?

Because I decided to be. Lately I've been doing a lot of praying, meditating, spending time with God and I feel like it has really helped me to accept and love the life I'm living right now. I'm so grateful for the friends that I have, I'm so grateful for the love and light that I have in my heart. I'm so very grateful for my family who have supported me even though I made the choice to enter a field that has so much unemployment. I am very grateful to be living HERE in Columbus on THIS DAY where I can go watch my talented friends act for me, where I can eat thin mints (though I am feeling a little guilty about that... my hips don't need them!) and make up my own recipes for tasty ways to drink my coffee in the morning. I'm grateful for the people who are here to help keep me organized.

I have felt this way since I've been in college but I really want to put this in words: I'm really happy that I live in a place that accepts me for who I am. Maybe it is the weird warp-time bubble of not being a kid and not being an adult, but being surrounded by other people who just want to truly be themselves has helped me grow into a person who wants to be just herself and not one who just wants to be what's popular or what other people conceive to be pretty. I truly feel like I CAN put on whatever I want (let's face it, I wear some strange things sometimes...) or say what I want or act like an idiot or dance on a street corner and actually feel free for once. How incredible is that?

Basically, I am just so lucky to have the life I do. And from now on, I promise to do these things: take a moment to be grateful for the life I have, don't settle for anything just because it seems like what society wants from me, enjoy the moment while I can (it only comes once), play games with my friends, connect more with my sister (because I love her.), stop worrying about how fat I think I am, laugh more, read more books. <3

the race is long - and in the end, it's only with yourself.

seventeen really awesome things.

for a little positivity, I wanted to list a random number (17) of awesome things about my life.

1. when you're actually in shape enough to stretch properly.
2. drinking OJ out of a wine glass.
3. ordering pizza and cinnamon sticks during a two hour break between class and rehearsal.
4. yoga in the morning.
5. sleeping in the same bed with someone else, and waking up late with them.
6. my cat. (enough said.)
7. my mom sending me chocolate for valentine's day.
8. doing my own nails.
9. being done with my directing analysis.
10. the snow.
11. inspiration for my crappy poetry.
12. making good grades in my classes.
13. choreographing for both crazy for you AND the theatre dance 2 class!
14. directing a one act... getting to sit in the director's seat at auditions!!
15. watching grey's with brian.
16. the moment when you finish running and plop down on the couch.
17. living where I live now, with the people who I love, doing what I really love... because hey - if I didn't love theatre, would I be going into a field with 90% unemployment?

love you kids.

things I love.

(because sometimes life is just ordinary, and there isn't much to blog about.)

1. Cosmos. Not to sound like an alcoholic, but they are a wonderful girly mix drink! And just so I don't look like an alchie, I'll include Sex on the Beach on this list within the same number as Cosmos... they are too tasty to have liquor in them. But seeing how I'm learning to make them myself, I now know just HOW MUCH goes into one... hah!
2. Meditation. Enough said.
3. The combination of legwarmers and thigh high socks and boots. Warm!
4. The fact that it is supposed to snow tonight/tomorrow/tomorrow night... in GEORGIA?! Haha, it probably won't, but the entire idea is enchanting!
5. The fact that Hard Candy Cosmetics released a (much cheaper) line for Walmart. While I'm not generally a Walmart enthusiast, I have to admit that buying foundation primer for eight dollars is so much better than saving up to buy it's Smashbox equivalent for twenty four dollars. They all work about the same anyway.
6. Wings. I'm in a phase where pretty much all I want to eat is chicken wings.
7. The other thing I crave pretty much constantly is Mexican food. Who knew?
8. Thai Dragon Fruit Febreze! Smells so good.
9. The PS. I Love You - Spring Fling scent from Bath & Body Works. I might have splurged a tiny bit the other day and got some stuff. No worries though!
10. The game, Fish World, on Facebook. Stop judging me.

<3

;)

cleaning the apartment in your underwear while watching the disney channel?
best way to clean ever.

why I win.

too perfect not to blog about.

Facebook IM from my friend, Melissa.

"oh btw. i'm playing the original oregon trail game and i tried to ford the river and garrett, ansley and corey all drowned

but you stayed alive"

=) It's the little things in life.

MY LIFE IS BIZARRE (6)

episode six: a dialogue.

(while driving in Kristin's car)
ROBIN: I am so full. I can't eat the rest of this cookie. I think I might throw it out the window.
KRISTIN: If you EVER throw a cookie out of my fucking window -
ROBIN: Did you just put the child lock on me?!

fierce with reality.

1. I've started meditating. I'm pretty sure it's good for my soul. At least it helps me to feel very peaceful when I generally don't feel that way at all.
2. I've started writing poetry again, not all of which is sad. It's so much easier to express myself now. I don't want to say "maybe it's the meditation" but maybe it is. Maybe it's the lack of "clutter" of romance in my life. I can't say that I don't have feelings for any one person, because that would just be a lie and a half but I can say that I'm truly content with the way things are right now.
3. I've given up coke. I'm pretty proud of it. (though I do admit that every now and then I get a craving and I buy one. but it's only about three in a week instead of six in a day. drastic change.)
4. I am losing weight. I look in the mirror, and I feel better about myself. This is progress.
5. I'm trying to be cleaner, and it's really helping. I've also started actually purchasing REAL SIMPLE magazine, which is something I've been wanting to do for months. I plan on testing out one of the recipes this week.
6. Crazy for You is going well thus far, I'm tired, my body hurts, I am grateful for this week off of rehearsal. Just to recoup.
7. Taking Garrett (and James) to get their hair cut tomorrow. Interesting how I'm not dreading it or looking forward to it. Just sort of... coasting, I guess.
8. Spoon River made me cry in Meisner today. I have a feeling this will be a continued situation. I love when that happens. (Sort of.) (Except that while it is truthful, it's horribly embarrassing.)
9. I feel like people have been questioning me lately because I haven't sought them out for "hang out time". It's not that I don't want to hang out, I just pretty much dedicate most of my time to A) Working out, B) Rehearsal, C) Class, D) My analysis, or E) Sleeping. I try to fit some other things in, but it's difficult! I swear I'm not angry or upset with anyone. I just need to focus on other things right now than my social life.
10. Life is pretty good, really. This semester is going to shape up to be a busy one, but I foresee wonderful things to come.

“You need to claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all that you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality.”

Florida Scott Maxwell

a changing outlook.

I go through phases of moping and positivity.

However, I really feel like the phase I'm in right now is one of the greatest positive "phases" I've ever felt. It feels so much more permanent too... I don't know if that makes sense. I know that I tend to be flighty with how I feel and my emotions are everywhere, but I really think I found something that puts me in a really good mood and that I really look forward to -

I freaking love working out.
Bizarre, right? For someone who spent most of their life avoiding the treadmill at all costs, I really am a little bit obsessed with running at least two miles a day now. I also really love the Skinny Bitch: Boot Camp and Skinny Bitch: Body DVDs that I got the other day on sale. PERFECT. I love working out with the Follies Girl Workout Club (which I think should be a name of a book... filled with comedic moments and touching stories about each member! I write it, yes?) and I love just feeling in general, better about myself. Maybe I haven't lost any weight (yet) but I really just feel a lot more energy and a more positive flow. I'm really going to try to start getting into meditation as well, because I need a calm, clear mind for the semester ahead of me.

A part of me really wants to join the Y... because I want to take Zumba class, haha. I know that's a little lame but it intrigues me so! I also picked up a set of weights today to use instead of soup cans while I work out.

Another change I'm making (and for the first time experiencing some form of success at..) is trying to cut back on Coca Cola. I KNOW, right?! But here is what I'm doing: I'm saying that if I have one a day, I'll be okay. Then I'm carrying water EVERYWHERE, drinking coffee with non-fat creamer in the mornings, and treating myself instead of to a coke to a Pellegrino! In fact, I have had a total of one coke in the past three days! WAY TO GO ME! =) Progress, right?

I think it's the endorphens, but I really feel a lot happier. I think that one of the best things I've ever done for myself is what I had deemed "My Summer of Self-Improvement". That was the summer when I taught myself to put on a nice outfit each day, and to take the time for the little things that I wanted to do just for myself, and I logged it into my journal each day. So here it is: My Semester of Self Improvement. We'll see how long this goes! I hope until May =)

Self Improvement Activity of the Day: Two mile run, ab section of the Skinny Bitch: Body DVD, Meditation, Delicious low-cal smoothie with Ansley and Melissa =) And onto an at-home mani-pedi!

Time to keep it positive!

back to the grind...

Is it sad that it's only been one full week of classes and I'm already a little bit stressed out?
Probably.

I think sometimes people confuse what I mean when I say I'm stressed though - I very rarely mean it in a bad way. Personally, having things (especially theatrically related things) to do from sun up to midnight brings me a lot of reward. I sometimes complain and I definitely worry a lot, but I really do love what I do here at school.

During the past week, I had several "wrong place wrong time" moments. I'm not sure what's going on with that, but it's starting to ease up. I'm sorry if I've been a wet sock but I feel a light at the end of my (rather short) dark tunnel right now, so I'm hoping my general mental clarity will return ASAP.

So here are some of the things I've got going on right now:

1. One Acts. Hit the ground running! I'm ready to have my final decision made and start my analysis. After reading the outline, I know that I'm going to end up writing a small novel, and I really would like to get started on it, lest I actually start to become really stressed out. I'm excited about the piece that I'm more than likely going to get to do, and I am just in general pumped about the situation.
2. Working out. Crazy For You will be starting soon, which means I really need to be in shape! It's something I've been ignoring for far too long. Luckily, I have some work out buddies who are also in the show who are willing to run with me. Phew! Also, Karen and I are going to look into joining a local gym so we can take classes together. Also a plus of this: bikini season is soon, so I need to have less pudge...
3. I bought a coffee pot! Haha, this seems like a stupid thing to update about, but I really really really love coffee, so the general excitement factor of owning one makes me really happy.

I really wish my appetite would come back though. Not because I want to eat, but because I don't want people to worry about me not eating...

presentation of the evidence.

I am really weird. Here are some of the things that I think really support this theory:

1. I am really grossed out by wet paper. Like, not like I think it's moderately gross and just don't like it. It rules the way I behave at restaurants because it literally can drive me to the point of throwing up. This is weird. Just admit it.
2. As a child, I used to cry every time anyone would bring attention to the idea of kudzu. If you don't know, kudzu is the plant that was introduced to the South that grows on and suffocates trees until they die. Clearly I was a hippie child.
3. There are many textures that bother me. Not just in foods, but even seeing them or touching them freaks me out: whipped cream, silly putty, anything of that nature.
4. I'm literally terrified of the Muppet's Christmas Carol. Please do not judge me for this, it has to do with my family torturing me as a child.
5. I used to be scared of sponges. As a child, I once screamed and cried on one side of the garage because I saw one. They still kind of freak me out, texture wise. But this is one of my many bizarre fears that I'm over.
6. I twitch. Enough said.

Haha. I am sure that there is a lot more to this list, but these are the things that have come up recently. I really think I need to stop letting my fear of random ass objects rule my life...
or just accept it as eccentricity.

Love always.
and remember: "In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be DIFFERENT."

a slice of life.

I'm thinking in lists a lot lately, so here is another one. Things that I am really into in life right now.

1. Air drying my hair. I really think it's a good idea, considering that I can't get it cut until mid-April! As happy as I am to be in a show, I can survive this one inconvenience of having crappy looking hair. But until then, I'm gonna try to heat style it a lot less, so the ends don't fry off!
2. Audio books. I don't know about you guys, but I did a LOT of driving over the break. From Columbus to Athens, Athens to Augusta, Augusta to Greenville, etc! Luckily, I purchased the audio books of the entire Chronicles of Narnia for my mother for Christmas and she put them on my zune! It's a really great way to pass time while driving alone for long periods of time.
3. The natural look. I really stopped wearing a lot of colorful makeup over the break. Mostly because I didn't bring much of it in an attempt to "pack light". It's funny, because growing up I always hated my face. I had acne, a big nose, etc. But over the past few years, I've come to really like my unique features. (It also helps that my skin has cleared a lot.) So mostly lately I've just been rocking a really natural "I wake up glowing" (as Paige would say) make up look - foundation mixed with moisturizer, a little bit of blush and bronzer, MAYBE some liner and then mascara and lip balm. For evenings out, of course I turn it up a little, but for now I really like the way this is working out.
4. The Tudors. Addicting.
5. Morning routines. I will just say this: There is no better way to wake up than to have a nice morning stretch, some protein (I LOVE HARD BOILED EGGS! 88 Calories each, and you're not hungry for hours! What's better than that? Carb-filled breakfasts leave you hungry around 11!), a little relaxation and a nice shower. As much as I (like all college students) love to sleep, I think it's worthwhile to wake up two hours in advance (as opposed to fifteen minutes!) so that I have time to really wake up my body. I started doing this for the second half of this past semester and it really worked wonders on how much energy I had in my morning classes - not falling asleep and feeling like I was already in the middle section of my day has really helped me pay better attention!
6. Cooking! Haha, this is a given, because I've always loved cooking. But my dad got me the Betty Crocker Cookbook for Christmas, and one of my resolutions was to cook at least three times a week this semester (in order to save money, make healthier choices, etc.) and so far, so good. But school hasn't started yet, haha. I made pad thai for myself and some chili this week! Both were delicious, and I'm pretty proud that I'm learning to make things other than jambalaya and bell peppers over noodles.
7. Being generally excited about this semester. I feel like this is the semester for everything to really come together. I'm very content being single (for now), I have some of the greatest friends, and I'm working on stuff I really want to be working on (no fluffy classes that I hate!). I'm ready to really dive into the work that I have and spend time with the people here who I love.

So that's about it. Convocation on Friday! Class on Monday! Ah, such is life.
Love always.
and remember: "Happiness is the secret to all beauty. There is no beauty that is attractive without happiness."

a list of random thoughts.

My grandfather and I are now facebook friends.
I really wish I had time for a real job.
Cutting plays makes me want to hurt myself. Taking any part away from the playwright seems like a sin.
I'm not ready to be stressed out again, but I'm welcoming the distraction.
Crazy for You is going to be lots of fun. But very tiring.
I find it hard to breathe when he is in the room. Baby steps, I just keep telling myself that. Baby steps.
I adore India Winslow and stress-free hang outs with her.
I really want a coffee pot. I never knew you could set them so they would make your coffee right before you got up! INCREDIBLE.
I'm sickeningly addicted to watching The Tudors.
I wish my sewing skills were better.
Last night, a beer fell out of my fridge onto my toe. Being the logical person that I am, I took this as a sign from God that I should drink what I saved from falling on the floor.
There is a really big zit on my cheek. It is in the spot I always wished I had a beauty mark. Irony? I think so.
Audio books = addicting.
Even though I heard it was no good, I still want to see the movie of The Lovely Bones, just because I loved the book so much.
I am realizing just how shy I still really am.
One of my two best friends, Laura, is moving to Columbus TODAY. Not only that but she is moving in with one of my favorite people - Paige! How perfect could that be?
Being friends with Brian again makes me happy. It's nice.
I'm really sad about a lot of the people graduating this semester.
I'm very content with my life right now. Being antisocial, single, and lazy has probably been the best thing for me.

I'm off to meet Laura's parents at her new apartment, since I have the key.
Love!

so this is the new year?

Let me start with this: I wish you all a glorious 2010. I like to think that the world gets better the older I get, so I am thinking my year of being twenty one will be better than my year of being twenty. Just like being twenty was better than being nineteen.

I guess it's typical to make some resolutions. So these are mine. I'm not going to say I'm going to lose weight... because that's probably not true. And the fact is, while I may not be a size 2 or weigh 110 pounds (size eight, one hundred and thirty seven thanks!), I am not unhealthy, and I don't have huge self esteem issues about it, so why waste the time feeling like shit about myself? Door closed.

But on the other hand, I'm resolved to start doing things to help out my respiratory health. In all honesty, I could be better about running/etc so that's my unrealistic (because I'll abandon it mid january when Crazy for You starts!) New Years resolution.

Next: I am not going to hook up with anyone. Sound stupid? Sound lame? It's something I've been wanting to eradicate from my life for a long time. So I'm just going to stop. It's less of a resolution and more of a lifestyle change, but that's it.

This has been my outlook for about a month and a half now but here it is: FOCUS ON SCHOOL. Never in my life have I put so much focus on dating than in the past year. Between all the stupidity, my grades have slipped in the past two semesters and I've made many more B's than I probably should have. I really need to put my thinking cap back on and realize that hopefully I will be MOVING far away (Hopefully to Chicago) in less than two years, so why should I start a serious relationship now? I don't know. I'm not saying that if the right guy comes along I'll ignore his presence, I'm only stating that I am no longer going to rely on men for my source of happiness - mostly because I find that I'm overall much more miserable when I'm not single than when I am.

More simple things: Cook three times a week, learn more about sewing, eat out for lunch WAY less, and destroy EJ Cameron.

That's all for now, folks.

Don't get me wrong, 2009 was great. And I love everyone who made it so interesting for me - but I am just ready for a fresh, more professional, more put together start to my life. Less whining, less complaining, less crying.

Let's get on that, okay? Haha.
Back to Columbus later today!