the caterpillar.

So while waiting to check out at Barnes and Noble today, I aimlessly glanced towards a tower that was covered in "inspirational" magnets. Being a total sap and as always, one for quotations, I read over them while waiting, most of which I had seen before.

However, my eyes landed on one I hadn't. It was an anonymous quotation that went something like this: "and just when the caterpillar thought the world was over - it became a butterfly."

And while I usually dismiss these quotations for general fluff that describes giant life ideals, I found myself really relating to this little magnet.

I have always thought it was the end of the world.

I remember when I was fifteen and I found out Jason was gay - the world was over. But no - it wasn't. I just kept going and life kept going on. And when I would never make senior company jazz - the world was OVER, for sure this time. But it wasn't. And I still love dancing as much as I ever did. And when I was eighteen, and I felt the sting of a real heartbreak and a real hurt for the first time, I cried on the floor in my childhood home and the world had to have ended in that moment several different times - but it didn't. And when I was twenty and I didn't want to get out of bed, because I didn't want to live in the world without him - the world must have ended. And when I realized that I had lost one of my best friends - that must have been the end.

But it wasn't. Ironically, I am single. I am what other people would call "alone" in this world - but I am strangely more happy than I have ever been. Maybe it's the magic of being home. Maybe I'm just finally finding my own footing, maybe I won't be "damaged goods" anymore. Who knows?

But really - who cares? I'm happy.

So I am the caterpillar. And maybe I don't have a boyfriend. And maybe I've put on a few pounds in the last two weeks. And maybe I am always broke. And maybe I'm stressed - but I'm so very happy with my friends, my craft, my work, and everything that I love in life.

that oh shit - I think I'm the butterfly.
---

love.

taking it easy.

Things I have done in the past few weeks that have amazed me:
I have watched MANY movies, including going to the theatre to see three of them! (Sherlock Holmes, Did you Hear about the Morgans?, and Nine!)
I have sewn myself an apron, just for kicks.
I have slept, a lot.
I have bought beers at bars, and just enjoyed them.
I learned to cook pad thai.
I saw someone from home who I have severely missed, but I realize now that that chapter of my life is closed. (feel free to imagine sappy sad music playing here.)

Things I haven't done that I need to:
Cut one acts.
Work out.
Read Spoon River Anthology.

Basically everything I need to do. Haha. But it's really been an excellent break, thus far. I have such mixed feelings about going back to school. On the one hand, I can't wait to get my hands back to working on a show, but at the same time I really like the feeling I get from relaxing. Oh well, life goes on!

Also I realized how lame it sounds when people ask me what I like to do outside of theatre and I have to answer with "I like to cook and bake, I love to read, and I've just started sewing recently." Haha. Oh well!

Life is good.

merry and bright. (or, a look at christmas 2009)

First off, let me start by saying just this: Happy Christmas! Which has bizarrely become my default way of wishing joy to others on the holiday!

I have always loved Christmas. It's a time that always reminds me of dark skies with sparkling stars, the warm glow of church at midnight, beautiful brass quartets, delicious food, warm firesides, snow (not that we ever have any...), twinkle lights, and glitter! In all honesty, it's pretty much all my favorite things combined, plus time off from school and being so stressed out....

On that note, I have to say this: This Christmas has been lovely. Just perfectly lovely.

=)

And I hope yours has been too.

Ps. I really wish that Narnia was a real place. I'm not even kidding.

I can't be bothered now!

Life is grand right now.

It's break, for one thing. The idea of the semester being over is finally settling in. It's so nice to just RELAX and not have to worry about any sort of class-like thing (aside from Directing 2, and finding time to read Spoon River Anthology...) on a pressing basis is SO NICE. I don't have to wake up at any given point in time, or worry about making it to class, etc. I'm also really looking forward to next semester. I think the classes I'm taking seem particularly stimulating - which is always nice. Also, I'm pretty pumped about Crazy For You. I've been saying that forever,but truthfully, it'll be nice to have a role that really showcases me for what I feel are my strong points. That sounds conceited, but it's a comedic dancing role - come on! So that's pretty exciting. Plus I'm pretty pumped to be working on something that I feel so strongly about - musical theatre is definitely one of my favorite things... ever.

So there's that. But also I'm visiting my best friend, Anna, in Athens, GA. We've been pretty much PERFECTLY lazy and I'm remembering how to be not-so-social and just relax and enjoy a marathon of a box DVD set. Perfect. Or a good documentary. Back to my nerdy roots!

And then - Laura is transferring to Columbus State next semester! HOORAH! I'm really happy because I want her close to me, being that she's my other best friend. That's just another good thing in my life.

Also, going home is potentially very exciting. I love seeing my family, and I love spending time with them. In all reality, I really don't hate Greenville either. I used to really resent the entire idea of my family living anywhere other than Augusta, but I'm very grateful to still have them all together where I can visit fairly easily, though the drive IS a bitch.

In general, I've come to a very good point of view on single-ness. It's not crippling or disabling, it's just... being single. I've not met anyone who has made me go ga-ga in a long time. But in reality, I'm a catch. That sounds conceited, but I am a nice, normal, pretty girl who cooks well and is generally interested in the world. I mean, I do have my flaws but everyone deserves a chance to be happy. But that's just the point of a relationship - to be HAPPY. Not to settle - so that's my current (not new, not saying I'm going to stick to it...) philosophy - make myself happy. Don't settle. Just do what makes me joyful. I might miss snuggling, but I'm sure I can find a gay guy friend to fulfill those duties. =) Faghag? Maybe. Miserable? No.

Also, I've been handmaking almost all of my Christmas gifts this year. I love it. It's so nice to know that actual thought has really gone into what I've made - and I love them! In fact, I was so obsessed with the apron I made for Anna that I almost kept it! And she hand-knitted me the most beautiful creamy white scarf! Perfect!

Ahhh, to be happy is to love the world.
And so life goes.

I've started watching The Tudors. I feel like it's a joygasm of costuming.

monday, monday...

Good day today:

Slept in really late.
Got up, did my laundry and caught up on BBC's Merlin.
It rained, so I put my pj's back on.
Worked on handmade Christmas gifts while watching all of the following movies: A Christmas Carol: The Musical, Spiderman, and Spiderman 2.

First Monday Off: Win.

if only in my dreams <3

oh, it's the holiday season!

I feel like I haven't updated in awhile - so here's a few thoughts:

1. It's the Christmas season - MY FAVORITE. In all reality, I always view Christmas as this magical sparkling time of the year where people are nicer, the songs are prettier, and you can eat as many baked goods as you like as long as they have red and green sprinkles on them... perfect.
2. I am missing him so very much right now. A part of me wants to beat myself up for ruining our friendship, but the other part of me regrets nothing. I have no idea how to feel around him - because in all rights, it's better this way. But at the same time, I hate the idea of him with anyone else, and I hate that I miss him so much. It drives me to make snide comments to him, which I hate even more about myself. In general, I just want to fast forward to that part where I don't have any more feelings for him.
3. I'm twenty one now! Hooray! Life has been bizarre since then - going in and out of bars, etc. Strange!
4. I feel that one of the people who I thought was one of my really good friends has betrayed me by spreading really cruel lies about me. I'm not sure how to confront them though, because I have no proof that it was them, just my intuition. My plan - turn the other cheek. I'm pretty sure that's what the powers that be would want me to do, so it's what I'm planning on.
5. I can't wait to be home with my family for the holiday. It's weird, but I really need to feel that safety for awhile. While I adore my friends here, I'm starting to feel the seismic pressure of our social circle crumbling. So I'm just ready to free myself.
6. The Lovely Bones is an amazing book. Read it.
7. The Potluck was really fun, but I really miss my traditional Christmas Party. But on the other hand, stuffing! MMM.

In general, life is good. Sometimes little things nag at me, but I love the work I'm doing here and I love that I'm really starting to believe in myself lately. My main focus from now on is going to be this: THEATRE and ART. And I'm going to (forgive the reference) hold out for a hero. I'm tired of trying to make things work with people who aren't right for me. I'm tired of ruining friendships, so until someone comes along who changes my mind - it's me and my art.
Well, that's my healthy mentality for now.
Love!
Happy Christmas!

a fox trot above my head - a sock hop beneath my bed!

Today was a really good day (thus far). I'm pretty sure it's worth documenting, however un-extraordinary it may seem.

This morning, I woke up early and Cory was still here from where he spent the night on my pull-out bed last night. =) It's always nice to wake up to friends. I made myself some fried eggs (which were tasty) and my first human contact was Brittain appearing in the space between our bar and grumbling some incoherent early morning syllable that made me chuckle (something along the lines of "ernh!"). I love it when I wake up early, fairly well rested and get a good breakfast!

Then I went to Crazy For You dance rehearsals. They were really fun, and I got a nice little built in work out! Plus, the boys were there so we got to do lifts the entire last hour =) fun!

The next part of my day consisted of picking up India who bought me a coffee at the market, going to the grocery store to get baking ingredients, then to Burger King for lunch - then we came home and ate and baked most of the day! We made: fudge, oreo truffles, red velvet truffles, and we WERE going to make brownies and cookies but we got distracted... And Melissa (SA!) came over!

When Brittain thought we could get a free cat. Which we couldn't, but it resulted in a trip to PetSmart! Where even though there was no free cat, we got to see some cute animals. Even though Cody the dog made us sad. I wanted to love on him so bad!

Then India made Sims of us all in The Sims 3 =) Joy of joys.

I just feel like good days should be documented.

Tonight is my twenty first birthday. Hoorah! I look forward to ordering a drink tonight at TGI Fridays surrounded by my friends =)

Life is good.
(and bizarre, though I have no strange remarks to share after the toothbrush comment.)

I AM BIZARRE (2): Toothbrush

I Am Bizarre, Episode Two: Toothbrush

"Cory is just like a toothbrush. No really, I think you could just brush your teeth with his hair."

Why do I say these things?!

MY LIFE IS BIZARRE (5)

episode five.

When driving up to my parents' condo in North Carolina this week, I noticed a flag hanging outside of one of the windows. My brain said "Dear God, no."
My family, instead of being like all NORMAL American families, has decided to forgo the traditional American or Seasonal flag and opt for something much more... ethnic.
We fly the Irish flag.

Not only that, but there are framed pictures of Ireland, empty Jameson bottles, and so much Irish insignia around our new house and it just scared me a little bit.

My life is bizarre.

the scapegoat (or just another example of how weird I am)

Every time I tell someone that I'm going to visit my parents in North Carolina, they usually have something to tell me about the state - such as "Oh North Carolina is so beautiful!" or "Oh, I have an uncle in North Carolina."

I realized something as the 757 descended onto the row of plastic-looking perfect North Carolinian houses - I resent the state of North Carolina. I take out all my general frustration with the idea of my family moving from my childhood home on the entire state of North Carolina - I don't like North Carolina houses (they all look the same!), I don't like North Carolina drivers (they are worse than the ones in Columbus!), etc, etc, blah blah blah.

Okay, so here's my goal: STOP BLAMING THE ENTIRE STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA FOR ALL OF MY TROUBLES.
(even if it is inferior to the state of Georgia.)

I'm in North Carolina for Thanksgiving. Happy to be out of Columbus, secretly wishing it was Augusta, actually not totally hating my parents' new condo.
Bizarrely okay with the situation.

I will say this for North Carolina, they do have a really good Mexican restaurant for my parents to frequent.

I AM BIZARRE. (episode one.)

(not that this is the first bizarre thing that I've ever done, but I felt that along with my series, "My Life is Bizarre", I should include the fact that I am bizarre, and some awesome moments of me being... well, bizarre.)

"If there were epic battles, like in Middle Earth, I think there would be one between me and cling wrap."

(only half of a joke.)

I'm going on strike from dating.

No, it really is just too stressful for me right now, warps my (and everyone else's, for that matter) priorities, and makes me moderately miserable.

So until something nice comes along and happens easily, it's bye-bye trying to hard and hello hard-hitting the books. Because if he really comes along, it will all work out without the stress and miserability.

Luckily, I have my real passion in my life to keep me going. I am loving my theatre classes, despite how miserable my social life is right now. So life is good.

And Christmas is soon, so things are looking up.

ps. I'm not actually striking from dating. but it would be nice if I could turn off my emotions for once.

pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.

so it's been a hard week this week.
so I still have myself, my friends, my family, my passion, and God.
I have the support of not just my friends but even the faculty of CSU.
I have a wonderful, caring family.
Just because James and I didn't work out as a couple doesn't mean I have to lose him as my friend.
I'm actually pretty much a badass.

Life will be okay. I just need to be sad a little while longer.
I miss you, so come home soon.

MY LIFE IS BIZARRE (4)

My Life is Bizarre (Episode 4)

Yesterday in acting class, my partner Chase sat on a chair on top of a desk while I played with a large pink bouncy ball (a la the ones at walmart in those giant bins!) and we read a scene.

My life is so bizarre.

random thoughts in no particular order.

I'm feeling really worn down right now.
I hate the way that people try to fit other people into a cookie cutter mold of what they think they should be. I'm afraid I've been guilty of that for the past few days. (our relationship/whatever is not cookie cutter perfect. it never will be. I'm okay with that - and everyone else can suck it.)
I love directing but it stresses me out.
I wish the world wasn't run by money.
My sense of fashion changes on a weekly basis.
My hair is getting long.
I've been drinking the crazy juice lately. I need to stop that.
I got cast as Tess in Crazy For You! SO EXCITING.
I love fried chicken.
It would be great if I could lose weight.
I am stressed about getting a one act chosen.
I love you kids.
That is all.

MY LIFE IS BIZARRE (3)

My Life is Bizarre: Episode 3

So James arrives in the computer lab today where I am working on my directing analysis. After a few minutes, he decides to hijack my computer and update my facebook status to say: "is a loser". I think nothing of it until later when I receive a text from my mom that says, "are you okay?" to which I reply "yeah. why wouldn't I be?" and she says "your facebook status says you're a loser." So I call her and tell her why it says that, and she proceeds to tell me that because they both have facebooks now and saw it, she and my father were worried about me.

My life is so bizarre.

the spectrum's a to z.

my life is good. I feel like I'm walking around in this little bubble that no one really gets (not even me). things are going well. I feel happier than I have in a long time.

and I guess from the outside, my world looks pretty much the same.
but trust me, it's a lot better.

MY LIFE IS BIZARRE (2)

MY LIFE IS BIZARRE: Episode 2

So I am sitting around listening to Taking Back Sunday when there is a knock at the door. Once again, it is two young guys selling magazines for charity. Of course, I discourage them (having learned my lesson from the last time) and tell them that I'd rather not. I insinuate that I have a boyfriend, and I let them go. As soon as I close the door, the paper thin walls of my apartment building allow me to hear one resounding statement from the salesboy's mouth: "DUDE! She was so hot!"

Janine and I proceed to die with laughter.

the end.

MY LIFE IS BIZZARE (1)/A Quick Update

(episode one)

Last night, my roommate's boyfriend, Josh, came into my room wrapped in her quilt. He proceeded to eerily stand in my doorway like a zombie. A few moments later, my roommate tried to drag him away by the quilt, which revealed that he was in his underwear.

My life is bizarre.

----

My life is pretty good right. I love the new MIKA album (get it.)
I had a good day in acting yesterday.
I love Directing class.
Yeah, I like my life.

=) (even if it is bizarre. more episodes to come.)

questions.

it's really weird how awkward dancing and horrible singing from strangers (and, of course, wonderful singing from my wonderful friends) can make a perfectly sad night end perfectly happily.

karaoke at the sports page. how I have missed you lately.

here is your dose of sad Robin poetry for the day. Don't judge me. I was in a bad mood earlier.
---
"questions" (or, a letter to god.)

I have about fifteen hundred questions to ask you.
like
are you really there?
were you watching me cry then too?
and how hard is too hard?
and how much is too much?
and when the night will finally end?
and why the sky is blue -
but I just keep hearing my own voice echoing.
(and are you really there?)

I spend my hours recounting tales from when I was so very young.
unique and special
different and creative
my parents were so proud.
(were you watching me cry then too?)

I feel stupid when I cry.
(and how hard is too hard?)

and nights when I lay in his arms
shaking from something I can't put my finger on -
fear, anger, disgust, (love?)
I forget about you.
(how much is too much?)

but nights when I'm all alone
and no other mice crawl on my walls
I hear your whispering
just so quiet that I can barely hear -
(when will the night finally end?)

so I keep walking down the streets
the hot air sticking to my skin through my clothes
and the freedom of summer fading slowly
the faces of buildings, signs, people
all begin to fade into one gigantic mass of gray
and I wonder to myself quietly
(why the sky is blue?)

answers?

----

GTC invades. I'm tired.
Sometimes I let that get to me.
I love you.

if only in my dreams.

I want it to be Christmas more than anything.

I think it's because Christmas is my favorite time of year. Haha, actually I know that's why. I just love the whole season. I love the food. I love eating turkey and dressing and apple pies and I love going to Cracker Barrel and seeing the sparkly Christmas trees at the mall. I love twinkle lights and I love parties with pretty jazz music playing in the background. I love Secret Santa and I love Christmas specials on television (my favorite is of course the Charlie Brown Christmas =)) I love old Bing Crosby movies and baking eight million different confectionary treats. I love Christmas carrolling. I love Christmas date night with Chase. I love midnight mass. I love the way it feels when you wake up with your family and you just KNOW that it's Christmas. I love Christmas. In general.

I just need for it to be Christmas, and soon.
But I guess I'll get through the Halloween party season before I start preemtively celebrating before I get stressed for finals.

=)

the new underground.

(title totally is just the name of the song stuck in my head... really has nothing to do with this blog.)

So life is excellent. The other day, a friend asked me how I was doing, and due to the fact that I've been reading way too much Wendy Wasserstein lately, I responded with "scholastically fulfilled, emotionally numb." To which they responded with, "what's wrong?" and I eventually had to explain that feeling numb and emotionless was pretty much all I could do at the moment, due to the fact that I am SO INTO MY DIRECTING CLASS RIGHT NOW. Okay, I know its the first scene and it hasn't even gone up yet, but I'm a little obsessed with it. A) I made a perfect score on my first ever directing analysis. B) I actually in a strange way LIKED doing the directing analysis... which turned out to be 27 pages long. Geez!! C) I really enjoy rehearsing the scene, and I think I'm doing a decent job of communicating with my actors. D) I'm genuinely EXCITED to put it up in front of the class. Nervous/excited, but excited nonetheless.

At first I thought I was being totally weird for finding such fulfillment from something like SCHOOL... but then I realized - isn't that supposed to be what I'm doing here? Am I not supposed to be taking the classes I actually want to take and learning things I want to learn?

Not that I don't love all my other theatre classes, but I'm just weirdly obsessed with directing at this moment.

Other things that are good in my life:

My friends are wonderful. I realized that even the ones that things have been rocky with during this year have led me to a place where I can be pretty happy.

I'm pretty comfortably single right now. I'm not all desperate and weepy and that's nice.

Halloween is coming up and I'm pretty excited. =)

Okay, I got burnt out on writing this blog, but life is good. I'm genuinely happy, and I'm grateful for that.

ode to my directing analysis.

oh directing analysis oh directing analysis
I miss when I used to smile(ysis.)
oh directing analysis.

please give me back my life. (or at least an A)
Love, Robin.

strange new habits.

here's a weird habit I've picked up lately:

I'm a generally happy person, anyone will tell you that. I mean, hell, I actually was dumped for being "too happy". But in general, I like to think that it's a good quality of mine. I tend to look on the bright side of things, I work hard, and I make things work.

I think it's being alone that's hard though. Because this is the most bizarre thing. Twice, literally twice, in the past week, I have started crying in the middle of a store when I was doing my compulsory shopping. What is going on with me?

I guess I know what's wrong. I'm just scared to admit it.

Really, everything is fine. I think my life sounds totally depressing if you just read my blog... but in reality my life is awesome. I'm stressed, but I'm doing pretty great. I just bury my emotions and sometimes have to get them out via blog.

did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

something to smile about!

I have had two really good days the past two days.
I think it's rare that they happen in a row so it's totally worth documenting.

=)
Nothing special, really. Just two days of being happy with the life I have. Two days of working hard and seeing results. Two days of free ice cream, coloring books, cheap expensive food, strange rehearsing, and cutting loose. Thank you, ye gods out there. I really needed it.

"happiness is the secret to all beauty - there is no beauty that is attractive without happiness." - christian dior.

what a beautiful mess this is.

I just realized I hadn't blogged in awhile. I'm not sure how I feel lately, I guess that's why. Things are emotionally weirdly difficult for me. I feel like I'm losing and gaining people, and I feel like I'm changing so much. The delicate balance that had been holding my life together on the hinge of a secret completely collapsed a few weeks ago. And now I'm sort of left standing in what's leftover from that. And I'm not really sure what that really is. It's hard to look yourself in the mirror and face all the problems that you would much rather ignore, but sometimes it's completely necessary. I don't think I'm being melodramatic by saying all of this either, I think it's just true. I can always cite when my life is sort of falling apart by the state which I keep my living area, and my apartment has been (for lack of better phrasing) an absolute disaster zone for the past few weeks. I've been sleeping before midnight, sort of just throwing on clothes without much thought, and I've been going through the motions just so I don't have to take the time to face down all of the stupid thoughts that haunt me while I'm trying to get to sleep (thank you advil PM.)

Usually I can put myself together by boiling my problems down to one thing too. "Oh it's because of this... blah blah blah" but really? I think that right now what's bothering me is far more complicated than it's ever been before.

I'm heartbroken. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm terrified of the future. I'm so very regretful.

And yet, everything is fine. I think it's incredible the way life has the ability to destroy you on a weekly basis completely and yet put you back together stitch by stitch. Sure, things blow completely. Sure, you've lost one of your favorite friendships. Sure, you fucked it up. But you know what? Life is FINE. And it goes on. And things change. And you'll be okay.

God. If I had known what life would be like right now last March? I seriously would not have believed myself. That's the incredible way of the world. You'd never guess what you'd really do. You'd never guess where you'd really go and who you'd really love. You'd never know. At all.

So maybe I'm heartbroken. But I'm independent too. And maybe I'm scared. But I really don't have much of a choice. Maybe I'm nervous! So what? I'm great. And maybe I'm terrified of the future - it will come anyway. And I will be fine. But being regretful? I have no idea.

Things are really fine. As per usual.

look into your heart and you'll find love.

Here are the most positive things I can come up with to say about the past week or so:

• The help you really need will come from the most unexpected places.
• You can't always get what you want.
• But in turn, what you want isn't always the right thing for you.
• And in that vein, the love you want isn't always the love you deserve.
• You really can't be sad while listening to any of these songs: "The Longest Time" by Billy Joel, "Send me on My Way" by Rusted Root, and "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz.

So I can't really say what's wrong online. It's a little too personal. Most of my life that I thought I wanted has gone down in flames, but I think I might actually be okay. So that's a step, I suppose.

so much better.

I don't deserve to be treated like shit.

I know this is a chant that everyone recites to themselves when they're allowing themselves to be treated like shit. I KNOW THAT.

But really, genuinely. I deserve better. I came to this conclusion earlier when I went over to see my sister. She literally sat on her bed and told me that she OFTEN thinks about how much she hates how much shit happens to me with men (or something of that nature) and cried about it.

I couldn't handle it. It's like, hearing it from someone else made me feel like it wasn't a self-absorbed complaint. It wasn't just me blowing problems out of perspective and imagining that I am somehow not at fault. I really don't deserve half the shit I get.

I am a nice, pretty, genuinely sweet and caring person. Most of the people who don't like me don't like me for petty and professional reasons (and i don't mean to sound pretentious, but seriously? jealousy is no reason to give up a friendship. ever. you were probably never really friends with that person to begin with and it's probably good you're not a part of their lives anymore.)

And I think I just need someone to tell me to stop letting people shit on me before I realized that they were even doing it. Seriously?

I don't fucking deserve this. And anyone who treats me like that is just a big fucking pimple on the face of my awesome life. (thank you Laura.)

And I'm seriously ready to take some risks because in the end? I deserve better. I will have better.

And not in a cheesy- cliche- chick lit way.
In a real way.

slow dancing in a burning room.

Fighting back anger last night because I essentially stayed up late to be completely ditched for whatever reason, I realized some things about myself.

1. I'm really impressionable. Must not give into demands of people, no matter how cute or charismatic they are.
2. I'm probably in over my head with my schoolwork this semester. Must stay on top of things.
3. I can run on about two hours of sleep. That doesn't mean I should.
4. I miss hanging out with Caleb. A lot. Probably more than I reasonably should. He was my best friend in Germany and I just miss talking to him.

I'm really worried about my friend Scott. In reality, I've been having a really emotional weekend but I honestly have no idea what I would do if something happened to him. I wish I could be visiting him today with everyone else, but I can't be. =(

wake up, it's morning.

well, a little past 12 in the morning. but metaphorically.

Things are better than they have been in a long time.

Here are things I'm happy about:

• Footloose! is pretty fun, so that's gravy. I'm meeting new people, making new connections, etc.
  
• losing weight
• finally being happy being single.
• Rediscovering my passion for theatre. I'd been so caught up in my weird personal life that I almost forgot what I really loved.
• NO SHAME writing meetings really bring me a lot of creative juices that I never thought I would get flowing!
  
• dancing all the time =) endorphins make you happy!

Yeah, I don't have much to say. Life is back to the grind, but I'm pretty happy. I feel like I just came out from underneath this pile of sand and I'm suddenly awake and now art, and writing, and music, and theatre, and dance all seem new and beautiful again.

It's really very great.

the joy and the fear.

I hate the stress of checking my email.

I'm not kidding - it literally makes my heart skip a little bit and I get a little sweaty just waiting for my stupid colstate.edu email to load. I think it's some subconscious belief that I'll receive some email that will inform me that everything I'm doing is all in vain. That I won't graduate on time, that I'm failing a class, that I owe them money, that they're kicking me out of school, YOU NAME IT. I have imagined it while waiting for my email to load. I'm not sure where that belief stems from, but I literally feel like that every time I check my email. Every. Time. (even in the summer when I know I won't be receiving anything!)

And thus starts a new academic year at CSU for me. It's funny, because in the past two years that I've been here in Columbus studying theatre, I've felt virtually the same. I look the same (Short red hair. Somewhere between 130 and 150 pounds. Huge boobs. Blue eyes. Big nose. Fun fashion.), I'm doing the same things, I'm pining after the same things, I'm just... the same. But you know what's weird? I feel really different this year.

I've been trying to take the past week or so to do some self-evaluation. This summer has been one of a lot of new experiences for me (not all of which have to do with being abroad.) I feel like I am just a richer person for going to Germany, for being friends with the people I'm friends with, for FINALLY finding forgiveness, for learning to be myself alone.

Getting to the point: I have totally different goals now. Other times I've always been hoping to meet someone who will sweep me off my feet, and hey - I've been swept! And then dropped. And honestly? I don't need it now! I don't need heartache - this is my time to shine! This is my time to dedicate to my art, this is my time to learn as much as I can. (Mind you, this is a conclusion I came to earlier today. I may get needy when that time of the month rolls around again!) I'm ready to just keep working on things.

And I am really excited about directing class specifically. I think it'll be something fresh and new for me to look at in theatre, and while I KNOW it's going to be a ton of work, I think I am ready for it!

Even though checking my email will still stress me out.

the story of my life. (or, moving on.)

I didn't want to see him yesterday. I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy for him, to explain how badly I wanted to be friends with him, I didn't want that. I just wanted to continue living my life without seeing him ever.

But I had to see him. And I did. And I gave him my fake schpiel about how happy I was "blah blah blah" and he managed to insult me within three minutes of seeing him (unintentionally of course, he's a sweet guy underneath it all.) and managed to assume that anything I wanted to talk to him about was about his new relationship (which it really wasn't. I really wanted to talk about the future of OUR friendship and if there even was one.)

And I came to this conclusion - it's not going to change. He's not going to wake up one day and care about me as much as I cared about him.

And then I came to the next conclusion - I don't care about him as much as I used to. (this is the big one.) It's not that I don't want him to be happy, I just don't think that as a part of my life I need to be yearning for his approval anymore.

So yeah. I care about him, and he is my friend. But we're never going to be best friends. It will always be a little bit tainted with how he broke my heart and made me feel as though I wasn't good enough. And that's fine. I don't resent him, I don't want anything bad for him. I just know that I can move on with my life.

Finally.

I was down and I did not understand
Was afraid couldn't wash it off my hands
So I rose and I flew right from that place
Got my wish that I'll never be the same
Then I was alone
- Guster's "I'm Through"

----

Thus starts a new year. A new time, I suppose. I'm different. I'm happy again. Maybe I'm starting out the year as the only single girl in my apartment, maybe I'm feeling a little blue because I can never seem to keep a man interested very long. But you know what? That's FINE. I'm fine.

Because honestly? I would rather be alone than be the basketcase I was last semester. Truthfully, I was a total wreck. And I never want to spend another morning waking up in tears because I don't want to get out of bed or get dressed. I WANT to be happy. I want to choose what I do and who I hang out with.

And who knows? Someone might come along. Someone might stand up to the plate. But if they don't? I'll be fine. There are lots of really cool, happy, single people in the world.

And plus, hot sex with random strangers is still an option.... JUST KIDDING.

These are the thoughts on my mind, but only considering romance. Obviously there is other stuff going on as well.

Love you kids.

and the living is easy. (or, a retrospective look at my summer.)

So I think I can count this as one of the best summers of my life. Really - while not everything may have been perfect, I have really had an awesome time. Just a quick review of all the wonderful things I've done/learned:

• Fly Over Land! I can barely even feel like that was this summer. It just seems like ages ago now... it was a good experience. Very different, to say the least! But I loved everyone I was working with, so all is well in that department. Understudying is never as rewarding as actually having the part, but I did get to dance so that was excellent! =)
• I moved into my new apartment! I have bills and things now... that's different. It's a weird "growing up" thing that I never thought would actually happen, but it has. It's strange.
• I went to Saint Augustine with Anna! While that may not be the most "productive" or "life-changing" part of my summer, it was really very fun. I am really not very good at just relaxing and hanging out or vacationing at all, so it was good for me I think. Plus, I got to spend time with one of the people I rarely get to spend a lot of time with and we had a blast =)
• Of course, need I mention that I got to go to four different countries this summer? Three of which I had never been to! Germany, the Netherlands, Belgium, and France! Exciting!
• I got lost on the German railway system. Way to go me! Once alone and once with Caleb. I think it was scarier by myself though =P
• I learned a lot this summer actually, in class. I was really not aware of how much Germany contributed to modern theatre and now I'm really very fascinated with a lot of it. Specifically, I would like to read more Brecht than I have and actually be able to analyze it in terms of what Epic Theatre is rather than just say "Oh I don't like this..." You know?
• I also learned a lot about Beethoven... and I would just like to say that I love his music. Seriously, love.
• I saw some crazy German Cirque-Du-Soleil type show with a pool and chandelier and strippers... what?!
• I am pretty much completely over the idea of Brian altogether. It may have taken forever, but I finally am DONE being mad about it. It's nice to be able to forgive people and move on. Finally. Took me long enough, I suppose.
  
• I got nine credit hours done this summer - GO ME.
• I lost nine pounds. Hooray! I'm generally a lot healthier than I was, and hopefully since I am going to be dancing literally every single day for the next few weeks, I'll keep the weight off! (not to mention I've been eating TONS healthier, despite the ice cream of Konigswinter!)
  
• Oh, I should probably mention this too - Footloose! I auditioned at the Springer and I got into a show that will be going up this fall. It's pretty awesome to me because I really was kind of getting into that grumpy not-in-a-show-so-the-world-is-a-horrible-place mode that I sometimes go into when it's been about a month or two since I've been onstage... Hah! True story.

In general, the summer has been great. I've learned a lot (not just academically - also things like "stay in groups at train stations!" and "learn to let it go" are very important) and I've worked a lot. Maybe it wasn't the summer I originally had planned, but it really was amazing. I have a lot to look forward to this coming year as well - so I guess my little life adventure goes on.

peace out girl scout.

don't you try to rain on my perfect day... (or one really obnoxiously positive blog.)

I am in love with the scent of Suave Color Care Shampoo. No lie. It smells so good to me. I ended up buying it because I've dyed my hair, once again, to a darker shade of red. Of course it will probably fade back to its favorite shade - strawberry blonde - pretty quickly, but I have high hopes that with a little help from Suave, it'll stay a little longer.

So a lot of exciting things are on the verge right now... but at the same time, I'm so not looking forward to the start of semester.

I just don't want to be stressed out, is all =)

But guess what? I got cast in Footloose! at the Springer! How exciting! I'm happy because it means that I'll have rehearsals to go to in the evenings, and I'll have somewhere to be! And I'll be onstage! And I'll be doing my favorite things - singing and dancing! Hooray!

And also, assistant teaching tap class, taking directing, going back to acting class, and all of that.

Let's be real - I'm just ready to get back into theatre again. Hooray!

And I think that if something good in the "love life" department happens, then I'll be happy - but if it doesn't work out (which it very well may not. though it may!), I'll also be happy just to be me.
I love my life. Sometimes things are hard - money can be difficult. But in general, I am excited for my life. =)
Love you.

and don't you feel like coming home? (or, the last half of my Germany documentation)

FORWARD: I totally got bad about keeping up with this. So forgive the dates and everything being all screwy. Or the lack of description lol.

15 July 2009

"Dang. I am so behind on this."

That is the phrase I just uttered to myself.

There are several days which I need to update about, including the cruise down the Rhine and our trip to Paris!

The first thing I really need to update about is the Rhine Cruise. It was, of course, picturesque and fabulous. The Rhine itself is a very beautiful river - but you SHOULD know that. We went a museum about the bridge that allowed the allies to enter Germany during WWII and then we went to the town of Linz. Linz is really pretty, but most notably (in my book) is home to the best street musician I have ever seen sitting under a bridge playing the violin!

All in all, a rather picturesque vision of Germany on that day.

The next thing I would love to update you about is our trip to PARIS. (Love!) Now, on my life to do list "spend more time in Paris" was there, which I mentally crossed off and added "spended even MORE time in Paris!" because I love it that much. It would be really lovely to actually be able to spend more time relaxing there though instead of having to see all the big monuments.

On the first day (Thursday), we got up pretty early and headed down to the tourist station. Here we got our rail passes (Paris has the best metro system ever), maps, figured out what we wanted to do, etc. Then we hopped on the metro (did I mention how freaking awesome the metro is?) and went to the Sacre Couer Basilica. Which was beautiful, of course. On the way up we noticed a lot of vendors selling little Eiffel Tower keychains, and little light up statues of the Eiffel Tower, etc. At this point, these men meant nothing to us, but they would soon become a huge part of our Parisian lives! However, on the way back down, we were BOMBARDED by a group of men from what I can only guess was Africa who mauled us, tied strings around Caroline and my fingers, proceeded to make a bracelet and then charged us a ridiculous amount. I ended up talking him out of the ten euro he wanted from me to just give him five and ran, but somehow they convinced poor Caroline I gave him eight so she gave him eight! Sigh. I'm out five euro... but it's a moderately good story, I suppose!

After that we hopped back on the metro (bomb!) and then we stopped by for literally maybe five minutes to take a picture of the Moulin Rouge. Haha. No lie, five minutes.

THEN We located the Paris Opera House. Now, this was an incredible experience! It was GORGEOUS for one thing, only four euro entrance fee to poke around, and there is so much history there! Incredible. Pictures to come, of course.

After that, we found the Musee D'Orsay and spent the afternoon getting lost in the works of art. I really enjoyed the Degas that was there, and I do always love museums. =)

The next day - we got up and had to check out of our first hotel. Then we went to Notre Dame (carrying all our things) Also beautiful. Outside of the cathedral there are gyspy beggar women everywhere that will ask you if you speak English (they prey on American tourists!) and then hold up a card that basically will tell you they're starving, etc. Now, this would be sad if only one of them did it, but since they seem to be a coalition. Seriously - at one point we saw them congregating in the streets. COALITION.

But really - the depravity of homelessness in Paris was just heartbreaking.

Well after the Notre Dame, we found a little cafe where we went for crepes. This is the part of the story where Caroline had a smackdown with a French waiter. I mean, WWF style. Just kidding. But there was a little tiff over the tip! Haha. It was actually a little scary but we got out of it.

Then we spent the day just hanging out. We strolled down the Champs Elysee. Then we went to the Eiffel Tower that night. Now - ironically we were all speaking in British dialect (since we thought it would get us better service haha) and we met some Americans who thought we WERE British. We talked to them for awhile too! Hah!

The view from atop the Eiffel Tower is incredible. I'm not going to lie, I was a little scared going on the way up, but it turned out alright in the end. In fact, it was incred! The lights of the city are gorgeous at night.

The next day was the day we spent at the Louvre. MY GOD THAT MUSEUM IS HUGE. We all split up in the morning when we got there and met up one more time and then met up when we were done. I was kind of moody all day, so it was lucky we were split up. However, I did get cheered up by this one thought - I realized how much HISTORY I was standing in. Not just the history of art but the history of HUMANITY. It was really an incredible realization. Sometimes I think I just get so excited to know that I'm a part of this huge long story that just keeps on going. Incredible.

"and then the surrealists said, 'no I'm melting!'" - Kate.

22 July 2009

I am literally the worst at logging things ever. Let's see - what have I done since I got back from Paris? A whole lot is what!

Well, we had an entire week of class for one thing. We went to go see a Variety show/Cabaret in Cologne too. It was interesting, but I felt like it was just a small community theatre thing. But at the same time - that's interesting to me because that's where I myself am at in life right now - community theatre. So that was pretty cool.

But the big thing that we did was that this past weekend we all went to Berlin. Well, I would say that we took the train to Berlin but in reality, THEY took a train to Berlin and I took a different train (or two trains...) to Berlin.

What had actually happened was that I got on the wrong train and went to Dusseldorf instead. Yes, you read that right. I got on the wrong train and went to Dusseldorf instead. WHAT? Luckily, I met up with them in the train station and we made it to the show on time.

Qi was really excellent! It was basically like Cirque du Soleil with... ice and a pool and chandaleir and... Germans. Haha. It was really good though!

I loved Berlin! We took an awesome free tour, and it was just so interesting with all the history about Berlin. They architecture there is also to die for. Though, I think I feel that way because it was just so effective. Things like the Jewish Museum or the Holocaust Memorial are just so damn effective.

We also went on a pub crawl in Berlin. too much fun!

27 July 2009

Happy Birthday Brian and Jamie!

"Hi I'm Mrs. Caroline Alt-Delete!" (pause) "But my husband's name would be Control and I don't know if I'd like that..."
- Caroline

ADDED AFTER I GOT HOME:

Well, after the weekend in Berlin we had yet another week of class, but on Thursday we (the theatre five and Kate) headed up to Ghent for the street theatre festival there. It was actually pretty awesome. There was a puppet show thing that was pretty cool, but what I really loved was this circus act we saw called "ComeBack". It was pretty awesome, no lie!

That night though was an adventure. We went to go find our hostel, but when we got the address we could not locate anything that looked like a hostel. We went back to the Marriot where Kate was staying and then we were in formed by the concierge that our hostel was in fact... on a boat. WHAT?! Haha, so we ended up staying on a boat hostel in Ghent. Pretty cool, but also pretty confusing.

And then the next day when we woke up, Caleb and I headed off to Brussels. I can't lie and say that this wasn't totally my favorite weekend of the trip. Essentially, we just wandered around the city, ate some tasty Thai food, discussed our new life plan for hours (I even came to accept it as reality for a little while hah.), ate in many parks, and read to eachother. It really was a lovely, relaxing weekend. (Oh, we also stayed at the Best Western - best part!)

And then we had finals (which went well) and I came home.

And here I am. I have so many mixed feelings about being home. Like, I'm happy. I'm happy to be able to use my phone again, to be able to talk to my friends, use the internet (without much difficulty), and to be in the south where everyone speaks to me in English, but there are a few things I miss: doner kebab! 70 cent ice cream, trains, spending my time with Caleb (that's just true. I miss him.), my new friends (especially Danielle!), the excitement of just BEING in Europe, being able to legally order alcoholic beverages.

Ah, but school starts back soon. So we shall see where my next adventure takes me. I'm pretty content with my life right now, truth be told, and I'm just hoping it lasts into the semester. I'm excited about assistant teaching tap class, auditioning for the spring (I just have a really good feeling! if nothing comes of it, then c'est la vie, but I just really feel good), directing class (I know it'll be hard work, but I'm still pumped!), getting back to acting class, and just getting back to working on theatre things in general. I'm excited to see my friends, to go to parties, and to have my entire shoe collection in my grasp again!

=) So that's that. Love you kids.

how I learned to just smile and nod. (or, a week's worth of Germany log)

29 June 2009

Today was our first day of classes here in Germany. Let me say this first - our classroom? It's beautiful. It's the sun room in the "secret garden" (as I call it) here at the Adam-Stegerwald Haus. It's so bright and fresh and when you open the windows, it's nice and cool.

Did I mention that we don't actually have air conditioning? But that's alright, because it's not nearly as fucking hot as it is in Georgia.

My first class went well - I had to do a persentation but it was all good, you know! Phew! One down, four to go! Lunch was so tasty, as usual. I am literally obsessed with the food here at the Adam-Stegerwald Haus. It is so delicious at all meals! Especially breakfast! They always have Nutella and rolls and kiwi! So delicious! They actually apparently thought we didn't like the food here because we didn't eat very much and weren't as loud in comparison to other American student groups... they were concerned that we weren't being as goche and obnoxious and fat as Americans usually are? Strange! At either rate, I am moderately obsessed with the food here.

Then I had my second class. It also went really well! I'm excited about learning all this stuff, but I am worried about the amount of work. We are going on a lot of fun field trips though.

After lunch we had a meeting about the rail pass situation. Basically because we are too old we can't get the student passes, but the situation is going to work out. After that, I went to the grocery store, Kaiser's! What was really exciting about that was that I used my basic German phrases and I totally blended in with all the regular customers! I was super proud of myself, but I think when I went outside and was like "GUESS WHAT?!" I totally gave myself away.

I think that the Germans have a lot of ideas that Americans could benefit from. Like for instance - you have to go to the grocery store. You can walk there, for one thing. Everything is closer together, so they don't have to drive everywhere. When you get there, everything is so fresh. Things are only packaged so that they last for two or three days and then you come back. Not only that, but when you go to check out, you use a reusable bag. They don't automatically bag it for you either. They just assume you HAve your own reusable bag - and if you want to use a plastic bag you have to BUY one. And then you come back a few days later. I just think it's a valid way of doing things that would probably work so much better than driving to Walmart and shopping for the next month...

After dinner (which was also served to us by the delicious Adam-Stegerwald Haus!), we decided to hike up the Dracken Fels (Dragon Mountain!). Now, I didn't really comprehend what a real chore this was going to be. My hips are STILL feeling the hike up the mountain. But in the end - it was definitely worth it. We ended up all the way at the top and the view was incredible. Literally, I felt like I almost could not breathe. It was gorgeous, the mist over the Rheine settled in and it was just gorgeous. The hike down was easier, and we found where the public pool is - yay!

After that, we went for ice cream and I had something called "Speghetti Nutella", which is basically ice cream put through a speghetti maker that makes it look like speghetti and coated in Nutella for sauce! SO GOOD.

And now I plan on going to sleep early because we're headed in to Cologne tomorrow for a field trip to see a cathedral and a museum.

KORI-ISMS FOR THE DAY:
"My poor little coca-cola heart!"
"Well maybe they ran out of walls!"
"You look like a health nut... I look like a drug addict!"

30 June 2009

Today, I will just say - was incredible. Now I hate to admit that when Kate originally said we'd be touring a Cathedral and visiting a museum today I thought it might be moderately lame. But let's be real - it was totally awesome.

We started our morning off by taking the train into Koln (Which I will refer to as Cologne for English purposes... since it apparently has two versions of the name, haha.) and Shane and I had a little sing and dance along with my Zune on the train!

Here is another thing I think the Germans do a lot better than Americans - public transportation! JUST SAYING. The train is boss. It's better for the environment, and in general cheaper than having to buy gas all the time. But yeah, the train system is so well developed and so accessible! I really think that we should take a few looks at this stuff in our systems in America, you know?

I'm really into European society right now. I mean, the only thing I really don't like is my total inability to speak German! Haha, I try with my small phrases and I can blend in fairly well, but I think I would seriously move here if I was fluent, haha. Dr. Smith said I blend in with Europeans the way I dress too! I originally tried to tone down my clothing choices to come here, but as it turns out, I blend in on my own! Haha, amazing.

Well back to today's wonderous adventures! We went to the Cathedral this morning in Cologne. IT WAS LIKE A FREAKING MONOLITH. Seriously. It was huge! It was really impressive because it was built over like the past seven hundred years due to lack of funds, etc. Ironically, it was actually finally completed by Protestants - they thought the Gothic design was definitively German (even though it was actually French) so they wanted to finish it for a monument to the German nation, basically. Interesting right? I thought so. The windows were incredible and it contains what are supposedly the relics from the Magi who worshipped at the birth of Jesus. INSANE. I mean, it was so beautiful I could barely handle it.

After that, we went to McDonald's for lunch. Surprisingly, I felt a lot of anxiety while at McDonald's. I was worried about ordering in German (and I should have been! That poor man understood about 1/3 of what I said to him! I tried a little German and I think it helped, and he did actually get my order right, but I think it even stressed HIM out. Haha.) But yeah, we had German McDonald's, where you can apparently get beer (HAH!), but I just had a coke =)

After lunch, we went to the Wallraf das Museum (or for a later reference, the Wallraf). INCREDIBLE. The first exhibit featured medieval art, and I made my way all the way up through some more modern impressionism. I really wish I could have seen more of the musuem. HIGHLIGHTS: Seeing some of Durer's work (who I just did a presentation on yesterday!), seeing a freaking REMBRANDT!, seeing Monet, Degas, and Van Gogh. Seriously, it was abso-freaking-lutely incredible. You could literally see where these people whose names are household terms brushed their paints against the canvas. I don't know, it was overwhelmingly incredible as an experience. I just could not really even begin to comprehend how much of a mind-fuck it was! I was so happy. =)

Then we came back on the train and went out for dinner at an Italian restaraunt! It was super tasty and we stopped for a 70 cent ice cream cone on the way back to the hotel. Perfection!

ps. I think I might literally be addicted to Nutella. HELP!

01 July 2009

KATE-ISMS FOR THE DAY:
"I actually have ankles... instead of just trunks!"

03 July 2009

So I am back in my room at the Adam-Stegerwald Haus here in Konigswinter, Germany. But while that sounds like much of my Germany log - it hasn't been true for the past fourty eight hours or so. We took our first little weekend excursion to duh dun dun... AMSTERDAM!

Which I must say, was pretty cool. Stressful at times, confusing at times, but cool. Here are some highlights:

The morning we left we found out that in order for our Eurail passes to be valid, we had to stand in a line in Cologne to get them stamped. NOW, you may feel like this is common sense, but we were actually told otherwise at one point. We actually risked riding the train to Cologne without any sort of ticket or rail pass whatsoever. But we did actually make it. However, our layover was only about 22 minutes long. It took about 5 minutes to find the counter to get it validated, and all the lines were ludicrously long, and needless to mention, the workers were going at a ridiculously European pace (no offense, Europe - you guys just tend to leisurely do things!). Hah. Well, we ended up RUNNING and catching our train to Amsterdam by literally like 30 seconds before it started going.

Because we reserved our seats in advance, we got a really badass COMPARTMENT (wow!). Just thought that was worth noting.

We ended up going to the Van Gogh museum once we actually got to Amsterdam (yes, we were super losers and went to a million (a million being three) museums. no we did not smoke pot. haha!). The museum was incredible and I bought a couple of post card prints to commemorate =)

After that we went to dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe, which was decidedly American. In fact, I feel like Amsterdam is somewhat American. Like some strange hybrid of America and Europe. They'd probably be totally offended, the citizens of Amsterdam I mean, if they read this, but it's true. A lot of people there speak English and I feel like they capitalize on the fact that Americans eat everything up about their city.

But that being said, I really loved it. The city itself is gorgeous with all the canals running through it, its filled with history, and the shopping district? Can I just piss myself please? Haha, just kidding. I wouldn't piss myself, but I would like freak out about those amazing Marc Jacobs shoes I passed up!

MOVING ON. We played on a playground for a little while and fun was had for all ages!

Caleb, Kori, and Caroline went back to the hotel and Shane and I went in search for Coke. We ended up seeing a really cool break dance performance that we totally weren't expecting too.

Me, Kori, Shane, and Caroline all slept on a double bed. FUN. Haha, needless to say I'm grateful to have my own bed again. Even if it's just for a few nights until we head to Paris.

This morning, we woke up at the ass crack of dawn to go to the Anne Frank House. We originally wanted to buy tickets online so we could go in at a scheduled time, because the line can get SO LONG for the museum, but we came up with a plan to get there an hour before the museum opened (at eight, but we actually got there at seven forty five and were second in line!) so we could get in without the line-age into the day.

Okay, I knew it was going to be an emotional visit to the Anne Frank House. Like, that's obvious. But walking through the Secret Annex was actually so surreal. The pictures that Anne put on the wall are still there, and it's just so crazy to put yourself physically in a place that always seems so imaginary. There was a quote on the wall in the museum that I can't remember exactly what was said or who said it, but it was something to the extent of this: The reason that we all identify specifically with the sufferings of only Anne Frank is because she is only one person. If we truly tried to intake all the sufferings of the millions of men and women who suffered in the Holocaust, then we would not be able to survive it. I really think that it was an interesting, and totally true sentiment. At either rate, it was an incredible and very worthwhile experience. Making something totally unfathomable like the Holocaust totally and completely tangible is so utterly earth shaking.

Well. On another note, we did actually walk to the red light district. And yes, we saw a whore in the window. It was... interesting? Well, it actually just smelled like piss and I felt bad for the girl. We went during the day, so there were mostly tourists, so she was pretty much just getting oggled by a bunch of people who were just baffled by the concept of prostitution. Poor whore.

After that we went to the Rijksmuseum, which is just basically a big Dutch Art museum. We saw some of the works of Rembrandt and of Vermeer though! INCRED. Seriously. Haha.

After that, we had some of the most delicious Italian food that I have ever had in my life, then we had a traditional waffle! So very tasty! I am always so happy when I have good food!

Then we just hung out for awhile and went to hop on our next train!

We made it safely, phew! BUT. Once our train got to Dusseldorf, it was supposed to stop at Cologne next. There was first a fifteen minute delay in a town outside Dusseldorf and then they stopped the whole train in Dusseldorf and we had to find a DIFFERENT train. (Needless to say, this was very difficult because all announcements were made in German and then a very short translation to English that doesn't really even resemble English...) We did actually make it though. Thank God! It was really stressful. I didn't know what we would actually do if we were stuck in Dusseldorf. C'est la vie! We just did not have luck with our trains the whole trip!

But we did actually make it back, thank goodness. And I'm about to turn in. I'm meeting my mom's old best friend and her daughter tomorrow. Let's hope it's not hella awkward!

AMSTERDAMISMS:
"European hobos have got it SO GOOD!" - Caroline
"It ain't redic... to love the Netherlands!" - Caroline

"I'm so excited about passing the whore house again!"
"Why? So you can get a whore and lay in bed and have a good conversation?"
- Shane, then me.

Kori putting Shane's pens in the "right order".

Caroline waving the Netherlands flag and yelling.

4 July 2009

Happy Independence Day? I guess not. Since I'm in Germany, I won't be celebrating the birth of my nation, but I guess that's alright, considering the cirumstances. At least I am not celebrating for good reason.

Though I do wish I could have fried chicken. I think its the one thing I really crave more than anything - fried chicken. I am, in fact, very homesick for the entire concept of southern food. While German food is exquisite, nothing (and I really mean nothing) compares to southern food to me. Sigh, I guess I'll have to wait a few more weeks. C'est la vie!

So today was an interesting day for my Germany log. I went with Shane today to meet my mom's best childhood friend, Annette, and her family. It was actually really fun. At first I was terrified that it was going to be really awkward, especially because when she picked us up, she said she knew very little Enlish! AH! But she knew more English than she gave herself credit for, I think. And actually, they told us that they liked being able to practice on us. haha. I think by the end of day they were quite tired of working so hard to communicate though. Haha.

Well here is what we did: We drove to her house and ate some waffles for a snack with her daughter and husband (Hannah and Marcus). Then, when her older daughter, Judith, came home we all went with two of Judith's friends to Hellenthaal reserve.

The Hellenthaal reserve is apparently the oldest reserve in the world. Tres interesante. There were reindeer, eight million different birds of prey, sheep and goats, bunnies, horses, donkeys, and strangely enough, even ants were on display (are they foreign here? I need to find out.)! There was a bird show that was very interesting and I even took a picture with an eagle on my arm - fun times! After that, we all went to Schleiden, where my mom grew up.

After taking some pictures of the town, we took the Autobahn back to Cologne. OMG. SO FAST. SO JEALOUS. Just saying.

We ended up going to dinner at Beer Garden and it was so tasty. =) And then I came back to Konigswinter for the night.

Shane and I are going back into Cologne via train for the "Love Parade"/Gay Pride/"Saint Christopher's Street Day"... It should prove to be interesting. They say it's an excuse for people to get sloshed and act crazy. HM!

Fun moments of miscommunication:
"I too!"
"Now, they are in prison." (referencing the birds in captivity)

Love.

5 July 2009

Today was certainly an interesting day here in Germany. Back in May, during Fly Over Land, Shane asked me if I would attend the Pride parade in Cologne with him. I, of course, agreed. It was today.

Now, this parade (which has several different names: Pride Parade, Cologne Pride, The Love Parade (my favorite!), and Christopher Street Day) was everything you'd expect it to be.

Which pretty much means it was redic!

There were of course, a bazillion homosexuals everywhere. Lots of drag queens, lots of people in leather. There was actually even an incredibly NAKED girl who just sort of... was naked. I didn't really know how to react, to be honest. The parade was incredibly long, and for one of the first times since I've been here, I was not happy to report that I was not hot. It was super hot today, actually. I got some fun free stuff like a condom/lube packet! HAHA. Love it.

There was a lot of really unacceptable fashion out there today! Leather should not be worn as a clothing item other than a jacket, your belt, shoes, bag, or wallet. The following are unacceptable as leather clothing items: pants, hot pants, bras, shirts, collars, LEASHES (though I do not think these really count as clothing items - they sort of just appeared as such today).

After that we had some Pizza Hut where we had a PITCHER OF COKE. This sounds ridiculous to be so excited about, but here in Europe, there is no such thing as a free refill. Plus, I had been standing around for almost three hours in the heat. Delicious coke!

We also walked up and down the street and Shane bought some stuff like this cute magnet with a puppy on it for him and Joe that said "family", a present for the travel agent, and some cute new sunglasses. I'm trying to not spend any money, and I think my free condom counted as a souvenir enough. HAH!

Afterwards, I ate some icecream with Lee, Samuel, Byron, and Danielle and then I had some Turkish food for dinner with Ben. I also hung out with Leah and Emily for a really long time and just chit chatted! It was in general, a really good day.

Actually, a really good weekend. I just feel like I DID so much. It was insane. I'm pretty psyched for next weekend in Paris though. Hooray!

Love.

I need a bike and a dog. (or, Germany Log Parts 1 and 2)

Here are two entries from my "Germany Log" from the first few days of being here:

---

26 June 2009

I am sitting here in Caleb and Shane's room at the Adam-Stegerwald Haus in Konigswinter, Germany. I'm pretty tired because we've had a full couple of days. On Wednesday, Mom and I drove up to Atlanta to go to the airport. There was no parking so she had to drop me off at the front of the airport instead of walking in with me and making sure I found the European Council people and got all checked in. So I had to do that all by myself! Oh my! Which, I guess accordingly I should be able to do all of that by the age of twenty, but it was still so stressful that I was almost shaking! At least I got the life experience. Yeah, that's right. Life experience! I guess I've been getting a lot of those lately...

So we sat around in the airport for quite some time and I got my fill in of text messaging for the next month or so. But we finally boarded the flight to Frankfurt around 5:45 and by 6:15 or so we were off! As Shane stated, "I got not only one but two meals and a whole selection of movies!" on the flight. So it wasn't too shabby. However, I (of course) could not sleep, so jet lag was really gonna be a heck of a good time!

Which it was. "Time Drunk" does not even begin to describe it. All day yesterday I was more than just "a little out of it". But that's okay! It was still really great to be in Germany and I'm really just very excited. We took a bus straight from the airport in Frankfurt to Konigswinter, where we are staying at the Adam-Stegerwald Haus. It's a hotel with twin size beds and a shower curtain that is my new best friend. There delicious food offered to us for certain meals during the day (they even had potato dumplings!) and there is a gorgeous garden that we can go sit in. It's really very quaint, as is the town of Konigswinter. =)

Basically there is a strip of stores you can go into, including a store for groceries as well as several convenience marts. Of course, there are also beer gardens, but I haven't actually been to on yet. I just get so tired walking down the street that I really just want some caffeine so I always get a coke! I will get some beer soon, I swear!

I was so jetlagged that I went to bed at 8:30 last night. Hilarious! But today I'm doing much better.

We got up early and had breakfast here at the Adam-Stegerwald Hous. It was so good! There were eggs and rolls with nutella! And coffee! c'est parfait! (maybe not quite the right language...) But at 10:00 AM we had a meeting and "survival guide" to Bonn. Basically they told us about the rail passes, etc and had us fill out a little bit of paperwork. After that we had a delicious lunch (once again, at the Adam-Stegerwalder Hous!) and then we took the train into Bonn.

I LOVE Bonn. Let me just say that! We took a walking tour that was exhausting, but it really seems like my kind of city. It's filled with tons of interesting history, good stores for shopping, a university, and plus - it sits right on the Rheine! So beautiful! We had dinner at a really tasty pizzaria and then we proceeded to talk around the city. Caleb accidentily left his camera (which was apparently very expensive) in the restaraunt though - so he and I ran back and hilariously enough, the man (who I'm pretty sure spoke very little German and mostly Italian!) just took us to the back and pulled it out of a cupboard. Caleb was, needless to say, very happy! We took the train back into Konigswinter and now here I am! We're taking a trip to Aachen tomorrow - here's hoping!

I really need to pick up some German. Hah! I can tell them I speak English. Oh and of course "please" and "thank you" and like "hello" and "I'm sorry." But (apparently I didn't bother to finish this entry into my log. I'm highly disappointed with myself.)

28 June 2009

Here I sit on my bed in the Adam-Stegerwald Haus, after yet another long day of adventuring into the countryside of Germany. I'm getting used to the language barrier, and I honestly think that if NOT for said language barrier, I would more than just want to live here. The public transportation is wonderful, the cities are beautiful and old and full of history but also they are modern and have all the modern conveniences of life.

Here are the four words I use to describe what I've been doing in Germany: eating, drinking, walking, sleeping. I guess that's what I do in the states, but I really do think that I've done an overabundance of that here! There is very little sitting around and playing on the computer, and there is very little unhealthy eating!

Although I sit here right now with a bag of gummi bears and a box of schocko-waffels behind me, they are the first real sweets I've had since I've been here. We eat very healthily here in Germany, and we walk almost everywhere. It's insane.

Yesterday, we took a bus into the city of Aachen. It's apparently the "city of water", where there is a million different very strange fountains. They are all utterly fascinating in their stories and they are very interesting, but none of them are just normal fountains! Hah! One of them supposedly had "healing powers" because of the sulfer content. I didn't taste it because hey - we have sulfer water in south Georgia! But Shane told me he thought I would like it because I love hard boiled eggs! Haha!

We had yet another guided tour. It was interesting, as always, and the tour guide was cute when he would say things like "I am going to give you two informations about this castle - the first information..." So adorable! After the tour we went out to lunch and I had some schnitzel and my first alcoholic beverage ever legally purchased. It was a really really strong sex on the beach. Hah! I was feeling it by the end of the meal but luckily I sobered up as we walked around a little more.

We rode back into Konigswinter and met up with a girl that Barbara knows, Manu. She is from Konigswinter and she thought it would be nice for us to see where we could go as young people. I went to two pubs with her and tried to the local beer as well as some local wine. I got a little tipsy yet again, but some pizza and conversation calmed me down quite a bit.

This morning we got up earlier than ever! We had to be on the bus at 8 so breakfast was at 7. After my morning of nutella and whole grain rolls, we hopped on a bus off to the Burg Eltz, or Eltz Castle. We toured that, and as always, I love castle tours. It was also cute when our tour guide said "wisit" in place of "visit"! And there is always a lovely view at castles!

After that we hopped BACK on the bus and ate some food on our way into Trier. Luckily, we didn't have another guided tour here (I am pretty sure we were all toured out by this point!). We actually found out that there was the remains of an old Roman amphitheatre in Trier, so we took the long walk to look for it: Kate, Shane, Kori, Caroline, Caleb, Julian (otherwise known as Dufus), and me. It was actually pretty hot on the walk, but in the end it was totally worth it. We got to the amphitheatre after about forty five minutes of walking. It was incredible. Seriously - I could have died right then. We paid the two euro to get into the theatre and as we entered it was already obvious how incredible the accoustics were. The ruins of where the audience used to sit were on the sides of the hills around us and there was just an incredible feeling of being CONNECTED to this place for me. Like I could imagine all of the things that used to take place there - gladiators and comedies and it was just incredible. We even went underground to where they used to hold the animals and such. It was just so cool. I would even go out on a limb to say it was cathartic. Incredible.

After that we went and sat down at a little cafe on the street. There was a festival going on in Trier today so it was quite lively. I had a coke and a glass of wine and we just sort of relaxed, which was really nice, actually. And then we walked back to the bus, rode home to Konigswinter, I fell asleep and now I'm here. Logging it all in on my computer. =)

Here's another thought: I think that in order to be truly happy in Germany, I would need a dog and a bike. There has been no other time when I missed my dog and my bike more.

COMING SOON: Classes begin, trips to Bonn, Cologne (including Gay Pride Parade!), and eventually a trip to Paris (where I'll actually speak the language!)

SHANEISMS FOR THE DAY:
"Not only did I get one, but two full meals on the airplane! And a whole list of movies!"
"I don't know if I can tell the difference between who is gay and who is just European..."

"do not want go in cave!" (or, how I learned to vacation.)

So let's be pretty clear about this - I am really bad at relaxing. In general, there will always be a nagging thought in the back of my mind in ANY circumstance that just makes it (for lack of a better word) stressful for me.

These past few days have been incredibly surreal in this respect - I think I actually relaxed. I know, right? So let me sort of recap how wonderful it was!

On Saturday night, I spent the night at my childhood best friend, Anna's, and we got up early Sunday to leave for Florida! When we got there, we checked into our hotel and we started our wonderous Saint Augustine adventure, which included:

• some yummy wine that we drank out of plastic princess goblets! (and some not-so-yummy merlot, but yeah!)
  
• shopping in the historic district (with lots of trips to Kilwin's delicious ice cream - the one thing that Rob said I HAD to do while I was in Saint Augustine)
  
• visiting the BEACH (my favorite!) I got a little bit of tan but we all know that my ginger skin is pale and peachy.
  
• visiting the Saint Augustine Light House and climbing all the way to the top to discover that there is actually a guy that gets paid just to stand at the top of the light house. haha!
• taking the scariest ghost tour of my life! possibly because I had some wine before I went on it, but also because they gave out EMF readers (creepy!), and they took you to many different locations (they even told a story that I had heard from someone who had lived there before!).
• visiting the historic fort in town, of course. it was blazing hot, but that's what happens when you put two history nerds on vacation together! I even ventured into the terrifying dungeon, and fled the scene immediately when I realized - DO NOT WANT GO IN CAVE! Haha!
  
• MORE shopping on the historic street, followed by a nap after we got sprayed with rain and a truck drove through a puddle right next to us, ala a bad day movie montage ("why don't we down some wine and take a nap? we'll see how this goes...")
• We went to one of the best meals of my life at the Santa Maria restaurant where I had the Mahi Mahi, and Anna had a cocktail called "Bermuda Blue" (which was really more green than blue).
• We went outlet shopping and I didn't actually buy anything but FOOD. I'm super proud of myself for this fact because lately I've realized what a shopaholic I really am.

Well, I'm starting the fashion blog hopefully tonight, and I'm leaving for Germany really soon, so all is well in Robinland for the most part. I continue my decision NOT to decide (in reference to the men situation) and I continue my life of being fabulous.

peace. love you kids.

the most wonderful fairytale. (a tale of sarcasm, fashion, and enlightenment.)

This blog is in many different sections.
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on the road again...
...or not.

My life, let's just face it - cannot be simple or easy. Especially when it comes to cars. Automotive vehicles and I have always had a rocky relationship. From day one when I almost tipped a golf cart into my neighbor's yards multiple times, to when I got into my first car wreck three days after I got my license, to breaking down in the middle of the intersection of 11th Street and Veterans Parkway in Columbus (and subsequently three more times in the next two weeks) - I am a car killer.

It's purely unintentional, but I can no longer ignore my rocky relationship with motor vehicles.

Today is just another example. I'm driving home from Columbus and I've made it to Atlanta. I'm nearing the most stressful part of my adventure - merging onto a highway with about six lanes even with a working car is difficult for me! But seeing how when I got to the middle lane my car completely stopped running, I think it was a little extra difficult today. HAH.

Luckily for me, a kind preacher-like gentleman and what looked like a crazy ex-hippy arrived to my rescue and pushed my poor Professor off to the shoulder. I called my dad, and since the car was starting but just would not idle, I managed to get it to a gas station by just never taking my foot off the gas - which ended up being the way I got my car all the way back to Augusta. Driving with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brakes all the way home. But before this solution came along, I had to be harassed a little bit more by the fates....

...or by some crazy old homeless woman. Said homeless woman sized up me from a foot away AND my car as though she were looking at her new home! I know my car is a peice of crap, but it's not a new shelter from the drunk and underpriveledged! (Not that I have anything against the homeless, I just would rather they not try to take my car!)

So I am finally home, and I'm ready to get to the beach on Sunday! And despite the difficulties in our relationship, I think I'll actually keep driving.

--
...a Prada purse has never broke my heart before.
(and let's be real - my obsession for Betseyville is getting a little sick. two new bags and a pair of sunglasses? shopping-gasm.)

Up and coming! I have had a little idea bunny that has planted itself in my brain lately - ever since I met a woman at Joann Crafts who complimented my ensemble and told me this statement: "I always lived on the straight and narrow of fashion. Now I wish that I had been more like you and had taken a chance and actually expressed myself with my clothes." And I have been thinking it would be fun to start a blog about fashion and all the ideas I have and things I find. Although, I haven't had any ideas for a title for it. It should go something like this: "CATCHY TITLE: Fashion OFF The Straight and Narrow" (thank you random woman at Joann!). I am even thinking of having other people authorized to post on it so it wouldn't just be me - and my friends could blog too! I don't know. Maybe I'm being super nerdy but I really like it as an idea. Let me know if you can think of a title because I really want something good! (Or if you want to help me with it and post stuff!)

--
there's no need to complicate - 'cause our time is short.

Also, I've decided to not make any sort of decision. That is, about my "love life". (I'm not sure if you can really call it that, because really I'm not WITH anyone, I just talk to people and I flirt a lot, but I feel like I should only like one person at a time for some reason.) As I'm not committed to liking any one person, I'm going to decide NOT to decide. I will just GO WITH THE FLOW. That's my new mantra on that situation: go with the flow. If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. If it's not, then it's not. At least I don't feel totally undesirable lately.

--
"life itself is the most wonderful fairytale." - hans christian anderson.

I'm really excited about Germany. For real, I think it will be such an adventure. But I'm also excited about heading to the beach with Anna this week. I have never been on a trip with her before, and I absolutely adore the beach. It will be like a real vacation! But let's be real - I am so grateful for my life. Even if my car is a peice of shit, even if I'm not in love, even if I can't make a real decision, even if I'm a total fashion-obsessed shopaholic, even if I'm a huge mess.

As I was driving back home today, foot pushing down on the gas continuously, it started to rain, and just as quickly it let up - and through my Betsey Johnson sunglasses, I saw the most beautiful rainbow in front of me. And I knew that my day wasn't complete and utter shit anymore. That there was at least something beautiful for me to look at.

I'm so grateful for the adventure that is my life. Love you kids. Enjoy the world - it's worth it.

a blog dedicated to Brittain White.

a conversation on facebook IM:

Robin
how you pretty?

Brittain
i;m good. just got back from the opening night part
u
party
how you

Robin
you drink? lol

Brittain
i drank but am not drunk
just can't type

---
and this is why I love Brittain White. [=

Things are alright right now I suppose. I think I'm just in general confused about what I want out of my "love life". I just never feel like I actually have a love life and then when I realize I do I'm like "?"

I saw My Life in Ruins today with Cassie. It was super chick flicky but exactly what I needed. Cheesy and wonderful and filled with Greek ruins! Also, I have been making feather headbands lately that are all really obnoxiously cute. I think I may just make a bunch and give a few away but mostly just keep them for myself to make a statement [=

The next few weeks have a lot in store getting ready for Germany, and if I'm lucky I'll get it all done! [= I love you guys - there's not much to update about but I just had to dedicate my blog to Brittain!

open up your plans - and damn! you're free.

Relax? What is this?

So basically between now and June 24th:

I have to write an ass-ton of papers. Seriously, a LOT of scholastic things will be going down on this computer...
I plan on laying out.
I need to buy a suitable purse for Germany.
I need to pack.

But on another note:
I'm going to make feather headbands today! Which is exciting, because I haven't felt crafty in awhile, and I really think they will be super cute.
I'm going to Saint Augustine on the 14th-17th with Anna!
I get to relax a bit.

I'm so crushing. But in all honesty - and I hate to write things online - things will work out for the best. <3

tell me - where do I go?

Things are really quite good lately. I have money for once in my life, I have my cat, I have my apartment (I'm not sure if I mentioned how much I love said apartment, but living off campus is wonderful, relaxing, and all those "home" things that you always wanted!), flirtation is fun, I'm happy scholastically and theatrically - in general, I can't really complain much about life. Except that I wish dishes would do themselves!

I've been thinking a lot about my future recently. I've been working so diligently for the past two years just to make a name for myself here at CSU, but I really want to start branching out to other theatres in the area (this is a large part of why I auditioned at the Springer, and I'm still keeping my fingers crossed about that!).

Also, on that vein of thought, I really am thinking it would be cheating myself out of something not to look into studying dance more - choreography is really something I want to get into. However, I'm not really built to be a professional dancer, so finding a school to study at will be difficult, I think. This is just a random thought I've been nursing lately. I have two more years before I graduate. [=

love you kids.
ps. get your hands on a copy of the new recording of HAIR. Immediately.

painting.

dabs of paint on canvas
yellows blues and greens
pushing against the course grains with the heel of my hand
and blending them together

you never let go of your brush
single straight lines of black run with the gridlike textures
while my paint falls so delicately with the water
none of my colors blurring into one

you suffocate me with your perfection.
let it go. let it go. let it go.
there's nothing out of place with you -
but for me.

but I'm not on your canvas anymore
colors discarded to the side for your perfect sketches
maybe it's perfect
but it isn't art.

(31 May 2009)

I'm having a really relaxing day. In fact, I am just wearing cheerleading shorts and lazing around my house. I really shouldn't bother writing poetry, but phrases sort of blend together in my head and I think it's the best way to describe the way I feel right now.

I remembered.

There never was a mood of mine,
Gay or heart-broken, luminous or dull,
But you could ease me of its fever
And give it back to me more beautiful.

In many another soul I broke the bread,
And drank the wine and played the happy guest,
But I was lonely, I remembered you;
The heart belongs to him who knew it best.

- "I Remembered" by Sara Teasdale

This is all I will say: I am filled with gratitude that this summer will be spent so very far away from all of this.

It's just really bad when you remember how easily you fit together - and your heart breaks just a little bit more, as though you had never put it back together in the first place.

I cannot wait for my life to begin. I cannot wait to not be reminded of you every single day. I cannot wait to forget.

I spend every day reconfiguring my senses.

I didn't know the rules do not apply.
and then he smiles and nothing else makes sense.

god, here we go again. I'm pretty sure my behavior is bad for my emotional health. other than this factor, my life is going fairly well. Oh, and my car is in the shop right now. Other than those two factors, I really feel like I want to just be lazy and read and be happy and content with myself.

I think this year has changed a lot in me. I am not always on the edge of having some social breakdown (though I won't lie to myself and say they never happen), I've lost friends who I never thought I would, but I strengthened friendships, harbored new ones, dated people I would never expect myself to, developed a crush on a guy friend (ahem, now) that I really would have never expected from me. I think that it's been interesting. I feel more mature, more goal oriented, more... I don't know, I like myself more, I guess.

Yeah, that's it. I'm glad about that. Fly Over Land goes up next weekend, and then Germany time! A lot of exciting things are happening in my life right now. But I think that's the way it's supposed to be when you're young.

it never ceases to amaze her that he can even make her heart skip a small beat, let alone start to pound in her chest. but it also never ceases to get old.

confession number one: shopaholism.

Imagine this: It won't stop raining, your hair is frizzed out to nowheresville. there's nothing to be done about the fact that your eyeliner smudged this morning because of the humidity, and your car hasn't worked in a week. everytime you feel like things have turned right again, something else goes wrong!

what do you do?

drink heavily? nah, that's too much bodily damage for a temporary problem. plus, then you might get stained as an alcoholic. go to sleep? where's the fun in that? cry? oh no, I am not messing up my makeup even MORE!

Shop.

There is nothing like the warm feeling of the florescent lights as you enter a store. The calming effect of the music is hard to ignore too. You browse through the aisles mindlessly and as you peruse the items, you mentally check in a reason that you could purchase any one of them. And finally, you find it.

The perfect selection. It's a mental high. You know exactly how you'll incorporate this new and exciting item into your lifestyle. You have plans for its lifetime with you - it's going to be perfect!

And then comes check out. It's especially poignant if you're using a card to make your purchases, it almost seems like nothing has even happened, you've just found something new for your life! Nothing can compare to the way you feel when you walk out of that store, clutching your purchases as if they were your only chance at happiness.

(and sometimes they are.)

I bought a new CHI straightening iron today. it was a little ridiculous.

summertime.

and the living is easy.

It's been raining for the past few weeks. It's strange, but I never remember much rain growing up. (Well, that's explainable because we've been in drought for as long as I can remember, but you know) I always remember summer being days on end of running and playing and building tee-pees out of pinestraw and fallen trees in the woods. I remember just the blazing summer sun causing my skin to glisten and sweat to form at the edge of my strawberry hair.

I remember countless numbers of plastic bag popsicles and strawberries with sugar for dessert with my family.

I remember the way that I felt so very carefree - and it seemed like summer could last forever. Days of swimming and never worrying about what my hair actually looked like.

Damn, that was a good time.

This summer is so very different. I'm worried about making the rent and paying bills, and I'm going abroad and I'm doing a show (which, in comparison to my childhood summers, doesn't surprise me, considering that I used to make fake talent shows in my back yard!) Life is so different.

(this blog was originally going to be about eating and overweight children because of this episode of Tyra I watched, but I think this is more poignant and more relevant to my life as of now.)

---

He's handsome in a way that no one else really is. She is all coy smiles and misplaced laughs and biting her lip. The mixture is almost too dangerous to the taste for them. (Scene 4, before the first kiss.)

life.

I have a cat. I know it's so retarded cat-lady of me, but the ability to snuggle with Hepcat brings me a lot of joy [= Even if I can't decide on a definite position for the litter box... He is so huggly snuggly that I know I can always love on him!

Lately I am in a shoe funk! I have been wearing cowboy boots and moccasins every day and I need to stop it! So I keep trying to wear heels instead [= or flats. or something OTHER than moccasins and cowboy boots.

I was in a weird mood this morning - and I'm honestly much better than I made myself out to be in my last blog. I am pretty much moved on and I like someone else, I promise. Crazy, but I go through these weird "I'm not quite over it" phases and I just can't shake them off. The day was really good today though and I am really very happy.

I've been trying to think of something poetic to write about in my blog lately, instead of just blahdeblahing about my life, but I think that's what a blog is for, either writing something interesting about your perspective or just talking about your life. So I think it's a "talk about my life" stage right now.


"Life isn’t divided into genres. It’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky."
Alan Moore